Women: How would you punish a man who abuses females?

reply to post by Pythein


It only takes time for these Narcissistic qualities to emerge if you don't know what you're looking for or you have never had close contact with one. Fortunately and unfortunately for me, I have, probably known about a dozen of them and I know their drill. They never change their spots and they can not be redeemed.

The links I've left in a previous post will help those identify them. They are the most ruthless and cunning, unfortunately our schools are helping to create more of them. The one single place to find them in greater numbers are Military, Police, TSA, positions of authority, heads of large corporations and religious groups.

I have been in an abusive relationship. He started out verbally, which is usually how they do it to break you down mentally then he got physical. I had to get staples in my head one time because he pushed me into the cabinet it the kitchen. Yeah it was not a good experience and it ended in a restraining order.

Anyway, I will say give them major counseling and anger management. My ex was court ordered both twice a week for two years. It really did change him however on many levels. By going to these classes and having to talk to women who were severely hurt by their spouses in a domestic violence situations made him think and well he had two damn years to think about his actions.

We were together for a year before any kind of abuse started. It was drugs and alcohol that put him over the edge and at first I had no clue he was doing any kind of drugs, I didn't know what to look for. I started getting suspicious when he lost some major weight and was up all night for days. It's sad because when he wasn't on anything he was a really good guy. He was a hard worker and would do anything for anyone even me but drugs and alcohol made him a completely different person that scared me to death over time.

As far as other punishment I will not say beat them because I feel the counseling my ex went thru was worse than a beating since for two years he had to talk with men and women and hear their stories and meet family members of men and women who were killed by their spouses in domestic violence.

reply to post by mblahnikluver


This is their usual pattern:

1. They woo you in

2. Psychological abuse (putting you down, criticise you etc)

3. Isolate you (from family and friends)

4. Economically abuse you (to make it harder for you to run and to make you soley dependant on him)

5. Physical abuse

after you have left him......

6. Economic abuse continues (finds ways not to pay child support if children are involved)

7. Reverts back to psychological abuse (can and may stalk you sometimes for years even after meeting a new partner)

The only way to protect yourself is to be financially independant at all times no matter what and never NEVER share bank accounts under any circumstances. Always keep your valuables and private papers out of reach and with someone you trust.

reply to post by bluemirage5


Yup that is how it went down, but we didn't have kids and he didn't stalk me afterwards.

Yeah we had a shared account and I had my own as well. He cleared out our shared one a few times but I had my personal one that he didn't know about.

Castration!

What amazes me is how many women go back to their abusers.

Originally posted by jrod
Castration!

What amazes me is how many women go back to their abusers.

You have no idea what it is like so you will not understand why they go back. They have been broken down mentally to feel week and that they have to have this man in their life to live basically.

I never went back to mine. I actually wish him well.

reply to post by jrod


In a majority of cases, it's usually when there's kids involved although some without children go back. There are a variety of reasons why they go back but usually it's for financial reasons because their abusers have economically crippled them and taken the house.

Originally posted by mblahnikluver

Originally posted by jrod
Castration!

What amazes me is how many women go back to their abusers.

You have no idea what it is like so you will not understand why they go back. They have been broken down mentally to feel week and that they have to have this man in their life to live basically.

I never went back to mine. I actually wish him well.

I went back to mine twice, because I felt obliged, I thought he needed me! (He was an alcoholic, still is afaik, and I had some kind of rescue fantasy in mind. The second time it was because I was simply beaten down, and had no support. The biggest mistake I ever made..
Vicky

reply to post by Vicky32


No, the biggest mistake would had been if you returned back after leaving him twice or if you never learned at all.

Originally posted by bluemirage5
It only takes time for these Narcissistic qualities to emerge if you don't know what you're looking for or you have never had close contact with one. Fortunately and unfortunately for me, I have, probably known about a dozen of them and I know their drill. They never change their spots and they can not be redeemed.

I do think that in some cases, there isn't a violent pathology to the condition, they may still be pathological liars and have other negative traits, but may not necessarily become violent under normal or none-stressful conditions. The problem, seems primarily, to be when things are not going right and the stressers trigger the negative or more malevolent aspects of the PD. But the same can be said of all PDs, it is simply that with some, like NPD, that the 'blame' is outwardly manifested onto an 'object' of blame. And, to complicate matters further, the 'object of blame' is usually the only one who is exposed to this side of the person, at all other times they maintain the 'front' and the self-control, furthering the 'object's' isolation and reinforcing the 'it is your fault I am like this'/'you do this to me', line of psychological abuse. The longer the NPD is able to reinforce this belief system, both in the object and their own mind, the more convinced they will become of their 'rightness'. But more frighteningly for the object, the NPD becomes deeply invested in maintaining that persons perception of reality.

From a very early age I have attracted certain types, and considered myself to be fairly able to read the motives of those who approached me, and would instantly dismiss certain approaches, and in fact actively seek at times to avoid approaches altogether. However, despite all my best defences I still, apart from youth and the willingness to fall in love, had a weak spot, that my former 'controller' was able to exploit. He first befriended my brother, who is/was a lot less guarded than I. He was therefore able to learn about me prior to our even meeting, and in retrospect, due to my own PD, which means I am unusually introverted and have difficulty, at the best of times, maintaining multiple relationships, combined with my brother's long absences overseas, I was a perfect foil for his NPD and it was many years before he needed to resort to violence.

Retrospect, and reuniting with my brother, has been very, very painful and I have had to be startlingly honest with myself, for our child's sake as much as my own. I have had to admit that I don't know the person I spent over a decade loving, and there have been times, certainly since exchanging notes about events, understanding the person that he was beyond our four walls, and the depths to which he was willing to go to have control of me, has at times made me physically ill and at others, wish for a plank with which to hit myself repeatedly on the forehead with. We live and we learn. I hope.

I don't wish any punishment for him, I have given him the opportunity to redeem himself, for our child's sake, but he shows no signs of changing, and additionally, still seeks to use whatever means available to control me. I give him as little as possible. It was never, with us, as simple as victim and oppressor, I gave as much as I got, hence the folie-a-deux and the hardest thing for me was to consider myself a 'victim', it was difficult to see the difference between a 'fight' and 'abuse'. But until I saw myself as a victim, I couldn't break free because by doing otherwise was telling him that it was acceptable for him to use me as a vent for his violent expression.

What is the most difficult, when it goes all quiet in between outbursts, I do worry if he has found someone else to punish for his own shortcomings, but the nature of survival is that you sometimes have to be selfish and push such thoughts to the back of your head. It is too late now and I still know that I wouldn't have called the Police in any sooner, as he did, by the time it reaches that point, I think most of us are far too ashamed and have invested vast amounts of time and love on that person. It is hard to look a stranger in the eye and tell them what someone you loved has said and done to you. And mine, compared to some, was never that bad, and it was from the stories of survival of others that I draw my most strength. If they could, I could. And for anyone in that situation, finding other voices will help you to get out of that situation, and they will advise you on how to keep safe while you find your escape route. The help is there, but not until you decide to take it and to have enough faith in yourself, and the longer the relationship has lasted the more the abuser has invested too, you may be all they have, and they will consider you a possession. You need support, more than anything, because they will try everything to get you back.

And, once you get through the tunnel there is fresh air, and life is good, and finally you can relax...but make sure you address within yourself the whys and the wherefores; why you were 'targeted', how you facilitated the abuse, etc. These are harsh questions, but they will help avoid making the same mistakes, for those who can handle it, group therapy seems to be the most consistently effective for doing this, it creates a permissive environment, not only for victims, but also as Mblahnikluver points out, for the abuser as it aids in the breaking of the protective/defensive reality constructs that help compartmentalise the reality of the abuse from their otherwise 'normal' lives and understand the consequences. To some, being found out, is the worst kind of punishment, because the person they pretend to be, and want to be accepted as, is often diametrically opposed to the person that they actually are and they are deeply 'embarassed' (which is not the same as guilt or a sense of responsibility), by their actions and fear being 'found out' by those whose respect they seek.

Each case is individual more importantly, and I wish I could point to a moment in time when I could have avoided all this, and now, all things considered, I wouldn't change a thing because of who I am now, but I do still at times feel sorry for him, but he made his choices, just as I made mine, and given the chance to turn a corner, he instead decided to continue along the same path. What can you do?

In response to the OP, anyone who abuses another needs some kind of attention.

As to what degree of attention or punishment, it depends on the abuse of course.

If a physical abuser, and the person can't keep control of themselves, then taking them out of society and attempting treatment of their anger/control issues is warranted.

If a mental abuser, then again, treatment should be considered.

Also of paramount importance is the safety and well-being of any victims, and the prevention of further abuse at the hands of their abuser.

So, specific punishments for specific acts would be my motto.

well to be honest i didn't punish him i was in a abusive relationship for 10 yrs off and on his comments of i will change always kept on i was the stupid one and went back over and over expecting changes i never punished him nor did i have the gut to punish him i wish i was smart enough to have put a end to that for other women but i didnt i know stupid mistake

Castration and/or hormone therapy. Then again, why not a deprivation chamber where the screams echos inside.

Originally posted by kim0217
well to be honest i didn't punish him i was in a abusive relationship for 10 yrs off and on his comments of i will change always kept on i was the stupid one and went back over and over expecting changes i never punished him nor did i have the gut to punish him i wish i was smart enough to have put a end to that for other women but i didnt i know stupid mistake

I don't think there is such a thing as 'smart enough', street smarts maybe, I don't know, and anyway, why beat ourselves up about that. Should we feel guilty and stupid because we can fall in love? And because we believe in getting through the hard times and trying to find a solution, to try and help that person we love and not give up on them...we just wasted that faith and energy on the wrong person. We can learn from that, and perhaps try to understand that we are 'worthy' of a little of that belief and love back in return, and not fall into the same trap again.

The last thing you are is stupid. Or if you are so am I...and I absolutely and resolutely refuse to believe that

Originally posted by Pythein

Originally posted by kim0217
well to be honest i didn't punish him i was in a abusive relationship for 10 yrs off and on his comments of i will change always kept on i was the stupid one and went back over and over expecting changes i never punished him nor did i have the gut to punish him i wish i was smart enough to have put a end to that for other women but i didnt i know stupid mistake

I don't think there is such a thing as 'smart enough', street smarts maybe, I don't know, and anyway, why beat ourselves up about that. Should we feel guilty and stupid because we can fall in love? And because we believe in getting through the hard times and trying to find a solution, to try and help that person we love and not give up on them...we just wasted that faith and energy on the wrong person. We can learn from that, and perhaps try to understand that we are 'worthy' of a little of that belief and love back in return, and not fall into the same trap again.

The last thing you are is stupid. Or if you are so am I...and I absolutely and resolutely refuse to believe that

You have no idea how much you made me smile thanks that felt amazing i really needed that