For whatever reason, around May of the school year, i tend to reach a tipping point with emotions. 2 years ago I openly defied a teacher and screamed
at another, last year i choked a kid who had been tormenting me since the 4th grade and was suspended for 3 days. This year, I'm not acting out, just
keeping it inside. But while I might not be affecting others, the emotions are just eating me away from the inside out.
I try to be nice to everyone, even the people who have bullied me. The people who know me, tell me that I'm funny and nice, but the people who don't
know me just see a hyper, eccentric, and socially awkward kid and label me as creepy or weird. I do realize i joke around an awful lot in school and
don't know when to stop, making some people think i'm annoying, but that's just me being me. Humor is my way to break the boredom and deal with
stress. I try to know when to stop but sometimes just get carried away with jokes. I get along very well with adults, but kids my own age just think
i'm weird. All it takes is one move, to say or do the wrong thing, especially with girls, and it ruins everything.
I have a major case of cognitive dissonance. In other words, my actions are different than my attitude, creating confusion, stress, and major inner
conflicts. For example, I have little desire to get good grades or study hard, especially if the subject doesn't interest me. Yet, I do it anyway
because I feel like I have to in order to get a decent job. I keep asking myself why i do all this, go to school, study, etc. Part of the reason is
that i am pretty much forced to by my parents. The other reason is that I have this faint hope that if I get a degree, and a good job, that I'll be
happy. Part of me feels this isn't true, but I ignore it because I don't see another good alternative. Sure, I could live off the land, but I'd find
that kind of lonely. This adds to the helpless feeling. Another big reason why I go to school is for the social part. It really makes me happy to be
around friends. What truly matters to me, more than anything, are the bonds and friendships i make with others.
Another good example is today in school. 5 minutes before the end of the day, everybody was packing up and class was over. Without really thinking, I
took out my phone and looked over things I need to bring to my MVA driving test tomorrow. The teacher came over and asked for my phone (to confiscate
it). At that moment, i felt several things. I felt instant remorse because I really like and respect this teacher and didn't want to offend him, I
felt an air of defiance that wanted to say no, and felt an overall sense of helplessness. I weighed my options and decided to give him my phone. I
apologized immediately and told him i would trade a detention for my phone. He was nice, and gave me the option of turning it into the front office
where a parent could pick it up, or holding it until tomorrow morning. I chose the latter.
I talked to my mom about this, and she said "a rule is a rule, it's there for a reason. Stop trying to get over the system." But that's what bugs me.
I'm somewhat of a free spirited and independent person. I just want to do my own thing, and as long as I'm not hurting anyone, why should anyone
I also recently got out of an 18 month crush on a girl. I asked her to prom and she rejected me nicely to my face, then proceeded to tell everyone how
creeped out she was (for attention), and i still have people coming up to me telling me how creeped out she was. I've felt totally numb since then, I
thought about her for 18 months straight, dreamed about her, etc and this just feels like a slap in the face and a punch in the gut. I finally broke
down in tears today so maybe i'm starting to come around. I won't comment much further on this, as this thread is mainly philosophical/psychological
in nature and I don't want this to get moved to the relationship section. This is my Senior year of HS and i have a week left. HS has left a bitter
taste in my mouth. I could really use some life advice...
edit on 19-5-2011 by mossme89 because: (no reason given)