I share this as somewhat of an introducted to myself, as well as to present a true account of why I believe in a higher power. I'm not sure what
compells me.... but... submitting it anyway, for better or for worse.
This is my experience as best as I can describe it. I'll try to present it without too much interpretation, I'll leave that up to the reader.
- Growing up methodist, I was taught to believe if I prayed hard enough, God would help me. This never made sense to me because no matter how hard I
prayed, bad things continued to happen. When I questioned it, I was told that I was being punished by God, for the sins I committed and no one could
see... this didn't make sense either because I didn't lie, I didn't steal, I wasn't mean or spiteful.... even in hindsight I see no reason why God
would punish me in the ways I was being punished.
- During these early years, I had a nightmare that sticks with me to this day. The dream starts out with me in a long room, completely painted white,
with long white tables on either side, lined with white chairs on the outside. I don't know what was at either end of this room, but there were 2
men across from me. One was very tall, one was very short - both were bald, both in long white robes, and the short man had a large knife. I knew I
had to get out of there, so I ran through the door and discovered I was in my dads house. I started down the stairs, and saw that the entire first
level of the house was enveloped in a purple fog. There were evil noises coming from the fog that I can't begin to describe but I knew it was hell
and they were monsters. So I sat in the middle of the staircase and cried. Its significant because it haunted me, and through all the years of
lucid/vivid dreaming, its still the only one I remember. Most fade after a few days.
- By the time I turned 6, I was stealing money and cigarettes, and doing other things I knew I shouldn't be doing because I figured I should get my
moneys worth if I'm going to be punished... yes, 6. But I did continue to go to church - I didn't have much choice in the matter I guess, but I
never fought it. For the most part I had a good time at church. It was social, and I enjoyed the choir and "sunday school" was usually some cool
arts and crafts. So in spite of my confusion, I just put my faith in the adults around me that these things were "right", after all I was just a
child, and when you're a child adults know everything, right?
- Moving along, school was a nightmare. Looking back now I can't remember going to church or anything like that through those years. But I do
remember the sense that I was continuing to be punished. I was picked on and bullied and angry. I never wanted to go to school and did everything I
could to get out of it (from then right up until I quit at 16). I spent most of my time trying to figure out why I was being treated so unfairly.
- I hate to leave out a lot of details but I want to keep this focused on major turning points and skip most of the little ones. They're just too
personal and numerous, each one a story in itself. You're free to fill them in with your own experiences, they're probably similar. Also should
mention I did have friends, the majority just didn't come locally.
- In order to cope with my confusion I turned to instant gratification. When I was 12, I started drinking and was a full fledged pack a day smoker.
By the time I was 15 it was party central. Luckily I was smart enough to stay away from the heavier drugs. Then I met Adam.
- yes thats his real name, Adam.
- Adam told me he was a witch. Adam told me a lot of things, but the main thing I learned from Adam is that what I was raised to believe IS NOT THE
ONLY WAY to be. That I was free to think. That I had options. That basically what I was taught was wrong. Adam had all the answers I had been
- So at this point in time, I'm 15, I'm a free thinker, independent, and doing what I wanted to do and now felt completely justified in doing so. I
continued to party cause hey! thats the fun thing to do! I suffered still but at least it wasnt related to religion anymore, at least not that I know
of, I was just your standard depressed teenager from an outsider point of view (it went much deeper than that though, as I did end up hospitalized at
least once)... but I had decided at this point there was no god - he wasn't going to help me - so self medication was the way to go!
- Fast forward 18 months, now 17, I found out I was pregnant. The happiest day of my life. I quit everything, I even quit smoking (at least while I
was pregnant). If there was a child ever more loved and wanted I'd be surprised. I gave up my entire life, gladly. I no longer needed the partying
and the false friends. I knew now what my life's purpose was to be. To raise a mentally healthy child. So, I took my GED, gave birth, and enrolled
in a vocational school so that I could get on with my life.
- I also decided at exactly this time, to give God another chance. Of course I'm not one to go blindly into any faith at this point. I had decided
that it was a "learning" experience, and maybe I'd find something... nope, wait, I was wrong.
- I was judged. I was insulted. BY PEOPLE WHO CLAIMED TO BE CHRISTIANS
- My children were raised (2 boys I have now, they're 17 and 19yo) to educate themselves. I informed them over the years through many discussions
that some people believe in God, and some people do not. I advised them that they should try to learn as much as they can, and decide what is best
for them. I managed to raise a self proclaimed athiest, and someone who has accepted Jesus as his personal lord and savior, where I maintained that I
was agnostic. I just didn't know. This approach seems to have worked, as anyone who knows me can tell you, I have the most well behaved, respectful
children. I even tell people I'm still waiting for the terrible 2's to hit
I don't think just the religious views are "why", I think its
more along the lines of the fact that I communicated everything with them open, honestly, and I kept them involved in all the decisions that were made
regarding their own existance. But parenting is a whole other thread!
- I feel I should mention that I did over the years look into several religions, though I never studied any of them "in depth". And I'm still
completely opposed to organized religion. But I always defend what people choose to believe, I like to assume they're not all lemmings, and I think
religion is better than crack. I tried over the years to keep an open enough mind that I can argue for or against the existance of God, even if I
don't adhere to either belief.
- In searching for "answers" when I really didn't know what the questions were, and probably most of you can relate - I became fascinated with the
unknown. Ghosts, aliens, bigfoot, you name it. I would read anything I could get my hands on (pre-internet).
- I still struggle with depression also, but you get real good at hiding it when the people around you don't understand. In fact I got so good at
hiding it that when I started asking for help, no one believed me.
- More details I need to leave out go in this space, so we'll fast forward to present day.
- About 4 years ago my health took a turn for the worse. I was diagnosed with RA years ago but its only becoming debilitating in this time. The
severity of the symptoms lead to an exacerbation of the depression. Although I can honestly say that I'm not suicidal, I sure did have a death wish.
At night when I would try to sleep my brain would say the same thing over and over "die, die, die, die, dont wake up, please don't wake up, death,
die, die, die" - this went on up until just about the time the earthquake hit Japan...
- At this same time I started paying attention to the MSM - please do keep in mind that I always thought the newspeople were full of it, and
government controlled - so whats really important here is that I started paying attention to the "comments" - where I started to acknowledge
"conspiracy theories". Not that I wasn't aware they were there before, but they are just now becoming so prominent in my "keyword" based
reality. I can't escape them.
- Also at this same time I had a sudden change in my thought process. I went from "die, die, die" to "I'm cracking up, I'm cracking up, I'm
cracking up.." to the point that I really thought I was... It was an improvement I guess... but I even thought for a minute
that I might have
to commit myself (and have yet to fully take that off the table). See what the MSM can do to you! (half kidding)
- Then suddenly..... somehow... a word I had missed... "Pleiadians" (dont run!!!)
- The night I heard that word I googled, and I wiki'd and I youtubed and I googled some more - it lead me to more and more and more information and
words I had never heard before.... and the whole time all I could think was "HOW DID I MISS THIS" ... how oblivious am I to be so interested in
Ancient Astronaut theory, and UFO's in general that I had no idea there were Pleiadians - now being as skeptical as I am, given my history with
disinformation (particularly in the religious sense, which is the whole point of all of this) - I didn't believe everything I read - in fact they
almost lost me completely when I read the word "Draconian" cause I freakin saw that movie...
- BUT!!!!! -
- they talked about levels of existance, dimensions, consciousness - originally they said there were 12, but somewhere else they claimed to have just
discovered a 13th, and thats where they believe God is... they said that each level of consciousness is only aware of a few that are surrounding it -
which leads me to believe if there's a 13th, there could be a 14th, 15th, 16th and "God" could be on any of these levels that are above us - and it
never really has to end or begin.
- This lead me to think .. the reason God never heard me, the reason he was never present in my life, is because he's unaware of our plight in
general. There is a God, but we're ants to him, if we even EXIST to him.
- Now at this realization I have no choice but to open my mind to the possibility that there is a creator. Perhaps not an immediate one, but
somewhere in a long line of succession. Even if it did crawl out of primordial ooze. It's bigger than me, and bigger than I can understand.
- And suddenly, the words "I'm cracking up" changed to "Go with God" - and all I could hear was "Go with God" over and over..
- Then Suddenly, There was Adam.
- I couldn't believe it, there he was, after 20 years I had not spoken to him. Remember he had all the answers back in the day. We only had one
conversation, during which he says to me "guess what, 3 months ago I converted to ROMAN CATHOLIC"..... WTF
- IF there is a God, and IF he's aware of my presense in any way, shape, or form, and he wants my attention - there was NO better way of doing it
than sending Adam back to me, the epitome of Paganism, as a Roman Catholic - thats just a message I couldn't ignore.
- I told him this too, and he said I should not give him (or anyone) that much power. But what he doesn't understand, and maybe you can, is that he
always had the power. I had no choice in the matter.
- Now I have no doubt in my mind that there is something... Perhaps its not the "God" of the bible (I'll never believe that), or any defintion
that we're aware of... but something is leading me in this direction. My atheist son tells me if I look for signs I'll find them but in being
completely honest with myself, I wasn't looking for God - God found me.
- 8 days ago I turned 37. The economy being the way it is, I didn't expect anything, and I generally don't like to celebrate birthdays anyway. I
tend to believe a gift means more if its given randomly, not on specific holidays because some marketing concept tells you that you should. I did get
one gift though.
My xtian sons best friend bought me a bible, and invited me to go to church with him. I had not discussed any of this with him so in my mind it was
like a 3rd sign that something is to be learned there. Something is guiding me in that direction.
- So there it is. There is God.
- Now before anyone (including myself) jumps to conclusions, please know that until Friday I had NO IDEA what HAARP was, and my ideas regarding HAARP,
which I googled, and wiki'd, and youtubed, and googled again for the majority of Friday and Saturday - lead me to believe that I should be very
cautious in my newfound discovery/defintion of God, but I'm still trying to figure out if that fits in or not, to me it seems like some kind of
warning to be careful is all I can say at this time... but all these things happening in such a short amount of time... you speculate. I continue to
- Meanwhile, the voice in my head has stopped.
- If nothing else, I have a moment of peace. Thank God! (no pun intended, really) If only in the form of temporary peace, God exists. And of course
I'm still open to the possibility that next week I'll learn something else, that changes my way of thinking, but I'm pretty sure anything I accept
as truth from here out will include this understanding. I still believe the Bible is wrong, and I still believe religion is a cult that picks and
chooses whats included in those writings. That has nothing to do with God. My understanding of God at this point is that he is an enlightened entity
that we cannot comprehend. I'm still a work in progress for additional information.
- Thanks for listening.