Advice wanted for dealing with a toxic personality.

I work with someone who is, what I would call a 'toxic personality', and may well have some sort of mental illness,

they constantly try to start arguments, 'pick' and are generally very unpleasant,

i have tried to ignore him, but as i work with him every day, i cant .

any advice on how to deal with these sort of people?

Originally posted by Onet Wosix
I work with someone who is, what I would call a 'toxic personality', and may well have some sort of mental illness,

they constantly try to start arguments, 'pick' and are generally very unpleasant,

i have tried to ignore him, but as i work with him every day, i cant .

any advice on how to deal with these sort of people?

call him out on being a prick and maybe he will change, or just become a bigger prick to only him? lol jk just be yourself and avoid at all costs

Continue to ignore them.

I have dealt with people like this. Ignore, ignore and ignore. I would also say something to your boss or the person in charge where you work. Let them know what is going on so they have a record of it. It will protect you incase this person does anything..


Do they do anything directly that could harm you or anyone else?

Seriously I have dealt with completely toxic people off their rocker in a work environment and as hard as it is you just have to ignore them. Any kind of interaction that gives them the satisfaction that they want just feeds their toxicity.


Good luck.

reply to post by yourmaker


I disagree. I say 'kill them with kindness', as my nana used to say.
That is to say, you act so obnoxiously nice to them that they have a hard time acting negative around you.
Be a contrast to the negativity and it will make them consciously aware that no one likes a complainer.
A-holes have no defense to it

People who smack their lips and make 'mm' type noises while they eat really get under my nerves. I'm certain this isn't their intention, they are just blissfully downing their lunch or whatever...but I feel it as they though their sole desire in life is to get under my skin.

Maybe this guy just doesn't realize the effect he is having. Can you give an example of what happens? If it's just him blatantly being an ass and trying to pick fights, call him out on it.

Really depends on the nature of the toxicity. If he just offends you, that's one level you ought to be able to ignore. If he affects productivity and your ability to do your job, that's another level entirely. If the latter, document and take it up the chain of command. Of course, work politics plays a roll and we have no idesa what your situation is. The boss's son is a completely different issue than some kid the company picked up off of rehab for some tax credits.

If I had it to do over again, I'd do everything in my power to work for myself. The BS you have to take, in oh so many forms, when you work for someone else, is immense.

reply to post by Onet Wosix


shoot em in the face we dont need em

I know this is going to sound really super Christian of me but I am not a Christian by any means.

That said,

This situation calls for love.
Buy him luch or a candy bar from the candy machine.
Bring in some Starbucks on your way in to work for ONLY you and him.

Any sort of Random act of kindness will be the equivilent of putting a mirror in front of his face and will FORCE him to
see what a prick he is. It will not be immediate but it WILL have an effect. Be overly nice to him. Telling him to have a great day.

Tell him the worst possible thing you could ever tell someone you are pissed off at. Use this one sparingly. are you ready????

"I pray for you everynight" or "I am going to pray for you".
Stand back and watch the sparks fly!!!!
Initially he will be offendede and pissed off at that remark but.....if you say it convicingly and without a smirk on your face, he will be forced to review the situation at a later time when he is alone with himself. He will inevitably come to the same conclusion that everyone else already has..... "I am a real PRICK"!!!!!

Be careful, LOVE conquers EVERYTHING and should be applied generously.

Trust me, try it and you'll seriously be amazed.

Originally posted by StripedBandit
reply to post by yourmaker

 

I disagree. I say 'kill them with kindness', as my nana used to say.
That is to say, you act so obnoxiously nice to them that they have a hard time acting negative around you.
Be a contrast to the negativity and it will make them consciously aware that no one likes a complainer.
A-holes have no defense to it

I really like that idea. excellent post

Just a bit of love and kindess -
too much and he might end up
being your toxic buddy for life.

I've found it better to disengage, instead of attaching any kind of energy to this type of person.

First you need to understand a few things about psychology. If you were a truly confident person and totally accepting of your life and your self than people like that wouldn't bother you. When you make piece with your past and your present you learn to stop judging people, stop judging yourself, and stop letting people judge you. When you realize that someone is just trying to push your buttons to get a reaction you must understand that you only have 3 choices in that situation. You can react, based on emotion and what your instinct tells you to do, which is exactly what they want. You can respond, a delayed reaction based on logic and reasoning, which is the polite thing to do. Or you can do nothing at all. To do nothing at all requires a great deal of confidence. If they sense by your demeanor that they have pushed your buttons then they will continue to push them.

You also need to understand a few things about human nature. Why would someone want to push your buttons, you might ask? Because people feed off of each other. Just like vampires. No matter what you do or what personal choice you make in your life there is always going to be someone standing there pointing their finger at you. They want to feed off of what they perceive as weakness to build themselves up. If they start an argument or pick a fight they just want to prove that they are right and you are wrong to boost their own confidence. All the better if they can make you feel ashamed or guilty about something, but they can only judge you if you let them. Nobody has the right to try and make you feel guilty or ashamed about anything you do. Even if you know it's wrong. It's hard enough to make piece with yourself when you're wrong without a dozen people pointing their finger at you.

If I had an hour I could teach you some very basic concepts and coping skills to make dealing with that kind of vampire second nature. These are things that we should be taught in school when we are young, but the people who understand psychology and human nature don't want us to know. It's very easy to predict someones actions and reactions when you understand. Very easy to manipulate people if you are misguided enough. Unfortunately, most people who understand are incredibly misguided. That's why so many good people have to suffer.

reply to post by NE1911




I am due to go back to work next week after being off work with stress because of this man's actions. He is my line manager and a complete pig..... even his dog would bit him kinna guy... he just battered his ex partner and has been charged with assault kinna man....

please give me coping mechanisims as I know I am already scared about working with him again.....

I need all the help I can get

I literally have exactly the same problem ATM but it is with a few people. They are incredibly petty which is something I particularly hate, and they seem to be unable to look at the big picture. Does it really matter if something is done slightly different if the end result is the same?

The problem is the more you listen to them the more they will lay on you. They will steal your energy if you let them. They are like leaches!

As mentioned above either; ignore them, kill them with kindness, or disengage completely. Don't ask questions about the b*llocks they are talking, or try to reason with them, because they will only suck you in further.

reply to post by Big Raging Loner


How do I break the cycle of him needing to pick on me to make himself feel better......

I have an inner anger that is ready to come out and roar at him... but I cant he is my line manager, I have to give him respect and he knows it.....

hes a neep......

reply to post by cabinda


He does sound like a real nasty piece of work!

One tip I found on a website after Googling the same problem was this: Try to envision a bright light surrounding you, emanating a positivity in all directions. Practise this before encountering this person, to be sure you can consistently hold this frame of mind.

Obviously you're going to have a few slip ups where he will still get to you, it happens to me when I'm tired or hungry. If this happens, then at your earliest convenience, take a break to recuperate and refocus by whatever means. Then get back to it at full energy.

Unfortunately this guy has affected you to the point where you are now discussing him in your free time. Which is feeding his negativity and weakening your resolve. You have to try to focus on positive things.

Another really good tip to do that I picked up a few years ago and has helped me no end. What you do is think of positive things from your past, or a friend, or loved one who makes you feel completely at ease, more than that in fact, something that makes you feel confident!

Really focus on this positive experience or person, and when you do, carry out a unique yet subtle mannerism. Such as squeezing on your right thumb, with your left thumb and pointer, gently pinching it. Do this repetitively each time you visualise the positive experience, lock it into your memory to associate it with this unique gesture. Eventually the feeling of positivity will be bonded to this gesture, so that in any situation all you have to do is your unique gesture and you will feel instantly more at ease.

Speaking from experience this really works. I used the thought of the first time I caught a wave and stood up on my surf board, and the time when my friend got his head shaved in the middle keeping the hair around the sides!

www.life-with-confidence.com...

www.pitchvision.com...

I've dealt with the same kind of personality at my work. Trust me....."killing them with kindness" didn't work. I actually had to write a formal letter saying I wouldn't work in the field with this guy because I was afraid for my own safety. The guy was a violent, abusive, ultra religious nut bar.

Talk to your boss and let upper management deal with it first.....

That didn't work for us either but it was a start. This guy used to think I was a threat to his family for some reason and he had threatened me and others.....the union stepped in but concluded that the rest of us were the problem. It wasn't only until he was placed out of our office to the head office downtown did they finally realize that we were telling the truth about the guy.......after he walked into the head manager for the province's office and yell and scream and threaten to hit him, did they finally fire him. Even after the fact, knowing how violent he was we feared he might show up with a gun one day and shoot a bunch of us.

If you have a union, speak to them and get them to take action.

reply to post by Big Raging Loner






thank you ... I will be brave strong and pray for my angels to give me strength.....I know him and can read his moods , its now going to be survival mode....

I am bigger than this, and am bigger than him and his bad bad karma.... its a shame , it doesn't have to be like this.......

reply to post by Onet Wosix

Don't let them get to you. Allow them to vent all they got till exhausted and try to comment on the minimum. Basically leaving them to entertain themselves. why waste your energy when you can just let them waste theirs. If you feed into them then you begin to feed them your energy. Dont gotta ignore just keep all interactions to minimum and if they keep it up leave em talking to their self..

I always wondered what would happen if with one of those people... when they did their thing you just yawned and laughed, sort of like mentally projecting "you are boring the crap out me", that would probably irritate them more.