reply posted on 20-4-2011 @ 08:21 PM by Maxmars
What you are enduring will factor in the way you can approach navigating through it. What I hope you understand is that it may be very unlikely, at
this point, for you to actually fully experience this as you attempt to rationally get through it. It is the nature of hindsight, which you will
benefit from someday. How soon that day comes is up to you - entirely.
I can't presume that I have any particular wisdom that can benefit you - at least insofar as 'making it all better;' but as a someone I find
insightful and intelligent, I believe you will understand what I can offer, Questions and reflections. Some of these questions and reflections may
evoke pain, although I can only hope that is not the case, I cannot guarantee this will be pleasant.
An author whom I consider fairly wise, once penned a beautiful thought, which I can only brusquely paraphrase because I don't have it memorized.
Hopefully Gibran fans will forgive me.
When a man and a woman bring a child into this world, they are as a bow; with their combined strength and effort, together they launch their child as
an arrow, into this world; knowing the best they can do is aim, because once the arrow has left the bow, it has only that strength and effort to help
it on the way. The child will be affected by many things that neither parent can control, but if the aim is true, it is everything the parents could
have hoped for, as they gave everything they could.
I offer this remembrance to color my next words in those terms. Please do not answer the questions.... the answers are for you, not me, not us.
You must be willing to accept that you may have given all you can to her. This is because she is already in flight. To return her to the bow
requires something you cannot control, or can you? Consider this: Your daughter was in the care of you family because of circumstance; why they
would choose to resist returning her may have nothing to do with injustice, suffering, or grief, or does it? What is the real obstacle to your
reunion? Is it your relationship with the remainder of your family? Is this child the cause or a tool in this disagreement? Is their an offense to
remedied, can the circumstance be changed? Is the perception of your family the circumstance now?
Clearly someone thinks that the benefit of the child is better served by her staying where she is. How that notion came to reside in the mind of a
judge is another matter. Are you able to believe that she is in no danger, and well cared for?
Are you in despair over not having your child with you, or is the child in despair over not having you? Has she been shielded from the drama? She
surely wont forget the truth. You have the means to prove (and I'm sure your competent attorney must have compiled all the instances of your former
petitions for her custody) that you never wanted to abandon her. Surely she knows you love and want her; and in 5 years time, she will have a full
understanding of what happened.
Despite the surrender, your heart must know that you can never truly be disconnected from your child. Correspond in handwritten letters. Read the
books she reads, watch the TV shows she watches, discover the things that are normal in her life. Write her a book. Communication cannot be denied
you, use it wisely... never lie, never speak ill of your family - ever - allow her to form her vision of the truth... she will not fail you.
If the child is the core of your life, then you must act as your heart compels you. If that means a choice of the hard road - in which she is at risk
of sharing your pain - or the easy road, where you maintain a regimen of contact with her; that choice is yours. But know that her welfare is not the
real issue.... it never was. This is about something your family perceives strongly enough to drive them to risk alienating you... this is something
outside the courtroom. That is a disadvantage both to you, because they have custody, and them, because they will forever be burdened with a
misrepresentation they will be forced to maintain.
Forgive me... perhaps I've gone too far. Let me address less personal things, I'm afraid I've been hit by the presumption bus; down that road lies
Your lawyer sucked. There is no way, given what you have stated, that this case should have ever gotten to the point of your lawyer folding at the
mediation before trial. He could have simply stated, "My client advises me she wishes this to be formally adjudicated in court." Then he would
have been able to prepare a better case focusing on the repeated attempts to resume full custody. Sounds to me like you found another one of those
'cookie-cutter law' attorneys who value compliance over confrontation. If you need a lawyer, but can't afford one, go to a local law clinic at the
nearest university which teaches law.... contact support groups for people who have been separated from their children... they all know the advocacy
groups that can try to help.
If you were truly brow-beaten into conceding, call the BAR to lodge a complaint that your lawyer did not represent you competently, nor in good
..... by the way, did I mention that I am not a lawyer and am not considered able to give competent legal advice? It's true. I am not.
Your letter is not possible. Do not send it, wait three days. Then consider if this is the message you want associated with you in light of your
situation. I suspect any lawyer would say "Hell no."
By the way; have you ever considered that the reason for the letter is because you want to communicate with them... get feedback? Is that really what
you want? Or just to make them feel bad and 'give them a piece of your mind'? Or maybe to re-craft the events in your mind and theirs by
retroactively rationalizing what has happened according to the bias of a mind beset with a grief few can relate to? Do you think they want to hurt
you? Do they think you want to hurt them? Can you envision a happy ending to this story that doesn't include a permanent schism in your family? And
what effect would that have on your child?
What about your child? Is this really about her, or them, or maybe you?
Some of what I have written may seem obtuse or waaaay off the mark - or even accidentally correct; but it is all a product of my own mind as it
wanders about what you've asked us all to consider. I apologize if I was rude or somehow caused offense, certainly none was offered
I have some questions I would really like to ask you though; how much trust should we invest in forums like these for such intensely personal matters?
I ask because I am probably too old to feel that comfortable doing such things, it seems too much to trust, you know what I mean? On the other hand,
if any one of us has given you anything positive to use - that's good too.