The Letter My Friend Says I Shouldn't Send - A True Story

As some of you know, I am on the tail end of things in a legal kidnapping conspiracy. Recently, I returned from a cross country, round-trip bus ride, staying a month with my best friend - my sister in spirit if not flesh - as she, her husband and I dealt with me having to be in court in the next city over. (Thank goodness for understanding landlords - we owe back rent to make this possible.)

My sister and her...life partner? and her ex-husband (who all live together with my daughter) are presently my daughter's guardians. When MY life partner and I went homeless in 2007, we sent our daughter to stay with my sister until we were stable. It took a while, but we finally knew we could care for her and asked for her back. The guardians objected and we started a battle that left us, quite poor and three thousand miles away, against their money and proximity.

We filed to dissolve the guardianship six times in three years, with money to get there in person the biggest issue on the first two attempts, "improper document filing protocol" on the next three (suddenly the book was very important), and had just been granted our third telephone hearing when my sister announced, by way of email, that she was filing to dissolve our parental rights on the grounds of "abandonment."

Yep. Abandonment.

Anyway, I recently returned having arrived with the intent to fight for my rights. What I thought was a one time court appearance turned out to be a three court event. The first to establish dates for a "negotiation session" and (if that failed) the final judgment, so all the while I was there, I was living at the behest of my friends - who, like me, are professionals unemployed. They were doing better than me. My best friend had just run out of unemployment and her husband was still on it.

So on that final date, one month after the first, when I arrived I was stressed to the max, my heart rent asunder as I watched my sister and my daughter - who turned eight in January - sitting outside the courtroom. "My" attorney arrived and with my friend urging me to fight, began to show concern for "getting as much out of them in concession." My friend kept up with the advice, and he kept trying to steer me to think about giving in being my best option.

At one point my friend got into a discussion with my brother, I think, and "my" attorney yanked me aside and began with, "I've seen what's in there. You're going to lose." From that point on he kept pushing the get something or else you get nothing tack. At some point, something snapped. I lost hope and all I wanted to do was get this harpy out of my life.

"Fine! I'll give up!" I hissed. "Will that make you happy!?!"

"Well what about the concessions?"

Since we had already drawn up a list of what we wanted - xbox and camera, report cards, video and pictures - I said, "Give them that list."

"They won't give you all that." (Geez, I cry in anguish to myself, does it have to be complicated?)

"Fine. Whatever they want. Just get it over with!"

And then, though we had been sitting a good while outside the courtroom through all this, minutes later we were called in.

I forced myself to walk through the doors and sit at the end of the table. I was numb and yet in hell at the same time. My eyes passed along and suddenly I found them meeting my sister's. Such a weird energy was exchanged and I closed my eyes.

The judge was announced with instructions to stay seated. I did not open my eyes. The judge asked about who was present and my husband, home to work to ensure money for the landlord, was there via phone. Then she asked "my" attorney my position and he rattled off basically that I was giving up my rights, and the judge asked me if that was about right. Though in the transcript the word, "Sure," might sound...cheerful, even, it held such anguish and despair.

The judge then asked about concession, and he rattled off a list which included things we should have been getting all along but hadn't: pictures, report cards, if she happens to be in the area she can visits if she wants to - but just me. (Her Father was a separate case - and he fought via the phone...and earned an appeal.)

The judge asked me if that was ok. I said, Yes," between gritted teeth. "My" attorney then asked if I could be excused, the judge said yes, and I wasted no time getting out, past my brother, my father-in-law, my sister's ex-husband, and my daughter. Out the door that led outside to the parking lot.

My best friend, bless her, stayed and witnessed my partner's part of the proceedings. I lit a cig and wandered the parking lot, and contemplated running out in front of a fast moving car.

If it wasn't for the fact that I have work to do on this planet (see my sig), I strongly believe that would have been my choice.

Anyway, below is the text of the letter I sent to my friend with the innocent protected, and explanations of things that the recipients understand but you might not in curly braces[].:

CAST of Characters:

TED - Brother
BECKY - Sister
ERICH - Sister's partner
GARY - Sister's ex-husband
MARC - Paternal Grandfather
(MC) - My Child.

Dear Ted and Becky and Erich and Gary and Marc and [My Daughter, My only Child, now eight and a quarterish - here called (MC)]]

I have no idea where to begin this. So I will write a section to each of you

Ted,

I am at a loss - you seem to think it is your job to crap on everything I bring to the table. You are so vested in the idea that [Her Father] is a horrible father, even to the point of harassing [Best friend of Her Father] - you try to make it out that just because [Best friend of Her Father] didn't witness every moment, he has no clue how we were parenting (MC). You state that "kids say things to please adults" - without also admitting that kids only say such things when pressed - they don't volunteer such things. That (MC), without any prompting, asked [Her father] why she couldn't just come home with us in Scranton - and then, when I came up, turned to me and begged for us [in tears, no less] to take her home with us shows that at that time, she still remembered our love. But you (and everyone else, I guess) just can't justify ripping (MC) from our arms if you thought there was any time she actually wanted to come home.

You also say that because this feeling "didn't stick" that it was fake - but given enough time and brainwashing, any feelings a child might have can be erased. You suggest that [Her Father's Niece]'s praise for our parenting was "unimpressive" - because she didn't happen to use the term "often," or "frequently," or "a couple of times a week." WTF? You just don't see how far from rational you are on this matter.

You hold up a template of "perfect dad" and anyone who falls short of this is unfit for parenting - you will not acknowledge that parenting is a learning experience, and mistakes will be made. You will not accept Human imperfection (how irrational is THAT???). You reason that one or two mistakes equals someone who beats their child and endangers them. Again, you are so far from rational in your views it astonishes me.

You say *I* am trying to scapegoat. No. I know Linda and I have seen the ugliness and envy she holds. And if you all got the idea that [Her father] and I were not doing a very good job of raising our daughter, then you were lied to. No "scapegoat" here. You use [Her father] as the scapegoat to justify what Becky did.

Well, at this point, I have no brother. Please make no further efforts to contact me.


Becky,

It is clear that all of you have focused (MC)'s memories into a few negative incidents - erasing the 99.999999999% of the time she had with us that was happy, full of laughter, lots of learning, exploring, love and hugs. You fed her the idea that her daddy is a bad daddy, you did not keep her aware that she would come home, you brainwashed her.

You knew the "abandonment" regulation and ensured we did NOT know it. (So ethical, that.) I thought you sent that $49 back to me out of consideration for me. Out of some ethical sense. But it was so that you could claim we sent no support.

And speaking of ethical - how you must be patting yourselves on the back for having that travesty of justice in the courtroom be in your favor. That was in no way a fair trial. The report was biased (no matter how much "conflict of interest" was supposed to have been avoided) - many details that we brought forth were not mentioned, and it was very much in error on others. NO effort to interview [(MC)'s Paternal Grandmother] was made (though she has been included on all guardianship papers), no efforts were made to interview any others with first hand knowledge either. [Her Father] had no chance to testify though the judge said [in court, moments before] he would have the chance (the judge was not interested in OUR side - how ethical is THAT? Justice? Heh. Don't you feel proud to have screwed your sister through your connections, avoiding actual justice), and I was pushed over the edge into temporary insanity by "my" attorney.

On top of that, the moment we filed to bring (MC) home, ETHICALLY, the question of abandonment was off the table. You and Erich are rather pathetic and I am concerned to have my daughter raised by ones of such dubious ethics. In fact, my daughter is dead. The loving, compassionate, understanding, caring, giving child that left me is gone. You killed her. In her place is an Imelda wannabe, stuck up, spoiled plastic Disney Consumer Doll. Good job, Beck.

As for our video, maybe you should watch with some degree of a sense of humor. All of those pieces made (MC) laugh - especially the poopie scene. [The "poopie" scene was (MC) proudly showing off her accomplishment in the commode, with [Her Father]'s "awe" and encouragement to flush - at age 3 3/4ish.] We watched it a number of times at her request and we all laughed and laughed. If there were issues of Lili unclothed, we were teaching her that the Human body is nothing to be ashamed of. If you are raising her with such a stigma I am all the more concerned. These were home movies. They had meaning to (MC) and we included ones she liked. YOUR reaction is irrelevant.

You WANT there to be a problem with [Her Father] and me - to justify your underhanded, two-faced stealing of my child.

I have no sister. Please make no further efforts to contact me.


Erich,

I was told that you told (MC) that "Mommy made the right choice." [Mommy went temporarily insane from stress and emotional anguish being used by "her" attorney to break her hope and have her give up her parental rights "voluntarily."] No. Mommy made an insane choice. You and Becky did nothing to retain (MC)'s ties with us - in fact you actively discouraged her from doing so by keeping her so focused on a few moments that were unhappy with her father (what? three hands raised and a few times he raised his voice), never asking, I'm sure, about the many, many times she was happy, thereby building a sense in her that her father was always mean. Brainwashing a child is pretty easy, huh?

You're a weasley sort, you know that? You're so sure you know what our family life was like from 3,000 miles away, based on lies of an envious step-mother and a hen-pecked husband.

Your snide comment about not telling her "all the time" she would go home to us "any day now" was ridiculous. You knew that was not what was in order. Gentle reminders now and then was what was in order. We asked for Becky's help and were screwed by the two of you.

I have no interest in you whatsoever. Please make no efforts to contact me.


Gary,

I have no email for you at present. I have little to say to you, really, except that you have no clue.


Marc,

You lied to me. Three times, you lied. You have been lying since. Whereas once you complimented both [Her Father] and me for our parenting, you now claim there was some problem - but what exactly was that problem? What lies have you been telling to justify your position?

I despise you. Please make no further efforts to contact me.


(MC),

In the report it was said that you said that Daddy and Mommy "made mistakes" and that we "would never change." What mistakes did we make (other than sending you to live with Auntie Becky)? How would you like to see us change?

I am willing to bet you don't have answers to those questions and that this is merely what you have been told, brainwashed into believing. You have no specifics - because there are none - and just parrot the things you have been told.

Someday, my sweet Buddha, you will see how you were manipulated, how you were made to believe there were problems but no specifics were given, how Auntie Becky envied me and took you from me. On that day, I will hold my arms open and welcome you home.

My friend's advice is to NOT send it. To send my daughter a vapid, uninformative thing. The above sits so well and her suggestion sits so poorly with me, I though I would get more opinions.

Anyone on ATS have helpful thoughts?

Wow! What a mess.

First off - - - only send positive love to your daughter. The one thing you need is communication rights. Are you allowed to talk to her on the phone.

Children are very good at making up their own minds about things.

I've been in situations where I have written letters. They are still sealed and in a drawer. Probably where you should put this one.

Actions of Love and continued positive connection - - - will probably have the best affect. You may not get her back as a child - - - but she will probably come to you when she has her own voice.

Laws have changed in child custody cases. Today laws protect the child. If the child is happy and cared for where she is - - - its tough to change that.

You, just as everyone I have known my entire life, are suffering from Antinomia.

I say send it.
Send it every day.
Send it to everyone.
Parents, friends, neigbors.
Mail copies of it to them weekly.

Do this for years on end. Never change a word,
and everytime they try to contact you notify the police you are being stalked.

Unless it's your child.


David Grouchy

I am so sorry for your situation, truely I am. I cannot imagine what it must feel like to be betrayed in such a horrid way by family.
I know you will not like this but I agree with your friend, do not send that letter. Instead, simply send a letter to your daughter making sure she understands how much you love and that you will always be there waiting with open arms for her to come home. Don't (I know it's hard) bring your feelings about the adults involved in this into your communication with your daughter. She will see the truth when she is older.

If you have a 'recorded delivery' service use it when you mail the letter to your daughter. That way even if they refuse to sign for it and block her from getting it YOU will have reciepts to prove you tried to maintain contact. You can show these to your daughter when she is older or if she asks.

I hope you do manage to get your daughter back one day.

My thoughts and love are with you.

reply to post by Amaterasu


I have no answers. But I do believe in seeking council from those close to us. Emotion invariably leads me to make matters worse. I'm not much of a praying man but I'm sending a message to my higher power to help my friend Amaterasu.

Peace and Love

I realize that you are in a lot of pain. Do not send that letter, especially the section that is addressed to your daughter. An 8 year old doesn't deserve to be talked to that way. She is in pain, too. She is hurt and confused and her loyalties probably change from minute to minute as she witnesses all of these adults fighting over her for reasons she isn't experienced enough to understand. The only thing that you need to say to her is that you love her very very much and always will. Tell her that you always want her in your life. Leave it at that. Say nothing more about anything. As she gets older, she will be able to piece together what has happened and who did what.


This is coming from a former eight year old in a similar situation.

Deep story my friend, very deep. Sending that letter is going to depend on your ability to control your emotions or not. At this point, I can't see how that letter will be beneficial to you in any way, I'm pretty sure that your sentiment towards them is understood and acknowledged. The tough choice is with your daughter, I'd be torn apart being in your shoes. The best advice I can give would be to not confuse her further by telling her everyone is lying and misleading her, even though that may be the case, it certainly won't help to have such a young mind cluttered with mixed emotions. 8 years old is a very vulnerable stage of life. As tough as it sounds, maybe the best thing would be to wait until she gets a little older, then attempt to win her back through exposing the truth. As she grows older she will think about everything a lot more and who knows, maybe she will end up being the one to patch things up between your family. Best of luck to you, I sincerely hope everything works out for you and your family.Keep your chin up as hard as it may be....

I agree... do not send that. Instead send your daughter letters to show that you love and care for her, only send a copy to her case manager as well. Just so the people involved in this can't say that you never sent her letters. If they do you have copies documented with someone that couldn't fabricate it.

WOw...I dont have any answers for you. But all you can do ( as a father who sons live with the Devil Spawn/Antichrist, in another state) when you do visit, is just let your daughter know how much you love her, and nothing will ever change that. Continue to build on that relationship, For petes sake never give up that! keep in mind, as she gets older, and is able to understand, then you will have your revenge!

Star and flag for you because I kind of know what you are dealing with. A little different though. It involves my first son and his mother. I think she was jealous because we did things like camping and Chuck-E-Cheese's alot. I just didn't sit at home all of the time.

But anyways, as far as the letter. I do not know if I would send it as is. If you wish to send them a letter, do it with a little more class(not trying to sound like an arse. I think it sounds a little white trash-ish). I would hold off on the wishing to never see you again parts. I would maybe just say. I am sorry we do not see the eye to eye on what is best in this situation. If you say something too harsh you might regret it later on down the road. Those things will haunt you for ever. One thing is for sure. If you sound sophisticated and classy, they will remember that. If you sound like you are spiteful and full of hatred they will say, " see we made the right decision".

Let them stew and wonder about your politeness. They will wonder if what they are doing is the right thing.

I do not wish to sound like I know it all... I know white trash, hell I came from the trailerparks down south. I like to think that these days when I sound like I have taken the time to educate myself and present myself in a manner of decency, the results are different.... If not just for pride in the fact that I was polite and did my best, nobody can take that away from me. I know that later on down the road my son will realize that I cared for him and love him very much. Nobody can take that from me. Not even a judge.

PS. I feel your pain and I just wanted you to know how I feel straight up, no beating around the bush. If I come off like I am an arse, I apologize.

#1 - - PROTECT THE CHILD.

Do not do anything that will cause the child more stress and anguish.

Another thought.

There should be no communications except through lawyers.

I'm sorry for your pain, such a sad time for you and family. You must do what you feel is right, but I would caution you not to make major/rash decisions in the midst of crisis/pain or trauma. You need time/space for a clear head and a clear perspective, allow yourself this. The letter can be sent later if you decide, must it be now? To what end will it bring and will that help anyone (especially you or your daughter) in anyway, right now? These are rhetorical questions, no need to answer them here, but do think about them. Peace to you...

I am so sorry for your situation, and I will leave my opinion, as I know that it is all I can do. I would not send the letter. Keep it, read it, even if to remind you of the players that have made this situation possible. Take whatever you feel for your child and share with your child only. This has to be very hard for an 8 yr old to understand, and later in time your child will have the ability to see what happened.

Write and write often, whatever you send make sure its certified, so that there is proof in your hands that you in fact are making an effort. Make it ALL about you child, and no one else. What is done is done, but there is always your love, compassion, and fighting spirit that will stay visible for your child later on. If you send upsetting letter/letters, those may be the only ones they choose to show your child.

BTW, I use the term "your child" ofter as son/daughter is a general term, as "your child" is more personal. I wish you well in your efforts, and again, I am so sorry for what has happened. Maybe you can find a support group also, as this may help, knowing that there are others out there that are going through the same thing.

Also, never underestimate what a child in these types of situations remember, the love between a child and a parent, can be disrupted by words, but not by actions, your love will keep the relationship between you and your child pure, until you both have a chance to be reunited.

Peace, NRE.

IMHO... sending those letters would be like throwing gasoline on an open flame.

Time heals. I think the only one who should really matter to you is your child, and I would definitely not send an 8-year old kid a negative note. Just let her figure things out for herself, and eventually she will come looking for you. Kids aren't stupid.

Originally posted by Annee
Wow! What a mess.

First off - - - only send positive love to your daughter. The one thing you need is communication rights. Are you allowed to talk to her on the phone.

Children are very good at making up their own minds about things.

I've been in situations where I have written letters. They are still sealed and in a drawer. Probably where you should put this one.

Actions of Love and continued positive connection - - - will probably have the best affect. You may not get her back as a child - - - but she will probably come to you when she has her own voice.

Laws have changed in child custody cases. Today laws protect the child. If the child is happy and cared for where she is - - - its tough to change that.

Thank you Annee. I suppose I could call - but I almost always get the machine, and when I do get her she has nothing to say. Besides, I have 14 minutes on my phone until the first, and I try to keep something on in case an employer calls (I only have 68 minutes a month...).

They wouldn't give this to her, anyway. It's more for her in the future. It's for them so that they know what I want to say to her.

And it was happy and she was VERY well cared for when she was with us. The issue is...we don't have money and they do.

Originally posted by Alora
I realize that you are in a lot of pain. Do not send that letter, especially the section that is addressed to your daughter. An 8 year old doesn't deserve to be talked to that way. She is in pain, too. She is hurt and confused and her loyalties probably change from minute to minute as she witnesses all of these adults fighting over her for reasons she isn't experienced enough to understand. The only thing that you need to say to her is that you love her very very much and always will. Tell her that you always want her in your life. Leave it at that. Say nothing more about anything. As she gets older, she will be able to piece together what has happened and who did what.


This is coming from a former eight year old in a similar situation.

Thank you so much for your wise words. As I mentioned in my last post, I don't think that would make it to her at this time. It's for the future. It's all for those guilty parties.

No, if I was to write her something individually, it would be more on the lines you and my friend suggest. I just can't write anything to her right now - that wasn't MY daughter I met at. (I have seen her once a year after I sent her to be cared for - that's when she begged us to take her home with us - and then again this time around.)

I don't know who that person was. I have nothing to say to her.

Originally posted by ComplexSimplicity
I agree... do not send that. Instead send your daughter letters to show that you love and care for her, only send a copy to her case manager as well. Just so the people involved in this can't say that you never sent her letters. If they do you have copies documented with someone that couldn't fabricate it.

I like your ideas. There is no case worker, though. My sister works in child welfare - that is how she got her connections. Now she wants to adopt my daughter and only my husband is in the way.

Originally posted by liejunkie01
Star and flag for you because I kind of know what you are dealing with. A little different though. It involves my first son and his mother. I think she was jealous because we did things like camping and Chuck-E-Cheese's alot. I just didn't sit at home all of the time.

My heart goes out to you.

But anyways, as far as the letter. I do not know if I would send it as is. If you wish to send them a letter, do it with a little more class(not trying to sound like an arse. I think it sounds a little white trash-ish). I would hold off on the wishing to never see you again parts. I would maybe just say. I am sorry we do not see the eye to eye on what is best in this situation. If you say something too harsh you might regret it later on down the road. Those things will haunt you for ever. One thing is for sure. If you sound sophisticated and classy, they will remember that. If you sound like you are spiteful and full of hatred they will say, " see we made the right decision".

Really... If I don't send this, I'm not sending anything. I have nothing else to say to them. But I appreciate where you're coming from. And nothing will haunt me more than knowing I gave up my parental rights.

Let them stew and wonder about your politeness. They will wonder if what they are doing is the right thing.

I know Erich, and HE'd say, "Oh good. She's being civil." And not think anything else of it.

I do not wish to sound like I know it all... I know white trash, hell I came from the trailerparks down south. I like to think that these days when I sound like I have taken the time to educate myself and present myself in a manner of decency, the results are different.... If not just for pride in the fact that I was polite and did my best, nobody can take that away from me. I know that later on down the road my son will realize that I cared for him and love him very much. Nobody can take that from me. Not even a judge.

Well, interestingly, my father was an aerospace engineer and I was raised upper middle. LOL! It may seem Jerry Springer, but it is so true. And I can't believe that people sworn to justice allow such travesties to happen.

I have been polite, reasonable, fairly calm, rational up until now. And now I have nothing to lose. I'm already on the ground. And now I want to speak my mind.

PS. I feel your pain and I just wanted you to know how I feel straight up, no beating around the bush. If I come off like I am an arse, I apologize.

Not at all. Honest. I like that in an individual. Thank you for that.

Originally posted by Amaterasu
Thank you Annee. I suppose I could call - but I almost always get the machine, and when I do get her she has nothing to say. Besides, I have 14 minutes on my phone until the first, and I try to keep something on in case an employer calls (I only have 68 minutes a month...).

They wouldn't give this to her, anyway. It's more for her in the future. It's for them so that they know what I want to say to her.

Just stay in contact and always positive. My dad abandoned us - pretty much. It wasn't that he was gone - - it was that he made no effort to stay in contact after he married the woman he ran off with. None of that mattered - - except the abandonment. If he had just called once a month - - or even twice a year.

That's what a child needs. A child needs to know they are not abandoned. Even if they have a good life.

I asked about phones - - because you can never be sure if they get something sent. I know because at first my dad sent presents - - but my grandmother confiscated them and hid them.

Hold on to what you wrote and give it to her after she is grown.

Yes - I know about money. My grandson's other grandmother is an "estate baby". She wants custody and tried to sue for grandparent rights. Fortunately her son who died - - did so before putting his name on the birth certificate and they weren't married. She has no rights. Her money won't help her.