posted on Apr, 16 2011 @ 06:30 AM
OK... that's much better. I did enjoy it. Some rough edges, but I can see you used your imagination.
We have a nice opening with a couple going snorkelling. This paints pictures in my mind because I've gone snorkelling too. It's always great to read
about things we've most of us done because it attaches us, the readers, to what you're describing. Because of that, you had me hooked from the
Then the aliens attacked. The description of it was OK, but I really don't know what the 4 or 500 aliens looked like or how they moved. If the
readers had an idea about their body shapes, that part would have been more personal, as in if they resembled an octopus or an insect. But, never
mind, because you can fill that in later.
Rob and Sherry already seem to have some semblance of personality and can be described in better detail later. Sometimes, in dire situations like
this, one might be braver than the other who may be more about common sense. Which way do these two (I'm guessing young) people react?
Lt. Biggs seems like someone used to being in charge. I trust him already, but should I?
Not a bad start at all.
Now, be sure to add more to this story on this thread, so readers can more easily follow the tale and comment on each part as it gets written.
And always remember this golden rule of writing: You are talking to an audience and they need to be interested in what you're saying. The best way to
do that is by talking about the things that interest you and that you have experienced. Nothing floats like personal experience.