Cant trust the mother of my child

This has been building up inside for awhile now. I have a two year old boy who is just the sweetest kid you could imagine. He is smart, he listens, he plays cars and trucks and trains all day long. Just as sweet as can be. Changing his diaper is about the only time he gives me grief.

The problem is with his mother. We were together about 3 1/2 years before he was born. She completely changed after the baby came. She became argumentive, slept all the time and very hateful. I could deal wwith that stuff but she was very lax in her care of him and it bothered me. Shed laugh at him when he cried, wouldn't do he basic things that are common sense like supporting his head when shed hold him and other things that were very disturbing I don't want to get into.
When i would bring up the things that bothered me shed get angry until the point it boiled over and she attacked me while I was holding the baby who was 3 months old at the time.

We split up and big suprise, the court sided with her. I get about one full day a week with my son now.
I could almost be ok with it if I could trust her with him but I can't. I couldn't take it and tried to patch things up with her for his sake but the way she is with him makes me resent her completely and I can't hide it.

If I'm on the phone with her I hear her scream at him to go away, and leave her alone. She tells him he is so annoying. Its crushes me to hear her speak to him like this because he isn't the problem, she is.
When she was at my house, I couldn't trust her with him long enough to use the bathroom. One time I left her with him to shower, I come out and she is sleeping on the couch and he has a nickel in his mouth. When I bring it to her attention I get told ' I know infant CPR, you don't!!' So the next time I needed to go in there I put him in his playpen and she had an attitude about that as well. I had to be in traffic court at 1pm and had to leave him in his playpen watching a movie because she refused to get out of bed. I think he knows who actually loves him, for example Id try to leave him with her and pick up food for us and he would burst out in tears if I went for the door.

Like I said he is almost two now. What is the hardest part is he wants nothing to do with her. She comes to get him and he just cries and won't let me go. She hatefully grabs him and puts him in the car.
When I pick him up he is all smiles and says daddy,daddy... he doesn't even look to see where she goes. He gives me no problems what so ever. We have so much fun when it just me and him.

The worse part is she lives with her mom that has adopted a special needs kid. I've heard stories over the years about his uncontrollable behavior and that he once attacked her 8 month old nephew. This is were my little boy has to grow up now and it sickens me. I can only imagine what is going on while she is falling asleep or just spacing out.

I love my son and Id give him anything... even the basic attention and affection he needs that she refuses to give.

This situation has my entire family upset and I feel helpless. I have a type of stress induced disorder and going thru deprèssion I never imagined possible. I often find myself thinking of doing things I never thought I was capable of. All I try to do is tell myself to hold on. At some point he can voice his opinon to the court and I absolutely have no doubt he is going to live with me. I just hope I can keep my sanity that long...

end rant.

I'm not a doctor but it sounds like postpartum depression.

Hang in there I just had my second and I feel like I'm going through it - and I'm a guy!

I say to you my friend, document everything and sue for full custody in court, keep a tape recorder or video (easy with the new phones on the market today) and keep a record but above all else, protect that child, Good Luck.

Not trying to excuse her behaviour, but has the issue of post natal depression been addressed ? Because it sounds to me as though she (the mother ) is desperately unhappy.

Nice to see you want to spend time with your kid.

Wow, she sounds like a wonderful person... from Hell. Probably eats like crap so her brain and personality reflect it, she also must have had a bad childhood and doesn't care about herself or anyone else at this point in her life. I see people like her more times than I ever wanted to, and I have no kids partly because most women I've met are insane... and American products and culture are so bad, I could never bring a child into this kind of world now.

The courts are such a joke I don't know why we still bother with them. If you try to prove she is abusive or harming the kid, then the state will come in and take the kid away for who knows how long.... and there could be a battle of where the child ends up after state custody, probably going back to the mother.... and then she will make YOU look like the aggressor and limit your exposure to your child. Definitely a crappy situation you're in, and in hind sight, blah blah blah. I hope someone can give you good advice on what to do, you're not alone I hear these stories very often, there has to be solutions people in your situation have discovered.

Good luck!

I dont know much about parenting so I dont have any advice, but from your post it sounds like you are are a really good farther and if his mums parenting isn't up to scratch... well at least he has got you!

One good parent is better than no good parents.

The doctors report that was given to the court said she showed no sign of depression but there was an obvoius attempt to present herself in a better light. Something along those lines.

Basically she passed the test but it was clear she was lying. Any further testing would be done at my expense.
I'm not saying my child isn't worth it but this got overwhelmingly expensive very fast.

reply to post by jstanthrno1


Child Protective Services would have to do a full investigation if called.

If you are really afraid for the welfare of your kid you can have someone call on your behalf, and they are bound to investigate every call, no matter what the situation.

Someone called them on my friend for smoking in the car even though their kid wasn't in the car. They gave just a plate number and two days later they came to the house. It took 6 surprise visits and a bunch of other hoop jumping to find the claims unfounded.

Normaly I wouldn't comment on a personal matter, however.

Years ago my brother had a freakish wife who ended up a pill popper, AFTER he tried to help her, he slit with her, she got custody.

He knew his son was in a bad way with her...would have cost at the time $5k in court to sort his ex out and get his son. Ask him now after more than 15 years no contact with his son, not the money that counts and "If only's"

The time inbetween now and then will shape your childs life, my advise do whats in the best interest of said child, be that helping mom get better or going for custody, you know whats called for I gather.

All the best to you, really.

reply to post by AnteBellum


Been thru the DCFS investigation already.... what a joke. They said the disabled boy wasn't strong enough to shake a baby.... he is 13 years old. I've seen him get off the school bus with a backpack on.... among other things.

The entire case was unfounded

i am in a similar situation apart from i actually have my son more than the mother does its just that she gets all the tax credits and child benefit while i am getting 60 pound a week for everything as i suffer from cfs and am on benefits and i have to feed myself and my son with that.

the annoying thing is that she gets more for him from the government than i get full stop and i wouldnt win in a court case as i did a couple of months of prison time when i was 16 for getting in a fight.

she just spends the money on coc aine and alcohol every weekend or fake nails and hair extensions and even had the cheeek to say that i should give her money for his upkeep

I hope in the future that you will get more custody for your child. I will pray for your situation.

get one of those hidden nanny cams and it shouldnt take you that long to get some incriminating evidence on her if she's that bad

Time to get dirty. Whatever it takes to prove she's unfit mother, presuming that's what she is and you really fear for your son. A good PI would be a start. Start building a case against her, take her to court for full custody.

First I am very sorry and I can almost feel your desperation. I am a mother of four children and nothing angers me more than a parent behaving towards their child like your beautiful little son's mother is. I say time to get smart, a nanny cam, recording device while your on the phone, gather all the incriminating evidence you can. Anything you can do to get your son back to you. I know it must kill you inside when you know what he is being subjected to, but stay strong for his sake. Fight for him with all your might, ask for help from anyone whom you think may be of assistance; family, friends, local authorities. Good luck to you and your little angel.

I'm not a doctor either, but it almost sounds to me like something is mentally wrong with the mother. Maybe postpartum depression like others have suggested, or maybe something else.

I'm very sorry....the type of stress you are dealing with is among the worse stresses a person in the modern world can be subjected to. The breakup of the family, the petty dance of custody, dealing with insane ex'es...as a long-time lodestone for b@tsh*t insane women, you have my deepest sympathies.

Can you get an independent evaluation of the woman's sanity ordered by a court or something?

I knew my ex would find another nice guy to rip apart Here is how to get rid of her, listen careful, two, thats two in the chest, and only one in the head! All jokes aside, you need to make sure to record everything, take detailed notes with time/date stamps, any pictures you can take, look into getting a hidden camera, (seriously!!) The most difficult part is the time it takes to get the evidence built up enough for a case against her, in my state it takes an act of God, and a lot of luck for a father to get his child, I had to go the hard route, and want to give the best advice possible. Next if you can afford it, try to get a good family justice lawyer on retainer. If the day comes for court, and you show up to the hearing with an attorney, and she doesn't have one, things might go a little quicker, and in your favor, depending how clever she is. Make an appointment to see someone in child protective services as well for advice in court. Good luck, may the force be with you, and fear not her evil ways for you shall become victorious and have your child.

Be very careful about installing a camera or recording device into somebody else's home. If she or someone else discovers the device you could make matters much, much worse and possibly lose what remaining access to your child that you have. Even if she commits a major felony on tape, that evidence could be considered inadmissable because you committed a crime to get it, so to speak. It may get child services involved and you both end up losing custody.

Given the dramatic change in personality, it does sound as though she has post-natal depression. Have you tried getting support from her family to get that problem addressed, in a supportive way? An earlier poster suggested that helping the mother may be the better solution, and most definately in the long term. Perhaps, if she wasn't so threatened by the implication that if she admits to having a problem she may lose her child, or be deemed a bad mother, she may be amenable to getting the help she clearly needs. Try not to back her even further into a corner, for your child's sake if not her's. Sometimes, in these situations, we have to bite our tongues and remember that we are the adults and should behave as such. And, believe me, I know only too well how difficult that can be, even the grand-parents of my child are in denial of their child's problem and therefore oblivious to my concerns. But none of it is easy, you know that. Just be careful and mindful of who comes first and has no choice in all this.

reply to post by daikaiju


You don't want to go recording, tables will turn and she'll be the one sueing. Taping/recording some one with out their knowledge is actually illigal.


As for the OP, hang in there sir, i hope everything works out. Maybe when it's time for him to go to school, you might get custody.

reply to post by jstanthrno1

This situation has my entire family upset and I feel helpless

You feel that way, because you are. The law has a LONG way to go reform wise to be able to address a lot of serious issues in family law (like how a state agency can take your kid away without even pressing any charges, etc.). I've seen some really crappy things happen to others, and it's why I simply can't even fathom having a child in my state. (and many other states are similar).

All you can do is make the most of the time you do have with him, and the second he's 18, try and rebuild that relationship, reinforce your values, etc.

Is this her first child? That is some strange behavior for a first kid. I think I'd echo another poster's concerns about post-partum....