then at least be a horrible warning.
(THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO POST)
Well, I will pretend I am doing a great public service here by admiting I fell off the horse today.
I woke up to day 5 actually feeling like I finally knew it was over and I wouldn't smoke again. Maybe I was over confident.
I must admit that I didn't need to smoke. The pills are working great and this was relatively painless compared to any attempt in the past. My
problem (that I have alluded to previously & kick me off here to the relationship thread if you must - :bash
is that my DH started avoiding me like
the plague & I couldn't handle it. He never said a word about the fact that I wasn't smoking, he just started avoiding me to the point it was
ridiculous. He wanted to smoke but he didn't want to smoke around me (though I never asked him not to) so he was living in the garage. Okay, it is
funny, have a good laugh - we live in FL, it is like an oven out there this time of year, what the hey? He's got the cable hooked up, cause it's his
woodshop, but honestly, I was starting to worry about a couch showing up at this point.
Anyway, I finally made him talk to me this evening. I told him here's the deal. Either he does it too or I move on (with the quitting) without him,
and then don't worry about me cause I don't want things to be this weird. (Don't hide from me). He tells me he want's to do it too and will call
his Dr. to make an appointment for the Wellbutrin tomorrow. If he does, (tomorrow) I will wait for him and start over with him. If he doesn't I am
jumping right back on the horse. So, this fall may be good in the end for the "us" OR it will just be another setback for "me".
I will share the following observations I have learned this time around:
My house stinks, my car stinks, my office stinks, I must stink. This is disgusting! I don't know how anyone visits us (must be the FL location, the
pool & the 10 minutes off the shore, I don't think it's worth it, though it may explain why some of my sisters have bought their own homes down here
- LOL). It is far beyond what I could have imagined. Actually, I don't care if my office stinks, it's not that the smell bothers me, it's that I
don't want my house, my stuff/me to smell like that. It's shameful. Wahhhhhhhh.
It's all or nothing, one puff puts you back at square one - don't kid yourself.
If you are in a smoking relationship and one quits, things will change. Hey, if one wants to smoke & the other doesn't, when you both always have for
15 years, it can get complicated. Get in therapy first (only half kidding).
You're gonna gain a few pounds - get over it, you can deal with that later. (I'm good for 2 pounds a day).
So there's my pathetic excuse for smoking today, which only serves any purpose if having failed, I then try again and succeed I suppose (which is my
intent). I will try to be the one that shows you can mess up and still win in the end. After all, I am relentless, and this is the ONLY thing in my
life that ever had a hold of me... that I couldn't overcome. It beats me at the intellectual level, the physical level, the spiritual level. It's a
stinking (no pun intended) little piece of vegetation for heavens sake - UGH!!!!
P.S. I know a lot of people have sued the tobacco companies over this kind of stuff, but look - this is my fault - no excuses! At least I can admit