What is an appropriate age range for dating? ATS help me out here

My mother was 21 years 11 months and 1 day old when I was born. She was married with a house (on mortgage, not rented), two cars, Both she and my father had good jobs, and the support of both of their families. Granted, they divorced about two years later when she was pregnant for my brother but that was because of my dad's infidelity, not because of my mom's maturity or immaturity.

So, gals can be ok at 20-21, my mom proves it.

I'm 32.4 years old now (Male) so I understand where you are coming from. In our minds it SEEMS like a huge age gap and WE remember how stupid WE were at 20. But, that's just hindsight. I think it's also a byproduct of popular culture. You see young idiots (Male and Female) on TV all the time (i.e. Jersey Shore, Real World, etc..) Not exactly the pinnacle of human achievement, so the bias that someone that young couldn't possibly be mature enough for a lasting relationship with and older person is an easy apprehension to justify.

I think you should take all the advice on this thread with a grain of salt (This post included) and make the decision for yourself. After all, YOU know your gal better than WE ever could so YOU should know if she's "relationship material". Just the fact that you thought enough of her to ask our opinions shows that you've thought about a relationship with her, and I don't think you've ONCE come across as "just looking for a quickie" so I don't think that's it. (although you DID mention the word giggity somewhere...hmmmm...LMFAO!)

Wow, I haven't thought of dating 20 year olds before I stumbled across this thread so I'm gonna stop posting now and go change my "requirements" on match.com....LOL

Good luck bro, whatever you decide!

--Apex

IMHO the MOST important question here is whether you are both honest with each other.

Life experience, compatibility, desires all change over time. You're asking about dating, not marrying. The two do not go hand in hand or we'd have to marry every person we date.

The key is do you both have the ability to be honest with each other. Because then as you both change, which you will, you will truly know each other in order to decide if you want to continue seeing each other.

And yes, if at some point it turns into true love for both of you, over time, there's nothing wrong with the age difference.

TFN

reply to post by Apex Predator


Man, I'm in my late 30's, and while the idea of having a romp with a 20 year old has its appeal, I think actually dating one (as in a relationship) would make me run for the hills. She'd have to be one of those "old souls" who acted older than they are...to keep me from going insane.

Luckily, no need, as I've found my soulmate and married her.

My advice is to have some fun, but don't go into it expecting it to go long term, or you may be in for some disappointment. That's all. (and be prepared for society not agreeing with your choice...especially her parents, as others have mentioned here).

I remember being 22, and this one gal (who said she was 18), was really 16 (I found out, after making a date with her). Needless to say, I put the brakes on before anything happened (thankfully), and it's always served as a reminder to me. Also thankfully, she was honest with me (and I was then honest with her, and said (politely) that I'm not down with that).

Originally posted by codrutoctavian

Originally posted by TheBirdisDone
The brain does not stop developement until 24. That said, I read once that we do not value the intensity of young love that might succeed if it were more supported by culture. There must be merit to this as so many return to that first Love later in life if the opportunity comes along.

edit on 3-4-2011 by TheBirdisDone because: (no reason given)

That's very interesting. Do you have any source?

I am guessing you mean not the brain development which you can google - but the idea of supporting young Love. I cannot remember but it was a therapist on TV discussing young Love and that we are too prone to dismiss it when it can leave a profound impact on some. It might have been Dr. Drew. We poo-poo the concept of any young couple really attaining lasting soulfull Love. Yet it does happen. Culturally we move towards the idea that there must be more experience. Perhaps we should slow down, and trust some couples - even in youth, and not dismiss what they have found.

As I wrote in my earlier post I was recently found by my first Love. As we talked we realized had we not had a misunderstanding caused by another girl telling lies . . . we probably would have commited deeply and married young. Our families would have supported the union, my father was very fond of him. We came from families where this happened to others. We both realize our entire lives would have gone differently - so you almost wonder about the Karma. As it stands we both went off in the world and entered realtionships that never felt complete. You cannot imagine the miracle of rediscovery. The Universe has offered us another chance.

My cousin Loved young, and his parents supported his maturity and he found a happy union. It can happen. It depends on the individual, the family circumstances, maybe even a bit of genetic disposition - so many factors including the possiblity that having a soul mate is real. I recently spent time with a couple who still have butterflies over each other - they are in their 50s - and were highschool sweethearts.

I wanted that, it just did not turn out that way. After I lost my first Love, I dismissed the concept of soul mates. Was a bit cynical about true Love. blabla. I would see those dumb eHarmony ads and think those people were on crack. Now from personal experience I can tell you - that real Love is a true ideal, and it does exist. I am more open and gentle about the concept of the magnificence of Love then I ever expected to be in late middle age. The key of course is communication - with a jolt of chemistry thrown in from the Universe.

It's not so bad the age difference....except for the damn text messaging. Non stop constant text messaging.

What is that about?

reply to post by TheBirdisDone

Thank you! I like your ideas. Very interesting. And good luck with the relationship!

reply to post by BlackOps719


Personally, I like texts vs. long phone conversations, but if someone is going to keep constantly texting, it'd make more sense to pick up the damn phone and just TALK....

Young people today, for some reason, feel some weird urge to text ALL the time. I guess it makes them feel loved or something...

reply to post by Gazrok


I prefer communicating mostly by email or text also because I talk on a phone literally all day.


But geez, after like 30 text messages in an afternoon it gets to be like having a second job


I think I might be in way over my head here

reply to post by BlackOps719


would you prefer a daily love letter under your door filled with little red hearts,
on soft pink writing paper that is sprinkled with her perfume?

Or one of those cute handwritten cards with little kittens or carebears on it
and a catcy "I like you!!!" text on the front?

ah where are the days..... lol


texting is so unpersonal.... does everyone above 30 feels that way?

What I hate, is when people give preference to either a text, e-mail, or phone call, in lieu of someone standing RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THEM.... Personally, the person who is IN PERSON standing there gets my first, and most demanding attention.

Truth be told I detest cell phones in general, and after having one for a while i went for the last three years without one, but I just recently got a new Blackberry because it made more sense than having home service.

I hate giving people such easy access to me, it is like an invitation for someone to annoy the hell out of you that you cant get away from.

Honestly the only reason I even see a need to have one is for emergency reasons, like driving at night time. Other than that I could take it or leave it.

Sometimes while sitting in traffic I will look around and count the morons gabbing on their cell phones, it makes me wonder how more people dont get killed every day due to lack of attention.

I don't know about this. I do not think its a good idea. I am 30 and my girlfriend is 20. We have been together for three years and she lied about her age to me and by the time I found out all I could do was be pissed because i was in love with her so much.

Now I see a lot of people on here saying go for it your both legal etc. but at the end of the day thats not the point. Neither is the well girls mature faster ............... bullshi^e. I know just as many girls that are/were however you want to frame it just as immature or took longer to grow up than many of the dudes I know/knew. I grew up in a house raised by five women (mom, two grandmas, two sisters) void of any male for quite a minute so I don't want to hear that mature argument its bs that everyone heard somewhere as scientific fact and just spout it like its gospel. Now I know there is studies and at once this may have been true but the times are a changin' folks drop the 80's rhetoric.

I think what the main factor here is life experience. I have forgotten more things in my life than my girlfriend has experienced and while in my case its whatever, she can not come to terms with this. She flies off the handle any time I say you don't know or understand, or if you were just a little older you would get it. While this is just a minor piece of this she always wants to do this or that and stuff that I either did and did not like or have no interest to do. I do whatever because I love her to death her but at the end of the day what happens if we grow apart?

Maybe this will happen, maybe not but at the end of the day all I know was I was a totally different person 10 years ago. Enough so that I would beat the bejesus out of myself from then if I had a time machine.

People grow up and change at 20 this girl probably has no idea who she is and if she thinks she does she's probably wrong for the most part.

In the end my advice is if you just want some then have at it however since this isn't the case (as your OP stated) I would have to say, wait and look her up in ten years and see what she's like. If she's compatible then then I hope you two are happy then.

Best of luck my man

That is all

Trowa

It's all on what works for you! Some of those relationships can end up working out for years or even ever. BUT. Some of them are really hard because lets face it, alot of the time your both at different points in your life and want different things. Maybe your ready for kids and to settle down, and she doesnt want any and is still in the party phase. These are all issues that come up. So make sure before starting anything that your both on the same page with these things and there shouldnt be a problem! =]

And Good Luck!!!!

I just wanted to post as a follow up to let everyone who posted here know that I decided to try and be a responsible adult in the situation, and that being said I told her today that I didnt think it was a very good idea to be getting involved with someone so much younger.

It actually went well and we will still be friends, but only plutonic

All of this made me realize how old I have gotten and how different I am in life from this younger Y generation. I realized that we didnt enjoy the same things in life, and all of this was due to the age gap. And no matter how I tried to justify it mentally or physically, at the end of the day I felt like a creep and that just isn't my MO.

It doesnt bother me so much except for the fact that it is often difficult to find someone you share a connect with, and now I am back to square one again.

Maybe I will just grow old and die alone, or maybe I will fill my house up with ferell cats like the crazy old ladies on that show "Hoarding"...lol.

Im pretty sure I already had my one shot at real love and I blew it...was too young and stupid at the time to see what I had.

Hind sight is a real beeyotch I guess.

BlackOps I've seen you round here on other threads. I know you by that dog in the snow. You post intelligent, kind posts. Thougthful, introspective. I have faith it is all going to work out for you and I am not just weighing in here to be trite. I can sometimes get a "read on people" if I want to or not - and your energy does kinda come through. I am an old lady, 45 - War Veteran, been round the block . . . and my first Love came back to me.
Anything is possible son, if you could hear me you would know the kindness in my voice in addressing you so. Really. We know not what the Universe holds for us . . .
I have been through quite a bit - for what ever its worth I started to really look inside myself and timidly expect for "great things" not setting intention for "LOVE" so to speak but for positive things. It started with just new and interesting people entering my life. Then books found me. Then messages that seemed to come "just in time" you know strangers might even say just the slightest thing in passing that was a "whoa" kind of experience. And I waited and meditated and journaled. I started living for me. I started opening myself to miracles . . . and then they started happening. It is so odd. I just reviewed my journals from last year . . . I was so prophetic about my own life!!! When I wasn't looking, actually when I really "forgot" there even was a "looking" time in my life my old Love returned. Strange syncronicities all around him too! As if the Universe was lining it all up.

So open yourself to wonder, to grace, to learning. Expect great Love if that is what you desire and think actively about what it would look like in your life. Expect the best and accept nothing less - I just know your spirit will find it's other half . . . all the best to you!!! ~ Old Bird

reply to post by BlackOps719

age is only a number. I think if both of you want to be together, then go for it. don't let what society might think keep you from being with her if she's who you want to be with.

Maybe I will just grow old and die alone, or maybe I will fill my house up with ferell cats like the crazy old ladies on that show "Hoarding"...lol.

Or, you can find someone who does share your same interests, is of a compatible age, etc. that you enjoy being around....

Im pretty sure I already had my one shot at real love and I blew it...was too young and stupid at the time to see what I had.

Nonsense. There's no rule that you only get one shot at love per lifetime, unless you make it a rule yourself. It will probably even find you when you aren't even looking for it anyway.

I am a Chicano male, just turned 41, and here's my two cents:

I've always been well mannered and attentive towards people's needs, be they male or female, and I seem to attract some desirable, and sometimes undesirable, people who warm up to me very soon after I first meet them. By undesirable I mean married woman, older women, younger women, you name it, and homosexuals. The homosexuals present the most difficulties, as I have encountered at least one at every job I've held where numerous people are working close together, and once I discreetly inform them that I am 100% straight, they end up acting like spurned lovers and make as much trouble as they can to disrupt my social life. (Now, I must state that I am not that good looking, and have always been chubby, and I'm guessing it must be my humor, personality or vibe that causes this attraction.) As I was raised with good Christian values, but am not a devout Christian by any means, I have a big problem with married women or women over/under 10 years in age variance. I do try to avoid the situation, but I have succumbed a few times after persistent wooing on the female's part.

When I was 19, I attracted the attention of a single 45 year old Japanese hair salon owner. She owned 7 salons in various cities, had a ton of money (one serious bank account for each salon, which she showed statements for, wow), and she wasn't bad looking. I was a valet, and I'd heard of other valets being adopted by sugar mommas, and I thought, why not? This woman took me out to places I couldn't afford to go to, and gave me free haircuts and hair styling, and even massages by having her newest employees practice on me. And she didn't ask for much in return save for giving her some personal attention. Also, she knew people would think bad of her for hanging out with me, and she actually encouraged me to flirt with her hairstylists so people would not suspect we were messing around (I flirted with her female employees, yes, but did not 'cheat' on her). Also, other mature women noticed our relationship, and actually started asking me out as well. I was able to ignore most of these, except for one cute English woman with sassy blond hair, a beautiful Cockney accent, and D size breasts. She was a lonely 'trophy' wife in her thirties, and her husband was a Japanese businessman who frequently took long trips abroad.

I was in my early twenties, still working as a valet, and ended up in a small business building where one big boned, cute and redheaded secretary flirted with every single male she came in contact with. She was in her mid-thirties, married with two kids, and she flirted with the UPS guy, with the plumber, with people who came in for services, all men with a pulse, and all of these men flirted back. When she approached me, I basically told her I wasn't interested. I guess she thought I was playing hard to get, because she kept coming back with more brazen comments and actions, and I kept turning her down. This made her even determined, and one evening where I'd had a big fight with my girlfriend, this redhead showed me her breasts one too many times, and I took her up on her offer. Only later did she reveal that she never slept with any of the guys she flirted with, allegedly, and that my stubborn refusal, and my 'look' had caused her to fall in love with me.

This next one will probably draw out some criticism. I was 25, living in a bachelor pad that my buddies would hang out in, and sometimes they'd bring over women. One of my friends was 20, and he picked up two girls who said they were seniors that were walking home from high school. He had his date set, but the second guy never showed, and I ended up going out with the second girl. The girl looked like and dressed like Paula Abdul (when she was hot), and we got along well enough that we ended up messing around that same night. We started going out regularly. One evening she was digging around in her purse, and she dropped it and a bunch of stuff fell out. I happened to pick up her school ID, and was shocked that it was from a junior high, and worse, that the girl was only 14. I felt like turning myself in! Incredibly, she said her last boyfriend had been in his thirties! I did not break off the relationship right away, as she seemed to need a lot of emotional support, but I did keep my clothes on after that. We 'broke up' two weeks later, when she finally realized I was no longer going to sleep with her.

Last story. I was 32, and moved from San Diego to a very small town, where everybody knew each other. I kept to myself at first, but since I didn't know the area well and I worked the evening shift, I asked some of my co-workers to show me around town after work. The first two girls that took me out were very popular, and even though they were truly only showing me around, all of the other girls at the job (a big name casino) thought I was messing around with them, and suddenly I was the 'new flavor' of the month. By all of the girls, I mean damn near 75% of them! Talk about a small town where nothing happens! Married chicks from their late thirties to their mid-twenties, girls in college with or without boyfriends, girls that were 18 or 19, Asian, black, Hispanic and white! I told two 18 year olds that I was 32, and no way I was going to their apartment that night, and they countered that when they added their ages together, they had a total of 36 years, or 4 more than me! I mean, unbelievable! It was like a race to find out who could get me in the sack next! I mean, I felt like a rock star might after a big concert! And they all knew that I was married at the time, and were still pressing their breasts on my arms or their butts on hips! I succumbed a few times, most notably a 7 month affair with a supervisor who was 9 years my junior. I was making up acronyms just so I could keep all the names straight! One was B.L.A.C.K., where each letter represents the first letter of a woman's name from my closest circle, and even then I was trying to figure out how to add a U and a Y! Why couldn't I have such a problem when I wasn't married?

Casinos are notorious for promiscuity, and I won't bore you with another long story, but know that I worked at a second casino in the same general area, and this was actually even more blatant than the first one. Married managers in their early forties would call me into their offices so they could show me what color their bras and panties were, an insistent 19 year old dared me to touch her, or she'd tell everyone I was gay, while we were sitting in a crowded employee break room (a lot of these workers left embarrassed when she started moaning).

Okay, enough already. I am a Gemini, and although I feel an enormous amount of guilt for the age variances, and/or my/their marital status, there is another part of me that is saying, hey, life is an experience, and only my involvement with the 14 year old can be considered against the law. My conclusion to the OP is that everybody has to make their own decision, relevant to who they are and how they see themselves at that moment. I could say I don't condone more than 10 years difference, because I truly don't, but I've broken my own rule too many times to judge others. I have daughters aged 21 and 18, and I really don't know how I'd react if I found out some guy in his later thirties or above was pursuing them.
The best thing I can say in my defense is that in ALL of the instances above where I actually crossed that line, I did so out of an emotional need initially (I cared for them), and not out of a physical lust. Some see a distinction here, while others do not.

P.S. I've been single for the last 7 months, not due to adultery, but to a growing apart with my spouse. I placed a personal ad on Craigslist a few days ago, and I tried to make mine different than other ads, by being honest and witty. Can you guess the ages of the women that replied, even though I clearly stated that I was 41, overweight by 60 pounds, nearly broke, and was looking for someone around my age bracket? 18, 23, 25, 26. Really? I guess I should be happy that no gay men replied, but I don't know if I want to answer any of these!

My hubby is 21 years younger then me. I met him when he was 21. We just celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary.

Its maturity and common goals you need to look for. Not chronological age.

And me - - who divorced my first husband right in the middle of the sexual revolution is going to give you odd advice. Do not have sex. Seriously! At least not until you are exclusively together for 6 months to a year.

It interferes with getting to really know someone.