My First Short Story

This is my first short and was written out of boredom...Feel free to bash on it...

There once was a man that went by the name of Dennis. He had a great life, filled with excitement, and beauty. He had a job as a businessman, and supported his loving wife. His wife’s name was Alice, and was the love of Dennis’s life. They were happy together and did tons of activities with each other. They would paint, and take walks In the park.

They did this a lot and would always have fun together. One night they got ready to go to bed. Dennis and Alice got into bed and smiled at each other. They both said “Good Night” and fell asleep. They were both asleep and were lost in their dreams. The dreams were very similar and both happened in absolute unison. They were in a meadow, picking beautiful yellow flowers in front of the blinding sun.

Dennis and Alice were having a great time together in the meadow filled with bright green grass. Until Dennis realized that the dream seemed too real to actually be a dream. He pinched himself and felt the shocking sting of his fingers clenching together on his pale white skin. He asked Alice if she could feel pain, and she replied with a simple “Yes”.

Dennis and Alice were unaware of what was coming for them. Three hundred million miles away were beings from one of the stars in the Orion constellation. The beings were traveling in a very fast ship that could travel at unbelievable speeds. They were on a mission to kidnap two certain humans.

The beings were careful, and cunning at their attempt to kidnap the humans. The beings had flown alone, from light years away from Earth. The beings were entering the space of Earth and momentarily they would be entering the atmosphere. Dennis and Alice were trying to figure out why they felt pain, trying everything to wake up from this dream.

Dennis and Alice were lying down next to a fully grown tree, right in the middle of the meadow. Alice told to Dennis “Are we dreaming?’ Dennis replied “Yes we are … but for some reason we feel pain. I have never felt pain in a dream before,” As the two were trying to figure out the reason for feeling pain, the alien ship was landing in their backyard.


While they were sleeping and a blinding light came through the blinds of the window. Them not seeing the light, they drifted off into a deep sleep. While they were in the meadow, beings from other worlds were attempting to kidnap them for experiments and tests. The beings had selected them for the testing. Dennis and Alice were pure beings, with no fights or impurities.

The aliens climbed up the steps making no noises whatsoever. The beings opened the door using the key that was left under the mat that said “Welcome” They entered the house and searched the bottom floor for the humans. They searched up to 15 minutes uncovering nothing. So they moved up to the second floor of the house, knowing they would find something leading to Dennis and Alice.

They searched the second floor for signs of the humans. Then the beings found the door that lead to the room in which Dennis and Alice slept. They injected them with a substance that knocked them out still continuing the dream. The humans did not feel a thing but lost the sensation of pain in the dream. Then they both carried the humans out of them room with no signs of abduction.

They dragged the bodies out of the hallway and down the angled steps. The beings went through the living room to get to the door leading outside. They carried them out the door and led them to the space ship. The spaceship went back to their home planet, and on the way back the humans were prepped for tests. Dennis and Alice were never seen again…

Not to be continued! Again feel free to bash on it

reply to post by xShadow13


There once was a man that went by the named Dennis. He had a great life, filled with excitement, and beauty. He had a job was a businessman who , and supported his loving wife. His wife’s her name was Alice, and was the love of Dennis’s life. They were happy together and did tons of activities with each other. They would paint, and take walks In the park.

They did this a lot and would always have fun together. One night they got ready to go to bed, they laid down together and exchanged a smile. Dennis and Alice got into bed and smiled at each other. They both said “Good Night” and fell asleep. They were both Asleep and lost in their dreams, their fantasy worlds collided. The dreams were very similar and both happened in absolute unison. They were together in a meadow, picking beautiful yellow flowers in front of the blinding sun.

Dennis and Alice were having a great time together in the meadow, the dark jade tines of grass tickled their soles.filled with bright green grass. Until Dennis suddenlyrealized that the dream seemed too real to be make belief. He had never been so aware of his dream-state. actually be a dream. He pinched himself and felt the shocking sting of his fingers clenching together on his pale white skin. He asked Alice if she could feel pain, and she replied with a simple “Yes”.

Dennis and Alice were defenseless against what was coming. were unaware of what was coming for them. Three hundred million miles away were beings from one of the stars in the Orion constellation. The beings were traveling in a very fast ship that could travel at unbelievable speeds. They were on a mission to kidnap two certain humans.

below P= could use a rewrite
The beings were careful, and cunning at their attempt to kidnap the humans. The beings had flown alone, from light years away from Earth. The beings were entering the space of Earth and momentarily they would be entering the atmosphere. Dennis and Alice were trying to figure out why they felt pain, trying everything to wake up from this dream.

Dennis and Alice were lying down next to a fully grown tree, right in the middle of the meadow. Alice told to Dennis “Are we dreaming?’ Dennis replied “Yes we are … but for some reason we feel pain. I have never felt pain in a dream before,” As the two were trying to figure out the reason for feeling pain, the alien ship was landing in their backyard.


While they were sleeping and a blinding light came through the blinds of the window. ????*Them not seeing the light, they drifted off into a deep sleep. While they were in the meadow, beings from other worlds were attempting to kidnap them for experiments and tests. The beings had selected them for the testing. Dennis and Alice were pure beings, with no fights or impurities.

The aliens climbed up the steps making no noises whatsoever. The beings opened the door using the key that was left under the mat that said “Welcome” They entered the house and searched the bottom floor for the humans. They searched up to 15 minutes uncovering nothing. So they moved up to the second floor of the house, knowing they would find something leading to Dennis and Alice.

They searched the second floor for signs of the humans. Then the beings found the door that lead to the room in which Dennis and Alice slept .The bedroom door of Dennis and Alice creaked open and shadows entered the room. They injected them with a substance that knocked them out still continuing the dream. The humans did not feel a thing but lost the sensation of pain in the dream. Then they both carried the humans out of them room with no signs of abduction.

They dragged the bodies out of the hallway and down the angled steps. The beings went through the living room to get to the door leading outside. They carried them out the door and led them to the space ship. The spaceship went back to their home planet, and on the way back the humans were prepped for tests. Dennis and Alice were never seen again…

reply to post by xShadow13


Sorry I could have edited more but the tags were frustrating me. Overall it was very good but you have to watch how redundant you get with "beings" "dennis" "alice" etc. Also too much talk of being in the dream and directly calling it a dream.

Furthermore there are a few instance were you are just moving the characters around like stick figures.

ex.

The aliens climbed up the steps making no noises whatsoever. The beings opened the door using the key that was left under the mat that said “Welcome” They entered the house and searched the bottom floor for the humans. They searched up to 15 minutes uncovering nothing. So they moved up to the second floor of the house, knowing they would find something leading to Dennis and Alice.

rewrite to something like:

The quaint house settled in the darkness around it: a ghost of a shadow appearing out of the fog. The steps creaked as four thin figures pranced up its walkway. A welcome mat -not a welcome mat but a welcome of death- underneath the dangling limbs of the intruders. Doors flung open and pitter-patter of light steps echoed through the house. Dennis and Alice laid unconscious in their slumber. Shadows climbed the staircase; the dark beings found their room. A click of the doorknob was the only thing separating the couple from being taken.


etc, etc, etc.

It is the showing not telling principle.

Your writing is very good btw, you are able to tell a story, which is the hardest part of writing. Making it look fancy comes later on and everyone finds their own voice for writing. So I applaud you for posting it here and wish you the best of luck in the future.