Interpretation challenge

Hello there fellow ATSers. I offer you a challenge. I proclaim that through use of the word "Interpretation" that I can bend the meaning of ANY passage in ANY religious book from ANY religion that you put forth and alter it and change it so that the meaning bends to my will and have it mean what I choose it to mean.

Some of you might be skeptical of the vast amounts of power that exists within me. Allow me to provide a demonstration to prove how immensely powerful that I am.
DO NOT BE AFRAID! I will not hurt you I am simply offering you common folk a small taste of my true powers.

I have here with me three books chosen at random from my large collection of religious texts.

1) The teachings of the Compassionate Buddha
2) L. Ron Hubbard - Dianetics
3) Tao Ching - The Sacred Arts

I will now pick a passage from one of these three books at random and alter it through use of my immense brain power to mean what I so choose it to mean. BEHOLD and watch in awe and wonder as I display my godlike powers for you mere mortals to attempt to wrap your small puny brains around and comprehend my greatness.

( I grabbed all three books and closed my eyes and threw them pretty high into the air. I then kept my eyes closed and spun around three times in my computer chair and threw my hand down.)

The book that has been chosen is "The teachings of the Compassionate Buddha."

I will simply flip to a random page and a random verse, type out what that verse says and then through use of my Immense powers alter the very fabric of reality and change the words to create a new unification of mind and spirit! Before I begin I ask you to stand back and PLEASE DO NOT try to perform these powers at home. They are not suitable for a mere normal person such as yourself and may cause you to start doubting everything that you have known for your entire lifetime. NO I am not breaking any rules of physics. NO I am not a time traveler. NO I am not available for children's birthday parties. Ok here goes.

"As rain breaks through an ill-thatched house, passion will break through an unreflected mind."

What the great compassionate Buddha is saying here is that "Rain" represents the economy and the ill-thatched house represents the television show "The Jersey Shore". The Buddha saw what was to come and is trying to offer us a warning. The "Passion" that is being referred to is Desire for people to take more of an interest in watching which STD's that Snookie has acquired this week instead of watching new changes to the credit card industry.

If anyone would like to see further presentations of my amazing all powerful awesomeness one need only ask. pick a book, pick a passage pick a religion and I will share a small part of the immensity that is me with you, my adoring fans who could only dream of having a power that matches my own.

You are welcome for my time. -idonotcollectstamps

(MODS if you find jealousy in the gift of mind power bestowed upon me and would seek to beseech my topic to a different forum than I will allow it in my infinite grace and wisdom because I am awesome like that!)

reply to post by idonotcollectstamps


I'll bite.

John 11.35: "Jesus wept."

reply to post by idonotcollectstamps


Im in...

24 Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. 25 He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. 26 If any one serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there shall my servant be also; if any one serves me, the Father will honor him.

reply to post by Praetorius


Ok I am opening up my mind to allow the infinite amazement that is me to take hold. Yes...it is coming to me...it is coming. Ok.

What the passage "Jesus Wept" is referring to is Jesus is meant to symbolize Paint and colored inks/dyes. By "weeping" it is letting us know that while in a more liquid form paint WILL run in a downward direction and thusly preparations need to be made in the event that too much pigment/dye/paint is applied.

Originally posted by Akragon
reply to post by idonotcollectstamps

 

Im in...

24 Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. 25 He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. 26 If any one serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there shall my servant be also; if any one serves me, the Father will honor him.

I need to know what Religion/Religious Book this is from before I can use my powers. It is just one of the catches that limits me and prevents me from using my power to to take over the world or letting the power take me over.

reply to post by idonotcollectstamps


Ahh i see...LMAO!

Straight from the bible my friend

reply to post by Akragon


Ok it is written differently in my copy but that is of small matter. Here we go.....

24 Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. 25 He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. 26 If any one serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there shall my servant be also; if any one serves me, the Father will honor him.

What is meant for you to learn is that seeds need to be planted for crops to grow. Yes you could save those seeds and have a bowl of cereal, but if you plant them then there will be more cereal as well as food for Cows to eat so then you can have Milk to go with your cereal. The next part is talking about digging metal out of the ground might cause you to be injured, but if you dig metal out of the ground then you can fabricate a bowl and a spoon to eat your milk and cereal with. The last part means that if you buy cereal without a coupon then you are probably paying full price even if they advertise it as being on sale. Always use buy one get one or double coupons if you can.

your an idiot!

2nd

reply to post by idonotcollectstamps


LMAO!!

brilliant....

Originally posted by grindhouzer
your an idiot!

2nd

Again good sir I need to know from what book this passage is taken from in order to use my powers.

Originally posted by grindhouzer
your an idiot!

2nd

pretty funny one though

The Bible- Leviticus 18:23

Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion

reply to post by Versa


I give interpretation to mankind, yet I keep none for myself. Ok your wish is my command..........here...we...go....

"Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion"

The Beast that is being referred to is "Milwaukee's Best" fermented alcoholic beverage. I believe that it is what you mortals would refer to as "beer". So when the passage states "Lie with" it means you can get so hammered that you fall down or pass out if you drink too much of it you will NOT be "stand before" you will be kneeling INTO the toilet bowl. The confusion means you will be so hammered that you will start to consider that swill "Good Drank Yo".

reply to post by idonotcollectstamps



I'm confused now, am I allowed to lie with beasts but not drink the beer or am I allowed to drink the beer but not lie with beasts? Or do I have to drink the beer in order to lie with beasts?

Okay ... this should be interesting:

Proverbs 11:24

There is that scattereth, and yet increaseth; and there is that withholdeth more than is meet, but it tendeth to poverty.


I have this feeling that Ben Bernake will show up in this interpertation

Okay, did those awesome powers fizzle out when the tap ran dry?