And somewhere in the middle is ................

I just do not understand anything anymore.

My whole life all I wanted was to know everything and anything. Always wondering, always questioning, always wanting more knowledge. Many in my life have told me that its one of my greatest assets and just as many have told me it is my achilles heel. I learned or began to believe at an early age that knowledge was power but even more so that it was only to be worthwhile if learned through experience. It paid off and led to a very productive childhood I played every thing, had an insatiable thirst for knowledge and many a times it put me in some odd situations.

As I grew into my teens though my thirst became a burden and even in some ways an addiction. I began to act foolishly began to lax in many things that I loved and held dear. I quit studying, reading playing music, almost all of the sports I participated in and became in most cases just a bastard thinking I was smarter than everyone. When confronted by family and friends I would usually play concerned or humor them until even this became "below me" to do, which led me to began berating, humiliating and simply being horrible to all who cared about me just because I thought I was the smartest person in the room. What made matters even worse is that I had an unusual streak of good fortune that got me out of so many scenarios I began to attribute it to my superior intellect rather than to just being a pompous a@@ who was very, very lucky. At the end of the day looking back I became my one and only enemy but since I realized that even after to long it just fed my ego.

Flash forward a few years later. I bailed on college because I thought I was going to be a rock star, this never even came close to happening. I sat around falling into good things and never made a move to better myself because I always just seemed to get along more than fine. Well suffice to say and to sum this up 12 years since the college debacle and I have just in the past three or so years really began to put my life together. I spent a few years of the first decade of the 21st in Jail, a few others homeless and most of those combined addicted to heroin. Once again all because I thought I was smarter than something in this case a drug . Even more so one that I watched ruin countless lives and destroy many a family and friend. Some which are still being ravished by it till this day. Even no though when somebody asks "Why did you do it? You knew better." my true and only answer is I wanted to know what it was like. That's it plain and simple.

Now days are ...................... well days. I feel dissatisfied to no end. I have an okay job for now, a car, apt. am attending school and I like to think I've made considerable strides from the person I was just years ago. Still though I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not here. I feel like a spirit or ghost or just like I'm an alien walking around in skin. I have a great family who has done more for me than anyone ever deserves especially considering the hardships I have mad e them endure. Yet I just can't talk to them or anyone for that matter. My mom even said to me the other day " I Love you but you're just weird and have no social skills at all. I just do not get it." I have only one friend and I truly believe he just hangs out to humor me and since we live only a floor apart in the same apt. building and our interests are comparable. My GF I think has one foot out the door and anymore thinks I'm just a nut because I let some of the things on here "worryme" I think its for the best if she leaves in all honesty.

I mean half the time I dreamt or wished of being a blue blooded aristocrat or trust fund baby. Who would've attended a private school in Switzerland only to go home for a week in the summer before jetting of tho the Hamptons, or where ever my heart desired just as long as I didn't get arrested blowing rails and even more so as long as I didn't impede on my parents lives. All I would've had to do was graduate attend Uni grad. again and take a CEO job from someone 10 times more qualified at Daddy's fortune 500 Co.

The other half I wished I would've just been a redneck. Working at the local scrap yard and doing odd jobs around the trailer park. Having nowt to fret about as long as the food stamps get put on the EBT card and the truck is at least half full of beer and the car of gas. Being able to watch the tele and say things like "Shame about that Labia country, aint it uncle Bo?" only to hear in reply " Sure is Junior. That's why I taint never been past exit 13 on the freeway." (note we live 8 miles from there in this scenario).

I guess What I'm getting at is not just does anyone feel like this, but, I mean whats the score here? I just feel like I was meant for so much more and meant to do such great things yet I've done F all in my 30 years on this planet. I don't know if I truly am to smart for my own good, really stupid, or just afraid of ....... well everything I suppose so I cosign my own bs to keep myself stuck and just hating.

I just don't know which way is up anymore and am staring to think that I never did. All I know is I'm scared, angry and I have not the first clue what to do or why I feel like this. I'm sorry I dumped this on any who read it but even in the half an hour its taken me to write this (I type very slow lol) I do fell better for addressing it.

I just Where ............ did I go wrong? and why do I have to be on the fence. I guess for me the grass is always greener ............... on both sides.

That is all

Trowa

It takes strength and courage to admit those details, so that's one upside to this.

I would like to tell you something encouraging and helpful. However, I cannot, because I can relate too closely with much of what you have described. I, unlike you, do not have the courage to admit any details. I will just say that I forgot what 'happy' was, a long time ago.

Good luck to you though. Opening up and admitting is a good first step towards change.

Hey man,

Firstly good effort on the explaination,

I'm 27 and I also have felt this way for a while now...

Same sort of things happend, got extremely lucky with money, earning more than my father did in a year...ended up wasting it all now I have NO job!!

I too feel I was ment for great things, also tryd to become a rock star!! spent alot of time off work pursueing this dream.

Now with all the "end times" approaching i started to feel like, is there any point doing ANYTHING?>?

But honestly man, the first thing you need to do is START TALKING TO PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY YOUR FAMILY!

They are the ones who care for you and will see that you need help and set you in the right direction!

My older sister helped me get out of my 'Funk' by looking into work situations were I would be Around more people my own age, eg Bartending! Great oppourtunity to meet young people and try make More friends!!
Also part time study whilst doing part time work.

This only happend early this year but it has given me motivation to want to get out there and do more.

Hope this helps in some way! If im off track then Tell me to Bugger off!!

Cheers!

Cirlces & Houser thank you both for the comments. I'm trying to communicate more with my family and trying to make friends but Its been semi rough. I just do not have alot in common with very many so its very arduous mostly all the time.

I feel though that this is the key as in the end I just really need something to believe in and have to stop thinking myself into nothingness. A good friend I met in NA (which I no longer attend due to their shut up, listen and don't ask questions policy) once told me "Stand up for something or you'll fall for anything." Yet my problem is I have a hard time just letting go of my anger its like I expected so much to happen and nowt did now I feel like I got duped by everyone in the world when truth be told the only one prankster and victim was me. I still just can't get up and go and I fell like the rut I have made spinning my wheels in the dirt is now an inescapable mud pit.

I do feel a little better today though so I'll see where that takes me.

That is all

Trowa