A question for all females on ATS. Bear with me...About marraige.

reply to post by havok


A ring, to me is a symbol of your love for eachother. I would say that if she cares about how much the ring costs then shes shallow and not worth your time. Its mean I know, but I would never even ask for a ring let a lone demand an exspensive one. When the time is right for you and you have found that someone, you will want to buy the ring and she wont care about price or anything, just her love for you. There are those of us out there who do not care about material things. Who can find pleasure in the simple things that you get for free. Like a warm summer night laying out under the stars with someone you love. Or see an Owl. Watch an eagle soaring through the sky ect. I for one enjoy things like these more than anything you could ever buy in the world. That perfect person for you is out there somewhere, you just have to find them. But im a hopeless romantic

reply to post by DrumsRfun


Oh that makes me sad!!! I truly hope you stumble upon your perfect love one day!!

Not every woman in the USA is materialistic, although it seems most are. I have been married for 30 years and my husband and I don't wear rings. We both have simple gold bands that we used for the ceremony because his mother insisted we have them, but he can't wear his to work due to his type of work, and I can't wear mine because my fingers swell during the day. We know we love each other and are committed to each other and that is what's important.
Maybe your ex is just insecure and maybe a ring might have meant security to her---I really can't say not knowing her---just a possibility for your consideration. Hope you find the one for you, and believe me, you will know it when it happens and it might just change your way of thinking about rings, or she will believe as you do and the ring problem won't be an issue.
Good Luck to you

OP, here's a twist on the average scenario that I'd like to share with you.

My ex insisted on buying me a huge engagement ring that was way over his budget. I told him, "No, no...that kind of thing really, truly doesn't matter to me. Let's get simple, matching wedding bands instead." But one day, he showed up with the big, gaudy bauble anyway, and he was so exhuberant that I didn't want to burst his bubble by insisting that he return it.

Fast forward three months... We're now married and Mr. Right loses his job because he can't control his temper with the boss or with the other employees. I end up paying all our bills for a long time and in the end, I'm paying for the stupid ring that I didn't want in the first place! Arrggh!

I learned my lesson on that one. If either party places too much emphasis on the material side of things, it's a red flag.

The reason I wanted to get married was more for the legal reasons.. like if he was in a horrific accident, I didn't want to be known as his "girlfriend".. I didn't want to have to jump through hoops to have to have the rights that a spouse would have.. know what I mean? I'm not very good at explaining myself, but thats the gist of it anyway..
And my ring and wedding band are worth a whopping $150.. i LOOOVE them.

I have a friend that won't marry a guy unless she gets a 2Carat ring .... she's been married 4 times. Working well for her I'd say!

reply to post by ucantcme


Thats very sweet of you but if you knew me you would not feel bad or sad.
I can have sex anytime I want and my life is like being at disney land.
Not a bad gig at all...my married buddies envy me in alot of ways.

reply to post by Weeeden


How romantic

reply to post by DrumsRfun


Having somebody to love isnt just about sex!!! Sure we all love sex but when theres real passion behind it, it becomes mind blowing sex!! A true connection of body and mind. You cant have that with just anybody!

Originally posted by DrumsRfun
reply to post by ucantcme

 

Thats very sweet of you but if you knew me you would not feel bad or sad.
I can have sex anytime I want and my life is like being at disney land.
Not a bad gig at all...my married buddies envy me in alot of ways.

I envy you

Being a female, I view a beautiful extravagant ring as my mans RESPECT for me. When I am out in public, I am proud for the large diamond ring, I feel it symbolizes my husbands love and respect to get e the BEST . It has absolutely nothing to do with monetary value.
I tend to glance at other wives rings, especially in places like grocery shopping, in lines etc. I take pride that mine is beautiful. I am very very committed and devoted to my husband, so its really a pride thing.

Hope that helps

reply to post by havok


I did bother to read all you thread; because the short and simple is she wanted a commitment. To answer your ring question NO> not all women need material proof. I will suggest you consider this, if material proof was what was asked for , the insecurity is hers. That said, It doesn't mean it's not your fault. It probably isn't but if you did nothing to recognize or try to minialize her insecurity, it would have compounded and her need for material proof would by itself set your relationship on a downward slide.
Now this is just a womans point of view. But as a woman who has only been married 1 time for 11 years and remain single for 17 years, i feel i can say this with surity as i learned from a similiar experience that insecurity is deep, deep, deep and it a person is insecure, there not ready for a mature adult loving caring thriving relationship.
Let me put it like this, my X, had a women who was willing to work and in fact made more then him, had a brand new home, two brand new cars in the drive, two beautiful children and a dog. The all american dream, right? He was so insecure, he constintly accused me of affairs, like I got my money from whoring or something, I work everyday but sunday and was a manager so i made good money. after 11 years I had enough. Now I have a loving gentle man who thinks sun rises with me waking up every morning. He can go to his place for days, I might not talk to him everyday (through to be honest i do miss him when i don't) but i don't care what hes doing, i don't worry about who he's with or what he is doing, He is secure in himself and it shows in every aspect of his personality. He'll tell you himself, he's not the best looking man in the world but he is who he is. He has me and needs no other. He know I know that and doesn't fear that because I don't here from him every 5 minutes or even a day, I know he's doing what he needs to do to remain being him. I love that about him. Oh and I make more then money then him as well and he's still says Baby here take this put it aside save it for a rainy day. GOT TO LOVE HIM hope this helps, good luck. Don't look so hard for the right person for u, their probably right in front of u and u dont even know it.

reply to post by dragynfly


That's sad

First off I'd like to thank those who replied, man or woman.
But the situation was never about the relationship.
I feel that when a person expects something (a ring...) to show a relationship exists, or commitment is true, why should the size matter and why does it have to be a diamond ring? Why can't people exist together without any material, obviously consumer based, marketing strategy on their finger?
You see, it's not the idea of commitment that startles me.
It's the fact that I don't need a ring to tell someone I love them.
I don't think I need a symbol or charm to show them either.
Or a certificate?
Giving a woman everything in the world shouldn't mean buying her love.
Maybe I don't completely understand how to make women happy.

Also, I am a committed person by nature, and I can't see it being an 'insecurity'.

Does that make any sense?
Maybe I am just thinking about it too much.
Ugh...

Originally posted by flyingviolet
She shouldn't be asking you for a ring, you should want to give one to her.
You shouldn't be worrying about the price and she shouldn't care about the price either.
Rings don't matter anyway, love does. The ring is a symbol of your love for her.

That's the point. I want to give her my world.
Not a symbol construed from western ideals.
The price shouldn't matter, you're right.
It mattered to her.

Originally posted by stinavamp
Ok First off I have been married now for 6 years. To a woman a ring is a symbol of committment, a symbol of a man's want of her and to some woman it's a symbol of love. The bigger the rock the more you love her.Well I don't buy into to that BS of rock= love. If a woman loves you she won't care what ring you get her.My husband proposed to me with a gumball machine ring.He didn't have a lot of money but he wanted to show me that he wanted to be with me and no one else. Some of my friends called him cheap, but it was the thought that counts. My wedding ring is not a diamond but a heartshape ruby set in silver. It cost like a hundred bucks but its the most valuable item, to me, I own.My advice to you is to know that ring is an important symbol to a woman, you just need to find one that cares more about you than her jewelry. Not all woman are materialistic. You need to find one who suits your income.

Where do you learn that rings are symbols of commitment?
I would hope to be able to never worry about that.
Income shouldn't matter!

Originally posted by innervision0730
Every girl is different. Was she like that in the beginning or just with the ring?

She was like that towards the end, and she knew what she wanted.

She probably just got overly excited and carried away.
You don't even need to get married to show you love someone.

Wowsers, I don't think I ever heard that from a female.
Nice.

Its funny because you see all the time " if we don't get married then I can't be with you and I need to move on" lol I don't get it..Marriage is completely overrated. I also don't believe in marriage under God. I mean seriously, I don't even think marriage was invented then. I give you best wishes on finding a non materialistic girl. They are hard to find. If she can't appreciate what little she has now then she will never be happy. I don't have much but I have more than what homeless do; food,shelter, clothing and a few nice things.

She might have been born with a silver spoon, who knows.
To me, those things are the most important things to offer a woman.
Support unconditionally, and love.
You see, I don't see an issue with the marriage at all.
People know when to settle and stay committed, it's almost nature. (in my humble opinion)
Oh yeah and I'm done searching for non-materialistic women.
Not that I ever 'search'.
Seems I just fall into relationships.

Originally posted by mblahnikluver
Havok I only read to the point where her test was the size of the ring...

RED FLAG THERE to RUN!

I am female and I wouldnt care if my man gave me a cracker jack ring, it's the gesture and meaning behind the ring and what it means. It isn't about the size. The size thing is just to show off!

I am also not above CZ rings...

Any women IMO that has issues with the ring size should be ditched asap. What does that say about them as a person really? To me it shows they are shallow. I remember when I worked at Gordons Jewelers and how the women would complain about the size after their man spent HOURS picking out a ring and being all excited. It always made me sick to see.

See, there's my point.
I honestly believe that is a real issue with relationships today.
Money or value shouldn't have to even be involved in a relationship, and it is.
In every form.
Whether I like it or not.
And I don't.

I thought that just being with and loving the person unconditionally was good enough.
For some reason, it's never enough.


All of the replies here are definitely giving me more thoughts about the entire 'system' of marriage.
(looks like I can spell marriage after all )

Oh well, I am well over this "materialistic" style of people.
Not all women are like this, I know.
Just the ones I meet.


Thanks again.

Originally posted by havok
This entire thread is a response to my last (ex) girlfriend of a few years.
I'll sum up the relationship like this:
We went out a few times when we were younger, but met up years later and got serious.
So everything was going fine until I got the relationship test.
Well, that's what I call it.
She wanted a ring...and an enormously expensive one at that.

So, all females who actually read this:
Why is there an obsession with a ring?
Do you have to have an item that shows that your man 'has' you for life?
Is it just western customs/ideals?
Is it merely the product of women who are blasted the ideas of consumerism and materialism by watching the television and actually basing their lifestyle choices on what 'it' tells you?
I am honestly stumped.
Don't get me wrong, I am all about pleasing a woman and making her happy.
But to me, you can't purchase happiness.

Anyways, it was the deal breaker for me.
Put it simply, she picked it out and it was way over my budget.
And I don't even think that a relationship should ever be based on material items.

But then again, I am against the entire idea of registering a marriage.
I believe that marriage should be held in the presence of God(at a church).
No need for government to tell you, "You need a license".
So that's a whole other conspiracy...

I seriously think that the television is ruining normal relationships.
Well that or maybe I just need to stay single.
Because apparently my ideals are definitely not what women want.

I just want companionship, with no pressure to buy happiness!
I already have a dog...That's what one woman told me.
Really I just want a nice girl to wake up to.

Is that too much to ask?
Please give me the females perspective so I can figure this out.

being an aged female here, (not to aged though) Id say she was being extremely selfish for wanting a ring outside your budget. This shows you she is irresponsible with money. If she wants a expensive ring she will continue on with more expensive wants, it is in my opinion a very wise decision to stop the deal.

I've been happily married for 23 years. Everytime my husband wants to buy me a diamond, I get really mad. Diamonds are beautiful, but so are a hundred other stones that are relatively inexpensive. I love Aquamarines....and might like one someday when we don't have better things to spend money on (like college educations, cool cars, and investments).

Diamonds are absolutely a racket. Inflated prices, blood money, slave labor....and supply withheld to boost prices to insane levels. I think it is disgusting that any woman who loves you would want you to incur such enormous debt. Give me a Cayman over a Tiffany & Co. ring. I could buy a Tiffany setting, put a cubic zirconia in it, and 99% of my 'lades who lunch' friends wouldn't have a clue.

In addition, when I have worn a relatively inexpensive David Yurman white quartz ring that looks like a diamond, women fawn over me. My 'value' in their eyes doubles.

Time to find someone who thinks like you, and isn't so insecure that your value is in what you can give her, so she can show it off. Love is enough.

Respect? A ring signifies respect? You look at other women's rings? Why? To see how much they are respected? Wow. This is so sad.
Respect can't be conveyed with anything else but respect itself. Your ring might be beautiful, it also might signify your husband loved you enough to buy you something that mattered to you. That is all it means. It is an innate material good. A symbol. At least your honest.

My mother who can't stand my father, wears huge diamonds. She doesn't wear them because they signify love or respect. She wears them so that women like you can check them out in the line of the grocery store, measure her wealth, social standing, and how much she is 'respected' because my dad has wasted over half a million on platinum and diamonds.

Originally posted by lostviking

My mother who can't stand my father, wears huge diamonds. She doesn't wear them because they signify love or respect. She wears them so that women like you can check them out in the line of the grocery store, measure her wealth, social standing, and how much she is 'respected' because my dad has wasted over half a million on platinum and diamonds.

In my humble, very honest opinion, I seriously think that deep down, most women think this way.
It's a symbol to show to other people your 'value'.
So that they may see how much you are worth.

Just like a big house.
Just like a fancy car.

A big diamond is the same idea.

And I'll admit it...I am against all of the above.
I think I've finally figured it out.
I see all these things as worthless items.
Viewed only by those who have a false sense of actual happiness.
I don't believe in having to prove to anyone, or my neighbors, that I have money/value.
That's my issue.
I don't need to impress people.

So maybe the issue is with me.
I'll be a man and admit it.
I don't want to fill my life with materialistic ideals.
Or some sort of fake illusion or bravado that is displayed by being engrossed in debt.


Now, to find any woman that is okay with that....

Whatever happened to the days where providing a home, some food and security was enough?
Where bringing home the days hunt to provide for family was more than enough?

Oh I know what happened.
Television.

Ha!

Originally posted by sueloujo
When I first met my husband, he had just put a deposit on his house. He asked me to get engaged and took me to Guernsey (a small tax free island off UK) to buy a ring. Knowing he had probably just paid a big deposit for his house, I picked out a £40 ring even though he said i could have what I want. That ring still means more to me than any other piece of jewellery he has ever bought me since.
It really is not about the money...you will know when you meet the right girl...because the love between the two of you will be the only thing that matters!

Good Luck in finding her.

i did the same thing when my fiancee sked me what ring i wanted i picked one for £40 to, he said i could have one for more but i said i liked this one and i still do.
not all women want money, i would rather be with a poor man who treats me right and equal than a rich man that treats me like a commodity or slave.
its not about money its about sharing your life together good and bad, its about a friendship as well as everything else thats what i have with my fiancee and i wouldnt want it any way.

Originally posted by havok
She wanted a ring...and an enormously expensive one at that.

The ring is something that the man should offer to the woman. Not something the woman should demand. Run for the hills.

So, all females who actually read this:
Why is there an obsession with a ring?

Women are sometimes insecure and need a symbol to feel more secure and to show their friends? I don't know, really, as I wear NO jewelry. I don't get it.

Do you have to have an item that shows that your man 'has' you for life?

My husband did propose and we exchanged sapphire earrings, and he bought me a little wedding ring, but I don't wear any of it anymore. But none of it claimed his ownership of me. Yuk! They were gifts he freely bought for me.

I seriously think that the television is ruining normal relationships.
Well that or maybe I just need to stay single.

Just find someone who DOES share your ideals. Don't give up on love. Just give up on this woman who wants the expensive ring. There are plenty of women out there who know what's important in life.

reply to post by havok


As a young married woman, I know that(and it's pretty sad), a lot of women will want a big diamond ring.
There are so many reasons as to why she responded that way.
TV,media,family,friends, the whole freaken world can affect someone so easily manipulated.
In my opinion, she seems like a shallow person to "want" a ring like that.
There are just some people who are selfish like that.

I'm glad you did the right thing, because if you would have married her, you would have most likely
had bigger problems than just a big ring.

I'll be honest, when my husband proposed to me, I loved my ring and still do. But there were times when someone would show me their's and it was way bigger than mine and they'd be "oh your's is only a 1 ct.??".

I honestly think the whole bridal/wedding industry pushes for EVERYTHING to be big, and that was getting into my head.
Finally,I snapped out of it, and realized how dumb I was for even letting that get to me.

Anywho, you did the right thing. Even if my husband had proposed to me with a tiny rubberband ring, i'd still love it. It was the fact that I was going to be his wife and move away with him that mattered.