Help, I am a frustrated dad of an eleven year old who thinks he doesn't have to do anything but what he wants to do.

Examples. He doesn't help out around the house, constantly takes stuff out of our shed and doesn't put it back. When he is asked to clean his room, he has a fit, and starts breaking and throwing things. He has broken at least 3 controllers for the PS2, three windows, and numerous other things of value.

We have him seeing a counselor about his anger, but that doesn't help me or the other people in the family.

Any ideas on how we can slowly turn him around, so that he will help out at least a little bit?

We have tried to take privildges away, limit the amount a time riding his bikes (oh yea, he has 6 of them). I am reaching my limit.

TIA

Thats a tough situation. I have a younger brother around that age, he's 13 but that really does'nt matter. He's not violent but he thinks he can do whatever he wants.

It sounds to me that he may have a psychological problem, not like he's a nutcase but something that he would need to see a psychiratrist or a conselur. It seems to me that he's holding back on something, maybe your divorced or your wife died recently? He's become careless about life and has be come destructive. I urge you to check if he's into drugs or alcohol as well since those do alter moods. Something is defintly troubling him.

For how long was he like this?

You turned your kid into a spoiled little brat... 6 BIKES!!!?

Is that really necessary?? Why do you keep buying him paddles?? Tell him if he's going to be like that he's going to be working to save up money to buy a new one if he's going to destroy property...

Your obviously not hard enough on your kid, he needs to learn personal responsibility, and you need to stick a boot up his ass, i'm sorry, but you spoiled your kid, now you have to teach him his behaviour is unacceptable.

He's learned which butttons to push on you, he knows what he can get away with and what he can't, and obviously there is no line for him to cross..

It's time to draw one!!!

Ban his ass from riding bikes, from playing play station, get a closet, lock it everytime he does something bad, what he takes the most pleasures in, take them away if he isn't going to abide by your rules.

You need to set rules, he isn't an adult, he doesn't know, you teach him what to do, if you don't he's going to run around like a crazy man and find himself in jail...

Start now he'll just get worse when he's a teenager!!

And counselling doesn't work... They want your money, they try using the "well how about you try this" ... You need to stick a boot up his ass sir, really take my advice, it worked for my dog, he's the best dog ever! He used to try and run ship, but he's learned who the dominant one is..

Same goes for your son... Your son is trying to establish control... NOT GOOD.

three words. beat his ass.


dont give an inch when confonting him. say "this is how it is like it or not."

try harsher punishments, like grounding to his room. no tv. no ps2. better yet, take his PS2 and sell it on ebay if he does what hes been doing again. ive actually seen that. it said PS2 for sale. punishemnt for my child!.

just stand your ground. although if he is 11 and hes doing this there might be a medical probelm for it. not to say your son is crazy or mentaly unsound but you cant rule it out. i dont know anyone who acted this way when they were 11.

Sounds like he has far too much. If he always gets what he wants, he'll always do what he wants.

Sell 5 of his bikes, lock away the PS2 when he throws a tantrum, and take away his money to pay for whatever he breaks.

And when all else fails, TrueLies has the right idea. Give the boy a good beating.

Is he hyper active at all ? any alergic to any dairy products like cows milk etc. If so his behaviour could be linked to that try giveing him goats milk insted and find chocolate that is non dairy bournevill choc is one kind I know it sounds unlikey but its one idea

Smack him upside the head when he starts acting like a little #.

Trust me, it works wonders.

To all the people that are saying to hit him, geeze. I used to get smacked around as a kid, too, and I was the perfect little angel. Only because i was terrified of my parents.

I say you just take away privleges and toys until he cooperates, and if that fails then some form of corporal punishment, and then lastly counseling.

My mother will have said to something like that, take the kid a give a good spank.

Take away everything he likes and make sure you have a good health insurance in case he decides to bang his head in the wall like my child used to do. He is ok now 18 and thank god no brain damage.

Being there done that, and started at that same age, have the boy tested for mental problems, he has counseling at 100 dollars an hour.

He was put on Ritalin and antidepressant.

And one day after my hair turned premature white had to take high blood pills control and my husband went bald, he got out of it just like that, he was about 16 when everything just stops.

Thank god not drug problems, or police problems. He is back to be a normal young man no antidepressants or any other drugs.

Keep control and always reassure him that even when you don't agree with his behavior you still love him, and always will be there for him.

It works be patient and good luck.

Hitting him, to you people who are suggesting it, will only cause his behavior to be worst.

My suggestion is to put him in as many sports as possible. His anger problem could be something out of his control. My summer job is working with kids 11-14 from the inner city, many of whom have anger problems. The kids are on a schedule doing physical activity 6 hours out of a 9 hour day. They are on a routine and tight schedule. Your son needs consisitency and a routine. For example, same time every day he should eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. His routine should include homework hour, sports activities(VERY IMPORTANT! I cannot stress this enough; there needs to be an outlet for him and sports is it.) etc.....

I suggest putting him in a creative communications class where he can express himself through art, words and music. Look in your area for a parents magazine (there are listings for that type of thing in local parent magazines) or perhaps his school has a similar type class.

The other thing that would help is using conflict resolution techniques, ask your sons therapist about age appropriate techniques that you can use with him.

Basically it is easy to say his behavior is X, now I need a Y solution to correct it. Taking that approach can only lead to failure. You must look at the whole picture. Your sons anger is either deep rooted and hasn't been dealt with or it is an emotional problem that he has not been taught how to control.

The biggest thing is team sports, again I cannot stress enough. Being a part of a team forces relationships with others to reach a common goal. Learning how to work as a team will teach him personal responsibility and community skills.

Conflict Resolution skills that you can try:

1) Setting the stage- Taking time out to talk.
2) Getting it out- Let him express his side, without interuptions. Then you tell him yours.
3) "I" Statements- You tell him how it makes you feel when he doesn't do what you ask and how it affects the household as a whole. Then have him use the word "I" to tell you how he feels.
4) Pick an alternative action- Tell him what he can do differently to avoid getting his personal belongings taken away...or going out privilages, etc...
5) Make a resolution committment- have him commit to his duties as well as you comitting to things if he follows through.


And lastly, please do not use physical violence, this WILL create a bigger problem for you and for your son.

Hope that helps, U2U me if you want more suggestions. BTW, I am a parent too.

You know some places in africa still buy young teenagers for slaves... think about it, it'll put him in his place and you wont have to worry about him... just an idea of course, not condoning it or anything...

Alternatively just lay down the law and stop spoiling him...

If he breaks anything of *his*, tell him you are not going to replace and therefore he has two choices, save up allowance/earn money somehow or fix his broken stuff himself (read books, learn to be patient, be constructive). Failing that, triplicate a dictionary. (just don't let him fix anything high voltage, like clocks, tv's, or radios..) (game controllers, mice, keyboards, watches, and anything battery powered is fine.) This also means you may have to supervise him if he goes that route, but it will make him apprciate it more, since he worked his tail off for it. Just a suggestion, nothing more.

[Edited on 23-7-2004 by Crysstaafur]

Either you can kick his little butt now, or with his attitude someone else will later.

Spank his ass and send his room, then dare him to call someone and tell them thay you spanked him.

71LSPC, I completely empathise with your situation. KayEm's two sons (14 and 18) still act like that. However, until we get out of her mothers house, we're stuck with it. When we get a place of our own though, things will change.
They will act like civilised human beings or will be sent to live with their dad.
And they won't like that one bit.

Thanks for the advice erveryone.

Happily, my son just started soccer. Hopefully, now that he burns some energy off, his temper and willingness to listen will improve.

I am thinking this might be the begining to puberty. (aghhhhhh, not yet).

He is now looking at selling all but two of his bikes, and then want to buy a gas powered scooter. He also has to buy some new PS2 controllers, and a power supply for his pc.

He is finally excited about going back to school. His best friend who moved to Florida, has moved back, and is going to the same school. Maybe this will help with the whole situation.

Thanks, again.

Thats great news............. Really terrific.... Sports teaches kids many characteristics needed in life...

I still think your a softy though... My sisters husbands is just like you and his kids walk all over him... He doesn't think so, but it's like an abused woman saying that the man isn't really how everyone else sees him...

But people in these situations don't see the big picture like everybody else does because they are the ones in it..

good luck...

Anger is a real serious issue. Moreso than being spoiled.

Sometimes, the best thing to do is get down and dirty with him. If he gets angry, you have to show him you're not going to back down. So if he gets mad, get mad too.

Then there's the "I don't care" approach. You know what they say, "Ignore them?" It's rather retarded, but in certain cases, it works. You have to make it clear to him that him being angry will hurt nobody but him. I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes the best way for kids to learn is to kick themselves.

My mother is a strict disciplinarian, and she used the "I don't care" method. And it got me in line and it taught me lessons, such as how I can't always get what I want, and that it's all up to me.

IMO, there are two options:

1. You will need a careful balance of love and discipline. I know this sounds bad, but basically you need to teach him to behave so that he wont lose your love. Show him as much love as you can when he is being good, and when he is bad, discpiline him and such. Basically pretend you are bi-polar, love him when good, dislike him when bad.

2. Get a complete stranger to spank him/verbally scold him/etc. Like have a friend that the kid doesnt know follow you where you go for a day, like the mall, etc. And either wait til your kid is bad, or push his buttons a little bit. Then, when he acts up, get your friend to come out of nowhere and punish the kid. Getting what your kid thinks is a stranger to punish him will surely make him rethink what he is doing. If he still acts up at home, be like, hey, i invited the guy we met at the mall last week to come over. And each time he is bad, say, I think I'll invite over Mr. so and so.