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A Letter to Self

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posted on Mar, 18 2011 @ 08:17 PM
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Tommy, do you have you bags packed? We are off on our journey again. This time take this letter!!!

Dear me,
I am writing this while I have a moment of clear thought and purpose with regards to our ongoing addiction(s) and relapse(s). Once again we have overcome the pains of Detox and contrary to popular belief, the worse is still ahead. The physical aspects of withdrawal will ever so slowly pass, but a new intruder lies patiently in the dark corners of our mind to attempt to steal our life and enslave us once again.

Post Detox~

Depression and lethargy will be waiting for their turn to trample our mind while we grieve in some strange way the death of our beloved drug of choice. And perhaps just like being on the rebound of a failed love, we may entertain the thought of replacing the void in our heart with a new attractive vice. This does not merely necessitate alcohol or drugs either. Keep in mind that it is not too far off base to suggest our perception is distorted at this time. Unrealistic expectations will begin to pop up like weeds in fertile soil. Any mind altering substance that we engage in at this time will only serve as a temporary countermeasure, teasing our mind as to what once was and will inevitably lead us back to the lonely cell off addiction.

Denial~

It is funny how as the sun starts to break through the clouds and paints our face with warming yellows. It somehow has a mind altering effect. But be not fooled, it is a lion in sheep's clothing. After a month or so has passed, and our mood is somehow lifted, our friend Denial will show up right on time to whisper lies into our ear. Do you remember the seductive voice not so very long ago?,” The detoxing wasn’t so bad, let's just start over and take a little. You addiction is nothing compared to the other people you have read about. After all, it's not like your spiking H for crying out loud! And these meeting? Give me a break, you don't have time for that. Your too tired and have to get your rest...take a pill or four and relax, you earned it..."

Who is this strange dude...Me!~

Alright then, here is our favorite part. Now that we have resisted "Denial" and told her to go flirt with someone else, a very peculiar face is peering through a hole that he just smashed through the door. I hear a disturbing drawn out call,"Heeeeerrre's TOMMY!!! Without hesitation I let him in, after all...It's just me. Yet something appears different, his 6'4 frame appears to have shrank, he doesn’t seem so cool and tough anymore. It appears he has been crying. " Hey Me! What have you been doing? "" Well", he replies somberly, "I have been digging up bones that have been covered up during the years of our addictions. They all have words written on them like forgiveness, resentment, anger, bitterness, betrayal, hate, and loneliness. There is too many for me to carry alone. These belong to us!" Stunned at the magnitude of such a finding I yell back, "Well for crying out loud! Put them back you dumb ass!" "I don't think I can," he cries hysterically. "We have to cover them up with these pills and alcohol again, it's the only way!" I concede...

Guilt~

Unfortunately we gave in just as we made it to the top of the mountain. It reminds me of hikers who attempt to summit Mt. Everest. By either not following the people who have gone before and following their instructions to the letter. You find yourself unable to make the final push. Disoriented from the bone chilling cold and lack of oxygen you are forced to turn back. Only to find out you had only 300 yards to go. How where you to know you were so close? Well perhaps if we would have followed and put trust in a guide who had been there before they could have assured us and helped us the rest of the way! I wish we would have. When we got back to base camp and engaged in our hedonistic activities, We only received guilt instead of pleasure. Let the guilt go and get going...

Final Thoughts and Instructions~

This is as far as we got on our first journey Mr. Me. 60 long days, we worked our fingers to the bone, and what did we get? Boney fingers! So this is a warning, not only to myself but to others. After the drug haze is lifted and the long grueling flood of emotions become stable. And our perception is somewhat dialed into reality. We will be stuck with the person we have been trying to bury and they are not coming alone, they have pains and secrets that need to be healed. Get a head start, go to therapy, go to meetings, help other's in order to get your mind off yourself. Take up a hobby, and especially enjoy the free things that are available daily like Love. I'm going to start with me...

Today, I have not used...




posted on Mar, 18 2011 @ 11:49 PM
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reply to post by BLKMJK
 


As cliched as it sounds..."one day at a time". Good luck in forging your newer future. Keep writing, too. Hone that skill, most others wouldn't have posted such a personal account publicly. That's already a strength on your part.



posted on Mar, 19 2011 @ 12:24 AM
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Originally posted by QueSeraSera
reply to post by BLKMJK
 


As cliched as it sounds..."one day at a time". Good luck in forging your newer future. Keep writing, too. Hone that skill, most others wouldn't have posted such a personal account publicly. That's already a strength on your part.



Thank you so much. It is embarrassing showing my weakness but it is what it is. I can't change what I was but I change change who I can be.



posted on Mar, 19 2011 @ 08:39 AM
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reply to post by BLKMJK
 


I've written this same letter to myself, although not so well written, the message was the same.
Good luck, and you are not alone. We are everywhere...

Rev



posted on Mar, 19 2011 @ 09:08 AM
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Mister, there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and keep in mind, we're all here, stuck here you could say, enjoy it in any way you feel, life is not what "society" would have you believe, "they" want you destroy yourself, so that "they" don't have to. Sober or not, as long as you Are. You're winning. Best of luck, I'm right beside you in that boat, for we may not be "of" this system, but you've to mesh as well as possible, or you'll be trampled like so many insects under stampeding wild animals. Live, learn, love, and enjoy, in whatever way YOU deem best for you. Not barry sotoro, the dea, AA, dr phil, or any other crackpot full of themselves public figure. You'll be perfect as you are, many have come before, and many will come after, take a step outside the prison that is your mind, and see. My heart goes out to you, as cheesy as it may sound to you . There are lots of people here for support, lots going through the same h3ll as well. Let the light flow through.



posted on Mar, 19 2011 @ 09:14 AM
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reply to post by BLKMJK
 


Thank you for posting as your letter reflects meaning to so many of us on a multitude of levels. Without going into personal details, I assure you it impacted me.

So... thank you (again) and may both our paths lead to sunnier places.



posted on Mar, 19 2011 @ 07:59 PM
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Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words, it really means allot to me. I have come along way but I still have struggles and thoughts of using or drinking on a daily basis. Depression and anxiety are my biggest triggers as well as depersonalization and disassociation disorder.

I wrote this a few years ago while in active addiction. I post only to give a idea of what being an addict or alcoholic is like. After a back injury and some unforeseen life events I fell into addiction by abusing my pain meds and drinking in an effort to numb the pain. Once you get caught up, the choice to stop is no longer easy.

I often wonder how much easier it would be to get off of opiates if I did not suffer from reoccurring anxiety and depression. It is quite a dilemma in which I cannot seem to overcome and I am starting to think that perhaps? I never will.

There are days that I do not feel the heart crushing sorrow and ache that depression brings. The void is filled with joy and I even have the delusion during these days that maybe I am like everyone else. I even feel optimistic about my chances of “getting clean” . It actually seems so easy and I go about making plans in my head to accomplish this apparently easy goal.

After a long “happy” day of optimistic planning and I am fatigued with the days events, I lay my head down on my pillow. I soon fade into lucidity with warm thoughts of freedom flashing through my scattered thoughts.

At 3:30 a.m., my alarm grabs me by the hair and pulls me out of my sweet dreams kicking and screaming as I open my sleepy eyes to a new day. But I immediately sense that something is terribly wrong. Something is missing in the pit of my stomach or perhaps my soul. The joy of life, the optimism of sobriety, the will to get out of bed…to breath? All of these idea’s and impulses were snatched away as I was busy in my sleep playing Crisco Twister with the “Three Jessica’s,” Biel, Alba and Simpson. It’s as if as I slept, a dark ominous shadow slipped into my room and poured a large ice cold bucket of “the Nothingness” down my throat and I drank every bitter drop. All my previous recovery plans that where on fire in my soul and consciousness have been snuffed out , gone. Not even a scent or ash to be found.

The Nothingness that I speak of, and which you may be familiar with as well, turns hope into hate, love into lies, peace of mind, into pessimism. The bright confident eyes that I recognized in the mirror have oddly enough been replaced as well. I know this because the ones I wore before could see the beauty of the world with magnificent colors exploding of off God’s creation. I could also see the happiness in peoples eyes as they went about their daily business. But more importantly, I could see me in the future living a clean and abundant life being the best husband and father that a man could be. The eyes that the Nothingness apparently lends me on frequent occasion , have a very different and dark perception. The sun that usually brings warmth and comfort is now blinding and somewhat irritating. And it is also apparent that it prefers the darkness, so the darkness is where I reside while in this sickening mode. I no longer see the beauty of creation but the burden of living on this abysmal and painfully immoral rock in which we call earth. I no longer see the happiness in the peoples eyes but discouragement of mundane living, the shattered dreams etching deep wrinkles on their unsatisfied and unfulfilled faces. The day drags on painfully slow and I can only think of relief of any kind and any way. And so…I do.

I often wonder how much easier it would be to get off of opiates if I did not suffer from reoccurring anxiety and depression. It is quite a dilemma in which I cannot seem to overcome, and I am starting to think that perhaps? I never will



posted on Mar, 19 2011 @ 08:09 PM
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reply to post by BLKMJK
 


As one going through a different set of withdrawals (*mutters* masturbation and when it's an addiction, it can turn into something very different), thanks for that letter. It pretty much describes it. I don't think I have much to add that could be of use to you or any others, but that pain is actually growth and I actually smile when I realize, I wouldn't want these withdrawals to go away with the snap of fingers. I actually want to tackle them for self growth.



posted on Mar, 19 2011 @ 10:22 PM
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Originally posted by OneLife
reply to post by BLKMJK
 


As one going through a different set of withdrawals (*mutters* masturbation and when it's an addiction, it can turn into something very different), thanks for that letter. It pretty much describes it. I don't think I have much to add that could be of use to you or any others, but that pain is actually growth and I actually smile when I realize, I wouldn't want these withdrawals to go away with the snap of fingers. I actually want to tackle them for self growth.


I'm a bit confused as to what you are talking about. Mutters? And of course you have allot to offer my friend.



posted on Feb, 5 2012 @ 11:52 AM
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reply to post by BLKMJK
 


I was just browsing this thread when I came upon your letter and I just have this urge share something with you.

Firstly well written letter to yourself as I myself can relate to the emotional turmoil one goes through when in battle with the addiction monster. I can remember how tough it was to stay clean form all the stimulants that made life the pleasurable illusion it use to be. Many times I would come to the point where I could no longer swim in the river of denial and I would eventually force myself to get out, get dry to only get warm and jump back in ( I love using metaphorical references please bear with me). It caused allot of resentment in my ability to control myself and only further fuelled my problems.

The point I am tying to make is the decision to change is only the beginning to the process of getting clean and gaining self control but something that made the process so much easier (and many people struggle to cope with this decision) is to cut off all the relationships with people you shared your unwanted habits with. Many people fight addiction, take months to achieve sobriety to only get caught up with the same temptations because they come in contact with old friends still using with no intention to stop. I have been clean for a respectable 8months now with no relapse or thoughts of relapsing because I completely changed my lifestyle and choose my relationships with people very carefully.

I hope what I have shared may be of some use or closure to you and I wish you the very best for the future and accept your mistakes so that you can embrace the wisdom you have gained out of the experience.

Much love and respect






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