Having an Open/Swinging Marriage

I am very jealous by nature...

just the thought of someone else thinking sexual thoughts about my wife... drives me to rage...

if i were to see it or even know it occurred... that wouldn't sit too well with me...

My wedding vows stated that I would forsake all others for her... for me and her to take on other "lovers" would abolish the vows we made to each other...

...and I would never put my relationship with her in danger... never... I Love Her too much...

but the old saying goes... whatever floats your boat... or sinks your ship

Personally I dont see anything wrong with it. When there is a separation between lust and love, it is possible to have lust with others, and keep the love of one. Its about inhibition, and most do not try this, because they think that their significant other may want the other person. In a truly honest relationship, this is not an issue.

There IMHO is nothing wrong with experimentation, actually I believe that it can be helpful. Ill tell you why, many and I mean many have a third party in their relationship, whether you tell a friend about a problem, or a counselor, that is third party. Bringing another into you relationship (sexually) is also sometimes a way to be more open.

Knowing your love, and your love for having fun and then sharing it with someone that you love (alot of the word love, because its important), is not in any way a disregard for someone, but a good time. I know that its a hard concept to follow, and its even harder for many to understand, but it is a part of the lives of many.

Many relationships do not work, and if you ask the majority of them why, its because they are hiding something that they felt they couldn't share with another. This isn't to shame, but knowing that many could not and would not do it is just as reasonable.

Peace, NRE.

reply to post by syncelebrity


Easy now....this isn't my fantasy. I am simply reacting to a conversation that I had with a close friend of mine and an experience that "they" had.

I"m not a swinger ....I'm curious about swinging b/c apparently my best friend is now a member of the community and well...damnit, I guess I'm just wondering "what the hell!"

reply to post by rogerstigers


If it works for you and your wife then, nothing else frickin' matters. Good for you!

Originally posted by MagesticEsoteric
reply to post by rogerstigers

 

If it works for you and your wife then, nothing else frickin' matters. Good for you!

Thanks.. and remember that in threads like this, "you" is often meant to be the hypothetical "you".

reply to post by rogerstigers


Hypothetically, "you" may be right.

reply to post by EvolEric


Are you a Taurus by chance?

Originally posted by MagesticEsoteric
I am interested in knowing what other members think about having open marriages or swinging with other couples.

My best friend's significant other arranged for a "date" with another couple last weekend. Apparently, it was an "amazing experience" that helped them understand eachother and each other's needs on a much deeper level.

What do other's think about this?

To each there own, there are lots of people who are into this type of life style, and lots of people who say they aren't into this type of thing. I don't think it's bad, unless you fool yourself about it, or fool somebody else on what your into, or you just plain don't know yourself. And thats the bottom line.

Me personally, no not interested, and it's not even appealing to me, but whatever, love, lust, marriage, all those are just words in the end, and they all mean different things to different people, to some love and lust is the same thing and indistinguishable and not separated. To others they are two different things all together, or whatever else there is out there, but mostly people just make up or change whatever word to suit there needs or fancy, so really everybody is talking about different things using the same words. It's like the biggest mystery that is not at all mysterious.

reply to post by galadofwarthethird


Very true. It's mostly about perspective and life experiencesl

Everything else is pretty much relative.

I have had my own experience, partially by proxy into the swinger lifestyle. I will not say that it NEVER works, or that it is always bad. I will say however that the chances of it working for YOU hypothetically or not is very slim. When it works it is because you won a cosmic lottery of sorts. 1st you absolutely must have the perfect partner that is not only open minded, and selfless but trustworthy beyond reproach. You really must be the same, and the only test is to be in the middle of it, and test your mettle. 2nd the other pair must be of the same calibre. The chances of all this happening, and all 4 people finding each other, and working out the details is enough to run the improbability drive on the starship Heart of Gold. If you have successfully done it, and not ruined your relationship, congratulations. If you are thinking about trying it out: stick to lottery tickets where all you can loose is money, or retain a family law attorney beforehand. Your realtionship might be perfect, but you can't control the other relationship, and it has the potential to contaminate yours on multiple levels.

My wife's 1st marriage was an open marriage. Much at the pleading of her ex-husband, who really only wanted an excuse to eventually engage in wanton infidelity. They were members of a group. She really thought these people were great friends, and even supposedly ejected him from the group for his lack of character. She agreed from her feminine need to fit in and be part of a group, "connected." She thought she was gaining a solid cadre of close friends. He thought he was gaining a harem. They were both wrong. He destroyed 2 relationships. His own, and the other woman's, just like any other low life cheater.

My wife didn't discover until about 2 years later that her great friends weren't all that great after all. We went to a wedding of a couple within the group, and as soon as they found out my wife (no real interest in me mind you, lol) would not be joining the "intimate festivities" later that night they were pretty well off, and done with her. The rest of the wedding was a nightmare for her with people with whom she thought she was close finding reasons to excuse themselves to go chat up someone that would "put out" later on. She was disgusted, offended, and emotionally destroyed for weeks afterward. The realisation that she was mostly just a "party favor" in their eyes when she had thought there was a true connection, and real friendship. It was devastating to her self esteem.

She had only recently felt as though she could trust me with the admission that her former marriage had been open, and wanted me to meet these people so I would know, and also to reinforce to herself that it wasn't just about sex, only to have the point painfully, and viciously driven home that it was indeed all just about sex. She felt used, deceived, and dirty.

I have no problem with the open lifestyle in theory, but in practise it's benefits do not outweigh the risks. Flaws in human nature are profoundly magnified by exposure to the raw instincts, and emotions involved with love, spousal relations, and sex. If you're relationship survives the pressure, and stress you might have a diamond, but the greatest probability is that it will crack, and you'll have nothing, but a divorce to look forward to.

Of that group today only 1 couple is still married, and that is the founding couple of their little group. Imagine that. The story is repeated, and only the names change. No matter what the disclaimer says past performance IS indicative of future results. Your friend is NOT special, and is putting his marriage in the flames. He might end up with something great on a long shot, but most likely it will end like 99.5% of the rest, in divorce, and heart ache. I sincerely hope they have no children together as that would totally skew the risk vs. benefit ratio to the point of insanity for even thinking about it. Your sex life is inconsequential compared to the safety, and happiness of your children.

reply to post by Binder


by nature, the whole concept seems very complicated and delic ate...especially if the couples are not strong enough in their own rite and relationship.

I definately don't think this lifestyle is for everyone but, to each his own and the best of luck and wishes to all.

Originally posted by MagesticEsoteric
I am interested in knowing what other members think about having open marriages or swinging with other couples.

My best friend's significant other arranged for a "date" with another couple last weekend. Apparently, it was an "amazing experience" that helped them understand eachother and each other's needs on a much deeper level.

What do other's think about this?

I think outside of marriage this is fine... but marriage is supposed to be two people joined as one.

Even thinking about the idea of this while in the "binds of marriage" ...might just tell you something about your marriage

Originally posted by Kargun
It will end in divorce 100 %

He's right. My first marriage was an open marriage, my ex-wife was promiscuous to say the least. There were some threesomes, and she always picked the third wheel, but it was never another woman, as she always wanted to be the one getting pleasured. My best man at our wedding was regularly over at our house for shenanigans.

In the end, she was usually out getting laid somewhere while I wasn't, she didn't even bother including me anymore, I had gone from steering wheel to third wheel to spare tire. Then one day she woke up and said she didn't want to be my wife anymore, and walked out on me and our unborn child, who she handed over to me as soon as she was born, then walked out of our lives forever.

The moral of the story is: Marriage = Monogamy. If you can't be monogamous, your marriage WILL end.

Been there, done that. Im not ashamed of anything Ive done, but given the chance, I would not repeat it.

Whatever you do it will be on you to deal with it and all you touch with it. Dont climb mountains you cant get down from on your own.
Swingers I know are in the end all about themselves and getting their junk played with and seeking a sexual upgrade they wouldnt otherwise be able to keep. There wouldnt even be such a thing if there wasnt contraception, cause most guys have a natural aversion to raising some other guys DNA, while he's off doeing the next one. The woman always knows she's the mother and the only one that has that luxury. In any respect consider the risk of 18 yrs of child support, marriage or not.
Word the the wise: Besides glaring narcissism, STD's are rampant in the "lifestyle".

My wife has played on both teams, so to speak...and she'd be open to having a gal join us (though more as a once in a blue moon thing). At least I don't have to worry about another dude. Thing is though, that gals we know are friends (and attached), and nobody's looking to break up families or friendships.

It'd have to be a special set of circumstances that would allow it to happen though. We've come close on this a few times actually, but at least (while married) never done so. Back when I was single, on the other hand, there were some interesting parties we were both at...(she had a boyfriend at the time)...

I would say that this is something between you and your partner. If it's something you both want to try then go to a Swingers club, just to check it out. They a very welcoming and their is no pressure to do anything. If you both like it,then you can return. If you one of you don't, then you know. In fact, if you both do decide to go, I would treat it like a normal outing to a bar/club and make a rule that either one of you do nothing other than talk and observe.

I'm confused when you say Swinger/Open because they're 2 different things. Swingers tend to go to a place, have fun, sex games, and go home. Swingers are just about the sex with no emotional attachment. Where as Open Marriage normally allows both of you to see other people & have an emotional relationship outside of the marriage. Then their is Polyamory, which allows you & your partner's "other into the marriage & household.

I would say if either one of you have strong religious beliefs or have insecurity/jelousy issue's, then I would keep this stuff in fantasy land. If you and you partner know that no matter what, you two will be together and communicate about everything. Then try it, but both of you should have ground rules before going. Only you both know what you want and don't want. The difference is that by doing this, you will be involving other people. So communicate.

Just remember, Jelousy is a human nature. Both of you really don't know how you will feel/react when you see your wife with someone else or how will your wife feel seeing you doing stuff to another woman? Can you get through the jelousy and let yourselves go in the moment? Or will you get ready to layeth the Smackdown?

Another thing to consider is that while the thought of a sex filled night might sound great,and eventhough most Swinger's clubs practice extreamely safe sex, is your wife able to get pregnant? How often are both of you gonna get checked for STD's? Can you impregnate anothe woman? We alway think of the fun but not much about the consequences. Most clubs do NOT require members to provide proof of health/ STD results. What if your wife accidentally got pregnant while swinging? What if another woman claimed to have gotten pregnant by you? What if either one of you contracted an STD? Was the sex & fun worth it?

Of course, I could say all this to a teenager about the danger's of sex period, but it should be addressed. As far as the Open Marriage/ Polyamory thing. It's differnt because you will most likely know the people you get with, and emotions come into play.

My veiw, if it matters is that we humans are NON-Monogamous by nature, but completely monogomus by nurture. The most important thing I forgot here is that if you both are having problems on an intamacy issue,Swinging or having sex outside of the marriage will not help and only hurt both of you worse. That being said, I've seen more divorce's as a result of money and domestic violents than sex. It can't be infidelity if it's between consentual adult couples and that's the key, you both must consent to everything. Not part of it, not "I want to do this, but I don't want to see you do it' type of thing. If it's self-serving, then your relationship and everything else will fail. Good luck!

reply to post by jhnsmth


Seems you learned your lesson, which is marriage should retain it's traditional meaning for it's own morality and religious aspects which are voluntary.
"Marriage", in order to acquire money or benefits or otherwise force one of the party into something they wouldnt otherwise out of legal or state interference should be called something else. Extorsion maybe. Or fraud.
If it wasnt for the govt bennies nobody would want it, it's only about the money and inflicting control through interference by govt.

reply to post by syncelebrity


I agree 100% and couldn't have said it better myself.

From the few cases I have seen, it never ends well.

Aside from the obvious moral/religious implications, there are pleanty of health/medical reasons to avoid such activities.

There are many diseases that can be passed during sexual intercourse, many of which are not blocked by condoms (will everyone participating be using one?). Even viruses like herpes, hepatitis and AIDS cannot be eliminated from the body once an infection occurs. You can't eliminate a virus with antibiotics. Don't forget about the Epstein-Barr Virus that causes infectious mononucleosis. When the mouth and/or the anus are also used, there are even more potential locations for pathogens to enter the body. Even mouth-to-mouth contact can spread infections.

The anus is not designed to accept a lot of repeated penetration. It's easy to tear the inner lining in the rectum to promote bleeding or to allow for the introduction of infections.

Between the two faithful partners in a marriage, there is a purity that comes from being sexually exclusive. This exclusion minimizes the transmission of many potential diseases. It is almost impossible to verify the disease carrier status of everyone who might participate in these sort of activities, especially since some diseases are not detectable for a certain amount of time while still being potentially transmissible. A person who will have sex with more than one lifetime partner, will likely end up doing so with another such person, thus multiplying all the potential contacts who may be sources of infection.

The way I see it, if a person has sex with anyone beyond their own spouse, then there is an immensely increased risk for introducing an impurity into a relationship that should remain pure. Such diseases can then be passed on to the children as well (newborns getting infected during delivery i.e. herpes).