posted on Mar, 6 2011 @ 10:57 PM
So thanks to a previous thread we all now know how to convert gays to Jesus, but as this is ATS I thought we might also like to delve into another
tricky area of faith. How does one go about converting aliens to Jesus?
Here is a list of the major problems with Alien conversion and some of the techniques the christian soldier can use to overcome them
Problem (1) Aliens aren't scared of you.
Much of Christian history has revolved around conversion through terror either by killing people of a different religion until you win by default of
being the only faith left alive or by torturing people into renouncing their own faith. Now obviously killing a multi armed laser wielding Venusian is
not an easy task and capturing one to torture is even harder so what is to be done.
Introduce the alien to the idea of hell, his culture may be unfamiliar with such a cruel and bizarre concept as punishing good people for the rest of
eternity simply for believing in the wrong invisible sky person and thats to your advantage.
There is no need to kill or punish if you can make the alien believe that a much more powerful, invisible, multi dimensional, immortal being ready to
take him down to a fiery pit if he doesn't go along with you.
Problem (2) The Alien is just too damn logical and keeps pointing out inconsistencies in the bible
We all know that much of the bible doesn't make any sense and that even the bits that do contradict the other bits, aliens with their advanced
understanding of pure mathematics and logic may just have a problem with this so what is to be done?
Solution (2) Introduce the idea of faith
Thankfully the whole idea of consistent logic and "things making sense" can be easily side stepped by introducing the alien to the word faith "It
doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense" you tell him you must just have faith that it is true. When the alien points to two particular biblical
quotes that are completely contradictory you can then sneak in another more advanced concept that of God being "un-knowable" hopefully this will
confuse the alien long enough for you to sign him up to your church news letter and get your foot in the door.
Problem (3) Jesus was an alien
It's a controversial theory but if it turns out to be true the you are in a whole world of trouble, to you he's jesus the saviour of mankind but to
the aliens he may just be Bob, the guy that went out for a pack of smokes 2000 years ago and hasn't been seen since and the alien isn't going to
like the fact that someone nailed his friend to a tree for after he went around healing the sick and curing lepers
Solution (3) Convince him that Jesus actually survived being nailed to a cross.
Ok it's going to be a long shot i'm afraid and the chances of you getting out of this one without third degree laser burns are slim, but your one
chance is to convince Mr or Mrs alien that the whole crucifixion idea was actually Bob's plan from the very start and that rather then a horrible
pointless death Jesus (Bob) was actually staging the worlds most impressive magic trick by dying and then coming back to life a little bit later and
ascending into heaven to the amazed applause of the gathered crowd, a trick that even Pen and Teller have failed to recreate to date.
I hope this thread has been of some help to people, and remember to keep you bible with you at all times when UFO hunting people we need to spread the