My flaws seem to be ruining my relationship :(

Im not usually the one to post my relationship issues anywhere, but in this instance I really need some advice, as my flaws and imperfections seem to be putting a tremendous strain on my relationship. Out of every relationship Ive had with anyone, I want this one to work more than anyone. Its a hard thins to explain when you have feelings so strong about someone, but Im sure some of you understand what i mean

I have to be honest with you all, because I know Im not the greatest or most perfect person in the universe, so the following are some of the issues that have been frustrating my girlfriend for the last week or so

- Im not clean enough. For example, she is a complete neat freak, which in my opinion is a good thing. However, after I cleaned up our garden the other day I offered to vaccum the house so she could relax a bit, and after some gentle persuasion that I could do a good job I got to it. And yep, I screwed up, missed a few spots.

- I have trouble trying to say things to her. For example, due to my past (not going public with that stuff just now), I have issues with how I say things. Sometimes, the tone of my voice and the way in which I present certain words can be taken as being derogatory.....I dont mean it obviously, but there's no excuse for it, and we are both tired of me saying sorry.

- I take things to heart to often. How do I not do this? Is it my own fault for letting stuff get to me? Im really confused about this, and I feel like a real week person for actually admitting that I shed tears a couple of times. That has never happened to me before...I just dont cry

- Im think too much sometimes and dont think enough other times. For example, I tend to dwell on mistakes Ive made, and my past, rather than look to the future. And other times I simply dont think and stuff things up. I need advice on how to get the median, because Im really having trouble.

Has anyone been in the same situation as me? I love this girl to bits, and I want to do everything I can to not put unnecessary stress on her. She is good to me, and I need to sort myself out.

If anyone understood, even a little bit of what I just wrote..please...i need advice. Never been through this situation before

reply to post by OzWeatherman


sounds a lot like what I'm going through..


u2u?

hey i have no real advice, but its good to see u getting it out there, maybe opening up will help you.. when i read this i thought wow this sounds like me, except i cant get in a steady relationship because i always pick out flaws no matter how hard i try to ignore them, and i think some where deep down im still hurting from my last relationship (in which i was cheated on)....... Good luck man

reply to post by OzWeatherman


I know exactly how you feel. it's like im looking in a mirror when i read your words
All i can offer in advice is, and i hate to sound cliche but "just be yourself"
i wasted 11 years of my life trying to be someone im not, just to make the other person happy, and i failed.
do what you want, have fun, and live life while you can. omg im making myself sick but it works.

i can feel what ur going through

my girl has bi-poler an she puts me through hell once or twice a week

she also has OCD about housework - which i never get in the way of -- ever - i only offer to help in the house dutys - like ill do the dishes an cook an carry laundry an switch loads

i have changed the way i handle things a lot in the last 3 years

my best answer to you is

communication
complete open communication

put it all on the table an talk it out

be open minded
except ur wrongs
put in a real effort to change

your girl must also do the same

no one is perfect
but everyone can meet in the middle an compromise

one last thing - admitting ur wrong about things is never easy
everyone has faults

2nd last thing -- complete an open HONESTY is a must in any successful relationship

good luck an peace

reply to post by OzWeatherman


Oz, my friend, honest, even though it might sting a bit...

You can't be someone you are not. Moreover, if you try too hard to make things work, buddy, for some reason it never works out for the best. Catering to the negative feeds the negative, I suppose.

The vacuuming thing... One could look and see the spots you missed. Or one could look and see that you made an effort at caring. When one sees only the missed spots... Well there are bigger problems afoot than a dirty carpet.

Man, I truly do wish you all the best with this. I know how much you care about this girl. I'm here for you if you need to talk dude.

~Heff

reply to post by OzWeatherman


It seems to me, and I may be way off the mark, that you are trying to hard. You need to relax and be yourself. In a relationship you accept each other for who you are flaws and everything,you say you have trouble speaking to her, does she intimidate you? None of us are perfect, we all have these flaws, you seem insecure in yourself and as for crying sometimes don't worry. it takes a real man to cry. None of these issues will be solved unless you sit down with her and talk it all out, tell her how you feel, find out how she feels. If you do not communicate it will all build up and you will start to resent each other. I wish you well and hope you can sort it all out.

reply to post by OzWeatherman


Sounds like she is putting the screws to you mate.

If I were you I'd make clear to her the terms for this relationship, so that she knows what's what, and what she won't be changing about you.

Once she has a more clear idea of things, then it is up to her to stay or leave.

And don't apologize to her unless you actually victimize her. Tell her to get over it, or stop being so hysterical. Be a man about it.

Needlessly apologizing (like when she is emotional for some strange reason) only makes you look weak. So does letting her 'change' you. The woman must be made to realize that you are a grown man and won't be changing any time soon. This is when you must be at your strongest, because after this realization she will be deciding whether to leave or stay. If she loves you she'll stay and be happy to be with a real man, but if she is treating you like some project then she'll leave and you'll be better off for it.

*And for 'sake man, don't cry. If you must cry, do it alone somewhere and don't tell anyone. Seriously.

Hi Oz,

Originally posted by OzWeatherman
- Im not clean enough. For example, she is a complete neat freak, which in my opinion is a good thing. However, after I cleaned up our garden the other day I offered to vaccum the house so she could relax a bit, and after some gentle persuasion that I could do a good job I got to it. And yep, I screwed up, missed a few spots.

- I have trouble trying to say things to her. For example, due to my past (not going public with that stuff just now), I have issues with how I say things. Sometimes, the tone of my voice and the way in which I present certain words can be taken as being derogatory.....I dont mean it obviously, but there's no excuse for it, and we are both tired of me saying sorry.

- I take things to heart to often. How do I not do this? Is it my own fault for letting stuff get to me? Im really confused about this, and I feel like a real week person for actually admitting that I shed tears a couple of times. That has never happened to me before...I just dont cry

- Im think too much sometimes and dont think enough other times. For example, I tend to dwell on mistakes Ive made, and my past, rather than look to the future. And other times I simply dont think and stuff things up. I need advice on how to get the median, because Im really having trouble.

Has anyone been in the same situation as me? I love this girl to bits, and I want to do everything I can to not put unnecessary stress on her. She is good to me, and I need to sort myself out.

If anyone understood, even a little bit of what I just wrote..please...i need advice. Never been through this situation before

1. You do not have to change to suit another person... BUT, you can both meet in the middle somewhere more balanced. If you are messy and she is a neat freak, then find a way to meet on happy ground... lived in but clean?

2. This is true in the reverse also. It's communicaiton you seek, one where what is being said or how it is being said is understood for what it was Intended.. not for how it sounded. The only way to reach that point is to practice and be aware of your action at the time.. and for this lady to understand you are working on it.. For Her and thus needs to be more accepting of how you are.

3. When you have an emotional investment it is hard not to take things to heart.. and there will be times with this lady that not doing so will be misread as you not caring. So again Balance is needed from both parties.

4. Focus. Only on what you are doing in Each Moment. If the mind is being a problem then learn to Master your Self... it is done by constant, vigilant observation of our own thoughts and actions in every moment.. and then bringing the Mind back to what we are Doing. You will find yourself having to re-focus your attention every 10 to 20 seconds but after 30 or 40 days you will have established a new behaviour.

No relationship issue is ever One Sided.. it always takes Two to Tango and to Fight over the Small Stuff.

So, to fix what is thought to be wrong with this relationship is to move toward more effective Communications with each other. And this takes time to learn the other person.. to really learn about them, how they think and what reactions they may have to simple stuff in life.

Lastly, embrace each other regularly without having to "do it". Speak often, watch often and learn that a place in the middle will work much better for two people than one saying how things must be... and never, ever allow your testicles to reside in her handbag!

Hi matey, I was tossing up whether or not to write a reply because I'm about to go to bed and my brain's a bit alcohol soaked, but jeepers I really don't think I could sleep if I didn't reply knowing that I could, so please forgive me if any of this comes off convoluted or inappropriate etc - cheers

I hear ya, I really do. In fact, I'm sitting here in my childhood bedroom right now (I'm in my 30's) because of a very similar matter of the heart I just couldn't fix. Almost 4 years of desperately trying to maintain a relationship with my soul mate took so much out of me I had no choice but to retreat and surrender. Now I'm here apart from him and aching, I also have found much needed clarity, but I'm afraid it is clarity I could only have found away from him, which of course I'm saying is you're only solution.

I think that so long as you love someone that much, you don't realise it but you naturally care about them more than you care about yourself, and this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I believe that so long as one or both people still have a bit of growing to do within themselves, it's nearly impossible to make it work. We tend to sacrifice alot for the sake of the other's happiness, and this sacrifice in itself will unfortunately compromise integrity and respect.

I'm obviously not privvy to your situation in full, so I can't tell you what is going to work for you, but I can say that I have found that alot of my flaws that were getting in the way of my relationship were 'learned'. Since moving back home with the parents I've had a chance to re-observe my upbringing through fresh adult eyes, and wouldn't you know it, all those things I did in my relationship that he hated, that I hated doing, I learned it all from my parents. Now I'm aware of that I'm able to reinforce my own unique structure of beliefs and views and letting them keep theirs, so hopefully once I'm all healed and strong again, my boy and I can be reunited and I can be me, instead of being just an idea of me.

Obviously I'm not telling you to go move back in with your parents, but just remember that our personalities are constantly developing, and so long as you stress out about trying to make everyone happy and vacuuming perfectly etc, you're really only avoiding the beautiful chaos of unpredictability. Your girl might be pleased as punch if you get all the spots, or speak in the perfect tone, but down the track she'll probably end up meeting some stranger who will surprise her with stuff she wasn't expecting. So seriously, be yourself because you might cop it in the form of anger or abuse, but that'll die down faster than the long term stuff you struggling with right now. Trust me on that one, if I had a do-over, that's what I would do differently. She obviously loves you for who you are, so trust in THAT!

As for the other stuff your grappling with, I can't give definitive answers to, but I will tell you that the stuff you take to heart will be a faded memory in the future, but I know how impossible it is to ignore it when you're in it. If you find an answer to it, let me know! Actually I do know something that helps - when I get stuck on something that overpowers me mentally and physically, going for swim is a guaranteed instant fix. I think water helps clear up your aura or something like that, it doesn't really matter - it works!

Good luck, I really hope this helps even a teeny bit.

reply to post by melsbells137


So true we are ingrained with so much learned behavior from our parents that we take into our adult life, it takes time to become our own self and outgrow those behaviors, parents are our role models in our formative years so any flaws they have can be ingrained in ourselves, I feel for this guy, but I am sure he can sort it out one way or another, it takes a lot of guts to bare your soul on a site like this.

Originally posted by Swanseadog
reply to post by melsbells137

 

it takes a lot of guts to bare your soul on a site like this.

I hear that brother

reply to post by OzWeatherman


Its been my whole lifes problem, dont feel alone lol

I feel for you OZ, I'm feeling quite similar at the moment, I can hear how I sound sometimes, and it's critical and not positive enough but I can't stop it - it's causing a bit of tension between my partner and myself, we just celebrated our 5 year on Thursday and have a 6 month old, so am doing my best to, not change so to speak, but keep myself in check. He's not perfect, but I remind myself daily that he is a wonderful man and father but I tend to get quite condescending & naggy and I HATE it. At the end of the day i'm left feeling guilty for how I am, and feeling like I have to apologise for everything, even when it's not necessary!

I also let crap from the past ruin current situations, so what i've been telling myself lately is to not dwell on sh*t now, or sooner or later, i'll be whinging about how I spent all my time sulking about crap that couldn't be changed.

All we can do is be ourselves, the best ourselves we can. It'd be great if things just magically worked without all the pain & effort it takes sometimes, but most of the time, it's the pain that you get through & push past that make the relationships worth it and stronger in the long run.

But, if all she has to have a go at you about is cleaning - she should count herself a lucky woman! She's still with you, so she either doesn't see your flaws so obviously, or she does, and she's willing to work past it with you - what you are describing though, not only sounds like me, but A LOT of people I know in committed relationships. If it were all roses, it'd get a little boring! ;p

Originally posted by Swanseadog
reply to post by melsbells137

 

So true we are ingrained with so much learned behavior from our parents that we take into our adult life, it takes time to become our own self and outgrow those behaviors, parents are our role models in our formative years so any flaws they have can be ingrained in ourselves, I feel for this guy, but I am sure he can sort it out one way or another, it takes a lot of guts to bare your soul on a site like this.

I was just telling my partner the other day, it's really not until you have your own kids that you actually realise, how odd* your own parents are & how many issues they pass along! It's crazy how quickly i've learnt that my mother is a strange, strange woman!

(* I may have used 'odd' instead of another word due to the T&C ;p)

reply to post by bkaust


This is so, but lets not forget they learned it all from their parents and then picked up a few more flaws on the way through life, we are controlled from birth till death and we learn from the enviroment around us, so if we hook up with people who are more frugged up than ourselves we take on board some of their behaviors.

reply to post by OzWeatherman


I think you should print this post out, put it in an envelope, draw a heart on it and leave it next to her pillow

Originally posted by OzWeatherman

- I have trouble trying to say things to her. For example, due to my past (not going public with that stuff just now), I have issues with how I say things. Sometimes, the tone of my voice and the way in which I present certain words can be taken as being derogatory.....I dont mean it obviously, but there's no excuse for it, and we are both tired of me saying sorry.

Crikey Oz you sound like my husband. She needs to let it slid of her shoulder and just ignore you, as I do to my husband 50% of the time. I don’t know what you can do about this, I point it out to my husband all the time. But he still does it .
Just try and put more love into your words. Think of how much you love her before speak.

Half of the time I swear my husband would be better of being single. Well I threaten him with it all the time lol

Originally posted by OzWeatherman
- Im not clean enough. For example, she is a complete neat freak, which in my opinion is a good thing. However, after I cleaned up our garden the other day I offered to vaccum the house so she could relax a bit, and after some gentle persuasion that I could do a good job I got to it. And yep, I screwed up, missed a few spots.

My advice here. Do it because you want to, don’t do it to get her approval. And if she complains tell her it’s your house too and you’ll do it anyway you dam well please.

“well I’m not put off with your negativity, I had a great time vacuuming. It was cool fun”
That’s what I would have said to my husband lol.

And you know what, things go both ways, who cares if it’s not to each other’s satisfaction. Seriously it’s easier to hold someone and give them a kiss than it is to go all crazy over vacuuming the bloody floor.

hell come over to my house, ill hug anyone for doing my dishes , vacuuming and gardening.
If I ask my husband even once to do something, he thinks I'm nagging.

I have to make him think it was his idea, and what such a good idea I thought he had.

Originally posted by OzWeatherman

- I take things to heart to often. How do I not do this? Is it my own fault for letting stuff get to me? Im really confused about this, and I feel like a real week person for actually admitting that I shed tears a couple of times. That has never happened to me before...I just dont cry

- Im think too much sometimes and dont think enough other times. For example, I tend to dwell on mistakes Ive made, and my past, rather than look to the future. And other times I simply dont think and stuff things up. I need advice on how to get the median, because Im really having trouble.

It’s good to cry, it’s a form of release. Do you think tear ducts are just to wash your eyeballs. Your human its emotion. Crikey you’d be a fool if you think not all men do this sometimes.

You think too much or you don’t think enough. You need to learn to meditate. Actually what would be better for you is Tai Chi classes. It’s cool and still manly enough for the aussie bloke.