Have You and Your Spouse Become Roommates ?

I've been married for 12 years 2 months 25 days and almost 16 hours.

We've had our issues and could have divorced several times but always decided against it.
When people are together for several years, you become ordinary, you're the obsolete one, there's something new that comes into view that looks all dazzled up and pretty and we get caught up in the moment and thats when the fights start. Then you realize that you could lose everything that got you to the point that you're at. Sometimes people make the right choice and stay together, but 50% of the time or more they leave the relationship and move on to the next thing that sparkles enough to catch their eye.
I've seen the sparkles, and i've even played with them a little. I wouldn't give up my family for it though. When it comes to needing the care of others or the support of someone you trust, nothing compares to the love of the one you're with. They know what makes you tick, they know what makes you break and they know what makes you explode.

reply to post by sugarcookie1


Me and my ex- wife grew that far apart that we divorced last week. I dont know when or how our love started to fall apart, but it did, and once it started we couldn't find that Love again. We were together for 15yrs (married for 10). She was 16, I was 18. when we met.
I realised we weren't happy,( Money probs) But i didn't think she would of walked away. In hind sight there was countless things i, we, could have done to stop us parting but we didnt try and now its to late to change a thing. I still love her, always will, but she's mine no more.
So to all those that feel they are growing apart from their partner and you still love them, Try to change your ways now before its to late.

reply to post by meathed





Wow im not the only 1........been in a relationship now for 8yeras next week.......so true i feel more like flatmates now. I think alot of problems comes from financial situations.
But im relieved now to see im not the only 1.

Originally posted by EdOfTheDead
I've been married for 12 years 2 months 25 days and almost 16 hours.

We've had our issues and could have divorced several times but always decided against it.
When people are together for several years, you become ordinary, you're the obsolete one, there's something new that comes into view that looks all dazzled up and pretty and we get caught up in the moment and thats when the fights start. Then you realize that you could lose everything that got you to the point that you're at. Sometimes people make the right choice and stay together, but 50% of the time or more they leave the relationship and move on to the next thing that sparkles enough to catch their eye.
I've seen the sparkles, and i've even played with them a little. I wouldn't give up my family for it though. When it comes to needing the care of others or the support of someone you trust, nothing compares to the love of the one you're with. They know what makes you tick, they know what makes you break and they know what makes you explode.

EdOfTheDead what a wonderful post you put it into the perfect wording..and i agree there is nothing better then the love of the one you're with i know it is for me.. they know what makes you tick, they know what makes you break and they know what makes you explode that's 100 per cent true i couldn't have said it better..

Originally posted by meathed
reply to post by sugarcookie1

 

Me and my ex- wife grew that far apart that we divorced last week. I dont know when or how our love started to fall apart, but it did, and once it started we couldn't find that Love again. We were together for 15yrs (married for 10). She was 16, I was 18. when we met.
I realised we weren't happy,( Money probs) But i didn't think she would of walked away. In hind sight there was countless things i, we, could have done to stop us parting but we didnt try and now its to late to change a thing. I still love her, always will, but she's mine no more.
So to all those that feel they are growing apart from their partner and you still love them, Try to change your ways now before its to late.

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce.. Its to bad we cant make time go back and change things that we know now.( Try to change your ways now before its to late) that's good advice..thanks for the reply

reply to post by thedevos1


Yes, money, the cause of and cure of all of lifes problems. But as they saying goes, money can't buy you love. And your not the only one, There would be millions around the globe that are losing that spark that their love had once been. The fire dims for many. But its up to you to restart that fire before it goes out. As once it goes out, its out for good. Good luck

reply to post by sugarcookie1


Thanks sugarcookie, Yes a time machine would be good. But i wouldn't be the only one that would want to use it to fix their mistakes. There would be one huge line up for that ride. Thanks for letting me share.

I think that people have overblown expectations.

I heard sex described as "mind blowing". I - literally - expected my mind to be - blown out.

Or "seeing God". I literally expected to see some "god" or "fireworks" during sex.

True love? I'm hearing Jerry Vale crooning "Love is a Many Splendored Thing"


You know what the problem is? We have all been trained to expect some overblown BS.

None of it is true, its is all BS.

We hear over dramatic wording, and we thus expect some "magical" drug like thing.

It isn't. NOTHING in life is.

Sure, sex is nice - but an orgasm will NOT "blow your mind". Only a severe brain injury will truly "blow" your mind.

It is just the same as any other advertising.

No, Yoplait Yogurt is NOT "Sooooooooooooooooooo Goooooooooooooooooooooooooood".

It won't make you see Jesus, nor is it very good at all. Tastes like vomit, as does all yogurt.

But we believe the hype.

And then we think there is something wrong with us, or the person we are with, or our situation.

No, it is just advertising.

Consider yourself lucky if you have a person / significant other you can mostly get along with.

I would be happy to have a "regular guy" and just have a "boring life". That IS life. Life is NOT TV nor advertising nor some overblown emotion meant to sell something.

I just happened to be discussing such things with a friend of mine. They agreed, and actually 'sent me back to reality'. I was complaining that I felt something was *wrong* with me - because I do not feel like a "drug high" from friends and family or any potential significant other - I get this idea in my head that - unless you're seeing Fireworks, or "God", and hearing some schmaltzy love song playing - there must be something wrong with you.

My friend said - that is just overblown rhetoric from advertising, it is not reality.

That makes sense.

If we can see that "hype" over such things like an Ipad or a Segway - is nothing but BS - we should see that all this "hype" over relationships and "the perfect person" who will bring you drug like euphoria - is nothing but a bunch of BS too.

I have to say,yes the fire dies down,almost out.
Then you kinda go in to survival mode ,like,hey its getting cold and if
I don't restart this fire I may die.
My wife and I have come so very close to letting that fire die,
then realizing at the last moment that we need each other
and the fire to survive.

Originally posted by kdog1982
I have to say,yes the fire dies down,almost out.
Then you kinda go in to survival mode ,like,hey its getting cold and if
I don't restart this fire I may die.
My wife and I have come so very close to letting that fire die,
then realizing at the last moment that we need each other
and the fire to survive.

Hi Kdog, well said. I like the way you put that, Survival Mode. If only i had your survival guide book years ago. It may helped.

Originally posted by meathed

Originally posted by kdog1982
I have to say,yes the fire dies down,almost out.
Then you kinda go in to survival mode ,like,hey its getting cold and if
I don't restart this fire I may die.
My wife and I have come so very close to letting that fire die,
then realizing at the last moment that we need each other
and the fire to survive.

Hi Kdog, well said. I like the way you put that, Survival Mode. If only i had your survival guide book years ago. It may helped.

Survival mode is when you live in two different houses,
sharing the kids,the bills and such.
Then you wake up !

Originally posted by Whiffer Nippets
I think that people have overblown expectations.

I heard sex described as "mind blowing". I - literally - expected my mind to be - blown out.

Or "seeing God". I literally expected to see some "god" or "fireworks" during sex.

True love? I'm hearing Jerry Vale crooning "Love is a Many Splendored Thing"

You know what the problem is? We have all been trained to expect some overblown BS.

None of it is true, its is all BS.

We hear over dramatic wording, and we thus expect some "magical" drug like thing.

It isn't. NOTHING in life is.

Sure, sex is nice - but an orgasm will NOT "blow your mind". Only a severe brain injury will truly "blow" your mind.

It is just the same as any other advertising.

No, Yoplait Yogurt is NOT "Sooooooooooooooooooo Goooooooooooooooooooooooooood".

It won't make you see Jesus, nor is it very good at all. Tastes like vomit, as does all yogurt.

But we believe the hype.

And then we think there is something wrong with us, or the person we are with, or our situation.

No, it is just advertising.

Consider yourself lucky if you have a person / significant other you can mostly get along with.

I would be happy to have a "regular guy" and just have a "boring life". That IS life. Life is NOT TV nor advertising nor some overblown emotion meant to sell something.

I just happened to be discussing such things with a friend of mine. They agreed, and actually 'sent me back to reality'. I was complaining that I felt something was *wrong* with me - because I do not feel like a "drug high" from friends and family or any potential significant other - I get this idea in my head that - unless you're seeing Fireworks, or "God", and hearing some schmaltzy love song playing - there must be something wrong with you.

My friend said - that is just overblown rhetoric from advertising, it is not reality.

That makes sense.

If we can see that "hype" over such things like an Ipad or a Segway - is nothing but BS - we should see that all this "hype" over relationships and "the perfect person" who will bring you drug like euphoria - is nothing but a bunch of BS too.

edit on 25-2-2011 by Whiffer Nippets because: (no reason given)

Whiffer Nippets thanks for your post..I'm not sure how to reply to you..I was never taught to expect some overblown BS from sex i never had a mind blowing orgasm but Ive had some good onesI married my husband 6 years ago i never had a date before that or went to bed with anyone else before or since i wasn't sure what to expect ..but i can tell you this i married a regular guy he is everything i ever wanted in a man and yes some days with him are boring that has to be expected...But in my eyes he is the perfect man when i have time i will post about my life with my husband its been a wild ride but i have nothing but pure respect for this man i will do anything to keep my marriage from becomeing the perfect room mate

reply to post by sugarcookie1


Your thoughts and experiences seem grounded in reality! It is too bad that more people are not as level headed.

Consider some of the things one can read here. Many people seem to have based their opinions and expectations on what they have seen on TV. From young kids hoping for super models to others pining away for "the 50s way of life."

Ah, but reality is not TV. I worry for such people; I also worry that I will meet someone who has unreasonable expectations. But, I will cross that path when I come upon it.

Originally posted by Whiffer Nippets
reply to post by sugarcookie1

 

Your thoughts and experiences seem grounded in reality! It is too bad that more people are not as level headed.

Consider some of the things one can read here. Many people seem to have based their opinions and expectations on what they have seen on TV. From young kids hoping for super models to others pining away for "the 50s way of life."

Ah, but reality is not TV. I worry for such people; I also worry that I will meet someone who has unreasonable expectations. But, I will cross that path when I come upon it.

As they say sometimes you have to kiss alot of frogs before you find the perfect person..And no reality is not TV or what they show in magazines i think people are almost pushed to be like these people..(example) thin and beautiful or wearing the latest fashion and marriage is a bed of roses ..But i also believe people are wakening up and getting tired off being manipulated..I'm sure you will be just fine communicate with the person you meet and tell them what your expectations are if they don't match up with yours move on there is alot of fish in the sea

One thing i have noticed is to many people spending to much time on the computer and not enough time with there relationship..Ive seen divorces over the darn computer even in my family..

I'm on the computer 8 hrs a day or more, at work. The LAST thing I want to see when I'm home is a computer screen. I'll typically log in on Sat morning, but just to check e-mail or finalize weekend plans...and then only for maybe an hr or so. Otherwise, after working hours, I'm in Real Life mode.

One point of contention though, is our idea of relaxing. For her, watching mindless TV is relaxing. While I have a few can't miss shows (V, Fringe, Survivor, etc.), other than those, I could care less, and would rather play a video game and blow some stuff up or kill enemies as a diversion. While she occasionally enjoys games too, it's more when she's obsessed with a new game. Once that ember dies, she could care less about it, and may never play it again. (whereas I define a good game by whether or not I could put it in and just play it for an hour and enjoy myself).

Sometimes, I'd just be happy taking a nap...which she'd point out as "wasting time that could be spent doing housework" (we both work, so we both do housework).... There's a reason we have days off though. It isn't to do errands. It's so we can rest and recuperate for the next week!

Originally posted by Gazrok

One thing i have noticed is to many people spending to much time on the computer and not enough time with there relationship..Ive seen divorces over the darn computer even in my family..

I'm on the computer 8 hrs a day or more, at work. The LAST thing I want to see when I'm home is a computer screen. I'll typically log in on Sat morning, but just to check e-mail or finalize weekend plans...and then only for maybe an hr or so. Otherwise, after working hours, I'm in Real Life mode.

One point of contention though, is our idea of relaxing. For her, watching mindless TV is relaxing. While I have a few can't miss shows (V, Fringe, Survivor, etc.), other than those, I could care less, and would rather play a video game and blow some stuff up or kill enemies as a diversion. While she occasionally enjoys games too, it's more when she's obsessed with a new game. Once that ember dies, she could care less about it, and may never play it again. (whereas I define a good game by whether or not I could put it in and just play it for an hour and enjoy myself).

Sometimes, I'd just be happy taking a nap...which she'd point out as "wasting time that could be spent doing housework" (we both work, so we both do housework).... There's a reason we have days off though. It isn't to do errands. It's so we can rest and recuperate for the next week!

That is where my wife and I have come to,we don't have to run around,do this,get this,fix that right now.
It was to much for us and causing undo stress.
Cause there is nothing better than an afternoon nap,after doing nothing all day with your spouse.
Thats how we recharge our batteries and stay connected,cause once you start to lose that connection,
it's a free fall to divorce.

So ,here's one.
We both work,she makes a little more money then I.
She works longer hours then I do,but occasionaly I'm on call to go out in the middle of the night.
So I do my more then fair share of the chores.
I cook 5 nights out of the week,we go out for 1, then she cooks sunday dinner.
If I start to get a little lazy,say I had a really crazy day at work,and just don't do the dishes
or the trash is overflowing and not taking out,then by God,we all pay for her ranting and raging.
And I vacuum,well it's not good enough.She will do it again.
I work a dangerous,physically demanding job.
She is an adminastrator for a school district.
But on the every once in awhile she will call me lazy and that I don't do anything when she is angry.
Just had to vent and throw that out there!

That is generally the complaint I make when I'm not getting my way, or am doing what feels like more of the chores.

The truth is, I am a bit of a cold fish. When I feel this way, I remember to give her a little pat on the rear end as she walks through the room. It always gets a smile, and dissolves any tension that is building up between us.

She will often ask me for a back-rub. Now, there's nothing like having a woman hike up her top and lean over a chair to get my imagination stirring. I have to remind myself that sometimes all she wants really is a back rub. But it always gets me going, and more than one of our children started out as a back rub. I never had a roommate like that in college!

Whiffer nippets is right on a couple of points, and I often don't agree with his/her posts. But the fact is, If you are a basically good person, you ought to make a good spouse for about half of the singles out there; ok, maybe a third anyway.

One of the things we do is eat together as a family, with no TV blaring from the other room. We also go on an evening walk as an entire clan. When the money is tight, and we cannot afford a baby sitter, we entertain ourselves by trying to sneak around and have sex without our kids noticing down the hall. It's almost as exciting as the high school years.

You cannot be a lover if you don't spend meaningful time every day with the other person. Otherwise, you're not sharing a life---you're just sharing housework.

Not to offend anyone posting here, but to be honest....reading all of your posts reminds me once again of why I am single.....and reaffirms the fact that Im happy about it.


Nothing worse in the world than being in a really bad relationship, where it is endless nit picking and bickering and always having to cater to the mood swings and whims of someone else.

Being alone may not keep you warm at night, but the personal freedom is second to none. I can remember being stuck in a bad relationship that I couldnt get out of and it brings back such negative feelings and emotions.

Being chained to another human being with all of their faults, flaws and insecurities is no small ordeal. I can't even fathom being married and legally bound to someone who could devestate all that you have worked for in the blink of an eye. No thanks.

Best of luck to you all.

While no marriage is perfect, we have discovered a few things that help us feel connected and in love We still consider ourselves in the “honeymoon stage” of marriage as we have only just entered our 6th year of marriage. It hasn’t all been rainbows and unicorns, but we know that a successful marriage takes work and we are enjoying the journey together.

My husband is ex military and older then me,I never dreamed anyone would even want me but he did we dont sleep together never have, sex comes in spurts but if we cant have full blown sex we figure other ways out to enjoy those things weather it be masturbation or what ever we use our imagination because we refuse to let the fire die.

My husband married me knowing my illness and everyday would be a challange for both of us,we make sure everyday at dinner time to ask how our day went and talk about what bothers us and how we can make this problem better its all about comunication,we make sure each day to hug each other and say i love you, and never go to bed mad..

When you love someone, you love every part of them, coughing, medication,mucus, oxygen tanks, bowel problems, IV antibiotics, infertility,cronic pain, and hospital stays included. I mean honestly, everybody has problems and every marriage has problems. Whether it's mental illness, crazy in-laws, cancer, financial struggles and the list goes on..

Marriages can survive almost anything. But there needs to be sufficient desire from both parties to want to put things right,Love will not hold a marriage together when there is no respect, trust, or commitment...From what ive read from most of your posts is alot of love! come on 20 years together that says something to me you just need to work together for the solution to make your bonds stronger..

I hope i didnt bore everyone to death and thanks for reading and im not giveing anyone advice its just my outlook on marriage and mine is far from perfect,Its been a huge challange for both of us, alot of ups and downs and its been a wild ride
~~cookie