Have You and Your Spouse Become Roommates ?

reply to post by NoRegretsEver


Thank you, I already had my thread here, now its time for me to encourage other people who need it. Just knowing one person cares can go a long way.

reply to post by LoverBoy


We are here and care and been there done that kinda thing.Any alien news??

reply to post by LoverBoy


That's very thoughtful as is the OP, sometimes things need to be discussed, and sometimes we have to be careful where we disclose certain things. Many are not willing to be open. But its always worth a try. The worst thing someone can say is no, then thats it, but you never know you can really be a friend for someone else.

Peace, NRE.

reply to post by kdog1982


None that I know of, unless you want to call women aliens. Sorry I had to..

I want to thank everyone that's posted on this topic its one that's puzzled me for a long time and you have opened my eyes to alot of things on this subject and i care alot about people

My wife and I have just "celebrated" twenty years of marriage.....ho hum. It seems we are more of companions these days. The children have become the main focus. I still love her....but....

Interesting topic, and some very valid responses. This May I'll have been married to my wife for 17 years, and together for several years before that. There's been ups and downs, but definitely more good times than bad. I think a big problem today is that people just expect a marriage to work without putting any effort into it. Its really like a garden. If you water it, and weed it and pay attention to it, it will grow and flourish. If you don't, it will gradually wither away. Just like a garden, people grow and change over the years. I'm not the same person at 42 that I was at 22, or even at 32. It's unrealistic to expect that your spouse won't change either. Couples need to take time out from their busy life to just enjoy each other. Date night once a week or doing silly little things together will keep the passion alive and not allow you to become 2 people living separate lives. To all the people in that situation now, ask yourself what made you fall in love with your spouse. Have an open and honest talk with them. Maybe they feel the same way but are afraid to say something or maybe they have a different perspective on how things got where they are. A marriage doesn't get into trouble overnight and it won't get repaired overnight. It's Friday, and hopefully the start of a marriage rekindling for some. Good luck.

Good topic.

My husband and I are looking forward to our 15th anniversary in May. It's been a long, sometimes hard, but joyful journey, and we're nowhere near done yet. I do believe it's true that our modern technology can divide families if we're not careful about it. A typical weeknight at our house would look like this...our kiddo has his video game time, I might be catchin' some tv I enjoy, and hubby may be chatting online in another room. An hour later, the three of us are playing a boardgame together, or some other activity. At other times, one might be reading, the other drawing, and the husband is out on the Harley. It's healthy for all members of a family to have their own interests, what's important is that ample time is made to commune together as a family as well. And let's not forget about date nights for parents! We as loving couples and parents need to lead our children in this way...they need to know what healthy loving relationships are all about.

*steps down off soapbox*

Peace and love to ya'll

I love my wife, and she loves me.
But, we've had a lot going on lately in our lives, and it's really kind of caused the "roommate" condition (at least temporarily).

First off, she's got a chronic pain condition. I'm a very sexual guy, but I "get it" that she isn't going to be up for all that, that often, and I've come to terms with that. However, lately there have been even more "things" clouding our lives lately. But, like most husbands, I can usually count on "certain" holidays for that kind of thing (Anniversary, Valentines Day, Birthday). Nope, none of those for me lately.

Her mother went into a coma about 6 months ago. Since then, her life has revolved around checking in on her each day, comforting her mom's partner (lesbian relationship for over 26yrs), etc. Ok, I get that too, and I feel for her...I really do. But, at the same time, a) her mom has caused her a LOT of grief in her life (too much to even mention here), and b) she really wasn't that close to her at all. In addition, yes, I know it's her mom, but she's in a coma...there's really not much that a daily visit is going to do. In the meantime, we have a life to live too...but my wife wouldn't go along with it. She's alienated friends, and even me a bit, during all of this.

I actually got her to go on a cruise recently, mostly because we had already paid for it, and that helped some...but there was one night we got into an argument. She was telling me she felt like I was somehow distant. No, really? Gee, is it because maybe I went from being the most important person in her life to the THIRD (behind her mom and her mom's partner) most important? She said that hurt her. And it doesn't hurt me? Really? She just can't accept it's true...and yet for these months, any of my needs (any needs, not talking just sex here) came third (and were usually simply discarded). And if I tried to communicate on it, I'm seen as some kind of monster with the "Well, your mom isn't in a coma" retort. Does that make me any less her spouse or a person?

To make it worse, her mother died (on Valentine's Day..so now that holiday is pretty much forever ruined) a couple days after getting back from the cruise (and one of our cats was attacked by dogs and killed just before the cruise). We spend days making the arrangements (though it did help in mending fences with our wonderful friends), and the day after the funeral, she gets in a car accident. (car is totaled, but she is just banged and bruised a bit). So, just more fuel to the "me, me, me" fire she's got going.... Now, granted, I love and care for my wife, but at some point, there's got to be some reciprocation here and she has to realize that she isn't the only one getting shafted here...this is getting beyond ridiculous.

I hate to say it, but I think her mom's passing will help. For starters, her mom isn't in pain anymore, and they won't have to make that Terry Schiavo decision. Also, her life won't revolve around visiting the hospital or nursing home. Also, I'm sure reconnecting with friends will help... I just hope I can endure the time it's going to take to try and get back to some degree of normalcy here. Am I just way off base here though? Am I being a monster or insensitive? I try to be the good husband, I really do. I do love her, but man, there's only so much "worse" one can take in the "for better or worse" vow. Anyhoo, just needed to vent, I'm always the optimist, and I'm sure things will improve...just man, it sucks during the process.

Even my girlfriend and I fall into this trap now and again. We talk openly about it and make plans to solve the distance issue, like planning a trip alone together or just doing something alone with each other that promote conversation. That is what a relationship is, right, communication?

I believe most of us, speaking for the 20-40 year olds, grew up in dysfunctional families (50% divorce rate) like I did and have to relearn how to have a relationship that is productive and successful. If courtship was longer maybe you could for see these problems sooner and not made such a commitment, on this track these relationships will end in divorce unless change is applied.

At this point you have to really be honest with yourself and your partner about the situation. I had really good advice from my grandmother before she passed,

"To make it last you both can never fall out of love at the same time, if you see your partner losing that special feeling for you it is your duty to work 150% until the love is re-kindled and hopefully she will do the same"

My grandparents were married for 53 years before she passed in Dec. I wonder how many relationships last that long from my parents generation, (10-20%) which is sad, hopefully our generation can do better.....step up and make it happen....

"To make it last you both can never fall out of love at the same time, if you see your partner losing that special feeling for you it is your duty to work 150% until the love is re-kindled and hopefully she will do the same"

Interesting. I think that's probably true...just that I've been pulling that 150% for a while now...but I think there's enough love there for me to continue to do so. I just hope I never have to reach a break point.

"To make it last you both can never fall out of love at the same time, if you see your partner losing that special feeling for you it is your duty to work 150% until the love is re-kindled and hopefully she will do the same"



that is one of the best quotes i have ever seen. a very good lesson there. I myself have the same problem many of you have had on here. And as another poster here has stated I too am a very sexual guy. I have even considered getting help as people have mentioned it to me before. However before you get the wrong ideas, I’m not out there just banging away on any person and cheating left and right. I am faithful to my girlfriend. However I do enjoy sex. And like most people here I too complain of the lack of it in our relationship. I always joke to myself when you see these people that have been married for 5-20 years and all of the sudden the man cheats. The first question I think is “I wonder when the last time they had sex was?” I can pretty much guarantee that they have not had sex in quite a while. So what is the guy to do? I would much rather have sex with my girlfriend but if I go months without it then yes I am going to start looking. I will try to stay out of situations where I know something can happen. But if I find myself in one will I be strong enough to resist? On top of all that I am a police officer. We have a 75% divorce rate. Mostly from us cheating as we are in the society all the time, we have a badge and power that some women like, and we are pretty much allowed to ride around and do whatever we want. Believe me I have seen plenty do it. Everything from separate girlfriends to prostitutes. It’s not pretty and I want no part of that. The other side is that many people do not know the stress and anguish we see every day. A prime example is I just left a call of a white male that fell out in our city hall with a heart attack. I gave CPR for 10 minutes (a LONG time if you have never done it!) and then watched helplessly as fire and ambulance took over. It is heart breaking. As of now I am hoping he pulls through as we did get a pulse and breathing back. We shall see. However the woman I am currently with is very understanding and she comes from a emergency family (all involved with police or fire in some way). She does understand it and has a somewhat morbid fascination with it. My main gripe would be that she wants to talk about it too much and I just want to bury it and let it be. I just don’t think she has seen all of it and wants to “prove” how strong she is. Kinda pisses me off. However I am trying everyday to make it work as I do care for her greatly. But I want some of this returned. We live together and I pay all the bills. I also do about 90% of the house work on top of all the yard work. I don’t argue about it and I just do it. However a little help would be nice. Also she is VERY hormonal. However I don’t know what I can do about that lol. I mean she can get up one day and want to have sex 3-4 times. Then she doesn’t want me to touch her for months at a time. I mean really? What the hell am I supposed to do about that? Sex is not just about you. Here lately we have gotten to the roommate position and when I mention it we get into this huge fight and then she is better for a week or so. Then we are back to this area again. The damn dog is happier to see me than she is.

Anyway thanks for letting me rant and I guess this is what this thread is for.

reply to post by kdog1982


You bring up an important point: the technology. If folks turned off the TVs and the cell phones, the computers and the Blackberries, sat down and looked one another in the eye and spoke to one another, many of these 'room mate' situations would never have arisen.

I haven't watched television for years, and my partner and I have dinner together every evening, without exception. We are definitely NOT room mates!

reply to post by sempul


I sincerely hope you are getting something out of this relationship, because it sounds awful. I would move on if I were you. You deserve better. A individual who contributes little to nothing to a relationship does not deserve to be in it, and your current partner sounds like a real user.

The very best of luck to you.

Also she is VERY hormonal. However I don’t know what I can do about that lol. I mean she can get up one day and want to have sex 3-4 times. Then she doesn’t want me to touch her for months at a time. I mean really? What the hell am I supposed to do about that?

Yep, sometimes... in the off-chance she is feeling amorous, it's either go with it, or go without for even longer. (and usually at the most inconvenient times, like when we can't possibly spend time indulging in it, so its then like a tease.)

Don't get me wrong, there are times when it's wonderful too, and we have a lot of good times also. The experts define a "sexless" marriage as anything less than 10 times a year, in case anyone was wondering, so you can use that as a good gauge. However, this is the MINIMUM, not the RECOMMENDATION ladies... (and then yes, they wonder why guys cheat?)... Not saying I would, just isn't part of my nature...but I have developed more of an understanding on why folks do....and my resistance to such temptation is likely a lot less than it was in the past.

I guess the good news is that I don't WANT it to be this way, and do want to strive to improve things and get back to where we were before all of this tragedy. I'm hoping we can (even banking on it really), but venting here helps.

My wife and I have been married for just over 8 years. The love is still there. The romance is still there. The togetherness is still there. We have simple little rules that we agreed on very early in our relationship although I feel the effect of these is actually minimal on our marriage. First and foremost is there are no extra TVs in any of the bedrooms in the house. Just one in our livingroom and one in our study. It forces the family to come together. It forces discussion and fosters mutual respect.
We drive each other absolutely insane and it is a good thing. Never back down from your partner. Never let them back down from you. Never put yourself in a position to have that mutual respect lost or diminished. That in my opinion is the key. Respect! When your self respect begins to fall how can you respect others even those who are closest to you.

funny thing is ive coined that phrase last year with the love of my life many times,she grew cold and distant with the usual relationship flaws on both parts and when i tried to conciously be the best person i could be it wouldnt help and the more cold distance i encountered with her drove me crazy, and it would spout off more arguing and griping, she moved out but we some how stay togeather in a "relationship" i.e "taken" label, i lost my job and my plae cuzz i could no longer afford it,had nowhere to go,i asked her if i could move in since we were still "togeather" but she denied me and said i like living alone and i dont want u being there all the time, yet she got mad when i announced the news that i was moving from washington state where she is to san diego CA to live with friends,we still talk and are "taken", and its even more emotional turmoil because neather one of us knows for sure if we are being true to one another, i know i havent done anything but she doesnt know for sure just like i dont on her part. plus she has a tendancy to avoid important issues in a convo and doesnt share feelings as comfortably as i do, i asked her since she wants to get married and have a kid,if when i move back if i can stay there,she still says no,so then, what is my incentive to move back,how is being married with children supposed to work if she doesnt want me living with her, i love woman and i know if it wasnt for the unity of man and woman we wouldnt be here, but you B---h's are wierd lol thinking only with emotion instead of logic

Just remember, a bad spouse will likely become a terrible ex. This is something I have picked up from observing others. Especially if one partner is particularly unhealthy in their thinking, and the other is more healthy: The healthy person limits the unhealthy person's behaviour, and often stabilizes their thinking a little too.

Confrontation and boundaries: If you have an spouse with deeply unhealthy thinking, you will need to set up some reasonable boundaries and stick to them. It will be a battle of the heart and mind.

Natural order: There is a natural order to things. Men and women are equivalent, but not equal in all ways. I honestly believe the man is the head of the home. That is head when it comes to the most critical decisions, the highest responsibilities, and head when it comes to leading reconciliation. Fight for her, you men. She might even want you to. If you show you don't believe in your marriage, she will follow. She may be hinting at wanting a split - but when a man states the same view, that reinforces it. Note: the head needs to love his wife - in the most gentle and long-suffering definitions of the word. ALSO - as head, you MUST LISTEN to your wife. Not always easy, but you need her advice, her intuition, and she needs your ears and heart. AND you can't keep her by force - if she truly independently chooses to leave, there is sadly little you can do to stop her.

I'm a guy. I made a big decision as 'head' a couple of years ago. NO MORE TV. It was hard, and I had to fight all the way. My wife just said last night that it was the best decision WE ever made. Our aerial is unplugged, DVDs and online stuff only now - all very much empowering. Our relationship was being influenced by the media, and we were consuming it like force-fed-geese. Funny, my wife seeing it as our joint decision, when it was my leading one. But that comes back to the natural order of things. And really that said that she followed in agreement.


Advice to someone with an unhealthy spouse/relationship, make sure you go for plenty of walks - or retreat to wherever you need to. Try and find some good support - so you don't find yourself brought down too far. But you may find that you are on your own. Personally I say turn to Yeshua Christ - but that's another thread altogether. Do you believe in God? In the bible? Then read what Christ had to say about divorce. My wife and I both believe marriage by definition is for life.

To those who've divorced, I'm not here to judge you, I have divorced friends, and I know that even our marriage has only persisted through the grace of God. Married 16 years. A lot of hard yards, but I am thankful for our mutual commitment. The last few years have yielded some especially sweet times, and we now have hope for the future. She's worth it, and our family is worth it. If you've bothered to read this entire post, then my hat off to you, and a blessing upon your heart.

reply to post by antoinemarionette


i know. But when its good its great. Plus you know the old saying, "The heart wants what the heart wants"

I think a lot of my problem is I had my “one true love” when I was in high school. You know when you have that moment when you see that person and it just clicks. Unfortunately for me youth and ignorance prevented me from making that happen. Even though we stay friends it is still difficult. This girl I’m with is someone I care very much for and we do have a relationship that is built on years of relationships. However I believe she is just immature to relationships. I know I am the first person that she has ever lived with and she is one of those persons that lets her mother run her life. She come from a very “woman ran” house and has been through about 3 divorces so she really does not know how a relationship is supposed to go. We constantly butt heads because she wants things her way and I am a VERY outspoken person who WILL NOT let someone run my life! As I have told her several times when we argue about sex, if you are unwilling to be with me and are going to try and control a relationship with (woman parts) then I’m sure I can find someone else that is more willing. She has made the statement before that this is my (woman parts) and I control when you get this. Of course my usual crass remark was “no you control THAT one. There are others out there. Which im sure you can guess how that went lol. So yeah it’s a battle but so far it’s a battle I feel is worth fighting.

Maybe there's too many options these days. I mean, you can always find something better.

Also, maybe everybody has watched too many romantic comedies and have been duped into thinking "romance" can last forever.

Two hundred plus years ago people's expectations probably weren't so high because their options were so limited. I think that's pretty obvious, maybe even so obvious that it was unnecessary for me to even say it. If you were a farmer.......screw romance. A man needed a strong and dependable woman that could take care of stuff. On the flip-side, a woman needed a strong non-metrosexual man that could get # done and provide. Love was probably stronger because of the incredible amount of trust in these relationships. Ya know, the type of relationship where actual survival depended on both parties pulling their weight. I can't imagine people sulking around and whining about how the romance was gone. I think you get the point.

*I'm generalizing quite a bit here and I would assume there are most definitely exceptions to the rule. I would also like to add that I have no definite facts to back up my statements.

Now, the question is whether or not what we've become is a good thing. Is it better to have way more options and avenues for meeting the "perfect" mate?

I think that sometimes once the infatuation of a new relationship wears off, we all revert back to wanting a tolerable relationship regardless of romance. Maybe once you've been together twenty or so years you shouldn't expect to have a fiery romance.