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I have a very hard time socially and in HS. Any advice?

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posted on Feb, 18 2011 @ 11:01 PM
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reply to post by RANDOMguess
 


I'm replying to randomguess to highlight his offering. some good stuff there...

I will add the following...

1. Listen to people when they talk--truly listen. Ask questions about what they are
saying and offer as little as possible. Just let them talk. (If someone has foot pain,
instead of telling them everything you know about gout or soft tissue injury, say
"I'll bet that really hurts when you climb stairs" etc.

With women this works ESPECIALLY well.

With men you'll often find yourself in instances of awkward silence, but maintain
a quiet confidence and don't crack. It's like a poker game, but people love to talk,
so just wait and be patient. Tis better to be quiet and thought a fool than to open your
mouth and remove all doubt.

2. Don't start sentences that begin with "I". Don't tell your story...let them tell theirs
and respond with interest. And NEVER try to "one-up" another person's story, even
if your story is leaps and bounds better.


These are rules that have worked well for me as a geek brained social awkward. I used to
just say whatever was in my head without any checks between my brain and my vocal
chords, but I realized that my thought processes weren't normal and I would often be
off-topic and awkward in a social setting. Now I just "zip-my-lip" regardless of how ill-at-ease
I feel by not opening up and running off at the mouth.

Hope that helps some...


Also, all the other posters have it right--high school may seem like the beginning and end
of the world, but it really is barely a blip on the radar of life. The ugly get pretty, the pretty get
fat. The popular fail, and the unpopular succeed...your future class reunions will prove me
right about this...good luck




posted on Feb, 18 2011 @ 11:17 PM
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Go to a speech group who will teach you how to communicate better, like Toastmasters or something. The fact you like socialising yet can't do it properly is the problem. You need to learn how to do it whereas some fall into it.
Look, I'd like to tell jokes but I can't, so I don't try because I can't. However, I found I could bring out some good one liners. I can now do some standup comedy if required.
You need to discover what you can't do and avoid it meantime and then find what you can do and extend that.

But... the most important thing is not to ask ATS, a bunc of alien believing, conspiracy phobic computer nerds like us about social issues. Your in the wrong forum. In fact don't go to ny forum. Go to the correct social channels in your school and get referrals to those who can really help you.



posted on Feb, 18 2011 @ 11:34 PM
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reply to post by mossme89
 


Hey man, I know how you feel and I can relate I gradutaed about 2 years ago and since then learned about my wrongs so heres some advice I wish someone would've given me. 1. Be yourself, if people cant handle that then they're not important. 2. know who you're friends are, if your "friends" screw you over or treat you almost like the others then they're not your real friends. 3. If somebody hits you hit them back, it will feel better than bottling it up hence school shootings, but never be the one to throw the first punch. 4. be mentally strong, if you do so things will pass right by without any care. 5. If you condemn yourself by speaking, dont speak, if you keep to yourself this will build curiosity, some chicks may be interested but most of all people will want to know more about you. 6. if thers a girl you want to date, dont let chances pass you by because once your out of HS you'll regret it. 7. have a future plan, many of the people who treat you like crap will become losers bottom feaders of society, theres is no better revenge than showing up at your reunion successful as the others only have enough to buy a twelve pack. 8. if needed do research learn why others act the way they do, and research anything you want to know. 9. don't become one of them, if you're nice remain so people will notice and admire that, also it proves strength if you can keep your head up. 10. don't be submissive to others stand your ground, if people see your not afraid they'll back off because they want a reaction which you aren't giving them. 11. thrive to be better, one thing I always noticed was chicks talking about some moron they just dated who didnt know what they were doing, and couldnt carry on a conversation. learn about how women think, find out what they like, listen, dont go in demanding to get laid, be patient. The chick will appreciate that and it will get around, girls talk always, so you've got one chance, because a chick doesnt want some guy who wants one thing although its in our dna, nonetheless, if you want to be a badass or something then go ahead some chicks want that "guy they can change" dont ask me why. 11. Final, live without regrets, have fun, find out what your flaws are and see if you can fix them. HS may seem like hell but who cares relax because it gets better once you're out you can make what you want of your life. Hope this helps.



posted on Feb, 18 2011 @ 11:51 PM
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reply to post by Gazrok
 


Sorry if it's in the previous 4 pages, but do you have an after school job? If not, this is GREAT for improving your social abilities.



I endorse this 100%

*


reply to post by RANDOMguess
 

Interesting practical advice. Sounds like you've been there. I don't agree with everything you say but I do agree with this:


The key thing your doing wrong is pointing the finger at yourself too much and not other people.

Yep. Whether you choose the friendly way (my way) or the mean way (your way), the point is to focus attention outward in company, not inward.

*


reply to post by Illusionsaregrander
 


I agree with pretty much what you have said, except that you should tailor what you are good at to other people. Thats just a higher order version of the Carnegie solution, and while it may not make other people think you are creepy and a fake, it will make you unhappy over time.

Thank you. I don't think I said you should 'tailor what you are good at to other people'. What I meant, essentially, is that you should concentrate on developing the most marketable skill you have. That is, if you're lucky enough to have a choice. If you don't, then the trick is to make your particular skill as marketable as possible. I don't necessarily mean 'marketable' in a commercial sense. I mean (a) becoming really good at it and (b) being willing to package it a bit, to play to the gallery just a little. That's okay, you know; it's what Shakespeare did, what Picasso did, what – seriously – Einstein did too. Even people like Beethoven, who would have flown into a towering rage if you accused him of caring what others thought, had his virtuoso side. To win respect, to get credit, you need, not just to be good at what you do, but to be seen to be good, too. And there's an art to it.

I'm ambivalent about 'fake it till you make it' advice; I've done that, and it seemed to me that the better I got at faking it, the more phoney making it seemed to become.

But these are subtleties, and it doesn't help the OP to get into them at this stage of the game. I didn't come on this thread to argue, anyway; I'm just trying to share some personal learning with someone who reminds me of my younger self.



posted on Feb, 18 2011 @ 11:55 PM
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reply to post by mossme89
 


dood, you seem like your are 40 years old.. like more mature or something, or an old soul or something. anyone sane would find highschool the hardest time in their lives. so you grew a heart a few years earlier than the rest of your peers, so what? some guys grow a full beard before they get out of highschool, but end up with a hairy back by the tme they are 24, and thats unattractive...so.. better to grow a heart early i guess than to be a badass. so admit you are a fkn emo and dont worry, me happy mon.



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 12:30 AM
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reply to post by mossme89
 


honestly...other than the bullying part...this was the story of my HS years... i know exactly how this feels and to some extent it still affects me... its still hard for me to meet new people and actually like them enough to want to be around them more than once...just hold your head high and get thru your senior year... college can be like a restarting point... thru my life until college i had 3 true friends and that was it, and sometimes i felt that even they werent good friends from time to time. but when college came around i found that acting to a social norm around people and just basically talking to everyone opened up many doors for friendship...dont go into very much detail at first about anything, keep everything generic. and when you actually get to know someone a little bit you can gradually open up more and more. this, honestly, is the best thing that has come out of my collegiate career. high school sucked. youre stuck with 1-2k people for 4 years. in college people come and go so you have alot more opportunity. you may have to go a little outside your comfort zone but you gotta risk it to get the biscuit. keep your head up keep confidence and just dont try to overdo it. overdoing it doesnt work i tried. best of luck to ya buddy



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 12:37 AM
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Originally posted by thisguyrighthere
Focusing on grades or social interaction in high school are equally worthless.

High school is perhaps the single most useless time of our lives and either ironically or cruelly the level of immaturity we all suffer through at that age make it all seem so much more important than it is.

Trust me, high school is worthless. Unless you plan on being a lifelong townie or peaking at 18 it's really a period of your life that will barely qualify as a footnote.

For the most part college is much the same.

You could get move on quicker by dropping out, getting that GED at 16 and heading off to college or trade school ASAP if either of those are your eventual plan.

High school is a waste. The whole public education thing could be condensed into half as many years considering how many hours each year are thrown away from 1st grade all the way to your senior year.


 
Posted Via ATS Mobile: m.abovetopsecret.com
 



With the exception of your opinion on dropping out and getting a GED, I agree with your experience and sentiment wholeheartedly.

Our young friend is knee-deep in a trying time. High school is a special level of Dante's Inferno that most suffer through. Social awkwardness is at every turn. The desire to fit in and be accepted by your peers is typical, its not fun being alone. meanwhile, your physiology is acclimating maturity to adulthood and hormones are raging beyond control - OMG i don't know why doctors don't prescribe teenage boys sedatives, birth control and a free pass to a house of ill repute. Thankfully HS boys have HS girls who are also eager to boogie, and that is a whole dynamic of pain in itself - the dating game.

What happened to me, and most people I've talked to younger or older than myself (I'm an old fart - when I was young it was pinball machines, vinyl LP record albums & cheap gas) was they found out that when they were out of high school just a little while their lives changed greatly. Friendships & relationships that we thought were incredibly important, friends we thought we would be with forever, quickly drifted away in the wind. If you know a lot of girls you will see several married quickly, young. By your mid to late 20's most of your guy friends will too have fallen to the evil of the altar as well. Suckers.

And you'll see that which you once held to be so important was just crap. The education system in America is not intended to most well suit students, or they would be parceled out to higher education instead of high school. Not everyone is college material, nor do they want to go. But a country needs people trained in all sorts of vocations, trades, technical fields. Instead of wasting teens for four years rehashing what they learned in grades 6,7,8 we should be preparing them to be all to fend for themselves in the world.

The most important thing I can tell the OP: the older I get the more I realize very few things mean a damn at all. Most of it is just crap. Most people may be well intentioned but most are idiots. Try different things, take a bite out of the many flavors of life; you only go around once. Become comfortable in your own skin; learn hat you like and do not like, get to know yourself, be honest with yourself. Think. Look around you and take it in from different angles, don't just believe what they tell you.

Most of what I learned in school was mis-leading, and designed to indoctrinate me to a world as the government body wants me to view it. I learned more about the real world by watching episodes of South Park. I'm not kidding.

For now: try to lighten up a little. everyone has to pay their dues. you are almost done with high school. as for finding a level of comfort amongst other people, making friends, social pressure and the discomfort of the changes you are going through - man, that's life. Don't beat up on yourself. Learn to relax, even if you have to pursue it. Some people like meditation, some get into jogging, whatever. Seek your bliss. Things will work out, and you will be okay.
edit on 2/19/2011 by LargeFries because: corrected word "do" to "don't", 'do' was the typo.



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 12:38 AM
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I posted earlier but your post got me thinking. I used to eat lunch alone all the time in lunch during HS b/c the few friends I did have, had a different lunch period than I did. I remember thinking when watching other kids jockey for a better seat during lunch or congregate around the "cool" table to be so tiresome. It always seemed to me to be such a waste of energy. And you know what? To this day, at 27, those one or two really good friends that I did have, I still see or talk to at least once a week. The problem with our culture these days is it seems to be so important to fit in or keep up with the latest gossip or fad...it's all crap. All of it. Once you experience the death of a friend or some sort of event that makes you really realize how fragile this whole house of cards is....you learn to appreciate what is real and true.

I have been through some rough times in my day. I am 27, I have been homeless, living out of my truck, working two menial jobs at at a time trying to save enough for a room. I now work as a Producer in an advertising agency for the last 5 years. I never would have made it without the help of my friends. At my low points they were there to keep me going and keep me looking ahead to the future. My point is, there are people JUST like you that sit next to you everyday. Keep reaching out to people. Keep smiling. You will find people whom you will make a lifetime connection with. There are people out there that think exactly like you and about the same things you do. Google has proven that.


One other thing, I saw someone else mention, I also wanted to give a shout out to other ATS members out there. I have been following this thread and there has been some great advice and I just want to say how proud I am to be part of a group of people that when put to the test, really exemplify what it is to be true models of compassion and understanding. Way to go guys. Seriously. Much love.



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 12:51 AM
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reply to post by mossme89
 


Yes, the ones who say it will all change in a few years are one hundred percent correct. A lot of us have gone through the exact same thing that you are. I can't say why exactly, but I think it just has to do with High-Schoolers being closed minded jack asses. Once you get to College, you will find a much more open minded group of people that will appreciate you, so much more. You just have to trust us on this one. Another thing you might want to research is Asperger's Syndrome (not sure if I spelled that right) You sound as if you may have it. I have it too, and yes we think a bit differently than the rest, and have a hard time relating.Trust me though, that is a good thing. Still it can make social interaction quite difficult, at times. Sometimes I feel like I am faking much of the time when I interact with people. Interacting with people that are different than us can be a challenge, but it is a learn-able skill just like anything else. All I can say, is that you will be SHOCKED at how much things WILL change once you are out of high school, and into college. I know that I was!



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 12:57 AM
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Read this highly rated and helpful book called " How to win friends and influence people " by Dale Carnegie. It would help you with the answers you seek as it has helped me tremendously. Cheers.



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 01:13 AM
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reply to post by mossme89
 


Hey bud , #1 S&F for the courage it takes to post something like that and the honesty that was put into it , it came across as honest and raw and that's a rarity these days.

High school was a rough time for most of us because you're really still trying to find your place and where you fit in, it comes with a lot of self doubt and uncertainty. My advice to you is to just be yourself, you'll never be happy living someone elses version of what you should be. Kids may not appreciate it because , well... they're kids and don't have enough life experience to understand true qualities in a person , qualities that YOU posses now are the ones that will be sought after once you become an adult , things like honesty , empathy, and being genuinely concerned about the well being of others.

Something that helped me personally was Judo , I enjoyed it and excelled at it and it gave me a certain confidence. In high school I knew I didn't want to be one of the clones so I decided to simply be the best ME I could be.

Just remember... IT GETS BETTER!!!



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 02:48 AM
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Dude, if you are still reading this far down in the thread, which i hope you are, there is one thing that you need to do is to remember these very wise words;


IF YOU DO WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS DONE, YOU'RE ALWAYS GONNA GET WHAT YOU ALWAYS GOT!!!!!

Do yourself a favour and read The Game by Neil Straus. You may think that its a book about picking up girls but its so much more than that. Our shortcomings on social behavior and such things are largely to blame on our friends and parents not setting us straight or helping us when we do something socially stupid. This book teaches you that. The equasion to happyness is HAPPINESS = social + health + money. Read a book its worth any mans time and its all true!

A healthy social life is most important, even at your age. You are all you have, this life is the only one you have, why not spend some time doing it right???

DONT BE YOURSELF!!! Thats the worst advise that anybody can give you.

And most importantly, get outside, everyday. Do something that scares you, Everyday! Have a solid conersation with a stranger at least once a day, EVERYDAY!

AND READ THAT BOOK!!!



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 02:49 AM
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Hey man, I have to say I am impressed by your post.

Many posts on this board are written poorly, with terrible grammar and spelling mistakes.

Yourt post was well written; you sound very intelligent.

Going from elementary school to high school is a big change. You sound intelligent and well spoken. I think that once you get into high school you will do very well.

Try not to concentrate so much on being accepted. Try to concentrate on just being yourslf. Things will fall into place and you will find like minded friends that will accept you.

It is good that you feel affection towards others... as you develop friendships with people you will find that the good people will acept you for who you are. Keep doing what you are doing and don't be afraid to express your feelinngs towards others. The good people out there will appreciate that and accept you.



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 02:56 AM
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My advice would be: Dont spent mucht time on ATS, here is a place of middle aged asocials like me



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 03:02 AM
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The fact you ended up here and bothered to post about the issue, means you'll do just fine in life

Trust me.



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 03:39 AM
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reply to post by mossme89
 


I have been a long time reader and had to register for this. I was in the exact same position in High School, probably a bit worse, 300ilbs and hispanic in an all white school. Also poor... Kids are evil, but pretending to feel good about yourself despite them only goes so far. Despite being a huge loser I went into the weight room and started lifting weights. I dropped the weights off the bench press bar with less than 90ilbs my first time, everyone laughed and made jokes. Well too bad for them, I read every forum I could about proper technique and eating right. I could bench 245ilbs 10 times by the end of the year, I spent everyday in there for an hour after running an hour.

Because my muscles got bigger and stronger I actually gained a huge amount of agility and was no longer a huge dink. By my junior year I weighed 190ilbs and played Magic the Gathering at lunch while getting hellos and high fives from football players. Weight lifting might not be right for you, but seeing results after a month raised my confidence and kept me going. By the time I got to college which I just finished, I kept all my nerdy tendencies to myself and just used my new found confidence to be extremely popular. When girls saw all my anime posters and toys at my apt they didn't give a flying crap.

You can salvage your High School memories by getting active. I played football my last two years and had a few girlfriends. High school will haunt you until you're too old to see anyone from high school. I was glad I could change things and fit in, even if I secretly didn't. A good amount of confidence will help you through high school but because people are so fickle it'll only get you so far. I am engaged right now to the best girl ever and I know I would've never stood a chance if I didn't change. The best part is because she got to know me she embraced my nerdy tenancies and even joins in now.

I'm sure people will disagree but I used to cry some days after school and it was brutal. Being a poor minority in a rich white suburb was terrible and I flipped it a complete 180.



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 04:52 AM
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It seems to me the thing you are underlining is being accepted by a girl, am i right?
Well my advice if so is to not even bother looking for love until your at least 22 man, your just going to get hurt otherwise. Trust me, been there done that.

In regards to your social awkwardness, well it's something you will always suffer to a degree but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing.... do you really want to be part of the herd?

You will be fine though mate, just don't cause problems for yourself and keep hanging out with these guys you play sport with, if they are jokesters try giving them some of them # in a joking way after a game if they make a mistake or something it will make you seem cooler odly.

Regards
exo87



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 06:23 AM
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reply to post by mossme89
 


You sound like me when I was your age... I could write a whole story here, but I am not going to get into all that now... I am 28 now, so about 10 years older then you I guess. I actually found that personally, my grades suffered too because of my loneliness in my high school years.

We moved to a new town city when I entered grade 12 from a very small town where I had grown up. In that new city I said to myself "okay no one knows you here, and you can be whoever you want", and that's what I did. To my surprise I became very popular that year, but it also helped that I had a cousin the same age and grade at my school on the football and hockey team, so that was my in.

Your probably wondering why or if I am trying to rub that in your face, but I am now. I had a lot of fun initially in the first half of grade 12, but after that I became distant again in my head and lonely. I still went out, and did things, but I never felt a connection with the kids I was now 'friends' with because I never grew up with them, and I couldn't relate to a lot of experiences they had already even though I lied about that.

The other thing was that I am gay, but of course just realizing it at the time so I was pretending to be straight. So here I was this 'popular' guy who wasn't bad looking so I had tons of girls always hitting on me, and it would have been great had I actually been straight, but it actually made it all worse. I of course went with a few girls for show, but I never had a connection with them, just like I didn't have with my friends I had met.

My home life was terrible with an alcoholic step dad that had been mentally abusing me, my younger brother, and mother for the past 10 years leading up to that point. All I ever wanted to do was get away, to run way. Not really run of course, but just be somewhere, around people I felt 'home' with.

When I was 19 I moved to Toronto, and until that day I had arrived I had never been there unlike most kids who normally go in grade 8 from all across Canada. Not at the same time of course, but most school's do the 'Toronto Trip'. I never got to go because I had to wear braces for almost 5 years, and they were pretty pricey I guess.

Back to my arrival in Toronto, the very first day, moments, minutes that I was in that city I felt home, and it wasn't until then I finally was able to be me, and begin my life. I know your situation is entirely different, but I told this story because I wasn't going to tell you what you didn't want to read, 'focus on your grade, cheer up!'. For me, I was miserable in high school when all I wanted to be was 'better' then who I actually was, but I also learned that kind of thinking will in fact scar you later on in life.

The best piece of information I can give you is to focus on other things outside of school. Get a job part time with 20 somethings y/o's if you can because they are going to be the ones to teach you social skills, to have fun, relax, and be yourself. I can't tell you anything that is going to make high school any funner in the next two years, but just keep telling yourself it does in fact get better. High school seems like the biggest thing that will ever hit your life, and then 10 years later when your my age it couldn't be further from your mind. Trying to think about high school memories to me now is like trying to dig up actual memories of when my family went to Disney World when I was 7; I can barely imagine it. I know it happened cause I have seen the pictures, but real life ends up happening and High school fades away into childhood where it belongs.

I'm going to give you this link. I saw it last week and I found it very inspirational. It's about the Elohim (the gods of Egypt, Sumerian, etc), and while there is some 2012 reference it is not all focused on that. It is a 12 part 15/16 minute each series, and it helped me see things differently like a little enlightenment. Maybe it will do the same for you. Here it is:

www.youtube.com...


High school will be over soon enough, but don't try to wish it's end come any faster then it already does, because once real life starts after graduation, you'll the find months and years begin to zoom by all too quickly.



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 06:27 AM
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reply to post by bhornbuckle75
 


Actually like 2 people already U2Ued me asking if i had aspergers. I don't. My doctor thought i might have it a while back so we went all over the place getting looked at and getting different opinions. What it came down to was that i had "traits" of aspergers, but not enough to actually say i had it.



posted on Feb, 19 2011 @ 06:32 AM
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reply to post by mossme89
 


man, been there, done that. outcast in school, but at the reunion, i was great.

i suggest the books "make friends and influence people", "laws of power" and "laws of seduction".

the key thing is learn how to bull#. learn how to talk about nonsense and superficial things. this is good for general social interaction.

your problem is that your not interested in what the "norms" are. example, if you want to socialize with men, on average, learn sports. just pick one, doesnt matter. sports is a universal language. you can go into any bar, any where, and you will be able to spark up a sports related conversation.

with girls, get them to talk about themselves. i assume youre straight, so girls is the most important. learn a little of the romantic poets, thats just for flash (byron is good). mostly, just learn how to listen (and by listen, i mean listen! make mental notes of what they like and dont. how they want to be treated) to them. however, and this is the hard part (very hard), manage to stay the straight guy they could sleep with, and not the friend. once youre a friend, theres no coming back. cant really tell you how to do that, sorry.

you are what is known as introspective, rather than extropective. an introspective person views the world from their eyes, and lets the world move around them. an extropective person views the world from anothers eyes and fits themselves into the flow of life. extropectives are far more numorous. jung wrote very well about these two frames of mind.

keep your unique view on the world, but learn how to blend. an introspective person does their own thing, while an extropective person seeks out what others are doing.

as an outsider, i decided to view the rest of the world as prey. i learned how to hunt them, and make them do what i want, how to direct them. however, i didnt become jaded, because i chose who i wanted to be friends with, who would accept me, and my loyalty bought their friendships to me. its complicated, tru, but not insurmountable.

at your age, i can just suggest books, or point out your possible mistakes. you must do the practice, cause social skills are learned. find other outcast like yourself. you dig anime, or rpg's? you are not alone, many are just like you, you just have to learn the rules of sociaty. take some time and observe others, how they interact, and mimic it.

on the plus side, if you master these skills, you will become mysterious, and girls love that! (listen to them, when asked speak little about yourself and turn the conversation back to them. they gain little knowledge of you, but you know all).

p.s. others say "be yourself". i say "know yourself". treat others as you would want to be treated. "being yourself" hasnt worked out so well. but if you "know yourself' you will be able to change your actions, without changing yourself, to fit in with others better.
edit on 19-2-2011 by stormson because: (no reason given)



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