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Let me introduce you to my Hell

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posted on Feb, 13 2011 @ 02:50 PM
reply to post by Xiamara

Actually there's a vast difference between an obsessive personality, and OCD. We all obsess to a certain degree, but those with OCD are unable to control (hence: compulsive) their reaction to these obsessions. Please be careful about diagnosing over the internet - this member may or may not have OCD.

posted on Feb, 13 2011 @ 03:02 PM
post removed for serious violation of ATS Terms & Conditions

posted on Feb, 13 2011 @ 03:09 PM
If your mind is racing then your heart is racing too. Take a record of your heart rate over 24-48 hours. Then have a doctor bring your heart rate down a tad; once your heart is slowed down you can get some rest. If your normal heart rate is at 80 bpm, imagine how tranquil 60 will feel to you; as well if you are normally at 60 bpm, 40 would be bliss!

From what the OP sounds like I would say that he is more in the range of 100+ bpm; myself, I have seen days with 145 bpm and on those days I never slept.

Some doctors will say that beta-blockers are psychosomatic in nature, but I say they work just fine.

posted on Feb, 14 2011 @ 09:37 AM
First off, probably a good idea to get your nose out of Crowley. Not everyone is well-equipped to stare into the deranged, and come out unscathed. Crime investigators often need to take breaks, otherwise they would go crazy with the bizarre crap they have to deal with.

I'm not saying that research into this icon's life and work is "bad", but there could easily be a psychological aspect to your dilema, and to approach "health", you need to simultaneously take real steps away from the unhealthy in your life.

The poster who mentioned heavy metals, that's something I completely agree with. The air needs to be cleared there, if nothing else, most of us can benefit from a bit of detox.

I'm going to share a personal story I've never shared on ATS before.

Brain tumor. It's not generally recognized, but these are not as uncommon as the medical establishment would like to believe. The reason they probably are missed by multiple physicians is because they can "hide" very well. For MANY years in some cases.

I recall an episode from "House" where this issue was taken up. They subjected the patient to various high tech diagnostic procedures, and only just barely found a tumor that had eluded them before. All in the nick of time of course.

In high school, there was a guy who was "normal" freshman year, and by junior year was violent, antisocial, and basically dangerous to himself and others. Everyone thought that "something" must have happened, you know, maybe some terrible experience, sexual molestation, etc. BUT it was none of that. In his head, just behind one of his ears was a very small tumor. It was found and removed that summer before his senior year, and almost "miraculously", he enjoyed a very normal senior year, got a girlfriend, went to prom, etc.

I really feel this issue because I suffered from a brain tumor myself. In fact, it was not a "real" tumor, it was a meningioma (located outside the brain, but still inside the skull). It had grown there for a very long time, and no one ever noticed. Doctors guessed that it had begun to grow when I was 9 years old, because at that time I had suffered a violent head injury (waking up in the hospital three days later). It grew there, ready to kill me at any moment, until at age 31, my wife woke up one morning to witness me in a grand seizure. Had it happened while driving, someone probably could have been killed!

There were no "symptoms" per se. No headaches, etc. But who knows about "personality issues", since it had grown with me for so long? Was I a bit antisocial because my mother lay dying in a hospital when I was in the seventh grade, or could there have been more? My father leaving the family...that's enough for more problems in the teen years, but was there also a "medical" situation brewing?

Within a year of having my tumor removed, I was perhaps "changing". I was a mid-manager at the time, and some of my employees had noticed, and one even said so. My wife, not so sure. Long story short, I quit my job, and became self-employed, having found "new courage" in the risk-taking department, where there wasn't much before. Fortunately, I was in a good place at the time, and remained stable in the transition.

It was a long time ago now, but in these years in between I have never regretted my choice, and have earned far more money than I ever could have working for someone else. Not to mention, the personal satisfaction of working for myself!

Where would I be now, if this hadn't happened? "Who" might I be, had this brain tumor episode not played it's part?


posted on Feb, 14 2011 @ 10:15 AM
Hi there.
I feel compelled to reply to you. I don't know what advice I can give you, but feel that you are calling out for help. On a forum like this you can be anonymous and ATS members tend to be knowledgable, kind and empathetic.

From what I got of your post, you are no longer taking any drugs but fell you may need to, am I correct? Effexor should not be used in children, how old where you when you began taking this medication?

Please do not consider suicide as an option. You CAN cope. I have always been able to talk myself out of a panic attack and feel that others can too. I also believe that taking medication, like effexor, which is supposed to reduce panic attacks, (yet the one of the side effects is Anexiety) may make you more prone to them in the future, as in your body/brain loses its natural ability to deal with them since it has had "help" in the past.

One of the posters on here mentioned music as a way to take your mind off, have you tried that and what type of music do you listen to?

I am on the fence about Marijuana usage, I think it is a wonderful drug, but with all of the bad-press surrounding it, it could make your panic attacks worse. It may take your mind off the compulsive thoughts and it may make them worse. You have to make sure you are with someone that you absolutely trust and can speak freely with if you are going to try this route it may have the opposite effect that you desire and you might need someone to talk you through those feelings.

I honestly don't put much stock in psychotherapy, everyone is different behind the eyes, there are so many variables. Even though you are speaking with someone who is well learned on the "workings of the mind" I often feel that they overlook the most simple of things and make assumptions and/or feed the paranoia of their patients (they have a desire to make money and what better way than to feed a persons concept of theri dis-ease to keep them coming back?)

You may just need to spend some time around other people, find some distractions, go for walks. Maybe try Sudoku or crosswords to keep your mind occupyed.

I don't know friend, but keep your chin-up, give some of the homemade stuff a try. St. Johns Wart is a good place to start, one capsule three times a day. Chammomile tea for anxiety. Also Rosemary oil at the temples is supposed to help one with concentration. Lavender to Relax.

One last thing, maybe you should try to take some of the power away from the doctors and the drugs. Do some research, take some proactive steps for yourself. Maybe just putting the power back in your own hands will be a mind clearing experience.

posted on Feb, 14 2011 @ 10:58 AM
reply to post by RustyShakleford92

Hi Rusty
I also experienced what you are going through, not the same thoughts, but repetitive all the same. Did you know that 90% of all thoughts are repetitive and also negative? This is in the majority of people, not just the ones who recognize a problem!!
What usually happens when an unwanted thought comes is that we say ' no, i don't want it ', somehow we become afraid of thoughts. The more resistance, the worse it gets. The thoughts are not the problem, the pain and suffering is actually caused, by fighting and resisting.
Let all thoughts come, they are only echos, observe them and smile at the little monkeys and they will leave. Always acknowledge, like ' yes i hear you.'
Never argue with them, answer back, or try to run from them ( this is the panic attack, fight or flight response ).

It's great that you are aware of the thoughts, just watch ( listen to ) them, that's all.
The one that listens is always silent, so don't be afraid if you experience the silence. That is the real you, space like awareness. Thought clouds this beautiful peace.
Rest in peace always.

posted on Feb, 14 2011 @ 11:34 AM
reply to post by RustyShakleford92

In my very early 20s I had similar kinds of thought patterns. My Dr. Discribed as "intrusive" . She was pretty cool and suggested I try this. Ithought it was kinda silly , but it worked. Wear a rubber band around your the absolute first sign of an intrusive thought give the rubber band a tug and let it to snap yourself in the inside of your wrist. I guess it was a way to get my thoughts to go in a different direction, and the slight sting of the rubber band on my wrist ( it did sting a little) , was a physical reminder. I guess a self inflicted electric shock of sorts. The symptoms began to subside rather quickly. And within a few months, were virtually gone. The best part. No drugs. I had been on anti depressants too and they didn't help.

posted on Feb, 14 2011 @ 11:37 AM
reply to post by RustyShakleford92

Hey Rusty,
sorry to hear your having such a hard time with this. I have and had same like obsessions since puberty. It started with speech and movement when I constantly had to check if my voice was still working and had to move my head from left to right to see if I could still move (this one lasted years).Then I had the same thoughts with breathing and I was focused on my breaths 24/7, which turned into chronic hyperventilating. I did breathing therapy for this and it worked for most part. (still have it at times)
My last obsession is swallowing, I always have this thought that I'm not able to swallow, which resulted in fear when eating, fear to choke on food and the imposibility to eat when someone is around. I'm slowly doing better over the last 2 years.
I never took medication for this, even though I was prescribed meds a few times I never took them. I am aware that this is a stress reaction and every time something happens in my life it comes back, but realizing that also made things a bit better.
Whenever I feel an obsesive thought pop up I go do something that will keep my mind from thinking about it, things like scrubbing the floor, work in the garden... play a game of tetris online, lol

so you see your not alone in this, I met a few others that experience the exact same thing. We aren't crazy and we aren't depressed, we are just extremely aware of our bodies and how it functions, while others just function without being aware of it most of the time.

If you feel like you can't cope with it alone, do seek other help, seek another opinion from another specialist. I noticed that a normal house md usualy is not fit to deal with this.
Hope you feel better soon, feel free to u2u me if you want to talk

posted on Feb, 14 2011 @ 11:39 AM
reply to post by Wetpaint72

I like that rubber band idea, think I'll try that out myself and see how it goes

posted on Feb, 14 2011 @ 11:59 AM
Distraction:dive into a new world: I would recommend martial arts (kempo), yoga (hatha) and running every day.
Just do it, give it some time. Discover who you are and love yourself.
Goodluck buddy

posted on Feb, 14 2011 @ 12:10 PM
reply to post by GypsK

I still use this methods at times to overcome negative feelings. I am 38 and still find it helpful even for more minor problems. Good luck. Oh...and I do remember the first day or two she said put a paperclip on the rubber band. Pull and release the paperclip for a little more severe snapping sensation. I guess it would depend on how severe your thoughts were and your personal pain tolerance.

posted on Feb, 14 2011 @ 12:43 PM
Wow, I really want to thank everyone with their responses. I had no idea I was going to get so many. I have taken much of what yous said into serious consideration.

The first things doctors always tell me to do is to "let the thought come and accept it". I cannot do this. I seriously tried very hard, and it just won't happen.

I am currently not on any meds. I have been med free for about 9 months. After the Effexor, I was on almost anything you can name, from zoloft to depakote. AND to be honest ATS'ers, zoloft made me feel better, BUT it took away my emotional "spectrum". I've noticed this when a cousin whom was dear to me was murdered, and I couldn't even let out a tear.

I can't smoke marijuana, it intensifies my thoughts everytime I try it. I used to smoke a lot, but haven't touched the stuff for over a year and a half.

Another thing I have to take into consideration is that right before I started having these thoughts and anxieties, is that I took up the habit of smoking cigarettes. Horrible, I know, but how many chemicals are in these things? At least one of them could be messing me up. May be a far stretch, but it's worth a shot, I have to get off these things.

I don't drink caffeine, I don't eat sugars, I eat pretty healthy. I also started running 5 days a week about 2 weeks ago, and maybe this will help too.

Does anyone have any personal experience with a "natural" approach to fighting mental health issues using homeopathic remedies, or anything similar? I have heard a lot about it, but many people say it' a fraud. I am definitely going to get a hair test now, but don't exactly know what to do once I get the results :-P

All I know is that there is something wrong in my brain. I am obsessed with thoughts. I can't let them go, even though I want to sooo bad. And I need to find something to fix it, because I am unable to find a solution myself.

posted on Feb, 14 2011 @ 01:29 PM

Originally posted by RustyShakleford92

I have seen many health professionals and psychologists, psychiatrists about this, went through different therapies, and nothing really calmed me down.
To be honest, I think if this lasts 2 more years, I will end up killing myself. I have no peace. My mind is always racing. I wish I could have one day where I could just sit down and read a book or just even chill out without feeling uncomfortable from my thoughts.
I would love to hear what any of yous have to say. I'd appreciate it.
Does anyone have any personal experience with a "natural" approach to fighting mental health issues using homeopathic remedies, or anything similar?

1) Have you tried a magnesium supplement? I strongly recommend Peter Gillham's Natural Calm.

2) Pick up a copy of Raja Yoga. Read a little bit of it twice a day after you take your magnesium.

3) What are you eating? Record you food and drink (and vitamins/otc's) for a few days and report back, or give a synopsis.

4) What is your neighborhood / living situation / environment like?

5) Repeat this phrase with a whisper to yourself every time you have an obsessive thought "om shanti om" repeat it 7 times then take a breath, repeat for a cycle of three breaths; a sanskrit mantra/prayer for "dynamic peace".

om apa-sarpantu tae bhuta yei bhuta bhuvi sam-stitaha yei bhuta vigna kartara stei gachantu shiva ajnaya!


Sri Oracle
edit on 14-2-2011 by Sri Oracle because: (no reason given)

posted on Feb, 14 2011 @ 05:34 PM

Originally posted by randyvs
reply to post by RustyShakleford92

You know what stud. I actually feel pretty bad for you. I have no idea about anything you've ddiscribed here.
How about you quit taking those pills and go straight to medicinal marijuana. I bet you would feel a change in your head. Marajuana is good for distracting your mind for awhile. How old are you?

I don't know there, Rem. I'm thinkin' that maybe what we got here is a good ol' fashion demon possession goin' on inside this kid.

heh heh

Not to say that a bag of buds would hurt any. Hell, getting all buzzed up might make the whole exorcism thing more fun for everybody. We need to get a pony keg and some good blow to keep everyone on their toes for the whole cycle. Some of these end up taking the entire weekend.

Should draw some straws to see who gets to hold the top half, who gets to hold the bottom half, and who gets to draw on him with the magic marker. Details Details Details

posted on Feb, 15 2011 @ 01:27 AM
reply to post by RustyShakleford92


You were never forced to go to school.
You were never told what to do all the time.
You were allowed to be yourself.

posted on Feb, 15 2011 @ 01:28 AM
love how the site makes a near suicide note into a a loose collection of hot links to advertisements. just fantastic.

posted on Feb, 15 2011 @ 02:03 AM
My oldest daughter has a form of autism and has some of what you describe. We went to every dr and got many weird diagnosis but in the end a pediatric neurologist discovered what the issue was. SHe has ASD with OCD aspects and profound processing problems. WHen she was little she used to cry and tell me she was calling me bad names in her head and couldnt stop... she was obsessed with many many things and NEVER counted anything. Now at 17 she is a high IQ high functioner in college level courses. ( she was in special ed doing nothing previously) . The Neurologist put her on Concerta and we use several natural methods which have given her a life back. One of the largest differences we noticed with the obsessive side of things was adding Acetyl-L-Carnitine,5-HTP, and Carnosine to her supplement regime. All of this was done hand in hand with a traditional neurologist... NOT a psychiatrist. All the psych wanted to do was fill her up with antidepressants and not treat the root problem. After one bout of an antidepressant we learned that they arent so great at treating obsessive disorders or autism. They made her an out of control maniac.Now after all of this: Our daughter dates,drives, is getting an education, has a plethora of friends.. .things we never thought would be possible when she was younger. SHe is a happy girl now and living a real life. Several years ago she wanted to kill herself due to the BS she was living through. DO NOT give up.

These may help, these may not.. but dont give up in finding the correct treatment for yourself. Dont think that psychologists are the bottom line in obvious neurological issues. SOme things can be treated naturally.. other things MUST be treated hand in hand with modern medicine.

posted on Feb, 15 2011 @ 02:15 AM
reply to post by Advantage

She would have been highly empathetic, someone in her environment must have been privatley thinking negative thoughts about her. I had the same thing as a child but now I know who the thoughts come from... I.e. my mother (sorry) she still thinks im a loser, my head hurts whenever she thinks about me, even when im at work i know when my parents are talking about me.

posted on Feb, 15 2011 @ 02:25 AM
reply to post by RustyShakleford92

If you don't mind me asking Rusty, how old are you?

The reason I ask is that growing up, I had a lot of compulsive and unsettling thought patterns that frightened me. They didn't feel like they were coming from my true self. What I did was learn to ignore those thoughts that popped into my mind that I did not agree with. Eventually over time, those thoughts, sometimes attacking, disappeared. Over the years, I have become more comfortable with myself and learnt ways to overcome this.

What did I do to ignore them? I came up with a fight back thought. A thought that would cancel out the negative thought. I also started to read books, listen to music, and come up with a mantra.

Sometimes to this day, for no reason, I will have anxiety attacks. It might be because I feel a bit spaced out, stressed, etc and I will obsess over how disassociated I feel from my body....what I have decided is that when I do feel this way, instead of worrying that I'm losing control of myself or feel like I am going to pass out, I've decided to tell myself to 'just chill' and breath through my nose deeply and out through my mouth.

So just....chillll.....inhale....exhale...

When we suffer from anxiety, our breathing is very shallow and usually through the mouth. A gym instructor told me that to ease any anxious feeling...breath in deeply through the nose and then exhale through the mouth. It is surprisingly calming.

There is great power in our breathing.

Another thing I do to stop obsessive negative thoughts, is to click my fingers and sing out loud. This immediately shuts off the negative self talk.

In summary, you are in control of have it within you to feel good at all times. Decide today what is going to help you trust in yourself.

edit on 15/2/2011 by DaMouse because: (no reason given)

edit on 15/2/2011 by DaMouse because: (no reason given)

posted on Feb, 15 2011 @ 02:27 AM
Hi i am really sorry you are going threw all this........All i want to say to you is RUN to this forum meds that doctors put people on will cause ALL that you are describing that's happening to you......The info on this sight CAN save your life and you can get great support there from others going threw what you are.......I found this sight when i was in tolerance withdrawal last may......I was on tranquilizers for many yrs and at one point started feeling horrible and thought it was my hormones,i didn't know that it was these neither did my doc......I had to find a doctor that knows what they can do to you and to slow ween me off of them onto another and am weening off the other now,almost there........I feel much better, but was in HELL for many yrs......Please go there and read and i say to anyone that is taking a antidepressant or tranquilizers or pain pills even for a short time DO NOT REPEAT DO NOT just stop them,or you could have many horrible symptoms.Please go to you love!

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