Many of you may ask why I'm pouring out my broken heart on a forum. Well, truth be told... I don't want to repeat my history. It seems I am doomed
to exist with a broken heart. It's almost as if I am literally in hell. A hopeless romantic destined to meet women who swear to love, only to leave.
A brief history on my life: I was married once before. We were married for 4 years and had our ups and downs as all couples do. We both made some
very awful mistakes. We were young and doomed so it seemed. She became abusive and began cheating in our 4th year. Soon she left me. I didn't leave
her because I truly loved her. I believed in the best. You can call me an idiot. Not many people know what it means to be devoted for life. I'm only
30 but watching my parents endure for 36 years and still going has taught me a lot about sticking it out.
After she left, I met a woman and we dated for awhile. I became attached very closely to her. I was really good to her, but as I soon found out: Nice
guys finish last. She crawled out my window one night and left town with a druggie.
I have to laugh just because I know how it sounds.
Regardless, I was left with a broken heart again.
My new fascination soon became social networks and chat rooms. I'm sure you all know where this is going...
I met a girl named Summer. At the time, I was a devout Christian. As she claimed to be also. We dated online and talked constantly for about 8
months. We prayed together, had bible studies together, etc. We began to seek God's approval for our relationship. People I didn't even know began
to tell me God had told them my relationship was meant to be! Not just one person. I counted, as I was seeking confirmation. 22 people told me,
including a pastor who I very much respected, that God had ordained my relationship.
Needless to say, she turned out to be fake. This resulted in the loss of my faith. I won't get into that, but I felt that if people couldn't really
hear God, maybe he isn't real. That road was extremely painful.
After Summer, I went a couple years being single. Then I met another girl. Online. (I didn't learn my lesson. I paid for it.) She also turned out to
be fake. Which resulted in my near death, as I consumed over 250 sleeping pills simply because I didn't want to be part of a world where people could
do evil so intentionally.
The woman I'm with now was very upset with me. She told me over and over again that the relationship with that girl wouldn't work out. She tried
diligently to convince me she was the right woman. I wouldn't give her the chance. I was actually too afraid of getting hurt. I suppose there was an
element of online not being real and I knew it. But this woman was real, and I was afraid she would hurt me.
I went to the Army briefly and then when I returned home, I decided to give this girl a shot. She seemed determined and we were pretty much best
friends at this point. We began dating almost 2 years ago. My insecurities from past relationships clearly had taken a toll on me. The worse thing,
she often wanted to run now. I convinced her to stay more times than I can count. Ultimately, we worked through our issues for the most part, and
decided to get married. I am madly in love with this woman. She has a daughter, (was pregnant when I got with her) and I have been raising her. This
little girl is my world. I have 2 daughters from my previous marriage as well.
We have had our constant struggle, mostly as a result of this little girls biological father. I don't like him, and part of our agreement was that I
could adopt her when we were married. I'm also deeply insecure about this man, as she broke up with me once so she could consider being a family with
him. She opted not to and chose me instead. The story is a bit long I suppose so I will just cut to the end.
Tonight we were having dinner and playfully talking, as we do every night. Soon she began telling me about this man's most recent choice to get
arrested for DUI. I told her I was concerned about our daughter being with him, as he constantly makes poor choices. She became a bit defensive, as
she typically does. So I asked her bluntly, "Do you see us being together for a long time?" She was quiet and then said no.
As if I walked into the Twilight Zone, this new woman emerged. Very cold. Very unemotional. She stated simply that she didn't want to be with me
anymore. That she doesn't want to be married anymore. I pleaded my case in desperation as I deeply love her and our daughter. She said she didn't
care and she wanted to be free.
If you have made it this far, I commend you. I'm sure I sound like a dumb@ss. I don't know what happened. 2 hours before our convo took a strange
turn, she kissed me and told me she would love to marry me again. I'm deeply confused about what happened!
Here's me being realistic:
I am now facing endless nights of sadness. I won't see our daughter anymore. We had well established routines that I'm going to miss. I know what
is coming. And to be perfectly honest, I do NOT want to face the oncoming days. Right now, life looks pretty horrible. I did consider suicide. Some
people see it as a weakness, but I don't believe in religion. I honestly see that sometimes people are just too broke to go on. However, I know what
such a thing would do to my family and daughters. So I won't do it. (I'm just being open with my thoughts and emotions right now)
I don't know why I'm opening up here. I'm subjecting myself to being flamed in an awful way. Hopefully though, you will see the pain I'm in. I'm
losing yet another family. My heart is literally shattered and this time, I have no real idea why. I am not being arrogant when I say I strive
everyday to be the very best husband to this woman. And our daughter lights up like you wouldn't believe when she sees me. I've missed the last few
days of work so I could stay home and take care of her as she is sick.
Ok, I'm just rambling. ATS... help me.