Cant Quite Figure this out

Hello, I need the boards help on this one. I am married "unhappily" but thats because of the fact my wife dosent ever want to have sex. I also have been with guys and when things get rough between us I have a tendency to search for men to be with but always stop myself before that happens. My problem is that I love my wife and love being with a women, but sometimes I have these urges to be with men and lately with all the "Gay Marrige Issues" and all the bad talk my straight friends have been saying about that issue. I have been taking the issue with a very defensive stance. I dont no if I am Gay or Bisexual, yes I have been with men but to me its sex and I cannot see myself in a relationship like I have with my wife with another guy. I dont know how or what I should be feeling. Can anyone help or enlighten me on whats going on, please also keep in mind all my family and friends are homophobes so I really have no one to discuss this with besides the wife and she basically knows the situation but does not want to hear about it. Oh and yes I have been faithful for as long as we have been married but I have had urges and I am not sure what I should do about this.

Your wife does not like to talk about it and you are thinking about it more because of it being a big media topic. Perhaps she is also thinking about it more for the same reason and having problems with your past relationships thus hindering what she may see as 'normal' (man/woman) sex. Did the lack of sex begin in conjunction with the bombardment of gay marrage in the media?

Just because youve been with men doesn't make you gay or bisexual, but you're obviously not getting what you want out of your marriage.
Personally, this doesn't sound like it really has all that much to do with gays in the media, it seems more like something stemming from your marriage.

How long have you been married? It could just be a midlife crisis, as lame as that sounds.

Jonna:
Hello stranger, Actually this started about 9 years ago after she had Lymes Disease, Her sexual appetite just basically died, so If we were intamite 2 times a month that was alot. Now here is the part that bugs me she will give me oral sex whenever but intercourse is something that barely ever happens. I dont think she stresses about my past relationships because if she did she would of left me 12 years ago when I told her that I have had sexual relations with men when we first started dating. I also cannot figure out why I have been getting offended by what some people are saying about the issues at hand now with all the "Gay rights". I do not believe that I am gay, I just believe that I am open to great sensual stimulating sexual experiences. Ok Jonna chime in what do you think is going on??

Originally posted by Justmytype
Jonna:
Hello stranger, Actually this started about 9 years ago after she had Lymes Disease

That is all that you have to say! It's neither your fault nor hers. I know two females that had Lyme disease and did not catch it in time. One of them had it for about three years without it being diagnosed correctly. She is sick constantly to the point where she can not even move and rarely ever has sex with her husband because (as I am told by my girlfriend who is her close friend) she just does not have any drive/interest in it.

My girlfriend's sister did not catch it for about a year and every few weeks gets violently ill. I believe that she has a normal sex life when she is not ill, but I really try not to know the sex lives of relatives as it is a bit strange.

I have gotten Lymes twice (don't ya just love NJ), but caught it almost immediatly so I am not aware of any long term symptoms.

How extreme did she have it and how soon did she catch it?

Jonna,
Sorry, Actually I missed ya and was hoping very much that I might right something here that would catch your intellect and you would enliten me with your words of wisdom. She caught the disease very early in its stages so she was treated with antibiotics and had her blood levels checked every 2 weeks for about a year and a half. I honestly do not feel that this is her reasons, mind you we now have a 3 year old daughter and in all honesty we both work and I understand that timing and exhaustion play apart but still why is there no desire, she has expressed to me that sex has no place in her life anymore, she could care less if we do it or dont? Thats the part that makes me get urges to go find a guy? Like its almost as in my mind being with a guy would not be cheating, because its not something she could compete with, but If I went with another women it would be because she can compete if that makes any or no sense too you.. and yes you have to live NJ especially up here in Sussex County.

Mind if I ask your ages? I am 29, but from what I am told by older couples love/lust turns into more of a companionship as you get older.

Well if she caught the Lymes early that is probably not it, but you never know. It can come back at any time.

As per the 'men would not feel like cheating' thing I was thinking the same conclusion before I even read that sentence. Cheating? All I can say is think of the possible effects on your child and then buy some magazines instead.

As far as any sort of intellectual response from the hole in my face, I would really need to know more about her as well as you.

Sussex county, hu! I live in Warren and work in Morris county. I'm a slave to route 80.

Jonna,
I am 33 years old, I live and work in lovely Vernon. Yes I understand the effects of cheating and thats why I have not. My child is my life and I am starting to feel as though something should change because it cannot be good for her to see her parents living together but never seeing any real affection. I always have to initiate a hug or a kiss and if I go to touch my wife its like "what" or "Leave me alone" so how does this help my child, wouldnt this be showing my daughter that if someone tries to show affection towards her to push them away in a sense of what her mommy is doing to me all the time.

I do understand what you mean as I never saw any affection between my parents and have difficulties feeling safe enough to get involved with anyone, but that is because of a whole load of other reasons as well. So you are saying that she does not like being touched at all? Perhaps you would both benefit from relationship counceling. I know that is the easy answer for me to give, but sometimes it helps to get an outside perspective on the matter and I don't see that coming over the internet with the indepth degree that it would need to be.

Does she see it as a problem for the relationship as well or does she see it as a personal 'matter of fact' that is just the way I am type thing? If she is doing 'one type', but not the other then she seems to be still putting the effort into satisfying your needs.

What we really need here is for a female to chime in on this.

[Edited on 14-7-2004 by Jonna]

Jonna,
She see's it as a relationship problem as well and is always apoligetic that she falls asleep or is too tired etc. She has told me that if I need it that bad to go out and find a girlfriend. To me I know she cant honestly mean that or can she?? I dont know.. thanks for the suggestion on relationship counciling "been there, done that". Ok here is something really off the wall for you, What would make someone be afraid to be away from home or out of thier comfort zone and why all of a sudden would someone start being afraid to drive over bridges, down hills and cannot stand to look up at an airplanes in the sky??? Could this all be Post Tramatic Stress Disorter" just figured Id throw that in at you, because that is a whole other issue we are dealing with in the homefront. I feel like I am watching her going nuts and I love her to much to ever walk away even if I dont get sex for the rest of my life..... but honestly that would really suck.

Originally posted by Justmytype
What would make someone be afraid to be away from home or out of thier comfort zone and why all of a sudden would someone start being afraid to drive over bridges, down hills and cannot stand to look up at an airplanes in the sky??? Could this all be Post Tramatic Stress Disorter" just figured Id throw that in at you, because that is a whole other issue we are dealing with in the homefront. I feel like I am watching her going nuts .

My first thought was anxiety due to current world events (terrorism), but the fear of driving down hills did not fit. Could that perhaps be a fear of the breaks failing? In this light I would say that it is more of a fear of the possibility of being in a situation where she is not in control of what happens. You said it yourself about leaving her �comfort zone�. This sort of fear often leads to the paranoia of the �What if�.� Questions. What if my breaks fail and I can�t stop the car? What if I become ill and can no longer care for my child? What if someone shoots me at the mall?

I actually have some experience with this problem. This is that same kind of thing that gave rise to the Worst Case Scenario books and TV show.

There are three stages (as I see it) to this problem. The �What if�� stage that only ends in constant worrying/nervousness, the �Preparing for every possible scenario� phase which usually shows itself like an obsessive/compulsive disorder and the last phase I can only really describe as �Hitting the wall�. It is like over saturation to the point where the fear does a 180% turn into aggression. I am not necessarily speaking of violence, but rather instead fight as oppose to flight. This sort of complete turn around seems to happen when the extremes of any emotion has been reached. It is like a pendulum that is slowly using all its energy to cease swinging and become finally balanced in the center.

Does any of this seem like the problem to you?


As per the posttraumatic stress disorder angle, something substantial would have had to happen in her past. The problem could be triggered years afterward out of nowhere, but there would have had to be a problem to begin with.

Jonna
I thank you deeply for your wisdom you seem to hit the nail right on target with this one. By the way when are you gonna offer a course in life studies that I can attend? lol anyways I appreciate all your wisdom and look forward to speaking with you in the future. Oh yeah, you work in Parsipany correct? "read that on another thread. Curious to know what you actually do for a living if you dont mind me asking?

No problem! I hope it helps in some way. I personally know how disturbing this problem can be as I went through it all and have only really Hit the wall about a year ago. Short of an atom bomb crashing into my living room, I am prepared for anything happening as much as anyone can plan for. Eventually there is nothing left to safety proof anymore and you burn the uncertainty out of you. That is the point at which you are out in a lightning storm with an insulated body suit screaming, "Bring it on, B1tch! You ain't so big!" Hey...I said I was better, I didn't say anything about being sane. But seriously if you ever need to talk to someone about it send a u2u.

Do for a living? Breathe, eat, drink, etc.:shk: But you are probably refering to what I do for money. Office administrator for Pfizer pharmaceuticals. A monkey could do the work, but the pay is good. Besides I spend about 35 hours of my forty hour week screwing around on the internet. I was never the type to chain myself to a career as oppose to just having a job. Life is not to be lived within the confines of an office cube. But that's just me.