posted on Jul, 15 2004 @ 06:20 AM
I was on the receiving end of the type of relationship that you have described and I finally ended things after about 5 years. The reason it took so
long was because I kept thinking I could help him find happiness. I finally realised that, while his anger and aggression was directed at me, there
was nothing I could do to make things right. He was not happy with himself, but rather than recognize this, he projected his pain and insecurities
onto me, or whomever else he felt deserved the blame.
I don't know if he ever made peace with himself or if he still blames the rest of the world for his problems, but I hope he did.
The reason I wrote all of this, is because he did exactly the same things to me as you have described doing to your ex-girlfriend. I don't know what
your childhood was like, but I know that, with my ex, his parents divorced when he was fairly young, because his father was having an affair with
another woman. This left his mom very bitter and to this day she has never dated another man. She also became very cold and harsh toward Jim, but
stayed loving and supportive of his sister. For the entire time I new Jim, he was always trying to regain favor in her eyes and I believe that his
attitude towards me was a direct result of his unresolved issues from childhood.
Have you examined, truly examined, what caused you to lash out at the woman you profess to love so much? Could it be that you lack confidence
in yourself and thought she would realize she could do better (I'm not saying she could, but did you fear she could)?
It's been my experience that most people who are abusive towards those they love, are incredibly insecure about themselves. Their abusive behaviour
seems to be a subconscious protective instinct to "hurt them before they can hurt you". Afterward, though, they realize what they've done and it
makes them hate themselves even more, which leads to the cycle of abuse and regret.
The only way to end the cycle is, first, to be willing to accept responsibility for one's actions, and be sincerely dedicated to changing them.
Second, is to forgive people who have hurt you in the past, seek forgiveness from the people you have hurt (not because you want to get back together,
but because they deserve your apology, & so they don't start their own cycle), and most importantly, FORGIVE YOURSELF.
No one is perfect, and we all have done things we wish we hadn't, to those we care about. It does no good for you to beat yourself up over and over
for something that has already happened, and cannot be undone.
If you want to start feeling good about yourself again, do something unselfish for others. Volunteer to teach kids to play music, or spend some time
helping in a homeless shelter. Once you stop thinking about how bad YOU are, or how sad YOU feel, and start realizing how happy you can make someone
else, simply because you care about them, life will start to look less dreary. Love is something that must be given to others if you want to receive
Smoking weed, in and of itself, is not a problem. Smoking weed because you don't want to face the world is. The use of any substance, as a means to
escape from your demons, instead of confronting and resolving them, will only make things worse in the end. The more you run from your problems the
harder they will be to get away from, which, I would bet, is why you are smoking more and more weed.
Whether or not you and your girlfriend get back together, you need to deal with your abusive tendencies, or they will follow you the rest of your
life. I don't know if any of this is of any help to you, but I wish you the best, and I hope you are able to find peace and happiness.