the final straw in the haystack

Another short walk that musters within me before ive put foot to pavement.It turns out to be a wandering mess,1 am with the cold wind stinging my face as if to wake me from the narcotic blur. the droned out voices try and pull me from the fuzz but i just ignore it and try to warm back up. And somehow i believe i am at the end of a transition that will allow me to finally be happy with the thoughts in my head,my surroundings and the added company ive wrangled together to sit through this thought process. i look at the stars a lot and i wonder why i bother with any human being at all, we're all so selfish, self centred, false, angry,cutely misinformed,pathetic,dumb, dumb founded, lazy,beautifully ignorant,useless.they want, well go get it, but no youll sit and wait for it to fall in your lap. dont get me wrong good on you if that works for u- it wont. im not here to tell you the sweet nothings you want to hear. im not here for you. or for me.

i bite myself to neutralise the itch. i buy the bag just before i kick.

ive always felt that i was dumb struct before the fact.
my head would spin and swim in the sound and caves from the words."Perhaps something is coming to the surface and you are on the verge of some new awareness." Is it wrong that i feel the dejavu coming on? i couldnt get her out of my head, the house frozen over in a pathetic tide of mourning. the light seemed more intense rebounding off the mirror and cursing the room where she slipped through dimensions.It was as if a child had sat staring,chanting beckoning some sort of entity to come through the reflection and snatch her away.
It was strange that you could float in the bath tub in your own blood.i thought about you lots today and i think that # dont hold no water for me anymore, well it could be said but i wouldnt waste my breath. she crossed the train track without lookin up the line. she crossed over without a worry on her mind.

All the people are dropping, falling out of the sky and into nets and circles. the faces get replaced and morphed. they take the shape they need to inhabitat for the sake of our story lines. That bunch told lies of the truth, trading mind games, using until the only thing that was left was theyre own interactions with each other.
The withdrawals set in fast.


"i get scared in my own room in my own #ing room.
the shadows they attack and shift around me.
i dig these holes just so i can fall in them.
beat the gloom to the punch and lie upon a floor.
feel so straight but always so narrow and crooked.
the scripture is torn and still dont mean a thing to me.
im battling my self control of which i have next to none of."

i know the components of what i must do but i just cant do it.

ive switched this same light switch, in the daylight for the last 15 years. the powers been off for 20. and in that corroded mirror thats kept my image hostage ive aged 50. i remember reading the paper when they'd say in 60 years we'll be doing this and doing that,tides will rise and swallow. i remember thinking whats the point of looking into a future where none of us are there. But i am here, frozen. ive washed my hands under taps long run dry.ive watched the news and the movies but cant make out which is which anymore.ive read the reports ive read the guides and id still rather jump out the window then walk out the door.i got nothin much to say but a lot to think about, got not much to give. you can have it all. All the money in the world and i still wouldnt wanna do much with it except stay warm. The matches and the irregularites, the different colors and tones some sticking out like bones protruding from fresh skin. that bruise under your eye he left behind. the only entry i could prod that would make you squirm. robotic, disconnected. the bridge will sway and break. ill keep walking right on down the double helix, do i gotta choice? or a fixed path? the tv chimes in and i am fixated.

A man, a normal looking man. Nothing out of the ordinary, hes wearing protective clothing and a funny looking helmet with the squares that keep the flies away which then divide the sky into toothpick quadrants. Hey, this could be another centurion or just another fleeting moment unnoticed. It was it is it isnt it cant be, it had it did it didnt it could never, it would it might it tried, i turned it on so i can turn it off... So he goes on, surrounding himself with the things he so passionatly investigates whilst wearing the protective gear.
"nature and her unpredictability can be seen in bees with intiative. their own evolution is the undoing of both systems. By the drone moving ahead of the rest of its species, it therefore puts the overall end result at a loss."
Yeah in most cases, my fixation is in another place... most things on this planet are ment for one purpose and even by out living that process it causes the end to its host. as a star before it implodes lights up our view finders with unattainable ideas and visions of a life thats already ceased to live. we struggle to our ends to realise its not our dream and never was. Its the dance, most of the time that grips our attention. Not the notes,nor the instruments or the beings instructing them.
I trail off again the dance is outdated(the dance outdated our instructions irrelvant.)

ive snapped out of this wonderful place so many times and always end up back on this #ty mattress and im getting chased by rattling serpents in my dreams, they killed my #ing dog. the sooner i cut the electricity to this world and take to these things with my foot the sooner my waking life will become manifested in ways i cant even begin to understand yet. Yeah yeah ive seen the signs from my #ty mattress but cannot do anything to help them along. i dont know how i can shove this in someones face or everyones face but it needs to be smashed into peoples faces. all of this information, ofcourse can be used for someones own gain, but what the # is this dude gonna get from all this? nothing, therefore i take him out of the equation. whats left is the undeniable truth that we are all #ed. we bought into all of it without asking a question. its too late for our maggot of a civilisation and in this i thank "jesus", what a weight off the shoulders. bring on the lootin' #ers!

Thats what people do they make a decision that they say to themselves 'ive lost my confidence in myself and now i need someone to shoulder my life that is slowly slipping out of my control, my trajectory is off and its time for someone to realign me.'I do'. Thats what they normally say at the end of the decision. I cannot see how when ones life is so 'unpredictable' someone can make that decision. Its a breeding ground for weakness. One life to live, one set path that gets followed. The chances keep get thrown down the line but because of one decision, backs have been turned 'till death do us part'.
Its a grim outlook for some but for me the alternative of being 'alone' is limitless.

i can stand the computers, the technology and the growing distance thats between me and the world. my computer purrs like an alley cat behind a resturant. i feed it, i turn it on, i get it now as i hear the whispers of beings minimalising themselves down so far to enter our coded language and make themselves known on internet forums.they plant the new seeds, subliminal? no. thats how our current rulers work, the beings frequencies are different, straight to the soul.some would call it paranoia/schziophrenia a coined phrase coined by them already experiencing it.

reply to post by questcequecest


You might be a candidate for the video Alone in the Alaskan Wilderness . This guy went to Alaska and built a cabin and lived 30 years happy as a lark. He started at 50 and lived there until he was 83 . He never got sick . And he never worried about what someone else was doing .

reply to post by SimonPeter


sounds like a plan only im doin it in australia!!

reply to post by questcequecest


That sounds like a plan except that every thing that crawls or slithers will kill you and thats on the land .Always thought that I wanted to go to Australia . I heard it's pretty wet there now .