Sometimes I feel myself sitting on my own and yet I'm surrounded by people. Because people talk, but they don’t listen, they hear but they don’t
People can look at you, and make their mind up about your personality before you have even opened your mouth. People are rude, and nasty, and it’s
human nature to exclude those who are slightly different, who think outside the box.
So here I am, sitting, listening to what is going on around me but not really taking any of it in. Because it’s all negative and I can almost feel
the weight pushing down on me, further into the darkness of my own brain. And sometimes I get lost in there, and I can’t find my way back out.
Drowning in the pools of myself and gasping for breath as I try to fight my way to the surface. And sometimes it feels as though I’m going to be
okay, that I’m over it, but then it comes back to me and I’m falling again, and scratching at anything I can reach to stop myself going under,
because once you’re fully in the void, it becomes very hard to get back out.
Most of the time I have one foot in.
Everything in the room is loud; everybody is laughing or crying, or sniping or kissing. It’s full of love and hate and light and dark, and it’s
hard to keep up, so I try to block it out. Because to take it all in hurts. The people around me are scaremongering about something else which
doesn’t matter and I feel like telling them what they should really be scared of, but they wouldn’t be able to take it. People are discussing
‘celebrities’ and the kind of culture that I’ve never managed to understand, but it’s hard to get away from it as people are more interested
in other peoples lives and their aspirations to be rich and famous than they are on making their own lives better. Less dull.
I really couldn’t care less. But I suppose that makes me a weirdo?
Part of my problem is I get bored too easily. It’s hard to see the wonder of the world when you’re passing through the same concrete streets and
seeing the same grey buildings everyday. If just one new thing could happen to me, one new person chatted to me on the bus, a new story to add to my
collections, then maybe life would be less grey; but people don’t talk anymore. Especially not to strangers.
It’s sad really, isn’t it? How we’re interested in someone from Big Brother and not in the person sat next to us?
I met a lady on the train one day who was heading for a hospital appointment. She and her sister were both terminally ill, and she had no one but her
sister left for her. Her husband had died, her children moved away taking her grandchildren with them, and she was so proud of them; the only time her
eyes lit up was when she was telling me what they were doing with themselves… apart from that, there was nothing left. She told me, a complete
stranger, unflinchingly how she couldn’t be saved but that it was fine. It was a good job I was wearing sunglasses because I was almost in tears. I
hope where ever she is now, she is happy.
People lie all of the time, cheat to get ahead and I don’t see the point. If I want to achieve, I want to achieve, and I don’t do it by upsetting
others and barging through them, kicking and screaming. But you're supposed to though, right? And that’s the problem.
And so and so did this, because someone else did that; and because of what they said, someone will get revenge and I really can’t see the point.
Because to get out of this cycle is the only way to move on. And people see me as blunt, and rude. And I'm not. Really, I'm not. I just don't
understand society's rules.
I gather my things and leave because I don’t think I can take it anymore, but I can’t explain why because people don’t understand when I say
that I don’t want to live like this; when I speak of how it makes me feel. I just get that look again. The one that says ‘shut up, because I
don’t want to know’.
Talk is cheap, but the truth is expensive.
Sometimes I wonder how evolution came to this; selfishness, greed, lies and anger. And then you wonder how we managed to evolve in the first place.
But at the end of the day, I think it’s a pretty reasonable argument to claim that something made us and then turned its back. Because a lot of the
time, I would like to turn my back and just not look. A lot of the time, I can’t see the good in people, in what people have done, and those are the
worst moments you could imagine, because everything seems pointless.
But then other times, I look around and everything is shining; and I try to hold on to these moments, because when you can pick out the good in
everything, when you have a sense of awe, everything feels right again and there is colour, and you can face getting out of bed in the morning.
Modern society makes it hard to find a balance between the two. The glass is half empty or the glass is half full. You get labelled and put into a
niche, and if you don’t fit, you get pushed out into the cold and I think
it’s supposed to bother you.
No one listens to me, so why should I listen to them? Why surrender to convention?
I’d rather be in the cold.
edit on 20/1/2011 by Ayana because: I'm an idiot. Simplez.