To the Man-God who decided to board my boat

The following rant is about a person who decided to walk onto my boat while anchored 45 miles offshore, for a rigging test before I take off on the 30th for the Pacific.

To the God that decided to visit me while 45 miles off shore:

I'm sorry you almost hit me, the only boat within 20 miles of your position, in clear sunlight with perfect visibility. I really am. It was entirely my fault for being inconsiderate enough to leave my night lights on and to hoist a red flag onto the masthead. This is my mistake, and I will take it to heart and not commit the same mistake again. You are right, your fibreglass 28ft day sailor may have caused major damage to my 35 foot, re-enforced steel hull. Had I not made some changes last year and added an even more re-enforced bow, sheeted with 2 inch boilerplate, I may not have survived this encounter. For this I am eternally happy, and will from this day on whisper your name whilst holding a candle to the sky in thanks every 16th of January until I die. All though I noticed you did not introduce yourself, or even shake my hand when extended.

You were right, as you pointed out many times, that fibreglass is the strongest and most flexible boat building material in the world. It was my fault (and mine alone) that my coral crusher boat is not up to your lofty standards. I regret making my boat strong enough to sail thru pack ice, when there was a far better material to make her with. But I am just a mortal, not an offspring of Poseidon, as you surely are. You were right, I should have never corrected you regarding steel hulls, as your knowledge obviously exceeded mine. I am just glad you decided to spare me, as I feel the width and breadth of your intellect would be capable of crushing me like the tiny little bug I am. You knew even more about my own boat then I, and the information you graciously provided me will forever be in my heart. Thank you. I only wish that you had remained at my side, so we could have cruised the oceans together, and I could be told of all the mistakes I have made. But to dream a future such as that would make heaven seem mundane.

I admit, it is wrong that I sleep naked. For this, I cannot apologise enough. It was also wrong for me to have the gall to be asleep at 10 in the morning, even though I had sailed thru the night and only had 2 hours sleep the previous day. A petty excuse, I know. If I were more like you, then I surely would have found the discipline to stay awake.

Further more, it is with great sadness that I was not expecting company, 45 miles from land. The sadness was only intensified when I realised that you had brought your young son on board my boat (as is your divine right) and I was somewhat groggy, naked and swearing. This is my fault, and mine alone. If I could fuse my knees to the ground so I would be eternally grovelling to you, I would do so. But I do not have the correct tools, or the requisite training to do so.

You may recall I stopped cursing when I realised you weren't meaning any harm. I am traumatic with despair that this took me some minutes to do so. I am fallible, just like any human. I just did not expect a God to climb aboard my boat, open the door to the hull and begin asking if anyone was home. My home is your home, and you had every right to do so. You were right to berate me for using such language around your child. Yet, compared to any mortal utterings, the words that flowed from your mouth seemed as sweet as any water could be to a dying man.

I am in torment with eternal agony for not putting my clothes on sooner. This was entirely my fault. For this reason, and this reason alone, I feel my soul shall be taken by the Devil some day, for it was not right to except you to not enter my cabin. I was particularly awed by your steady sea legs, and by the fact that you managed to only knock over a few things as you walked around. All this on a calm day, when the sea was like deep-green glass. You are remarkable Sir. I particularly enjoyed the way you managed to knock over a vase purely with your gut. Such agility is seldom seen outside the discipline of the Ninja.

Yes, I realised that you were American when you first woke me from my sleep, but thank you for repeating it over and over again for the first few minutes. My Australian brain had some trouble understanding that, and you are right to re-enforce the message again and again. You are a sound educator and superb linguist. I also understand that although you mentioned many times that you had sailed over from America, it must be coincidence that the very same boat is available for hire in Busselton. If I could rip out my heart and present it to you as penance, I would do so. Such are my failings.

You were assuredly within your rights to not let me pass some water to your son, even though he said he was thirsty. For a man as royal as you would most probably used to assassination attempts. I cannot apologise enough for not following royal protocol and firstly giving the water to your royal taster, who I assume was the young girl vomiting off the side of your boat. I particularly enjoyed the way you mumbled at your son while I was in the hull, and thus couldn't hear you completely. Whatever you said, it cured your sons thirst, even for a sealed can of Coke. Such words seldom have such a miraculous effect.

And have I praised your docking? Never before have I seen such skill and expertise. It is obvious why you didn't lower some transoms over your hull, for the obvious protection they provide was not necessary for you. I am humbled that you managed to leave a white smear from your boat on my black hull. I shall immediately varnish over it to preserve it for all time, and shall adopt it as a symbol to attract new followers to your Godliness. With hope, the white smear will soon be as universally accepted as the Christan cross.

Your unexpected appearance did bless me with an ever tingling sense of belong... of purpose. Although I may have seemed unpleasant and undeserving, rest assured you have made a convert out of me, and I shall be sure to teach the valuable lessons of that day to my children. One of whom I shall assuredly name after you. If only I knew your name.

Yours in awe,
Shane

Totally AWESOME.

This is one of the best rants i have ever heard. Fantastic.

I am sorry for the damage caused to your boat though mate, and i do hope you can get the name of this fool.

Good luck to you on your endevour.

VvV

At times. it can be hard to distinguish sarcasm on the computer, but I must say, that you have turned sarcasm into an art form
Aside from that, I think you handled it rather well. I am not a sea person(sea man just seems so wrong) as i live far inland, but I can say that if I was in that position and awoken by a stranger in my house, which is basically the same thing, that there most likely would have been blunt objects flying, baseball bats/ crowbars swinging, and possibly bullets in the mix long before my brain would be awake enough for a conversation.

Wow Shamus .

Hats off to you for keeping your cool and doing the gentlemanly thing because his son was there .

If that was me i would have knocked that guy out and thrown him overboard .

This thread is awesome and one of the best most deep and interesting reads i have seen in this subject forum for a long time .

Again , hats off to you my brother


Omega

Haha, typical Patriot. They come from all around!

Most deserve a good ol' punch in the teeth, but you did right by keeping your cool.

reply to post by shamus78


I laughed. I wept. I felt my lip quiver with anger. I hated Americans until I remember that I am an American. You Sir... fine, fine genius of a Sir... have delved into the depths of your psyche, found your muse, slipped her a mickey, and have utterly had your way with her.

Not since Dante and Shakespeare have such words been strung together... pearls and diamonds, dressed in gold, strung together on spiders silk.

This, this thing of beauty... these glimmering words... I am not worthy.

Oh, and if you want to fly me out there so we can find this guy and give him a 50 foot mast, rope assisted mega wedgie.. I am so there for ya Shamus... I am THERE!

~Heff

Ironically, had the situation been the other way round, you might not be here today. I could see quite a number of my countrymen reacting with a great deal more violence. Kudos to you for being, all things considered, quite gentlemanly about the whole thing.

lol Very funny. You should make a habit of ranting more often!

my belief that boarding a vessel on the high seas without clearance from the officer of the conn is a very significant violation of standard protocols and courtesies, and could possibly be perceived as an attempted act of piracy.

and, as we all know, pirates are dealt with harshly.

reply to post by Hefficide


Heff, you magnificent bastard, I'll be over Stateside late next year. You, I have to meet. I think beer is still dribbling out of my nose from your reply. Thank you Sir, you are awesome!

And thank you everyone else, it's great you read and support stuff like this.

Cheers
Shane

Mate, this is pure gold. Every word, every sentence is just dripping in pure sarcasm.

I take my hat off to you, probably the best post I have read on ATS. Ever.

reply to post by shamus78


Which idiot said that sarcasm was the lowest form of wit? You have surely proven him wrong, good sir!

Great post buddy, it gave me a chuckle

I just have to add: Have you thought of writing for Cracked.com?

This beats the pants of most of the stuff I have read there.

reply to post by MMPI2


You are correct. I could have make the intruders disembark. While naked and laughing.

But... have you ever tied pushing an overweight American overboard? A lot of work.

Cheers
Shane

reply to post by SerenityGained


SEN!

Cracked won't have me until I compile a 5 ways... blah blah blah.

Soren and Swaim are keeping that site afloat. DOB is good, but not awesome.

Thanks for the support!

Shane

Brilliant rant.

I wish I could rant so well

This is quite possibly, the best rant I have ever seen on the internet. Not only have you managed to convey all possible variations of sarcasm, but done so in a way that literally had me laughing out loud while reading along.

You sir, are a genius.

With some of these additional posts on here about this event, I have to wonder...

was this thread posted simply as reason to slander american citizens, or is it to rant about an individual event with no political ramifications?

It appears to have devolved from the former to the latter.

That, my friends, is how you sarcasm. I spend a lot of time at sea and i have a few family members who run charter/commercial ships and i am 100% sure not a single one would have handled this situation as well as you did.

And have I praised your docking? Never before have I seen such skill and expertise. It is obvious why you didn't lower some transoms over your hull, for the obvious protection they provide was not necessary for you. I am humbled that you managed to leave a white smear from your boat on my black hull. I shall immediately varnish over it to preserve it for all time, and shall adopt it as a symbol to attract new followers to your Godliness. With hope, the white smear will soon be as universally accepted as the Christan cross.

I literally LOL'd at this, which is rare for me when reading. From this day forth, any time i am at sea, i shall insist there is a white smear on the hull.

Thank you for the good laugh!

This sounds like you were visited by one of the most intersting men in the world.I hope you offered him a dos equis beer.