many years ago as i was trailing my stag night from town to town and old man sat me down and said
"so yer going to get married aye " ?
"aye" i said,
"do you really love this lassie" ? he said
" aye sir, i do" i answered
"then listen to me" the old bugger replied.
"once a week give her something to moan about, leave a cup on the floor yer trousers in the hall no matter what it is make sure its not too serious"
he said to me in earnest.
"ye fekin mad man " ? i said
"why would i want her naggin at me over saft stuff like that " ?
"because wee man if ye give her summat te moan aboot it will stop her makin' things up in her hid, ye see if ye do all the dishes, wash the clothes,
sweep the carpet and all that and she has nothing te worry aboot she will make it up in her hid therefore you wee man are in control of what she nags
aboot its in her nature its summat she has te do".
"never argue aboot money, let her take the reigns, ye see with my wifey if i ask her fer £2000 in cash fram oor savings, she will ask why, never ye
mind i will say just trust me and she will go to the bank get me the money and await an explanation, ask yerself wee man who then is really in control
o the money " ?
and fek me he was right and any married man will know what im onna bout
He then said " ye wantin bairns " ?
" aye" i said
" right then listen up, a woman is at her most beautiful when she has a belly full of arms and legs ok, and tell her so everyday, hug her and
re-assure her and dont be expectin a shag after neither ye ken " ?
" aye" i replied,
"and when the bairn is born ye can forget ye nuptials fer as much as 5 months, cause all thats in her world is that wee un and thats the way it should
be, theres no thing in this world that will pull her away fram that bairn and if it does ye married the wrong wan"
"noo, set up the bairns room so that there is a spare in there, get yerself compfy in there 'cause thats yoor bed, say tew the lassie that im gonna
jump in the spare bed so you and the wee un can sleep tegether in oor bed as im a heavy sleeper and dinnae want to role over and sqwash em, and know
that it is a very rare moment a mam will lie on her bairn as the slightest change in her environment will awaken her te make sure that wee wun is
I was amazed at this old mans life knowledge but i listened on.
"wan day she will sit in front o the mirror in tears and look at the scars on her belly and the wee bit o' fat thats noo there, am i fat and ugly ?
she will say"
"you answer, my sweetness i watched you carry my child with awe, i saw you give birth and was left speechless by the pain you went through, i felt
useless as there was no one i could blame and hit to protect you from this, my sweetness i was for the first time in my life defunct as a man, you the
stroke her hair and kiss her neck and tell her thank you, and say no my sweet you are not nor ever will be fat nor ugly you will always be my sweet
sixteen and the scars you have be proud of them because you roar, aye my lass you roar because you are a true woman".
"never if ye can help it skelp ( smack ) the wee uns let a growl be enough, a mam can screech and bawl at the wee uns and they will always have her
wrapped aroond their wee fingures but when ye lay doon the law son make sure its laid doon"
then the old mans wifee came and sat next to him, we were introduced and he told her what we were talking about and at that moment she looked deeply
into his eyes, held his hand and smiled a smile of true love and she said " sid yer a lying, caniving old bastard but i love you" .
I my friends really really want to be that old man and have my beautiful wife looking at me the same way knowing i did the best i could and loved her
for all the things she was, is and going to be, because her happiness is mine
edit on 14-1-2011 by weaverre because: addendum