Now this is funny!! 11 Step program to complete before you have children

I was sent this today by a friend in an email. I also saw it later on facebook. I found an old source for it but even they say they got it through an email. I lmao when I read it.



Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first!

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the newspaper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their.
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breast feeding,sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behaviour. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel.
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out.
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favourite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the backseat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s'Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly.(Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’;occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this
tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now readyto take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

That is exactly how it goes - my one child is now grown -. she turned out pretty good considering her Mom went nuts in the early years, lol.

Funny, I was raised in an isolation chamber. I guess I see why now.

WOW, NOW I DON'T FEEL SO BAD. I THOUGHT I WAS BEING A BAD PARENT ALL THIS TIME, BECAUSE I WAS ANNOYED BY MY SON, THAT IS NOW 5 YRS OLD.

THANK GOD, I'M NOT ALONE. I'M NORMAL!!

Its soo true!! I especially like lesson three. My one year old son seems to stick by this routine. 2am watch an infomercial.. Been there many times.. LOL.

Bah... I see nothing here about how to deal with it when your fourteen year old daughter says the words "Dad, this is my friend, Tim. He's here to help me study."

I've been shot at, ejected from a rapidly moving vehicle, and have had major surgery, among many other hairy moments, over the course of my life and NONE of them prepared me for the above.

~Heff

As a parent, I can add a few things - just not in the same witty manner as my brain is tired.

Sprinkle sharp things around in the floor & try to navigate at night in the dark while barefooted. Legos work well, but metal die-cast cars are the best.

Socks. How can two boys have fifty pair of socks on Monday and can't find ANY on Wednesday?

Watch my kid, telling me a story about...something. I tried to repeat back what he was saying as this was a few years back and his english wasn't as clear as it is now. It finally got to me & totally cracked me. You'll see.

www.youtube.com...

It's crummy video and my shop was a wreck (as usual) but...enjoy

Originally posted by sykickvision


Sprinkle sharp things around in the floor & try to navigate at night in the dark while barefooted. Legos work well, but metal die-cast cars are the best.

Socks. How can two boys have fifty pair of socks on Monday and can't find ANY on Wednesday?

I still deal with that!!!

Freakin legos!!!

And the socks, my girl now just wears odd ones all the time. It's her "thing"

Originally posted by sykickvision
Legos work well, but metal die-cast cars are the best.

LOL - Metal Die Cast cars do the the trick pretty well, especially if you plant the arch of your foot squarely on those suckers. I don't have kids, but have younger cousins, and remember standing on a plastic He-Man action figure 1 early morning babysitting (still dark). Had a nice bruise in the arch for well over a week

Lego, Metal die cast cars, action figures - all work tremendously well ..... you guys want to add this and make a master list?

To add to #7. You tell yourself that you will never reduce to bribing your children. Then you bribe the snot out of them to get them out of the store.

and...

you drop your morals and accept petty thievary, when your child hid somethin in the cart that you didn't see. And you dont' care as long as you don't have to take the child back into the store.

And I am adding #12

Don't expect to be able to go to the bathroom in peace for about 8 years w/out little fingers wiggling under the door or Fran Drescher yelling outside the door the whole time.

Interesting though most of that never happened at our home.

Three Children 22, 11, 6 all home school or being home school.

Would like to have more and no we do not nor want governmental help, socially monetary or health wise.

I believe as my wife does that children are wonderful, it the parents that make children bad, by the way they follow governmental guide lines of raising "THEIR" children.