Help me understand why I am the way I am.

First of all, the reason I'm posting this here is because I wonder if the reason I am the way I am has something to do with a past life. I don't even know for sure that I believe in past lives, but I'm open to anything.

I've mentioned a few times throughout the forums that I am a Civil War reenactor. I'm female, so I don't "fight" but I dress in hoop skirts and basically do what women did back then. So anyway, I love reenacting and reenactments. I just feel at home at the events. Being in a place where everyone is in period costume is almost like going back in time and it just feels "right."

Now, here's the part I don't get... If I could time travel back to the Civil War era, I wouldn't do it. Nobody could pay me enough to do it. I HATE most things about the Civil War itself. I hate violence, I hate conflict, so you would think that even reenacting a war would be something that I would avoid like the plague. I can't watch movies on it, I can't look at authentic pictures from the Civil War. It bothers me to read about things that actually happened in the war. I can't watch documentaries on it, or whatever. Doing anything like this depresses me to the point of tears sometimes and takes me forever to get over that feeling that such things give me. Sometimes it sticks with me for days.

I'm aware that this may sound like a stupid question and may not seem like that big of a deal to some, but how is it that I can love reenacting so much yet be so terribly disturbed by the actual war itself. The weird part is that I can't stand ANY war, modern or historical, but the Civil War bothers me on so many levels that other wars don't, even though I know there were worse wars throughout history. The other wars don't bring me down like the Civil War. I just think that all those people died needlessly... killing each other is no way to solve anything, IMO. And I don't claim to have any psychic abilities... at least not more than the average person, but when I'm on an actual battle field, it's like I can feel the sadness emanating from the place. I can tell if it was a battle field where a lot of people lost their lives or if it was a battle field of very few tragedies, even without prior knowledge of what happened there. Maybe this part is beside the point, but it's just something I felt I should throw in here.

Someone suggested to me once that I possibly had a terrible experience during the Civil War, in a past life. Like I said before, I'm not sure where I stand on that idea, but I'm willing to accept it as a possibility.

I'm just posting because I would like to hear anyone's thoughts on the matter. How can I be interested in something and love "playing" it so much, yet be so offended by the actual event? I just don't understand myself, lol. Thoughts?

(I apologize if I put this in the wrong place. If so, mods, do your thang! )

Hello to ya,just a thought would be like you said your just "playing" you know all around you are just putting on a play. but when your outside the play like watching the movie its very differrent your out of the loop,maybe like a past life standing on the sidelines watching people butcher each other.
i really have no clue but just an idea.

i get freaked by scary movies and im some what paraniod about ghost being in this old house im moving into. Humans are some complex beings were all abit off for some reason.

well best wishes to you and all,LoKi

reply to post by Tungsten core


I have to agree with you about putting on a play. I have respect for every single soldier who died for what he believed in, but I will admit that the atmosphere at most reenactments is a cheerful one. We're all like family and it's just a pleasant experience, minus the feelings I get from the battle fields. It feels good knowing that today, we can all get along. I'm a "rebel" and dating a yankee, lol. That would have been grounds for hanging back in the day.

So, you are likely right. I just don't understand why that particular war bothers me so deeply.

Playing Doctors and Nurses with your wife is a lot more fun then working in an Emergency ward.
Being a male stripper dressed as a Fireman is a lot easier then putting out fires.

How could it possibly not feel different?

It's fun to wear nice clothes, it's not fun to get shot at

reply to post by gemineye


Hey Geminieye,

I enjoyed reading your post, thanks for sharing. Here's a shot in the dark, are you able to trace back your lineage aka family tree?. Maybe you have a connection to the civil war from your ancestry?

You are an american, a descendent of a great people who were not afraid to fight for themselves and their future. We, the next generations, will always remember their sacrifices they had made for us today.

It is those memories, tragic or uplifting, that lives within us over what had happened and its outcome.

Make peace with the past. What had happened cannot be unchanged. Learn from those cherished memories and ensure that the past errors will never happen again this generation and that which is good, we must all improve upon for the next generations.

Let go of the past, and live with hope for a better tomorrow. Alone, you and I are insignificant, but when combine, we have the power to change events for the better, the same hope that your forefather had when he lived during those turbulent times...

reply to post by OnTheFelt


Odd that you should mention that, ontheFelt. I have been tracing my heritage for the past month and I have MANY Civil War soldiers in my family, from both sides of the war. Some survived the war and some didn't. I have several cases of brother against brother, and several fathers and sons who fought together. My grandmother remembers her great-grandfather who was in the war and told her stories of it. Obviously, he survived, but he spoke of very hard times. She just told me about this recently. I had no idea he had told her stories of it. I found it fascinating.

Thank you for your post! You could be right! I suppose I'm connected to the war in many ways.

reply to post by SeekerofTruth101


Thank you Seeker, I do feel that I need to make peace with the past. I'm just not sure how to do that. Maybe reenacting is my way of trying to do that. I know it has worked for some of the reenactors... I guess I just haven't reached that point yet. I will be able to be far more involved during the next reenactment season, so hopefully that will help.

Great advice! Thank you so much for the reply!

reply to post by gemineye


You sound like an empath. Link below will give you info about it.

healing.about.com...

My feelings about this are by you playing the civil war chick role, you are so busy expressing yourself in a non-violent way, that it quiets your empathy for the pain and suffering experieced by others brought on by this war because you don't have time to feel it or watch it due to you now moving into the experience yourself. Your empathy is likely stronger than ever now and your yearning inside to know why is troubling you because you just don't have the lingering energy of the civil war to contend with but the fact that currently our country is divided so badly, it is adding to the "war energy".

In real time it was obviously bloody, with horrible sounds of anguish, so much pain during the battles. It's too much for you to watch. It is out of your control because it is the past and an ugly scar in history.

With you playing a part of a lady during this time, well, you can change the past in a sense and there is no real violence. Men you pal with PLAY dead, but you see them get up again. There is no fear in the air, just fun. You are in control in this situation.

It is important to know your energy provides a balance for those who engage in these role playing games and are not repelled by violence who also feed off of the negative energy these battle fields contain. Not everyone playing role games are well intentioned empaths who are soul searching such as you.

May I suggest to take a purifying bath with salts and lots of bubbles, invoke the Lord's prayer and ask for His protection after a day of role playing in order to rid yourself of any lingering negative energy clinging to you? If you don't it will build up and manifest in some kind of sickness, mentally or physically. I would hate to see you go through any unnecessary ordeals when it just takes a minute or two to type basic info...

Be well

reply to post by gemineye



I have a pretty good idea about something that may be in your astrological chart. I would suggest that you get a professional to cast and read your birthchart especially with regard to your past lives. I am not going to say exactly what but if you do so do come back to your OP.

Rgds
T

reply to post by davespanners


Agreed, lol. I think there's a little more that I'm trying to convey, but it's hard to explain exactly how I feel. But speaking of doctors and nurses, I do always wonder what's going on inside those canvas tents at night, HAHAHA!

reply to post by Key-Minder


Thank you so much! I have long expected that I am an empath. I've always been quick to pick up on the feelings of others and sometimes to the point that it almost drives me crazy because I just can't get the particular person and his/her feelings out of my head. I can't stand suffering and pain... whether it be mental or physical, and sometimes I just feel so sorry for people that it affects my day-to-day life.

Thank you very much for the link. I'll go check it out right away. Your post really resonates with me and I will follow your advice. Thanks again!

reply to post by tiger5


Thank you! I've wanted to get a past life reading for quite some time, but I have been told that I'm very hard to read. One person did make an attempt, on another site once, and some of what she said made sense, yet other parts just didn't feel right. That doesn't mean she was wrong, but I don't know... I wasn't sure what to think, really.

If I do manage to get a good reading, I'll be sure to come back and post!

Gemineye:
I am a sensitive, but dont speak of it unless prompted by a situation. I keep these generally to myself to keep from having to explain. I see some good here in speaking with you. I also see and feel you are a 'sensitive' and not just an empath. People, places, things, objects, music, books, plays, movies and tv shows trigger memories and feelings held deep within your subconsciousness. You should keep a journal of these feelings, no matter how insignificant. When they come to pass and are proven to have been true and valid, it will give you confidence in your gut reactionary-feelings.

I also find it interesting your ATS name is GEM-IN-EYE (Gemini-the Twins). 2 people. I 'd be curious as to your birthdate! Go within yourself, trust your instincts, and learn from your past lives, to go forth in this one.

I always say..."Peace. Love 'n Light...Always" Because it is...and they are. Always. God Bless.

Mysterioustranger (tho not so much to you...as we have both been here before) Contact me anytime.

reply to post by mysterioustranger


Thank you so much, mysterioustranger! The thought of keeping a journal had never crossed my mind before and I think that's a wonderful idea! I'll start doing that right away.

You are correct in that I do sometimes get feelings from objects. I've had several items in the past that I just couldn't keep in my house. The first example that pops into my head is a book that a friend gave me. It was an old book, from 1879, I think it was. It was a book of poetry and was absolutely beautiful , but looking at it made me feel so strange. I don't want to say that it felt evil, because that wasn't it exactly. It just gave me a bad feeling... it felt very negative and I had to get rid of it. I've also seen objects that make me feel good. My sister has a couple antique rocking chairs and one of them gives the warmest feeling, just by looking at it. I always thought I was nuts, lol. One thing I've noticed lately, that I never did really notice before is that railroad tracks give me the oddest feeling. I can't say it's a creepy feeling... I don't know how to put it into words really. I've never understood why I feel the way I feel about certain inanimate objects, lol!

Oh, and I'm a gemini. Born June 5th. I just really liked the play on words when I made the account. Thank you for your reply! It helped me feel better about the way I feel about things, if that makes any sense, lol. I never did really consider myself to be sensitive, but maybe I am. After reading at the link another poster gave, I know for sure that I'm an empath. It described me to a T! I would love to talk to you more. U2U me anytime you wish!

Hey Gemineye,

A humble shot from the dark if I may...

1) To clear the fear / emotion / etc of that time in (possibly) one of your past lives, try the following:
As you're walking along a path where you are comfortable (perhaps a park, tree'd area, lake, desert), feel the emotions (more specifically the thought-form memories of the emotional body, as "emotion" is fuel for the soul-thought complex) releasing themselves from you. One could visualize it as a release or shedding of energy, or a shadow-self being let go of as its purpose is now obsolete (the lesson is learned...). As it is let go of, you will energetically feel lighter. It can take only a minute to do each time, so it can easily be done almost anywhere, though it may take numerous attempts to clear everything out. Don't forgive any of it (that empowers ego), just let it go. Be Finished with it, by sound Choice. If a thought / emotion / memory sticks around, analyze the thought. Does it reflect something in this life? Might there be a lesson to learn from such a scenario still?

2) If you meditate (in any style or form), imagine yourself during the war. What instantly fills your heart? Observing it as an outsider looking in, what comes to mind? Not during the re-enactment thoughts...

3) During meditation (or any quiet time), try to gain access to, and read, the contract of that time/life (This Is Key To All Life In The Third Dimension.) What does it say? There will also be a memory signature tied to it...

With Humble Regards,

Wolfgang

reply to post by wolfgang1812


Thanks very much, Wolfgang. I'll do that! It's a snowy, icy mess right now, but as soon as I can safely walk in nature, without breaking any bones, I'll do that, LOL!

I've had trouble meditating lately. I love to meditate, but staying focused has been difficult for the past month or so. I still make the attempt though, because I think some meditation is better than none at all. I like your idea about releasing the energy. That really resonates with me, so I'm guessing it's very likely that it will work.

Thanks so much for everything! I was so hesitant to post this here. I had been wanting to for quite a while, but I kept holding back, but now that I finally have, I'm thrilled with the answers I've gotten. I appreciate the advice and understanding so much!

reply to post by gemineye


Honestly? Your 'vibe' jumped right off the page when I first read your initial post. One like yourself and I, as you will see, will recognize another with the same gift(s). It is words between 2 that have no sound. I hear yours loudly.

Because you seek this, you know... and have already proven your gift to yourself. Your knowledge is evident to yourself inwardly, usually before your exterior realizes it. You should realize as well, this is proof to-you-from-you, that even if your family thought it strange, your own karma, chi, ability, gifts, were more secure within and without you, than their interpretation.

Look at it as a form of validating or confirmation...for-you-from-you-about-you. Think of this. You sought confirmation for something you already had a hunch about, and that hunch was correct. And that ability directed itself outwardly to give you a reason to seek answers. Answers your inside knew... but needed to validate by your searching OUTWARDLY.

It is a form of affirmation back to the subconcious. So now you know that what you suspected all along was right. Its now up to you to best decide why you have this, what you can do about it, and how to use it to the best of your abilities(?). Seek to use this wisely.

I'd like to send you a story about a trip to an antique store where I encountered some very strange things near 150 year old paintings and animal heads. I had to jump out of the way...to get away.

If you have an email Ill send it. Please DONT give out any personal email info and protect yourself. If you can provide a secure and generic way to get it to you, I will send.

Peace.

Originally posted by Key-Minder
reply to post by gemineye

 

May I suggest to take a purifying bath with salts and lots of bubbles, invoke the Lord's prayer and ask for His protection after a day of role playing in order to rid yourself of any lingering negative energy clinging to you? If you don't it will build up and manifest in some kind of sickness, mentally or physically. I would hate to see you go through any unnecessary ordeals when it just takes a minute or two to type basic info...

Um... before invoking the Lord's prayer, try clearing the energy out yourself. The bath will help, Epson salt works well. Feel the negativity melt away into the water and be washed away when the tub is drained. You'll feel it.. your chest / shoulder muscles will loosen, you will breathe a bit lighter, your body muscles will relax a bit more than usual... Only call in a Deity (ies) / angels if you really need to.

Also, when you go to these events, practice putting up your auric shields. Imagine yourself and your aura filled with white light, and blue light at its edge. The brighter the better, don't worry about if it slips your mind, practice a bit here and a bit there and it will re-engage the autonomic sequences.

Agreed, the build up of energy can produce dis-ease... Clearing it is easy to do.

Taleo.

W

reply to post by mysterioustranger


I would love to hear your stories! I have more that I want to say in response to what you have told me, but it's nearly 3 a.m. and my brain is shutting down, ha ha! But, by all means, please feel free to share your experiences with me! You can U2U me, if you wish. If not, I'll happily send you my email address.

I'm going to get back to you tomorrow on your post. Just need to rest my weary head a bit first, lol.