Hug A Republican
- Or, How To Change The World By Squeezing A Right-Winger -
Author’s Note: Although the following article is aimed at an American audience, it’s message can easily be adapted for any country in which the
political right holds an undue amount of power. The British Conservative Party, Nationalists, the German Christian Democratic Union, French
neo-Fascists, the Australian Christian Democrats, whoever – if your political opposition is misguided, embittered and miserly, this article is for
you! Feedback and Way Above votes are appreciated - and I suspect flames are inevitable
It should be no surprise to anyone that the civilised world is facing a dark threat – a threat which has dangerously increased since September the
11th 2001. This black-hearted, sinister menace –
What? Who mentioned the War on Terror? No, you misunderstand me - I’m talking about Republicanism
Since the World Trade Centre fell, militant Republicans have emerged from their caves and dungeons, and begun not only walking the streets during the
hours of daylight, but talking to the press and trying to recruit the feeble-minded into their dark ranks. While the effects of their bizarre beliefs
and strange cult-like behaviour are well understood, the important question, which has gone unanswered, is “why are they like this?” Why do
reasonable people give up on decency and good, old-fashioned courtesy, and cross the Black Divide into Republicanism? The answer is, at the same
time, complex and simple. Ready? Here it is:
Republicans aren’t Republicans by choice. It’s not a vocation, nor is it a political decision. It’s nothing more than a temporary status, a
. Republicans are Republicans only because they share the same predicament, the same crippling affliction.
Republicans are afraid.
No, don’t bother scanning down the page, that’s really it. The whole deal. Republicans are afraid
. Of everything. All the time
They’re afraid of crime. They’re afraid of illness and death. They’re afraid of unemployment and of poverty. They’re afraid of ethnic minorities.
They’re afraid of liberals. They’re particularly
afraid of liberal ethnic minorities. They’re afraid of women, so they fight the right to
choose and gleefully enforce unjust discriminatory laws. They’re afraid of each other, so they arm themselves with handguns and rifles. They’re
afraid of handguns and rifles, so they arm themselves with more
handguns and rifles. They’re afraid of sex, so they try and forget it exists,
and they’re afraid of the dark, untapped depths of sexuality, so they bitterly condemn homosexuals and “perverts”. They’re afraid of their own sins,
so they try and buy their way into heaven by praying really hard and hoping God wasn’t paying careful attention. They’re afraid of their countrymen,
so they fiercely protect their own freedoms. They’re afraid of foreigners, so they fiercely limit and constrict the freedoms of others. They’re
afraid of criminals, so they advocate the death penalty, but they’re afraid of receiving
the death penalty, so they advocate budget cuts in the
police force. They’re afraid of the working class, so they band together in golf clubs, and they’re afraid of the government, so they band together
They’re afraid. Every minute, of every hour, of every day they are woefully, irrationally afraid.
And what can you, a concerned citizen, do to rectify this terrible situation? That, thankfully, is the easy part, and it doesn’t even require any
special equipment or expensive rehab.
All you need, ladies and gentlemen, is love.
Hugging: Good For You, Good For Your Country
If you’d like to help make the world a better place by relieving some Republican fear, follow these simple steps.
Stage One: Select Your Target
Any person who calls themselves a Liberal should have received extensive “Know Thy Enemy” training courses which will allow you to detect a Republican
at one hundred yards. Just to refresh your memory, watch out for people who are carrying a pair of handguns and an assault rifle when they’re driving
through the city in their SUV while wearing a “Pro-Lifers Do It Without Precautions” T-shirt and a “Texas Supports the Death Penalty” baseball cap,
even as they are telling their children they’re only allowed to watch The Simpsons
because “that Flanders guy had his head on straight”.
Stage Two: The Hug
Getting the hug right is important. The wrong hug, you see, will be deflected by the patented Mighty Armour of Fear, so it’s important that you avoid
the fleeting hug, the uncommitted hug, the one-armed hug, the rib-cracking hug, the squirmy hug, the indifferent hug, the not-entirely-platonic hug,
the ephemeral hug, the hesitant hug, or the manly back-slapping home-run hug. None of these will work.
Instead, simply put your arms around the person. If they are shorter, rest their head against your chest. If they are taller, rest your head against
their chest (see below for the perils of the cross-gender hug). Hold them in a firm but yielding embrace, and simply wait for their fears to subside.
Some of the more hard-line Republicans may, at this stage, be confronted with the fathomless depths of their own ignorant terror, and break the hug,
often accompanying the physical rejection with a tirade of foul language. If this happens, turn on your heel and walk away. Some other good-hearted
Liberal will hug that person on another day, and, eventually, their resistances will crumble.
Stage Three: The Potentially-Awkward Post-Hug Moment
After the hug, you may find the situation has become somewhat uncomfortable. Now cleansed of their petty, irrational fears, your designated
ex-Republican may be quite overcome with emotion. Shock, regret, grief and enormous, choking guilt are all common signs, depending on the length of
time they suffered under Republicanism and the political power they achieved by exploiting the fear of others. This is the time when good old Liberal
compassion comes to the fore. If you think your deRepublicanated companion would benefit from conversation or consolation, go to it. When they seem
stronger, and the tears have stopped, resist the urge to linger, because the chances are there is another afflicted Republican nearby who could
benefit from the same kind treatment.
The Perils of Huggery
In an ideal world, hugging a Republican would be a simple prospect – but, unfortunately, Republicans
are often simple, while hugging can be
quite complicated. I would be remiss in my duties, therefore, if I didn’t warn you of the potential hazards of hugging.
Republicans, as I’ve shown above, have a problem with ethnic minorities unless they are changing the beds in a hotel or playing the “comic relief”
supporting role in the latest Hollywood blockbuster. Therefore, approach your ethnically-tinged Republican Hug with care.
If you (the hugger) are a member of an ethnic minority
Some Republicans will call the police if you approach within three feet of them. This is because they automatically assume that any unescorted person
of “foreign” stock is an escaped convict, armed psycho, or somehow contaminated in a non-specific but terrifying way. You must, at this point, make a
judgement call. If your potential huggee looks like a reasonable, well-adjusted Republican (congratulations on finding one), then you’ll probably be
okay. If, on the other hand, your target is wearing a “Niggers Go Home” T-shirt, a baseball cap with a Confederate Flag on the front, or a white
bed-sheet, you might want to reconsider.
If your target (the huggee) is a member of an ethnic minority
If there is some doubt that your target is a Republican, then go ahead and hug them. If, however, you are one hundred percent sure that your target
is both a Republican and a member of an ethnic minority, then you should just gaze at them sadly, shake your head, and walk away. Some people are
The Gender Issue
As explained above, Republicans have huge problems with issues of sex and sexuality. Therefore, one must be aware of the “gender” problem when
contemplating a Healing Hug.
If you (the hugger) are female
You shouldn’t have a problem. Women can hug other women without any trouble – and frankly, any up-tight Republican male will be grinning like a fool
at the possibility of getting close to a friendly Liberal lady. Just be sure not to mention your views on contraception or abortion at the critical
moment, as he might suffer a right-wing spasm of guilt and injure himself.
If you (the hugger) are male
You are standing on dangerous ground, my hugger friend. Hugging a Republican can be a treacherous business for those of us blessed with testes. If
your designated huggee is a woman, then the usual forms and courtesies apply. Ask if she would mind being hugged, and treat her reply with respect.
If your chosen target is a man, however, you need to be aware of an important fact: Republicans, by and large, split into two groups on the subject of
hot man-on-man action. The more informed, educated minority (Republican-Lites) accept that homosexuality is both legally and morally acceptable, and
are comfortable enough with their own identity and preferences to enjoy a platonic hug. The other group, however, are terrified by homosexuality (see
above) and are prone to freaking out if confronted with the possibility of a masculine torso-squeeze. If your target is one of the less-enlightened
variety, there’s something you need to know.
Make sure no-one’s listening, and come a little closer.
There’s a very fine line between homosexual
. They share a lot of the same letters, after all. I don’t want to impugn the
suspiciously-intense masculine heterosexuality of these staunch gun-toting Republicans, but remember – statistically speaking, one in eight of them is
in the closet.
And the ones that protest the loudest…
I think we understand one another.
Happiness Is Only A Hug Away
My friends, I have a dream. I dream of a bright, sunny day, in the main street of your town, where every grumpy Republican is wrapped up in the arms
of a warm-hearted Liberal. Change will be slow – after all, we have to undo decades of lies and fear – but it will
come. Eventually, their
expressions will soften into confusion, then into joy. Slowly but surely, the Republican party will wither and die, their hatred and anxiety and
fear unravelling in the face of wholesome Liberal love. Then, and only then, will the world be freed from the tyrannies of
ignorance and dread.
But we need to get them all. It only takes one unhugged Republican to spread the lies and the fear all over again, to twist the minds of the
vulnerable and turn them into Bush-voting paranoids. That means, ladies and gentlemen, that it’s down to every single one of us – you, yes
, need to hug your share.
So get out there. Do your civic duty, and make the world a better place. Hug a Republican today!