reply to post by The_Liberator
So many things come to mind with this, I don't know where to start, so I'll just number them as quickly as I can rattle them off. Bear in mind,
I've been married a LONG time and have grandchildren, so please don't take offense....read all the way down and I will offer some help at the
1. Your verbal exchange sounds normal of any young marriage where proper communication and compromise isn't present. Using a disorder "label" as a
crutch to do the exact same thing to her is just absurd, but I blame your therapist for that. I had to read the definition of narcissistic disorder,
because I didn't know, and I was laughing hysterically....it describes just about everyone at some point in their life. Seriously? This is why I am
staunchly against labels of any sort. Don't ever let people label you or those you love. You are only what you decide to be, and others will only
ever be to you what you expect them to be. The moment the therapist "diagnosed" her was the moment you guys were at the point of no return.
2. I empathize with your frustration and anger, but it's ironic that the very thing you accused your wife of being, you came off as sounding as well.
Did you notice it? I didn't read past the first page, but at least two other posters noticed it too. This is not an attack on you, rather, we all
do this....we point out the very flaws in others that we hate in ourselves, so it's not just you! The people in our lives mirror us, whether we like
it or not. This is good to realize, as hard as it may seem, because it allows you to approach your problems from a completely different
3. Silly question....if you fought about exposing too much TV to your son, why on earth did you buy her an Apple TV, given that she's the main
caregiver of your child? I don't know how old your child is, but if he's not of school age yet and your wife stays at home, this appears to be a
contradiction from you. In which case, I would understand her comment about not having time if she's considering your protest about exposing your
son to too much TV. It's apparent by her response that it wasn't what SHE wanted, but perhaps something maybe YOU wanted. This would make any wife
hot under the collar. However, from a man's perspective, I can understand that you gave her something that you felt you both would enjoy together.
From her perspective, it was her day, not yours. I get this!
4. Throwing her a surprise party was really nice of you, however, women are funny creatures. You can do 20 things right, but it's that one thing
that's super important to her that if you get wrong, it overshadows everything else. Trust me, I know! Did you ask her what she wanted?
5. If I may, I'd like to point out that you were honest enough to state that she is HIGHLY dissatisfied with your negativity and criticisms. Her
feelings are valid, and that's the first step to fixing things. If you discount her feelings, as I stated earlier, based on a "label" of a
disorder, then you've already lost. If you ARE negative and highly critical of her, no marriage can withstand that.
Advice from a perfect stranger:
1. Stop reading ATS and conspiracy sites....let them go...they have now infiltrated your life so much that your marriage is all but shattered. YOU
make the choice as to what your reality is or isn't.
2. Think long and hard that it takes two to tango....you are equally at fault here.
3. Sit down and make a list of all the things you love about her. Forget your pride and just do it. When you're done, write her a nice card and
list these things in it and present it to her with some roses, or whatever flowers are her favorite. Do you know her favorite flowers?
4. Don't give up....get your ass in gear, get off of ATS, keep your personal life between the two of you and no one else, and commit to grow with
her. You too, have some growing and changing to do, not just her.
5. Speak words of faith to her always...words are powerful. If you criticize, you will destroy. If you praise, compliment and are gentle with your
words, she will grow. Don't believe me? There have been multiple studies over the years as to the effects of words, not just music types, on
plants. Those that were spoken to regularly in a loving way, flourished and grew beautifully. Those that were spoken to with anger, hatred, and
criticized for imperfections were stunted, sickly, and/or died. Humans are no different. Your words define your household, and you are the king of
that household....take control of your words, and your home will be blessed. I can't state it any clearer than that.
6. Dump your therapist....what a ripoff. You'd be better spending your money on a marriage course from Tony Robbins where you will at least learn
about each other and yourselves in the process.
Best wishes, and don't you dare give up. You've come this far, don't deny either of you the opportunity to grow and become better by giving up
now. This is only a mountain you must go over, and there will many throughout your marriage, but how you traverse this one sets the pace for all
other mountains in your life and your marriage and/or future marriages.