reply to post by The_Liberator
Even if your wife is narcissist, we all are to some extent, you really don't see what you did to her do you?
"I can't count the times that I have lectured my wife on being more caring when her f'ed up daughter is ill or in pain."
It sounds like you constantly lectured her. I don't care who you are, eventually the person being lectured constantly is going to put up walls, get
angry, and feel they are being attacked. If she truly has a narcissist personality, then this would have expounded the problem.
Why did you feel the need to lecture instead of communicate with her? Lecturing is way different than communicating. My husband lectured me a lot,
accused me of not caring, and etc. It is not that I didn't care, it was that I was too emotionally drained.
We almost got divorced, except God made a change in our lives, we got counseling, and he finally saw what he was doing to me. He was tearing me down
to the point where I could not give emotionally to anyone. Since I was emotionally drained, I didn't have any to give to the kids. I don't have a
personality disorder. I realized that as my husband changed, I needed to change and break down the wall I built for self protection. It was tough not
to snap at him when he was actually trying to communicate with me. There were times when I wasn't sure if he was really trying to communicate, or if
he was resorting to attacking me again.
It also sounds like you resorted to reports and studies to prove your point. Because you resorted to studies, you felt you were always right. When she
brought up counter points reports, they were always wrong weren't they? If this built up long enough, no wonder she lashed out when you read the
report that it was bad for kids to watch to much TV.
At this point in time, it wasn't a discussion or talking point. It was another attack on her, and how she handles the kids. You already lectured her
quite enough on how she handled the kids in the first place. Really, how else was she suppose to look at it? With this attack, she just put another
brick in the wall for self-defense, which severs the communication between the two of you.
Now after you lectured her about how she treats the kids, tell the report about how it is bad if the kids watch too much TV, you then have the
audacity to buy a TV thus rubbing it in her face. By buying a TV you are also being hypocritical. Why buy a new TV when you don't want your kids to
watch it as much? If the kids are not allowed to watch it as much, when will she ever be able to watch it, except to sit down and watch the kids shows
because they may now only be watching an hour or half hour? That is not enough time to watch a movie. By the time the kids go to bed, more than likely
she still doesn't have time to her self. Either she may try to pick up after the kids and you, is bracing herself for another argument, or is soo
tired from the emotional distress that has built up in her that all she wants to do is sleep. I know that is how it was with me dealing with an
extremely difficult husband.
"Once I asked her if she would mind getting me a towel after a shower and she said "yes massa" "
I said that to my husband also, and it is a statement that she feels like you are trying to control her life, and she feels that she has no room to
"Used to hit her daughter constantly until I forbid it in our house."
That I'll admit is not good. Then again, if you don't believe in giving a swat on the but for misbehavior, you could very well see any spanking
discipline action as constantly hitting. If she was constantly hitting your daughter, thus putting her in danger, why didn't you take your child with
you when you left? If she wouldn't let you, why didn't you contact social services, or call the police? She was putting your daughter in physical
and emotional danger. Or are you really just lashing out at her trying to make her look like a demon?
I know before when things were bad between my husband and I, he would have done the exact same thing as you did. Except he had more of a spine, and
cared for his kid much, much more than you ever did. He would have never leave without his daughter, and he would have never let me leave with her. If
I ever did, I know he would hunt me down to the ends of the Earth. Thankfully things never got that bad. I believe knowing he cared so much is one of
the reasons things got better between us.
Don't even try to claim you love your child that much now, after you already abandoned her to her supposedly abusive mother who is incapable of
caring about anyone or anything.
"My wife was abusing the sh!t out of me and I left. What is your point again?"
How did she abuse you? All you have shown is how much emotional abuse you have given your wife, and how she was forced to defend her self against you.
I think you did her a favor by leaving. She is probablly much happier without all the stress you caused her. Now her life may be able to get back to
normal. if your wife is narcissist, I can see where you really aggravated the problem to no end. You never said anything about trying to be
compassionate and caring towards her. Yes you went to counseling, big whoop. You went to change her. It doesn't work that way, you need to go in and
be able to see your own faults as well without laying all the blame on her.
Do you lay blame on everyone around you when things go wrong instead of taking a look at yourself? It is every ones fault but yours? You did nothing
wrong. Am I Right?
"If she is willing to accept that she has a major MAJOR problem, then I am willing to consider moving back in. "
Wait a minute here. Did a doctor determine she is narcissist, or did you just label her yourself? There is a major problem if you don't have a
doctor's backing on her condition. If a doctor or phycologist (spelling?) has determined her condition, why wasn't she prescribed anything, going to
therapy, or something?
Or is it her condition is all in your head to justify your leaving, just as you are using your position on global warming to justify your leaving. It
really now seems like all your doing is using excuses to justify your own behavior. If so, your the one who needs the help.
Further more, just because someone disagrees with you doesn't necessarily mean they are wrong, have a problem, or a personality disorder.
Just from what I read so far, is sounds like you are a control freak. Everyone must agree with you, or they are dumb. If they are smart, and you can
tell they can more than hold your own against you, then you start labeling the person such as calling them deniers. I suspect you did some googling
online, read about narcissism, and labeled your wife also.
All that I know as of right now is there is much more going on here than is being stated by you. It would be interesting to hear her side of the
story. I'm not going to say I'm 100% right, but from my experiences with whom use to be an emotionally abusive husband who tried to control me with
what ever means he had possible including storming out of the house threatening to leave. I can sympathize with your wife. The real problems is that
for the longest time he didn't see or even want to acknowledge what he was doing to me. All he wanted was for me to see what I was doing to him.
Finally, he saw that what I was doing to him was actually protecting myself against him and his controlling behavior. Yes, he did get angry, and I can
see the anger coming from you as you talk about your wife.
It is definitely probablly a good thing you left when you did before she really got to the point of thinking that she is no good after being
constantly being beaten down year after year. Her life is worth nothing, that the only thing good in her life is the children, other wise why live? If
she was stable enough even after taking a beating on her emotions, she just might have divorced you and kicked you out instead.
Somehow I don't think you have been married all that long, especially if you only have one 8 month old child. I was in year 10 of being emotionally
abused before I seriously started thinking of jumping off of a bridge. Thankfully we have gotten God in our lives. I'm sure without Jesus, he never
would have agreed to the counseling. Since then things have just been getting better and better. One last point, it wasn't until we saw a christian
counselor that things started to work out for us.
Things can still work out between the two of you, but you do need to realize what role you are playing in her behavior just as much as she needs to
realize her role she is playing in your behavior. Both of you need to realize how you are affecting each other, and need to adapt to each others
needs, wants, and desires. Only then can you really have a real relationship. If the councilor isn't helping you to see that, then either that is a
terrible councilor or you just down out right refuse to see it.