Women. Worth it?

I, as some of you know, lost my girlfriend a year ago. Now i have taken the route from suicidal binge drinking and other tendencies to total depression-sleeping-18hrs-a-day and now am starting to rebound back.

So i met this girl, she seemed strong and nice and we ended up texting hundreds of text messages in a few weeks, speaking on the phone for hours, which led to us spending a week together after i helped her move to a new apartment (which was even closer to where i live). We ended up snuggling and even sleeping together but no sex. I was not ready for it and i am not sure about her either. It felt nice again to have someone to hug and kiss in this cold winter while watching tv in candlelight.

Then suddenly, after this week she got some trouble that i won't go into in more detail, but it has to do with money. After that she has not kept in contact with me, not answered my txt:s or IM (haven't even tried to call)

Is this in any case acceptable? Should i just forget her and accept she used me and just needed someone to help her with the move, or could the stress she has to go through be so great that she is entitled to ignore my contact attempts?

Have you tried to call her? You know more about the money problem details and if it appears that she needs to take care of things immediately with that - well that just might be what she is doing. Try to put yourself in her position as if you had the same problem. Try to be patient for a while and not worry - hope all works out well in the end.

Yeah, this happens. Sorry for your loss.

There are those out there who will manipulate a situation like that. If you're looking for someone that fulfill your physical desires, you are much more likely to find someone who will end up biting you in the ass. If that's your thing, then go for it. Or, you could be more selective, and find someone who is beautiful, but doesn't know they are. Like an ugly duckling thing. That way, they've developed the skills necessary to actually have a relationship of any kind.

I don't know how old you are, but I've found (early, to my great fortune) that the outer beauties REALLY SUCK when they're attached to someone who's ugly on the inside. Those ones are not worth it.

When you find another one who is a real person and you get along, it's worth it.

Gooruck Arrin!!!

I'm afraid big guy that you were used. But your not the only. I too had this exact same scenario played out years ago. I had a good job, which in turn ment good money, and very little responsibilities. Hooked up with this girl, and later came to find out, that not only was she leading me on, but used me for finances to further herself. Drop kick her! You don't need the added stress.

Side note, you said you lost your original girl, meaning, dumped or did she pass away? Because if there was a loss of life, it may be time to find " you ", and get your direction going first. Remember, always...look out for number one!
Carpe Diem

reply to post by above
Good to read you are coming out of your funk!

So this:

After that she has not kept in contact with me, not answered my txt:s or IM (haven't even tried to call)

Is this in any case acceptable? Should i just forget her and accept she used me and just needed someone to help her with the move, or could the stress she has to go through be so great that she is entitled to ignore my contact attempts?

So, you're feeling used, but the only attempt you've made are texts and IM. A friendship/relationship is not text or IM based. If she is someone you like call her. Talk to her. Go see her. All those other "modes of communication" will keep you in contact, sure, but they won't make a casual friendship turn into deep friendship or a relationship and they won't put you at the top of her "friends to rely on" if she's stressed (and money is the #1 stressor in a relationship, behind tragedy).

_______________________________
ETA: and very sorry for your loss, that can take a lot of time to work through. Be good to yourself and give yourself the space and the time you need, however much that is.

And if you get depressed like that again, get three jobs. That works for me.

reply to post by Whereweheaded


She passed away unexpectedly.

I know txt, im and so forth is not the same thing as real interaction, but ignoring them seems to me that she does not want to have contact with me.

reply to post by above


Sorry for your loss man!

maybe what you need is new hobby, remote control aircraft....cars..models...something to take a break from it all, and find " you "?

reply to post by Whereweheaded


As i said, i am starting to get on my feet, i would not have been able to be in contact with this girl a few months ago. Now i am just asking your experiences/opinions was i just used, does she not know what she want, and is ignoring like this in any case acceptable?

reply to post by above

Give her a call. If she doesn't want to talk, or doesn't return a voicemail, then you'll have a clearer view of the picture. Texts and IM's don't have the impact and are difficult to judge. Many people don't answer them and/or put them at the bottom of the list of things to do.

Sounds like you're asking for relationship advice. There should be a section in your local newspaper for that (:

Sorry for your loss.
You know more details than us but I think based on whats posted is it can be a number of things.

Some people have too much "pride" when first seeing someone and having personal or financial issues.

One of my relatives was just starting to date a 'friend of a friend' and the first few weeks were great until she lost hours at work, backed up on rent n got an eviction notice. She didnt tell him anything during that time being that they just met, she didnt want to feel like she was throwing her problems at the new guy. So when she got her court notice, she stopped calling him. For weeks he would txt her everyday and call her phone at least once. She wasnt mad at him, but she wanted to deal with her financial problems without telling anyone and pretending to be fine. They eventually spoke but it wasnt fair to him, and it wasnt the same again. Not saying thats your friend's case, just an example.

It's also possible she couldve used you. But maybe you should try calling or seeing her.

I don't think she used you, I think she friended you and just doesn't want to involve you in her issues at this time.

Some, sorry MOST girls are like that, if you don't move in quick they feel you are not interested enough in them and on the other hand if you move too quickly they think your only interested in one thing. The trick is to figure out what they want without asking, then give it to them.
If she is still interested she will call you within a month, be prepared.

Giving this person 'a call' is phenomenally bad advise, in my opinion. You correctly determined the agenda of this person, you felt pain for what you knew was true, and you're moving on. If you call this person, you will resent yourself for it.

The word resent comes from the Greek root senti, which means to feel. So naturally, resentment means to re-feel. You don't want to do that, do you?

Bottom line:
Do what you want to do that will give you closure (i.e. know what is going on with her) because asking for advice on a forum will get you a million different answers and confuse the situation even more. Move on or move forward, whatever you choose it's up to you, but make a choice... Limbo-land is a bad place to be for long...

Sorry for your situation. Hope things keep getting better for you. Just wanted to add that I don't particularly enjoy phone calls, texts, and IMs. This frustrates my friends and family sometimes when I get into a groove where I just don't feel like using any of those mediums to communicate, but really it is mood dependent.

I don't ignore people normally, I do use my phone and I text quite often, but if something is going on in my life that requires extreme focus, or if something bad is happening (like you say she has financial problems at the moment) stuff like that might indeed lead me to ignoring peoples contact. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, just saying that not everyone has the same inclinations to speak to people when their life seems in chaos. She may simply need space, or time to figure out a solution to her problem and perhaps socializing isn't high on her list right now? I guess really it depends on how close you guys were before she stopped contact.

But if she is ignoring you just to simply ignore you, then that should be worked out. Any decent person would tell someone if they no longer want to speak or aren't interested. I'm sure it'll work itself out. You are the best judge of the situation. I don't think calling is the best idea, because how much different is that really from texting.

If anything, I'd go see her in person if you really want the answer from her. If not that, I'd just leave it alone, stop trying to get ahold of her and see what happens. If she is playing games, then she might come to you if you ignore her back, sad to say. Maybe she is playing hard to get, or maybe she has changed her mind and doesn't have the heart to tell you. No matter what though, don't let it effect you too hard, and always remember what you are worth. I'm a woman but I don't disagree that we can be confusing at times. And it is definitely worth it when you find the right one.

Now she has texted me some really short messages answering one thing with a sentence basically, when i had sent her pages of text concerning different things yesterday. I think she is trying to tear us apart and therefore "not giving a bit".

The sad thing is is that i am going to have to go meet her once more, since she owes me money. This f2f meeting is going to be so different and awkward compared to before that i already dread it, that is if things don't change till monday. And i doubt they will.

I must have been a very naughty person in my past life since i get to suffer this much of bad karma now

reply to post by above


I'm going to assume that this "money problem" involves you lending her some cash. If that is true, you have your answer already. You were used.

Of course, you won't want to face the truth, most of us can't. I've been there. But if you are providing some "cover" for her by not telling us straight what the deal is over the money, then you are not ready to let her go...which is what you must do. Otherwise, you should be prepared to finance her again if she reappears in your life.

My advice IF she owes you substantial money: Don't contact her, and if she contacts you, simply say, "No," and see what happens.

Confront her in person or through the phone, and see what's up, even If you have to be blunt and to the point with her, in fact I would recommend you be blunt and to the point. If you took the time to ask for advice on this site, then you must at least feel something for whatever reason, so some sort of closure would be better, even if it's not what you wanted, at least you would know what's up, instead of wondering about it.

First Id like to say sorry for your loss.

Now concerning this girl, IMHO, you can go 2 ways with this. You can make attempt after attempt to contact her, and be disappointed every time. Or, you can except your losses, including any money, and walk away, knowing you tried.

I have in the past been in situations like that, and if I lend someone money and they avoid me, then I move on, and they never ask again. The first time I saw that was in a movie, A Bronx Tale, and the guy was chasing someone over some money, and he was stopped and told, that he should be thankful, because he just got rid of someone not worth it for a couple of bucks.

If you walk away now, you just ejected someone that didn't have your best interest at heart. I know a couple of people in my life that I would lend money to so they can go away.

Unless you lent her and obscene amount of money, I dont see that you would want to continue to bother with someone like that.

Good Luck, NRE.