Hello, from NewAgeMan.

Frist of all, I can barely see and type, I'm half in the bag here, having just celebrated with some friends, my learning disabled neighbor, and my ex con friend Mark, who thinks he can kill a man with a mere look, but who, like the rest of us, just wants to be loved! Needdless to say I really caught him off guard tonight in a rather unfortinate way as a reshult of my "learmings at ATS." when I pointed out to him something I'd learned from another poster here, with some difficulty and rebellion, relative to what can only be called the sexual conspiracy of all ages, but we'll set THAT aside for the time being. In a nutshell, what it amounts to is, I've recently be shown something that I am only just beginning ti investigate, and I thought I KNEW IT ALL, which has served me as the final "peace of the puzzle" in the destiny of my life, that I was being, an asshole. A brown noser, a kmow it all.

So first off - if you've read me here, forgive me for that, and for anyone who might for whatever reason thoroughly enjoy my contributions, and even respect me perhaps a great deal for my courage, now you know that I am flawed just like you, but I will make no excuses, none.

I've also been an a-hole at ATS, to a degree.

So I figured I'd just make my formal, incoherent, rambling introduction here, sloppily, to allow you the please of being in good company and neither having anything to prove, or be right about at all cost.

NAM is a hypocrite, a cigarette smoking, alchoholic drinking (periodically,*snip*, undisciplined, lonely, sexually frusytrated and right now, drunk*snip*..

Pretty sad, and probably NOT a good time to be making an intro at ATS, but i can't sleep, 'm on cloud nine, and I thought, what the hell, get in there and let them know you, as you are, not as the enlightened persona you present to the readers and the users at ATS.

So I'm a human being and a loser just like most, even a bit of an asshole at times, and perhaps - the most infantile, narcissistic, megalomaniacal poster, on ATS. Someone had to say, so there. It's me. I am that. I get OFF on posting to ATS, I'm so needy for acceptance and acknoeldgement, after posting I'll check back, even skimming hole threads, and all YOUR good content, only for my own "brilliant" post and what effect that may have had on you.

So, I owe everyone here a most drunken and sincere apology,. right off the bat.

I am a loser, a hypocrite, I am an addict, big time, who channels his energies here by channeling an authentic part of me as "the logos", that's no less real, but it SCARES me, to be honest. Just who adn what do I THINK I am anyway, that's absurd, and ridiculous, and yet, I just know that I'm not crazy. good crazy you could say.


About me, corporeally. I was born in a tiny village nothwest of Toronto called Orangeville Ontario. Don't worry, it's not going to be one of THOSE stories, I'm too drunk not to at least try to be amuzing.

When I was like three or four, there was a picture taken of me sitting betwreen my two beloved adopted brothers *snip*, but my head was as big as theirs, even though they were about five years older. My mother was Kay *snip* and my father Don (I don't care anymore about the NWO, who've read me before on the Newgroups, btw, and I'm not LYING here, in fact George W. Bush used to read my writings in from the newsgroup alt.politics.bush). His line, that he swtiched to, of "And may God STILL bless, the United States of America" that was a nod to me, although I later helped form the 9/11 truth movement, and was in effect, part of a small group of researchers who were responsible for Loose Change, and iterations. The most viewed video, in the history of the world I might add.

But you see, that's my problem, that bravado I just displayed, and in all truth, I need your help, to take the PLANK out of my own eye, before I try to remove, in vanity, the mere splinter from your eye, my brother genius, and I've seen you posting here, you are many, I am not the only one, perhaps not even the best among you. I DO love though, dearly, on the other side of my own narcissus, I want you to know that.

My form of "crazy" you see I'm smart enough to know that its the good crazy on the other side of the bad crazy. How do I know? I can SEE it working now, within myself and among my fellow man.

That said, part of my own geniuos, is not all good, and lightness, in part it was developed, my own awareness, through sin and evil, nothign major, but of the more regular variety as you could guess, some of which would be embarassing, let us say, and hey we've all got something locked away in that closet, and I just might be the crazier or the braver among us for coming right out with it, identifying it, in a very hopeful and loving sense in my signatuure.

At the same time, I do not want to be TOO hard on myself either. I know, in spite of my flaws, that I have a great gift, something that I am afraid to share to be honest, either with you, or eith anyone, and yet, whenever I DO share it, even if only in the form of the simplest geture and twinkling of an eye in authentic care and lovingkindness, and "cuteness" (my word for my sense of occasioanal enightenment, now intensifying drtamatically as a result of my sharing and "koinonia" with you here, you, even though I don't know you, have come to love, in spite of the fact that you have yet to accept me, not knowing who or what I AM, or, for that matter, just who and what I'm pretending to be, and thus, the purpose of this drunken rambling thread nearing Christmas.

Just to make you feel better - often times, I re-read my own posts, being the narcissist that I am (hey aren`t we all at some level at least I`ll admit it), and I think *snip*, you IDIOT, just who and WHAT precisely, do you think you ARE, and who are you pretending to beÉ!!! (quetion mark,*snip* that`s how bad it is I guess).

I am just like, you.

Statted out an atheist, with my dad being a minister of the United Church of Canada, although he started our as a cab driver, generally keeping all his money to himself from my mom, even when pregnant with me, the selfish prick, and I was convinced that he only went into the ministry, because it`s a good gig, free house (manse) and regular job and all that, visiting people, being liked, being a ``man of God`` (the hipocrite). One time, about the only time I was really proud of my dad, although I`d hate to say it, would be when I invited him to speak for the profession of the Mininstry, when doing one of those show and tell things in grade three. Recently, he came to me in a dream, Don , the obese Reverend, and I was sleeping in, sleeping the day away in facft, while letting down my young boss who owns the Headhinting Company I work at in Vancouver Canada (might this post get picked up on Google, my true identity, which I already give away in my Short Story sig identified - I no longer xare, I give up).

Let me tell you what scares me, and it`s so absurd - I need your help with this, in the most non-judgemental way..

I scare me, my ego scares me, my addictive personality, my degree of apparent egotism and narcissus, something you may have picked up on perhaps.. ( I can tell btw, that you are kind of taken aback by me, even revolted by my audacity and boldness, by what you might think of as a type of mentally ill Christ-like complex). I know. A true paranoid knows ALL this stuff, and can process it on the fly. So now I`m actively, creativity, infantile, megalomaniacal, narcissistic, and I don`t care, what can I do (maybe that`s the way Im made, to express that authentically and humbly).

I truth, like you, I don`t really know how I am, any more than anyone else, except, Jesus.

This is what you hate the most about me, my seemingly rational, logical, and well processed mind and language pattern, then I start repeating, over and over again, God, Jesus, God, Jesus - no wonder my ex-con ex-biker, ex-murderer friend Mark (he pretends that I don;t know he knows I know that he was there for a killing at some point down the line in all his Shinnaigans), had to run away, when I start to `go for the balls`in terms of identifying the REAL conspiracy of the ages (to be presented not by me, but by another ATS`r coming soon, something I`ve seen a shield attempted to be erected around, so to speak), who can blame him. Can you imagine wanting to make friends with a guy who think`s his mind and heart is turning into Jesus, telling you that `bad sex`with the wrong woman, done for the wrong reasons, imprisons you in an endless cycle of karma. How DARE I - the hypocrite, say such a thing... even as Christ, I am to do nothign but love him and be his friend, and allow my clear eye automatically remove the splinters from his eye.

As for my learning disabled neighbor, let us just say that the feeble minded IS the devil`s playground, in rather innocent and even humorous ways mind you, just waiting to bear fruit in another life. This guy, and I love him as my brother, is more easily distracted, by what can only be desribedx as `satan`than you can or ever will be, whowever you may be reading this - trust me. Must JOB then, is to be this guys nonjudgemental and supportive true FRIEND! Like brotherly friend. He`s terribly flawed and, even if I were to become the very Bride of Christ himself made manifest at the end of ages, he would still look at me funnny and then say thing funny and stupid, and more often than not, RIGHT ON TARGET - like tongiht for example, when he kept on repeating over and over and over again - it`s ALL available, I can have it all NOW, over and over again. Meanwhile it was the Christ in me which was permitting him, in his own feeble minded way - to take heaven by storm. I trued to say no, but his low for me allowed him continual access, so he could not stop with that, being the money grubber that he is.

I will never be able to completely alter my retarded friend`s satantically manipulated mind, for the rest of my life, but I`ll stick by him. In fact, tongiht I realized that I am his only, and best friend, and he most certainly does not take me serisouly, and, therefore, neither shoudl you, dear reader, especially yung, high school or college reader, àuse I`ve got a very simple and extraorxaniry message for you my friend, if not in this post, in another, or another.

The RECRUIT:

If YOU, are able bodied, and minded, even super smart, in one way or another, if you look relatively normal (not that anything less is important) and have an adept use of the english language, maybe are on track to becoming an accomplished debater or a lawyer, the product of one of any number of Jesuit trained Universities - I would like to STOP YOU' right here, he who can hear me best, who loves my posts, but who also recognizes my fatal flaw, but who doesn`t see it in himself, like I do with this certain character named Adi Da - I get him, but I recognize his error, and therefore take over where he left off, his argument, incomplete.

You`ve probably conclueded that I`m crazy or a little touched, or on pot or something, and you`d be right on the mark.

I am using my very generously gifgted mind, to make up for something, to compensate, to PROVE something, driven my the veyr worlst parts, of myself. There it is, but just WAIT, before judging me, okÉ

I put the same question to my mother, when she was dying, and she started out worse than me, worse than most, in many ways. She was, you could say, a rather sick puppy, due to some, incestual relationships encouraged in unspoken language, by my own grandmother (her mom) of all poeple, with her own brothers, of which there were three.

Don`t be so dismayed. Look back anywhere from one to three generations in your own family, and it will appear there also, believe it or not, and for those with as many as three `clean`` generations, why then you`d better be up to a very VERY Big Game, let me tell you, recognizing that he who has been humbled will be exalted and he who exalts himself (me), humbled before men.

Of course Im not winning points here with a lot of you, having the courage here to be real and spill the beans that desperately needing spilling and that only .I' of all people, could spill. I give you that, but don`t be quite so fast... on the cheshire smile, at my expense, being the self admitted loser than I am and have been and still can be, in spite of my apparent moments of light and illumination. For all we know, those are just projections from my own darkness, we cannot know, as I`m pretty sly, and bring very smart, had all my teachers fooled and did not need to try. The whole system is not set up for the gifted or genious child, not in the least, but it get`s worse.

You see, it is YOU who made me shrink away from my own light, my oiwn genius, and my own gift5s and talents. I got top marks without even trying and the Powell twins actaully STOLE Sherry Brown`s history exam for ME, *snip*.

I was an enknown avatar in potentia what you other narcissistic people out there like to call yourself, a `star child`


BOTH my parets got `the all`to become United Church Ministers, and let us not forget my two adopted half indian brothers, who were adopted from the far north of Ontario as a pair - were only supposed to come as one but my parents being the loving merciful adopting couple that they were, took both together. My mother, much later, after having completed her own couragious period of therapy and every hpiiy thing going then, ultimately went on to get her degree and ordination, to become one of the very FIRST women ministers of the United Church of Canada, she was a HERO, obvioiusly as a compensatory mechanism for the great trauma, and gilt, of her childhood, which, of course, wasn`t her fault, neigther was it my grandmother`s fault, but possibly some barbarian SOMEWHERE down the line who conked another on the head to steal his hot woman, who he`s seen very revealingly, down by the river earlier..

Anway, my mother, Kay, was the real deal, she was an òvercomer` who actually helped people, to overcome, and to transcend, to be freed, to grow, something rarely seen, any more, even if you were to seek out the best therapist around. Let me tell you, there were few with the amount of tricks of up her sleeve, as Kay Rice, who was also the master of passive agggressive, who un fact taught her beloved son, who she permitted to manipulate her, born of her supreme love for him, for me, for Bob (I used to be a BOB) the best ways, the best techniques.

Needless to say, such upbringing, and training, led me on a rebellious quest in search of the meaning of life, anywhere BUT there. What I didn`t realize at the time, was the old addage that `what you resist, persists``. I can see now, that I am SO sick, and so fundamentally flawed and subject to the karma of lust, selfishess, narcissus, and addicition, that God almighty, in his great love for me, placed me in the inescapable, irrevocable position, than between two crosses, my parents and their extreme suffering. If that weren`t enough, my Dad was a closet gay, but unable to express his needs except perhaps during the occasional trip to Toronto, or when hanging out with the ah, slightly less fortinate who frequent the coffee shops, where in the end instead of giving or getting blow jobs, my Dad shared with them authentic friendship and even ministry (talk about laying myself, my family heritage and my own faith open, but you`ll see in the end if you haven`t already, and I WILL show you, somehow, such that you`ll `grok`` the wisdom of the ages and become enolightened.

In truth, this thead represents a type of future note, sent not to me, but to you, that I, although at one level reside well beyond us all or `ahead by a centurty``, there is nevertheless something very intrinsic about my form of `prophecy`which is corrupted, even sinful, like a darkness against which light can shien, and I`m so desperate to be a `good guy`` (the good guy I probably already am at heart) that I know NO BOUNDS, in terms of the length, the breadth, the distance, that I will go, not just to give you the love you also crave and deserve, but to recieve it, from you.

Hoever, I am honest enough, not to become a thief like Adi Da, and try to get into teh center of your hear nor ask you to invite me or anything else or anyone else to enter or reside in that sacred space, which can esaily be drawn with two lines, the first dawn with fingertips through the head, from the ear temples, just front of, and slightly up from the ears.*snip*most litely at some point, no doubt when a hell`s angel or dealing with them at kingpin sttus). Gone to spit (of all thing, and here you were thinking I was the 2ns coming.. how sad for you, and how FUNNY!)

I`m not giong to stop with this thread or post btw, because I don`t care, I`m come to realize that YOU are ALL of YOU, seeminly infinintely more scares, than I an bring myself to be anymore.

For example, Mark`s my friend, and while I know or strongly suspect that never in this lifetime, or any other, would that charismatic devil bodyguard of a Magnum PI type character, hit me, if he did, I just MIGHT lose, although I`m a 216 pound hulking hockey player on Superfood Supersmoothies (with Ormus)

time for a laugh at my own absurdity here, which I`ve already forgotten.

So - my mother, was a Hero, and a Saint. She, not I was the authentic hero, which makes my own uique form of ah avatarishness learnning, even remotely possible. She did the Great Work, I am totally lazy, let us be clear. That does not mean however, that you can judge me here, nor hold it against me, since we are all of us a magnitcent ``work in process`` (caps and quotes have given out now in protest!) Who gives a rats a__, right.

So she overcame her dillemma, which for her was being somehow ruined, or shamed, or much wrose (since the biggest, number one problem with these seux abuse or incest issues, she once had the simple COURAGE to shae with me, if the guilt, not the guilt for not having been innocant, or resonsiblle for it, at some level, but the endless guilt, for having been intrigued, for having enjuyed it, the unforgivable, the taboo.

So while she died the work, of a lifetime of therapy, her brothers got off, in effect, scott frree, and I will tell you what I am ok with that now - because it was SHE and SHE alone who forgave it. How on earth did swhe do thatÉ She came to realize that they were all already set up, from a generation prior! Isn`t that nuts! Hippy therapy at it`s very FINEST and Cark Jung would agree.

Kay Rice was born to have that experiecne, and overcome it.

So then, afyer marrying my dad, then a dashing, super good looking accomplished actor and active school hunk, becomes here point of focus, and you know why don`t knpw, well if I didn`t already tell you, my dad was also GAY (I discovered this as a teen, as a drunk teen, rummaging through my Dad`s room, for more booze, or even tea leaves!, in the form of playGIRL magazines, oh I was so embarassed), and so from then on, when I was around the then popular `Powell Twins`` I was inclined to mimick my dad`s slightly whiney voice, always concerned about trivial BS, lazy, gluttonous stuff, orders, demands, like `- give me a glass of ice water - he`d say, almost unwittinfly, to waitresses. Because of this, and other, lurking problems this problem generated in their marriage, my mom finally MOVED to Toronto, when I was 13 years old, begging me to go with HER, who I lovsd. BUT, unable or unwilling to leave my freidns and familiarity of the smalltown and smalltown highschool - party part, in neverending search of authentic love... I elected to stay behind, with my Dad, who alhtough I loved him, was point of shame for me, and disdain. The very best I could muster, once I`d climed the church steeple and thrown rocks at cars and people (not to hit them, just to freak them out, like rocks from heaven), was to put on my Black Sabbath Tea-Shirt (an authentic one, of which I had two, including the Ronny James Dio authentic T I got that time we went to the concert from my mom`s place in Toronto) - was lame, but VERY effective teasing immitations of my gay Dad, behind his back, to my closest friends. Forgive me Dad for this you know I know you very very much, and knowing where you are wating bravely for me, while cheering me on, saying GO BOB, GO! I AM SO VERY PROUD OF YOU.

So meanwhile, having aknowledgesd the difficulty of my love.hate relationship with my Dad (crying now, because was tried he just couldn`t DEAL with his*snip*, and I do still love him very much and me, given the explosive nature of my tears right now sharing with you, him also loving ME very much (oh God this is so so hard..) I nweded this though, this sharing, getting out, this sympathetic harmonious connection with you, you invisiblle highsool rebel brat who I love, or whoever you are, and kid, you may not know it yet, but some day you`ll kick ASSESss as the President of the United Staes (I`ve now HAD that prophecy already, having given that up entirely as a future consideration now, wanting only to understand, in fullness, in my next life, music, physics, psycholgy, law, politics, history and philosophy (yes, in my next next I am asking for asbolute child geniuus, sheltered even in wealth, from the womb of my last mother reborn, in whch case she`s already back with us, Saint Kay, AND forever, in the mind and memory of God, who remembers us all, and every bit, relative to ,ove, no matter how good or bad, in NON-judgement, whether atheist, or super smart super `hero`gnosis believer like me, who may even be full of # on a few things anyway, how could I NOT be, not yet anyway.

But i will say, dear reader, whoever you ARE, that POTUS (including the veyr nature and rpemise of ``self``) is up for graps, it`s freely available now, and I helped liberate it, here at ATS, as have a FEW others, even of late, including people from the east and who moved to the west, even one authentic Avatar fborn and dred in New York City who made a tiny but terrible error by dint of simple and STUPID pride.

So even the very most ènlighteneded`and smartest peope in the whole world, make the same small mistakes, which have majhor ramifications, like in the Beatles and the 60`s movement )depositting all that culture there, never forgotten), have ERRORS, myself included, and although this might sound arrogent or presumptuous, I just have to include myself among them, only for being STUPID-eth, enough, to begin with, arrogant enough, to think my pursuit or my calling, `special in some way`what with my mothers struggle and overcoming, my dad`s failure, nd success (I havent even told you HALF of his mistake, which involved yes diddling my older adopted brothers, but never me, because I was, as he later told me mother `his own blood`). My father, had a type of man-boy love relationship with my brother Brian, while leaving David largely alone, but before you step in and condemn, as the hater or the smirking atheist you are (at this confession), you need to understand something about what it would have been growing up gay, back then. My father was made gay btw (and please don`t reply to this one part if you are gay and reading this) in one way - and this will appear as a `new theory`btw, to many, a `lie`` if you are gay - through neglect as an infant. He was first left in the hospital, for some time, and then raise by maids. His dad btw, was an amputee, a very angry one, from the first world war. So you`ve got the stump stumping around angrily, while mom forsakes the nurturing of her own child to mere maids or servants.

``Robert Donald Rice, O K Sure. Robert Donald Rice, O K Sure.`he would appparently repeat to his own self, the poor deer, as a youngster and perhaps even as a young man.

I could go on to tell you how my beloved God parents of suffering and sorrow died back in 1998 and 1999, at the age of about 63, after while I besically in a nutshell blew the entire inheritance, which was left solely and exclusively to me and my discretion, to leave out my one bro, who`s wife my mother of all people tbhought was èvil`nad to be `my brothers keeper`` in regards to Brian, who, btw, I went out of my way for, to see some justice over this thing, forcing my Dad to come down to Toronto, a 2=3 hour drive once, to say he was sorry, with me as the witness, and another as I kept on turning around and driving back and back again to Colingwood, where he wanted to remain, just to make sure how much he knew he was loved, and, horribly, just how much was continuing to play the victim in life, reaching the point of loving opportunity and loving embrace and then, het this, choosing BOTH paths, to that he could basically get it from behind as he leaned over the chasm. Yes, very sad, and very couragious of me to try to bring it to his attention, while helping him out from my own preferred, inherited son, as if I, not he would be better trust with something approaching half a million dollars.

So my brothers, long since estranged from the family, with a brief reprieve from Brian and his GF Sherry, a thin, skelketal rake of an alchoholic, for whom Brian was her `savior` (and indeed, he WAS), hanging around for ahilw towards the end, helping, but also hoping for some inheritance, which I did not piece off, investing it instead in my budding Headhunting or Executive Seach business

STOPS for a moment to payse and ask myself - what the hell am I DOING, I`ve built up this nice reputation as an older wiser, even as an enlgttened New Age Man, and here I go spilling all the beans, letting you in on the depth of familiar pain I had to go through, and seemingly am still to this xay, to a degree.

But even Jesus has a controversial family lineage, and very possibly, a controversal BIRTH, being rejected by all the Inns for some reason (I believe that part of the story, although I donèt think it was in Bethlehem, the House of Bread, which represents just the mytholoigical frame of reference, nothing more. So of course you can see, and recognize, perhaps, even within your own family tree Ièm sure (although I will not sadistically force you to confess it, like I am here, donèt worry), some sexual controversy of some kind, or something wrong, like murder.

In Jesusè case, it is all there, from murder, to sexual exploitation, manipulation, maybe even RAPE of all things, or a rape CHILD (oh what blasphemy say my fellow Christians), but how else would a Jewish Mystic remain PERFECT and PURE, if he was not of the Essenian sect, for starters, and two, someone who, by the nature of his own origins, HAD to be perfect, to fogure out what that would look like, and then somehow have the willpower, and the willingness, to carry through with it (poor Jesus, no wonder you were gifted with the annointing of the Christ mind, the God person, as a loving reward, in accordance with your Jewish Tradition).

No Ièm not saying that I am Jesus, although my own brother might be, and I once pointed it out to him, the degree to which his life has followed the myth all the way down the line, and I told him about the spirit, how it can see ITSELF in Èthe signsÈ even those contained in the English Language (that was where I was at back than, seeking signs, to affirm the love of God, for me, in a highly passive aggressive manner), and so it was funny when Brian looked again at the Headlines in the Newspaper, and then looked back at me with

You think life is all ladi da, unthen (is that a wordÉ) before you know it, youère over 40 and wondering just how your still ALIVE, after it all, the whole damn mess, but oh the learning, learning learning learning. I was just SO good in school I want you to know, without trying.

Long story short - getting to the GIST of it, is this.

So when my mom was dying of breast cancer, which has returned on her shoulder (it had been claered afeter her traumatic mastectomy for a number of years before returning to exact itès price that it was collecting on her work) - she said it was probably due to all her work running around trying to heal all the evil in these churches, where Ordained Ministeres, Reverends, in SOME cases, were having sex with their own perishoners, or perishoners daughters even (the ultimate temptation of the devil, that attraction to the young and innocent and inexperienced), from all her work, which would often involve, as the ÈPeronnel OfficerÈ for a large ÈConferenceÈ of the United Church of Canada, literally chasing silly ÈdemonsÈ through the various sytems of sick people who are attracted to Chuch and Church power and politics.

i asked her, as we journeyed to the gate and to her final transition, together, a beloved, but very flawed son, and his beloved, and now saintly mother, I asked her first - what is your special secret mom. How do you possibly DO what you do so effectively, helping poeple in this way (it was a mystery to me, and I being the egomanianc that i was was NOT about to be outdone in the fullness of time and history, by my own MOTHER, who alone, I respected (my Dad was a slobbish fat, homosexual, child molesting write off or embarassment to a large degree, to poor sap, and did HE EVER SUFFER for it, by not being willing to bring it all the way out and into the other in therapy, and admit to it fully and completely, including the exploration of the demonic sexual spirit within him, which drove the acts, and the ultimate violation of truth, caring as he was for these two lost boys, whoès OWN parents, treated them literally, like garbage, whereby they would be beaten, lock in cupboards, or shut outside in the winter for days at a time, to sleep in an abandoned old car, or get some charity from the cook at the local dine. I think their natural mother was the indian (Cree) and the father, white. They were both severe alchoholics, not to say that Brian got better treatment by my father, in secret (and I swear to God I never KNEW, not at all, only that I felt VERY uncomfortable hugging my father or kissing him (he wanted to stick tongues together once which totally grossed me out, because I did it), but that was all playful, with me, but not with Brian, David, or in at ,least one case, their young friend they'd invited for a sleepover one night, only to awaken to see my Dad performing fellatio, upon their own friend! Can you IMAGINE!

NOW, before you go condemning my father, you MUST know about his sufferings. Indeed there has to be karma, because this poor lad had a very difficult, and challenging life, starting with undiagnosed sleep apnea (which I have although I'm not the least but fat any more, but the structure of my wide throut won't allow me to go off my nighttime breathing machine, which I should be on NOW, getting rest for work tomorrow, at a job I am now barely clinging on to, and dislike now (so secretly I'm wanting to lose my job, by afraid of the consiequences, what do you know, the Great Big and MIGHTY NEW AGE MAN, a lazy, cigarette addicted, pot smoking, irresponsible, obsessive compulsive. - Well, if the truth be known, you know this anyway from reading me, you just had to KNOW that I'm a little touched in some way, that there's soimething not QUITE right there, something hidden, secrety, secret horror of SOME kind, and you did this, you assumed this correctly, vy the blatant display of my own self expression, and the sig line by Wilde, about sinners and saints is a dead giveaway. Sadly, I've been covertly and secretly moked for that here at ATS, you know those side arrows that cannot be ANYthing other than a snide remark at you, perhaps even made to another poster, after you post, that kind of thing, and you can tell that people, that "normal" people, are thinking to themselves and who can't wait to tell others (hey my " is working again what do you know must have passed a certain threshold of honesty or something and the tech God's felt that I was oweed a slight assist in continuing with this CRAZY, whacky, OCD, run on thread about my life and it's depth of pain and sorrow, which makes me me, ulimately, and which ougt to lift your spirits somewhat, suffering reader who THOUGHT that they knew me and that was was some sort of all together enligthened avataric individual.

But you see, that's also part of me, where the more that suffering, carves into our being, the more JOY we can contain!

I was BUILT for my own calling, whatever it may be, and so was Jesus too, not that I'm trying to compare mysqelf, and there iz no compare and no student who can be as great as his master, but, as you'll start to see, in the underlying pattern of this God family of sorrows, the Rice family (and I realize and understand that I'm not the only one to have some sort of whacky or disfunctional family, and to you who are going WOW, this guy's got some balls and I can totally relate to the concept of unending family suffering, in whatever form, whether by sexual or some other deeply hurtful or even EVIL form of ABUSE.

In my case, here's my dillmma in a nutshell, the two arrows of fate, which drove me straight into it, straight into a type (of some sort) of fated God-related, in some way (and for those who know me, you know when I use the word "God" that I am NOT using it in the traditional sense of the world by any means, but more as an author of love, and well, I have to admit it, as a loving parent.

Getting back to Mom, and to the true nature of moms in generaal.... of course everyone's mom, is the "best" mom a persona could have. Totally understanding, and therefore knowing full well your every flaw and foible, mothers, not wives, accept you, the whole you and nothing BUT you, unconditionally. If this wasn't the case with you, my condsolences for having a disfunctional mother, a very hard thing to deal with and get over, but my MOM, in spite of her prior "sickness" and lingering SYMPTOMS from time to time, during which she would just take right OVER from my Dad, who would wimp out, and would shrink down in size, if he wasn't so obese from eating sandwiches every nght during his awakenings, often from the flat floor in the basement (more confortable for the mass of his body, to lay on the floor than a bed, he was about 350 I guess, about 5'8``), and FREAK RIIGHT OUT, and lliterally go into a screaming FIT of despair, and what was worse is that after aquainting herself with the forms and frames of therapy, she would do in a way and a manner which was entirely !00% justified, and her favorite passive aggressive maneuver, and THE most effective, since she alone was capable of loving, and who along even KNEW what love was, and in her case, it was her VERY JOB, as a compulsive hero (wait until you hear this..) - she, like no other mother on the face of the earth, could effectiely employ love itself as a weapon of utter HORROR and DEEP, DEEP' sorrow, suffering, and despair (enough at least to match her own). But like I said, she kept at it, and neve stopped, never STOPPED working on herself, for the sake of herself, her family and the larger world she was emersed and PRESSED INTO serving, not just helping out, but SERVING with her entire being. In fact, once time my good or best friend from the past, Chris, was breaking up with his wife and had met what he thought was his more authentic soul mate, over the internet, down in Florida, in a chat room called The Hottub! (eyeroll), but don`t assume, he was correct, both in being called OUT of his marraige AND that he has indeed found a soul mate, who he`s still with, after a number of years, with her moving up from Canada (although, and here we go yet AGAIN - I have intuitive knowledge, and truth based awareness, about something involving my friend Chris`s past, and his own absolute sex addiction, and to what (buds know what their friends truly crave), that he`s fìng her daighter, with her awareness, and blessing - but they bought the daighter, a budding young 15, 16 year old, get this, a pure, friendly, nice, caged, bunny rabbit, which they semed to be making a big and somewhat guilt ridden deal over, last time I flew there to visit old friends (after I employed the movie The Secret along with my faith and blessed ah..what`s the word, providence, yes, to somehow get out to Vancouver Canada, where the ocean meets the moutains (thought it would be nice, environmental and spirtitual, but it turns out to be both the nicest and THE most socially SHALLOW places on the face of the Earth, next maybe only to downtown Detriot.

What the HELL am I doing here, starting to come down, sober up a bit, and here I am typing Mr. Hollands Opus in a note or a key few have ever heard before.

----but I want to to KNOW me, isn`t that just ABSURD, how LONELY and NEEDY I still am.. ! It would make me cry right now, if I hadn`t recently starting getting to a whole new place, in part, what I was `celebrating`this evening, with my screwed up friends, and that`s like me, to enjoy a little hard death and destruction to Celelbrate new life.

My mother liked to say to me, get this - Bob, you have an addiction, to laziness. You have all the hallmarks (said in soft and eternally loving unconditional Kay-like voice), or

You know something, about these struggles that I see you struggling with (she was cute bte, loved stuffed animals and bears and would employ toiy therapy with her paitients)

---so tied, I just heard a future reader ask - how OLD are you or is this guy!

I`m 43, not turning the double whole numner (yes I still play with signs, but not as seriously as I ONCE DID, now THERE is another story and one I will share, whether you all reject me and hate me or love me or not - I just know there is SOMEONE and probably more than a single one, who benefits from the sudden, inexplicable, and apparenrly unending rantings and verbal self congratulatory diatribes made here at ATS by a strange so-called Christian or New Age Christian (what`s THAT), who is called `New Age Man`` because he cannot think of anything more appropriate, no longer even sure, or particularly concerned about, who he even IS to begin with, insisting instead, to make himself feel better about his own unresolvable paradox of self reflection, that he just doesn`t really know who and what he is, or may be becoming, other than whatever it is, I really am, and have been all along.

So this is what I`d like to bring forth for you, with this crazy intro, the most guts and horror, informal, laundry airing, and daring intro ever. You see, part of my own drama, if you will, is the unending desire to be `special`` AND to be RECOGNIZED.

My LACK of love, in this world, now that my mom and dad are gone, and no longer even connected with my brothers, who I loved and who who really loved me, and my parents, both of them. I once tearfully asked Brian directly, just how, on earth, in anywhere, or at ANY time, he could forgive my Dad for what he did, which messed Brian up, not about his sexuality, but about his worthiness, his manliness, and his ability to move around in the world supported by a loving God. For Brian, God thereafter, has always been an absuser at some level, I was not able to bring this to his attention, to his awareness. He is always losing everythign and everyone and every THING, including the very universe itself, is out to get him, to bring him close to having somethign joyful, then then he chooses two paths, reality devides, and then he get`s split in two and falls into the ditch he just created before HIMSELF. I tried to teach him how to successful `walk`` again, but I don`t think he wanted that, he wanted to play victim, for this round, and probably many more (if only my Dad understood what he might have unleashed there in that life, and psyche and soul).

Once time, when Brian and Sherry were around (waiting for Mom to die I guess to collect `theirs`` which they never did get, now I`m sure forever blaming me, the special one), Brian comes down the stairs after spending some time with my mother and I looked up and it was like

BEHOLD THE MAN!

I didn`t even recognize him, for a moment, his STATURE was just so GREAT, so MANLY. She DID IT, I thought to myself, you magnical mystery saint of a mother, your miracles never cease, but it wasn`t strong enough, or last long enough, and so Brian eventually went back to his old continual victimization drama.

Gee, this is becoming a psych=majors study and thesis, ehÉ! (thingy not working again, darn)

Anway, so one time, when I`m sitting with my mom, as she was you know, dying but still entirely in the land of the living, looking forward to her death, her with serenity, me with a totally repressed FEAR AND HORROR (I used to have these nagative fantasies when I was a kid about her getting killed in a car accident on her way home from Toronto, after 10 days, working the night shift, as head of nursing at the Clark Institute of Psychiatry in Toronto, she said that it really WAS busier after a full moon, believe it or not)

- I have the gaul to say and then ask her this: I said Mom, you obviously had a terrible upbringing, and suffered horrifble, horrible things, unspeakable things, and while we know you`ve already done that work, as well as the work of forgiveness, of all involved

...have you ever considered, that your unquestionably herioc efforts to HELP PEOPLE, HELP PEOPLE, endlessly and compulsively, almost, all your life, with all your energy, have you ever thought (i may sounds like some of those cold heartless ATS`rs here) that maybe, the whole thing was simply a COMPENSATORY reaction, to the suffering, and so, to make yourself FEEL normal, or good about YOU, you do this endless helping thing. Maybe it`s just a big hero badge to make up for the indignity of your lost childhood or youth..

(what a thing to SAY to such a mom as this, eh)

so she just casually pauses for a moment (like I said, she became rather saintly towards the end, like having my own personal Sadhu Holy Woman of God available 24-7, and she said to me, with a friendly, loving look

Why, of course that`s what got me into the helping profession, many people in the health care business or the mental health business in particular, are motivated for that very reason, whereby intially, that is exactly what it is, you`r right. BUT, at the same time, while that`s what got me going, and so maybe intiially I was motivated for all the wrong reasons, it became a willing conscious service, I`m not sure when that actually was, but at some point, I started diong God`s will, and in the end, I have no regrets of any kind. God works in very mysterious ways sometimes I guess..

Thanks for listening, this was just crazy, sorry for going on so long and thank you for reading, and gee wiz I sure hope you don`t change your viewpoint of me in a bad way at all.

I am not unlike my mother I guess you could say. And where Jesus willingly took the hit, sandwitched between two cross, or so the story goes - me, I was `passed over`` in the middle, between the two, then left the entire inheritance, of which they got nothing.

The injustice of this I`m sure continues from my brothers`end and I don`t blame them, being those who were adopted, who suffered, but were not compensated.

So mine is a survivors guilt, and that`s what drives me, and why I do what I do here, thinking that maybe, in this palace of words, someone, at some point, might get something out of it, and well I`ve already gotten so much from so many others, as well as from having such a channel of communication.

I may come back and make a few more normal posts later to this very strange into

Thanks for reading and letting me vent. Perhaps now you might better understand when I say things like I came out of the dark night of the soul unscathed with my sanity still intact, etc.

Survivors guilt, in many ways that`s worse than the guilt and everything that comes with actual victimization.

And although my own two brothers, both adopted when they were five and six, my parents thinking that they were not able to have children (perhaps my dad had a hard time, you know..), although THEY think I`m just the spoiled brat fo the family, who, even at their time of the death of my mother, was still the `chosen one``, who then ran off and robbed them of their rightful inheritance as adopted children (this has a LOT of meaning and significance for me as a Christian btw), and took off,, never to be seen again - if they had even the SLIGHTEST clue, how much I have suffered by proxy to work to somehow make thnigs right or better, even if only relative to all my broithers and sisters, wherever they may be found - I think they would forgive me, and let me off the hook, adn they would do it in a heartbeat.

Family origins - it`s where it all starts and ends.

And yes, I will try to reach them by phone at Christmas, the little brother, the passover who took nothing, in between the twin pillars of the Church (both parents as ministers).

It`s absurd.

Why I even typed this insane mess into here, but something tells me that you people can be trusted, and that like me you only wantt the best, and have grown tired with all the nonsense that goes on. A seeker of the REAL God, of the real Dad, and there I must say, that there is peace now, both for him and for me, but my laziness, that`s just me still trying to torture him somehow by some sort of unconsiously motivated karmic proxy, so I`m still crazy, still healing from the whole mess that was the Rice family.

Heck, I`m too scared to even find a good mate and craete a family of my own, lonely, but with a heart of gold that must I have learned, how truly wonderful and caring and loving of a person I really am, and that`s somethign, if nothing else.

Later (about to press post with sever trepidation)

Rob

aka NAM




Mod Note: Profanity/Circumvention Of Censors – Please Review This Link.

I'm not gonna lie, I didn't read all that! Just wanted to say hi, or "high" as it were. I like your posts. Never too late for an intro right? Let's see how long this thread stays with the admissions above. Haha. Take care NAM, see ya around.

Ok I read it! Or most of it anyway. I really admire your honesty and bravery. It's nice to feel some small connection over the internet, where people can be so defensive and untrue to themselves.

I wonder if the "tipping point" has something to do with many of us being inspired to release these energies and emotions from the past through sharing or other means.

This was much more interesting to read than all the gloom-and-doom threads out there...

Yes, Robert, that was both hella-brave and hella-crazy at the same time. Ah, the dichotomies of life as it were. God bless your mom, it's apparent she had much to offer. I'm sure your honesty--even if somewhat liquid bravery--will be helpful to some here who have suffered horrible family secrets.

Seeing as how you have some desire to be fired; I guess you can leave this up safely. However, common sense might suggest a redaction in a day or two after most here have read it. I would hate for it to be used against you in someway by someone outside of this community that might google you in the future. Just my own caring opinion on that.

I must say that I think your mom had a better grip on spirituality than yourself as evidenced by her growth, so maybe--considering the fact that there are a lot of young folk on here--you might be a little more careful and refrain from presupposing yourself as a 'holder' of spiritual truth that you feel most haven't acquired yet. Again, my opinion but lovingly proffered.

You have gained my empathy with this and I did read it all--and that says something 'cause that was one loooooong post

Peace brother, and I'm going to say a little prayer for you and your brothers right now. Although I don't know how effective it will be because the bible says the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective, and I'm certainly far from righteous and do battle with my own addictions and selfishness too.

Um, I think it might have provided just a tad too much info..?

perhaps a mod could help me edit out the names which could crop up on a google search, although I realize that's not their job.

I'm not quite as bad as I indicated there, and I really am going to try to quit smoking, and have aquired the book "The Easy Way To Quit Smoking" by Alan Carr, which apparently works for everyone who reads it, so for the time being, I've set it aside (waiting for the upcoming holidays), and that will include all smoking. Drinking was never a problem for me, until last night!

Regardless of what happens, even if someone found this googling me or something, so be it.

We've all got to start laying these things down in one way or another. You just might not pick such a public forum as I did, to do so..

And yes, while I stand by all the things I post, and have offered some tremendous insights here and there, I guess I did go over the top to a degree, pretending to be all that, but that is where I am headed and such things need to be at least thought of and shared, before "Journeyed", and so much of my recent progress has come as a result of all the information and sharing going on here at ATS.

In a way it makes me very sad that I shared so much, and was really hard on my Dad who was just really sick, and a hurting unit, but everyone who knew him thought he was great and so do I.

Once, when I was having a bit of a spiritual crack up back in 1996, due in no small part to some of the content of suffering I've shared with you here, and while I wanted to talk to my mother when I called home from Toronto, he was there on the phone being so caring and so kind (tears now...). I was saying all kinds of crazy and wierd things on the phone, and he said - don't worry, Daddy's here. On another occasion, he came to me and said, "just a tiny seed" of faith, very very "tiny" and he was so cute about it, and he was so very smart too.

I love you Dad, and I forgive you for violating the sacred trust with my brothers, Brain in particular. Please forgive me, for trying to get even by kind of ruining my life in a number of areas.

And yes, to leave this stuff behind and chart a new course, sometimes we need to dump it, so thank you for reading and for those non judgemental comments.

Love,

NAM

Yeah, I didn't reference it, but your pop's pain was on my heart, too. We are all a mixed bag that's for sure. I have shared my deepest-darkest more than once, but never so publicly and I must say you got big brass ones!!

I need a copy of that quit smoking book if it's that good--lemme know. Look forward to seeing you around. Peace.

reply to post by NewAgeMan


Welcome to the forum Brother. We all have baggage of one sort or another. Some would say this baggage is what makes us imperfect and in need of redemption. I say it is this baggage which shows us just how perfect we are. It highlights our individuality and demonstrates God's love for variety.

Thanks for joining us here and helping to demonstrate the miracles of living.

With Love,

Your Brother

Welcome - I appreciate your honest baring of your soul. And your admissions of weakness, it takes some balls.

Hope you enjoy ATS and I hope we all learn something about honesty

Peace

A very open and thorough introduction NAM, your honesty will go a long way im sure. Keep your chin up and good luck to you.

reply to post by Catch_a_Fire

Very drunken, terrible piece of writing, but what the heck who cares.

Thanks, you guys, very supportive, loving. You'd better cut it out or I'll start bawling again!

Anecdote

Thought I ought to add this, since I'm into "high performance" relative to this strange conunderim or psychic-spiritual wedge I've been driven into, and I think at some level, it happens for us all at some point down the line, can't not in the end as far as I can tell.

My Mother Kay

So when she was dying of the cancer returned, and I was at her feet, so to speak, walking with her and journeying with her to the "gate", this is not based merely on "belief" but what was actually happening, what she at one point referred to as "grace upon grace". We KNEW there was God, it was self evident. God was what was happening!

Anyway, so at one point in our sharing together, as she fed me her secrets of what I would like to hereby call "Kay's Godlove therapy", and maybe I ought to add more in that regard, to give this story the ending it deserves

I summoned up my courage and came out with it - what I felt my calling was.

I said to her, Mom, I think I'm being called to process all evil (although I may have even said Satan), and speak for Jesus (at the time, I didn't understand the psychological underpinnings as they are now understood), so she says to me, calmly, rationally, after a very very long pause.

"Sounds dangerous! I think you have a lot of work ahead of you, because as you sit here, you are no where near that point, Bob, yet, not that it's not available to you as a possibility."

And on another occasion, she said that my "spiritual crackup" which brought me back home, wasn't in her best opinion and evaluation, a mental illness, but, an authentic spiritual experience, however psychotic it may have appeared for a very short time, and she said that in a MAJOR way, it (my insanity, or my dark night of the soul) had significantly increased her faith, and then she also said (and don't get carried away here with assumptions or intended meaning) that she had the same feeling in her heart, that Mary must have had for Jesus, and she told me that she was VERY proud of me, and I tell you, if she was here now, which she is in a way, she would give me one of those warm and unconditionally loving Kay-hugs, one of which once cured a man of alchoholism (although she never knew it then and I only found out later, from a guy who went to that man's 20th "birthday" of sobriety where she was his ending and new beginning)

God how I loved my mother, and her great courage, all the way up to her exit from this mortal plane.

I have already asked God very directly, and here state it again with you as my witnesses - that if there IS such a thing as reincarnation, then I would very much, please and thank you God to no end, like to be born yet again to this woman, this HERO of motherly love, not just for me, but for everyone, or most everyone - some people, very rarely, gave her the heebie jeebies, but i suspect that was just a limitation at some level on her part, because in the end God's policy is, if at all possible, and for God, all things are possible - to leave no child left behind (that's for you George Jr. in case you ever read ATS in your spare time down at the ranch, you and Dick Cheney both, because you are among the worst abusers, this century).

So just to be clear, no I don't think I'm Jesus, obviously, I am not. However, I do see the Jesus principal rather clearly, and can easily surmise and sympathize, with how someone could be driven by a historical wedge in one and only one possible direction, or logical conclusion.

Love,

NAM

And if there is such a thing as reincarnation, and if love is at cause in the universe, which it is.

- there are only two possibilities - one, I do the work, and meet her in eternity, where she surely resides, and I can feel this strongly, that she's ah qualified, so to speak, to be there (where I am not yet), or

- two, if God in his infinite wisdom knows already that I either will not or for some STUPID reason, cannot, out of a lame fear on my part, the fear to dare to be transformed by the love of God, and thus become 100% trustworthy, as she is, if I am THAT pathetic, then

she is already preparing to reincarnate, or will do so at the perfect moment, so as to give birth to me again.

Either way, I will see her again, this I know, and suspect makes perfect rational sense, at some level.

BUT - I of course also have to always and continually do this work of forgiveness in relation to my father, so that I can say, without hesitancy, "and you too Dad" (because his love is also there, in the same place!), whereby that love returned is equally as strong, and getting stronger now, thanks to this thread of all things.

for a time, I'd almost deluded myself into thinking, out of judgement, that the true nature of my predicament was that I had a mother in heaven, and a father in hell, but that's just not congruent with what I now know to be true.

So now, the only people I REALLY need to worry about, are my two brothers, and how I completely reconcile with them, while still on the way, so to speak, because they blame ME, for being the chosen one, and the spoiled brat who in their mind, robbed them of their rightful inheritance, for which an eternal kingdom may not be sufficient in their eyes..

So, no, I'm not crazy, I just have worked something out, something fearfully terrifyingly sad, and potentially joyful and loving.

What a thing!

I could NOT have done it without the greatest therapist the world has ever known, and so, it is to Him that I must make my final appeal, and learn how to trust still MORE and have still MORE faith, that it's NOT all on me, or all up to me (more egoism), but that instead, God is capable of helping me, to do for me what I am simply unable, and unqualified, to do for myself.

Final thought.

Ordinarily, this throwing out of one's pearls, is exceedingly risky, so I also have to have enough faith, enough love, to recoginze, that this particular pearl cannot be trampled under foot by men or angels.

So it's out, thank you for allowing me to get this out, as you can tell, it's been driving me crazy (well good crazy in the end) for years!

And so in the interim, I will CALL MY BROTHERS this Christmas, somehow reach them if I can, just to see if they're still alive and to let them know that I am still alive, even if a pariah in their eyes still (i understand I'm taking on more than belongs to me, but there's no other choice)

while getting back to that conversation with Kay, about the continuing work I need to do, to right myself, and if possible, throw everything else away but the love of God, seemingly a simple thing, but one which few human beings are able to realize in potentially many lifetimes.

So I have come to believe, that there's a type of conspiracy, which continually ripples through humanity, in one form or another, until it reaches a resolution, which it can't not do, and this, not anything else, is the purpose of life.

Sounding like my old self again, eh?

No really, I'm going to start seeking much more balance and integrity in my life, it's time, and there's nothing else worth doing anyway.

Thanks again, for the loving and compassionate support, you have no idea what that meant to me.

God Bless,

Rob

Kay's (playful) Anthropomorphic Theory, of Teddy Bears.

distilling it down to its essence.. she never has any sort of written "formula" or anything like that!

(It is very revealing, in so far as it shows that she never lost her "little girl")

1) Not all Teddy Bears are merely inanimate objects. Some are, some are not.

2) Certain Teddy Bears, throgh a mysterious process no one can fathom, take on a life of their own, once they are both chosen and selected, or set apart from the non-alive stuffed animals (who remain on the shelf), and then once they are loved by said Teddy Bear owner. They could be said then to be a loved "selectee"..

3) Alive Bears, are then capable of loving their human owner in direct proportion to, and reciprocity for, the love invested in them by their owner.

4) Therefore, the Teddy Bear may be said to be functional, relative to the human being, as an extension of that person's inner child, now given permission to express itself, through the proud ownership of their selectee.. "who" is not like the non-alive bears who merely sit on the shelf.

5) Loved Teddy Bears are therefore powerful and phenomenal aids (servants..?) in a Person-Bear Therapeutic Relationship, and are therefore, excellent therapists (therapeutic aid - hey let's not BELITTLE them for no reason!)

And she loved the sotry of the "Velveteen Rabit", which whenever she mentioned it - I always thought WTF is a "Velveteen Rabit"? VELVETEEN?!! My God she must be talking nonsense again, i'd thnk to myself, running along on my way, maybe even to get away from her, this crazy women, talking of living Teddy Bears and Velveteen Rabbits!

I still love my mother, thank you, for letting me share her love with you.

In fact, she is in part the best part of who I am or am becoming.

Thank you Kay!

Never a better mother a boy and a future man, could have, ever (in eternity).

I love you.

More story...you been drinking again, Robert? Jus' joking. I'm just stopping by to check on you and it seems you're doing well. And now that I'm here and have read your new stuff:

1,) Heck yeah call your brothers at Christmas, but don't get depressed if'n it doesn't go well.

2,) Velveteen Rabbits? I LOVE velveteen & macaroni...or wait a minute that's velveta I'm thinking 'bout.

Peaceness.

Um, could a Mod out there please delete this thread. Thanks.

The courageous, but ill concieved OP, still provides names, which get cached in Google with a link to this thread, and, well, I've noticed that some people seem to have gotten the wrong idea in their heads, attempting to read between the lines of the OP, and that's just ridiculous, and very hurful to me. I have a heart of gold, and I've never hurt anyone in my life, ever. People just aren't ready for the kind of sharing I made available, and at times I've even seen it being used against me, and that's just not fair, not in the least.

So if there's a compassionate Mod out there, please just delete the whole thread, sorry for the inconvenience, thank you.

reply to post by NewAgeMan


your ok by me NuAge...

I may have offended you earlier on but I was in a sort of brawl if you know what I mean ?

I enjoy reading your posts and I agree with alot of them, some points vary from my personal opinion but that is irrelevant as I certainly am no dictator.

I added you to my friends list indeed, open-mindedness goes a long way.