Frist of all, I can barely see and type, I'm half in the bag here, having just celebrated with some friends, my learning disabled neighbor, and my ex
con friend Mark, who thinks he can kill a man with a mere look, but who, like the rest of us, just wants to be loved! Needdless to say I really caught
him off guard tonight in a rather unfortinate way as a reshult of my "learmings at ATS." when I pointed out to him something I'd learned from another
poster here, with some difficulty and rebellion, relative to what can only be called the sexual conspiracy of all ages, but we'll set THAT aside for
the time being. In a nutshell, what it amounts to is, I've recently be shown something that I am only just beginning ti investigate, and I thought I
KNEW IT ALL, which has served me as the final "peace of the puzzle" in the destiny of my life, that I was being, an asshole. A brown noser, a kmow it
So first off - if you've read me here, forgive me for that, and for anyone who might for whatever reason thoroughly enjoy my contributions, and even
respect me perhaps a great deal for my courage, now you know that I am flawed just like you, but I will make no excuses, none.
I've also been an a-hole at ATS, to a degree.
So I figured I'd just make my formal, incoherent, rambling introduction here, sloppily, to allow you the please of being in good company and neither
having anything to prove, or be right about at all cost.
NAM is a hypocrite, a cigarette smoking, alchoholic drinking (periodically,*snip*, undisciplined, lonely, sexually frusytrated and right now,
Pretty sad, and probably NOT a good time to be making an intro at ATS, but i can't sleep, 'm on cloud nine, and I thought, what the hell, get in there
and let them know you, as you are, not as the enlightened persona you present to the readers and the users at ATS.
So I'm a human being and a loser just like most, even a bit of an asshole at times, and perhaps - the most infantile, narcissistic, megalomaniacal
poster, on ATS. Someone had to say, so there. It's me. I am that. I get OFF on posting to ATS, I'm so needy for acceptance and acknoeldgement, after
posting I'll check back, even skimming hole threads, and all YOUR good content, only for my own "brilliant" post and what effect that may have had on
So, I owe everyone here a most drunken and sincere apology,. right off the bat.
I am a loser, a hypocrite, I am an addict, big time, who channels his energies here by channeling an authentic part of me as "the logos", that's no
less real, but it SCARES me, to be honest. Just who adn what do I THINK I am anyway, that's absurd, and ridiculous, and yet, I just know that I'm not
crazy. good crazy you could say.
About me, corporeally. I was born in a tiny village nothwest of Toronto called Orangeville Ontario. Don't worry, it's not going to be one of THOSE
stories, I'm too drunk not to at least try to be amuzing.
When I was like three or four, there was a picture taken of me sitting betwreen my two beloved adopted brothers *snip*, but my head was as big as
theirs, even though they were about five years older. My mother was Kay *snip* and my father Don (I don't care anymore about the NWO, who've read me
before on the Newgroups, btw, and I'm not LYING here, in fact George W. Bush used to read my writings in from the newsgroup alt.politics.bush). His
line, that he swtiched to, of "And may God STILL bless, the United States of America" that was a nod to me, although I later helped form the 9/11
truth movement, and was in effect, part of a small group of researchers who were responsible for Loose Change, and iterations. The most viewed video,
in the history of the world I might add.
But you see, that's my problem, that bravado I just displayed, and in all truth, I need your help, to take the PLANK out of my own eye, before I try
to remove, in vanity, the mere splinter from your eye, my brother genius, and I've seen you posting here, you are many, I am not the only one, perhaps
not even the best among you. I DO love though, dearly, on the other side of my own narcissus, I want you to know that.
My form of "crazy" you see I'm smart enough to know that its the good crazy on the other side of the bad crazy. How do I know? I can SEE it working
now, within myself and among my fellow man.
That said, part of my own geniuos, is not all good, and lightness, in part it was developed, my own awareness, through sin and evil, nothign major,
but of the more regular variety as you could guess, some of which would be embarassing, let us say, and hey we've all got something locked away in
that closet, and I just might be the crazier or the braver among us for coming right out with it, identifying it, in a very hopeful and loving sense
in my signatuure.
At the same time, I do not want to be TOO hard on myself either. I know, in spite of my flaws, that I have a great gift, something that I am afraid to
share to be honest, either with you, or eith anyone, and yet, whenever I DO share it, even if only in the form of the simplest geture and twinkling of
an eye in authentic care and lovingkindness, and "cuteness" (my word for my sense of occasioanal enightenment, now intensifying drtamatically as a
result of my sharing and "koinonia" with you here, you, even though I don't know you, have come to love, in spite of the fact that you have yet to
accept me, not knowing who or what I AM, or, for that matter, just who and what I'm pretending to be, and thus, the purpose of this drunken rambling
thread nearing Christmas.
Just to make you feel better - often times, I re-read my own posts, being the narcissist that I am (hey aren`t we all at some level at least I`ll
admit it), and I think *snip*, you IDIOT, just who and WHAT precisely, do you think you ARE, and who are you pretending to beÉ!!! (quetion
mark,*snip* that`s how bad it is I guess).
I am just like, you.
Statted out an atheist, with my dad being a minister of the United Church of Canada, although he started our as a cab driver, generally keeping all
his money to himself from my mom, even when pregnant with me, the selfish prick, and I was convinced that he only went into the ministry, because it`s
a good gig, free house (manse) and regular job and all that, visiting people, being liked, being a ``man of God`` (the hipocrite). One time, about the
only time I was really proud of my dad, although I`d hate to say it, would be when I invited him to speak for the profession of the Mininstry, when
doing one of those show and tell things in grade three. Recently, he came to me in a dream, Don , the obese Reverend, and I was sleeping in, sleeping
the day away in facft, while letting down my young boss who owns the Headhinting Company I work at in Vancouver Canada (might this post get picked up
on Google, my true identity, which I already give away in my Short Story sig identified - I no longer xare, I give up).
Let me tell you what scares me, and it`s so absurd - I need your help with this, in the most non-judgemental way..
I scare me, my ego scares me, my addictive personality, my degree of apparent egotism and narcissus, something you may have picked up on perhaps.. ( I
can tell btw, that you are kind of taken aback by me, even revolted by my audacity and boldness, by what you might think of as a type of mentally ill
Christ-like complex). I know. A true paranoid knows ALL this stuff, and can process it on the fly. So now I`m actively, creativity, infantile,
megalomaniacal, narcissistic, and I don`t care, what can I do (maybe that`s the way Im made, to express that authentically and humbly).
I truth, like you, I don`t really know how I am, any more than anyone else, except, Jesus.
This is what you hate the most about me, my seemingly rational, logical, and well processed mind and language pattern, then I start repeating, over
and over again, God, Jesus, God, Jesus - no wonder my ex-con ex-biker, ex-murderer friend Mark (he pretends that I don;t know he knows I know that he
was there for a killing at some point down the line in all his Shinnaigans), had to run away, when I start to `go for the balls`in terms of
identifying the REAL conspiracy of the ages (to be presented not by me, but by another ATS`r coming soon, something I`ve seen a shield attempted to be
erected around, so to speak), who can blame him. Can you imagine wanting to make friends with a guy who think`s his mind and heart is turning into
Jesus, telling you that `bad sex`with the wrong woman, done for the wrong reasons, imprisons you in an endless cycle of karma. How DARE I - the
hypocrite, say such a thing... even as Christ, I am to do nothign but love him and be his friend, and allow my clear eye automatically remove the
splinters from his eye.
As for my learning disabled neighbor, let us just say that the feeble minded IS the devil`s playground, in rather innocent and even humorous ways mind
you, just waiting to bear fruit in another life. This guy, and I love him as my brother, is more easily distracted, by what can only be desribedx as
`satan`than you can or ever will be, whowever you may be reading this - trust me. Must JOB then, is to be this guys nonjudgemental and supportive true
FRIEND! Like brotherly friend. He`s terribly flawed and, even if I were to become the very Bride of Christ himself made manifest at the end of ages,
he would still look at me funnny and then say thing funny and stupid, and more often than not, RIGHT ON TARGET - like tongiht for example, when he
kept on repeating over and over and over again - it`s ALL available, I can have it all NOW, over and over again. Meanwhile it was the Christ in me
which was permitting him, in his own feeble minded way - to take heaven by storm. I trued to say no, but his low for me allowed him continual access,
so he could not stop with that, being the money grubber that he is.
I will never be able to completely alter my retarded friend`s satantically manipulated mind, for the rest of my life, but I`ll stick by him. In fact,
tongiht I realized that I am his only, and best friend, and he most certainly does not take me serisouly, and, therefore, neither shoudl you, dear
reader, especially yung, high school or college reader, àuse I`ve got a very simple and extraorxaniry message for you my friend, if not in this post,
in another, or another.
If YOU, are able bodied, and minded, even super smart, in one way or another, if you look relatively normal (not that anything less is important) and
have an adept use of the english language, maybe are on track to becoming an accomplished debater or a lawyer, the product of one of any number of
Jesuit trained Universities - I would like to STOP YOU' right here, he who can hear me best, who loves my posts, but who also recognizes my fatal
flaw, but who doesn`t see it in himself, like I do with this certain character named Adi Da - I get him, but I recognize his error, and therefore take
over where he left off, his argument, incomplete.
You`ve probably conclueded that I`m crazy or a little touched, or on pot or something, and you`d be right on the mark.
I am using my very generously gifgted mind, to make up for something, to compensate, to PROVE something, driven my the veyr worlst parts, of myself.
There it is, but just WAIT, before judging me, okÉ
I put the same question to my mother, when she was dying, and she started out worse than me, worse than most, in many ways. She was, you could say, a
rather sick puppy, due to some, incestual relationships encouraged in unspoken language, by my own grandmother (her mom) of all poeple, with her own
brothers, of which there were three.
Don`t be so dismayed. Look back anywhere from one to three generations in your own family, and it will appear there also, believe it or not, and for
those with as many as three `clean`` generations, why then you`d better be up to a very VERY Big Game, let me tell you, recognizing that he who has
been humbled will be exalted and he who exalts himself (me), humbled before men.
Of course Im not winning points here with a lot of you, having the courage here to be real and spill the beans that desperately needing spilling and
that only .I' of all people, could spill. I give you that, but don`t be quite so fast... on the cheshire smile, at my expense, being the self admitted
loser than I am and have been and still can be, in spite of my apparent moments of light and illumination. For all we know, those are just projections
from my own darkness, we cannot know, as I`m pretty sly, and bring very smart, had all my teachers fooled and did not need to try. The whole system is
not set up for the gifted or genious child, not in the least, but it get`s worse.
You see, it is YOU who made me shrink away from my own light, my oiwn genius, and my own gift5s and talents. I got top marks without even trying and
the Powell twins actaully STOLE Sherry Brown`s history exam for ME, *snip*.
I was an enknown avatar in potentia what you other narcissistic people out there like to call yourself, a `star child`
BOTH my parets got `the all`to become United Church Ministers, and let us not forget my two adopted half indian brothers, who were adopted from the
far north of Ontario as a pair - were only supposed to come as one but my parents being the loving merciful adopting couple that they were, took both
together. My mother, much later, after having completed her own couragious period of therapy and every hpiiy thing going then, ultimately went on to
get her degree and ordination, to become one of the very FIRST women ministers of the United Church of Canada, she was a HERO, obvioiusly as a
compensatory mechanism for the great trauma, and gilt, of her childhood, which, of course, wasn`t her fault, neigther was it my grandmother`s fault,
but possibly some barbarian SOMEWHERE down the line who conked another on the head to steal his hot woman, who he`s seen very revealingly, down by the
Anway, my mother, Kay, was the real deal, she was an òvercomer` who actually helped people, to overcome, and to transcend, to be freed, to grow,
something rarely seen, any more, even if you were to seek out the best therapist around. Let me tell you, there were few with the amount of tricks of
up her sleeve, as Kay Rice, who was also the master of passive agggressive, who un fact taught her beloved son, who she permitted to manipulate her,
born of her supreme love for him, for me, for Bob (I used to be a BOB) the best ways, the best techniques.
Needless to say, such upbringing, and training, led me on a rebellious quest in search of the meaning of life, anywhere BUT there. What I didn`t
realize at the time, was the old addage that `what you resist, persists``. I can see now, that I am SO sick, and so fundamentally flawed and subject
to the karma of lust, selfishess, narcissus, and addicition, that God almighty, in his great love for me, placed me in the inescapable, irrevocable
position, than between two crosses, my parents and their extreme suffering. If that weren`t enough, my Dad was a closet gay, but unable to express
his needs except perhaps during the occasional trip to Toronto, or when hanging out with the ah, slightly less fortinate who frequent the coffee
shops, where in the end instead of giving or getting blow jobs, my Dad shared with them authentic friendship and even ministry (talk about laying
myself, my family heritage and my own faith open, but you`ll see in the end if you haven`t already, and I WILL show you, somehow, such that you`ll
`grok`` the wisdom of the ages and become enolightened.
In truth, this thead represents a type of future note, sent not to me, but to you, that I, although at one level reside well beyond us all or `ahead
by a centurty``, there is nevertheless something very intrinsic about my form of `prophecy`which is corrupted, even sinful, like a darkness against
which light can shien, and I`m so desperate to be a `good guy`` (the good guy I probably already am at heart) that I know NO BOUNDS, in terms of the
length, the breadth, the distance, that I will go, not just to give you the love you also crave and deserve, but to recieve it, from you.
Hoever, I am honest enough, not to become a thief like Adi Da, and try to get into teh center of your hear nor ask you to invite me or anything else
or anyone else to enter or reside in that sacred space, which can esaily be drawn with two lines, the first dawn with fingertips through the head,
from the ear temples, just front of, and slightly up from the ears.*snip*most litely at some point, no doubt when a hell`s angel or dealing with them
at kingpin sttus). Gone to spit (of all thing, and here you were thinking I was the 2ns coming.. how sad for you, and how FUNNY!)
I`m not giong to stop with this thread or post btw, because I don`t care, I`m come to realize that YOU are ALL of YOU, seeminly infinintely more
scares, than I an bring myself to be anymore.
For example, Mark`s my friend, and while I know or strongly suspect that never in this lifetime, or any other, would that charismatic devil bodyguard
of a Magnum PI type character, hit me, if he did, I just MIGHT lose, although I`m a 216 pound hulking hockey player on Superfood Supersmoothies (with
time for a laugh at my own absurdity here, which I`ve already forgotten.
So - my mother, was a Hero, and a Saint. She, not I was the authentic hero, which makes my own uique form of ah avatarishness learnning, even remotely
possible. She did the Great Work, I am totally lazy, let us be clear. That does not mean however, that you can judge me here, nor hold it against me,
since we are all of us a magnitcent ``work in process`` (caps and quotes have given out now in protest!) Who gives a rats a__, right.
So she overcame her dillemma, which for her was being somehow ruined, or shamed, or much wrose (since the biggest, number one problem with these seux
abuse or incest issues, she once had the simple COURAGE to shae with me, if the guilt, not the guilt for not having been innocant, or resonsiblle for
it, at some level, but the endless guilt, for having been intrigued, for having enjuyed it, the unforgivable, the taboo.
So while she died the work, of a lifetime of therapy, her brothers got off, in effect, scott frree, and I will tell you what I am ok with that now -
because it was SHE and SHE alone who forgave it. How on earth did swhe do thatÉ She came to realize that they were all already set up, from a
Isn`t that nuts! Hippy therapy at it`s very FINEST and Cark Jung would agree.
Kay Rice was born to have that experiecne, and overcome it.
So then, afyer marrying my dad, then a dashing, super good looking accomplished actor and active school hunk, becomes here point of focus, and you
know why don`t knpw, well if I didn`t already tell you, my dad was also GAY (I discovered this as a teen, as a drunk teen, rummaging through my Dad`s
room, for more booze, or even tea leaves!, in the form of playGIRL magazines, oh I was so embarassed), and so from then on, when I was around the then
popular `Powell Twins`` I was inclined to mimick my dad`s slightly whiney voice, always concerned about trivial BS, lazy, gluttonous stuff, orders,
demands, like `- give me a glass of ice water - he`d say, almost unwittinfly, to waitresses. Because of this, and other, lurking problems this problem
generated in their marriage, my mom finally MOVED to Toronto, when I was 13 years old, begging me to go with HER, who I lovsd. BUT, unable or
unwilling to leave my freidns and familiarity of the smalltown and smalltown highschool - party part, in neverending search of authentic love... I
elected to stay behind, with my Dad, who alhtough I loved him, was point of shame for me, and disdain. The very best I could muster, once I`d climed
the church steeple and thrown rocks at cars and people (not to hit them, just to freak them out, like rocks from heaven), was to put on my Black
Sabbath Tea-Shirt (an authentic one, of which I had two, including the Ronny James Dio authentic T I got that time we went to the concert from my
mom`s place in Toronto) - was lame, but VERY effective teasing immitations of my gay Dad, behind his back, to my closest friends. Forgive me Dad for
this you know I know you very very much, and knowing where you are wating bravely for me, while cheering me on, saying GO BOB, GO! I AM SO VERY PROUD
So meanwhile, having aknowledgesd the difficulty of my love.hate relationship with my Dad (crying now, because was tried he just couldn`t DEAL with
his*snip*, and I do still love him very much and me, given the explosive nature of my tears right now sharing with you, him also loving ME very much
(oh God this is so so hard..) I nweded this though, this sharing, getting out, this sympathetic harmonious connection with you, you invisiblle
highsool rebel brat who I love, or whoever you are, and kid, you may not know it yet, but some day you`ll kick ASSESss as the President of the United
Staes (I`ve now HAD that prophecy already, having given that up entirely as a future consideration now, wanting only to understand, in fullness, in my
next life, music, physics, psycholgy, law, politics, history and philosophy (yes, in my next next I am asking for asbolute child geniuus, sheltered
even in wealth, from the womb of my last mother reborn, in whch case she`s already back with us, Saint Kay, AND forever, in the mind and memory of
God, who remembers us all, and every bit, relative to ,ove, no matter how good or bad, in NON-judgement, whether atheist, or super smart super
`hero`gnosis believer like me, who may even be full of # on a few things anyway, how could I NOT be, not yet anyway.
But i will say, dear reader, whoever you ARE, that POTUS (including the veyr nature and rpemise of ``self``) is up for graps, it`s freely available
now, and I helped liberate it, here at ATS, as have a FEW others, even of late, including people from the east and who moved to the west, even one
authentic Avatar fborn and dred in New York City who made a tiny but terrible error by dint of simple and STUPID pride.
So even the very most ènlighteneded`and smartest peope in the whole world, make the same small mistakes, which have majhor ramifications, like in the
Beatles and the 60`s movement )depositting all that culture there, never forgotten), have ERRORS, myself included, and although this might sound
arrogent or presumptuous, I just have to include myself among them, only for being STUPID-eth, enough, to begin with, arrogant enough, to think my
pursuit or my calling, `special in some way`what with my mothers struggle and overcoming, my dad`s failure, nd success (I havent even told you HALF of
his mistake, which involved yes diddling my older adopted brothers, but never me, because I was, as he later told me mother `his own blood`). My
father, had a type of man-boy love relationship with my brother Brian, while leaving David largely alone, but before you step in and condemn, as the
hater or the smirking atheist you are (at this confession), you need to understand something about what it would have been growing up gay, back then.
My father was made gay btw (and please don`t reply to this one part if you are gay and reading this) in one way - and this will appear as a `new
theory`btw, to many, a `lie`` if you are gay - through neglect as an infant. He was first left in the hospital, for some time, and then raise by
maids. His dad btw, was an amputee, a very angry one, from the first world war. So you`ve got the stump stumping around angrily, while mom forsakes
the nurturing of her own child to mere maids or servants.
``Robert Donald Rice, O K Sure. Robert Donald Rice, O K Sure.`he would appparently repeat to his own self, the poor deer, as a youngster and perhaps
even as a young man.
I could go on to tell you how my beloved God parents of suffering and sorrow died back in 1998 and 1999, at the age of about 63, after while I
besically in a nutshell blew the entire inheritance, which was left solely and exclusively to me and my discretion, to leave out my one bro, who`s
wife my mother of all people tbhought was èvil`nad to be `my brothers keeper`` in regards to Brian, who, btw, I went out of my way for, to see some
justice over this thing, forcing my Dad to come down to Toronto, a 2=3 hour drive once, to say he was sorry, with me as the witness, and another as I
kept on turning around and driving back and back again to Colingwood, where he wanted to remain, just to make sure how much he knew he was loved, and,
horribly, just how much was continuing to play the victim in life, reaching the point of loving opportunity and loving embrace and then, het this,
choosing BOTH paths, to that he could basically get it from behind as he leaned over the chasm. Yes, very sad, and very couragious of me to try to
bring it to his attention, while helping him out from my own preferred, inherited son, as if I, not he would be better trust with something
approaching half a million dollars.
So my brothers, long since estranged from the family, with a brief reprieve from Brian and his GF Sherry, a thin, skelketal rake of an alchoholic, for
whom Brian was her `savior` (and indeed, he WAS), hanging around for ahilw towards the end, helping, but also hoping for some inheritance, which I did
not piece off, investing it instead in my budding Headhunting or Executive Seach business
STOPS for a moment to payse and ask myself - what the hell am I DOING, I`ve built up this nice reputation as an older wiser, even as an enlgttened New
Age Man, and here I go spilling all the beans, letting you in on the depth of familiar pain I had to go through, and seemingly am still to this xay,
to a degree.
But even Jesus has a controversial family lineage, and very possibly, a controversal BIRTH, being rejected by all the Inns for some reason (I believe
that part of the story, although I donèt think it was in Bethlehem, the House of Bread, which represents just the mytholoigical frame of reference,
nothing more. So of course you can see, and recognize, perhaps, even within your own family tree Ièm sure (although I will not sadistically force you
to confess it, like I am here, donèt worry), some sexual controversy of some kind, or something wrong, like murder.
In Jesusè case, it is all there, from murder, to sexual exploitation, manipulation, maybe even RAPE of all things, or a rape CHILD (oh what blasphemy
say my fellow Christians), but how else would a Jewish Mystic remain PERFECT and PURE, if he was not of the Essenian sect, for starters, and two,
someone who, by the nature of his own origins, HAD to be perfect, to fogure out what that would look like, and then somehow have the willpower, and
the willingness, to carry through with it (poor Jesus, no wonder you were gifted with the annointing of the Christ mind, the God person, as a loving
reward, in accordance with your Jewish Tradition).
No Ièm not saying that I am Jesus, although my own brother might be, and I once pointed it out to him, the degree to which his life has followed the
myth all the way down the line, and I told him about the spirit, how it can see ITSELF in Èthe signsÈ even those contained in the English Language
(that was where I was at back than, seeking signs, to affirm the love of God, for me, in a highly passive aggressive manner), and so it was funny when
Brian looked again at the Headlines in the Newspaper, and then looked back at me with
You think life is all ladi da, unthen (is that a wordÉ) before you know it, youère over 40 and wondering just how your still ALIVE, after it all,
the whole damn mess, but oh the learning, learning learning learning. I was just SO good in school I want you to know, without trying.
Long story short - getting to the GIST of it, is this.
So when my mom was dying of breast cancer, which has returned on her shoulder (it had been claered afeter her traumatic mastectomy for a number of
years before returning to exact itès price that it was collecting on her work) - she said it was probably due to all her work running around trying
to heal all the evil in these churches, where Ordained Ministeres, Reverends, in SOME cases, were having sex with their own perishoners, or
perishoners daughters even (the ultimate temptation of the devil, that attraction to the young and innocent and inexperienced), from all her work,
which would often involve, as the ÈPeronnel OfficerÈ for a large ÈConferenceÈ of the United Church of Canada, literally chasing silly ÈdemonsÈ
through the various sytems of sick people who are attracted to Chuch and Church power and politics.
i asked her, as we journeyed to the gate and to her final transition, together, a beloved, but very flawed son, and his beloved, and now saintly
mother, I asked her first - what is your special secret mom. How do you possibly DO what you do so effectively, helping poeple in this way (it was a
mystery to me, and I being the egomanianc that i was was NOT about to be outdone in the fullness of time and history, by my own MOTHER, who alone, I
respected (my Dad was a slobbish fat, homosexual, child molesting write off or embarassment to a large degree, to poor sap, and did HE EVER SUFFER for
it, by not being willing to bring it all the way out and into the other in therapy, and admit to it fully and completely, including the exploration of
the demonic sexual spirit within him, which drove the acts, and the ultimate violation of truth, caring as he was for these two lost boys, whoès OWN
parents, treated them literally, like garbage, whereby they would be beaten, lock in cupboards, or shut outside in the winter for days at a time, to
sleep in an abandoned old car, or get some charity from the cook at the local dine. I think their natural mother was the indian (Cree) and the father,
white. They were both severe alchoholics, not to say that Brian got better treatment by my father, in secret (and I swear to God I never KNEW, not at
all, only that I felt VERY uncomfortable hugging my father or kissing him (he wanted to stick tongues together once which totally grossed me out,
because I did it), but that was all playful, with me, but not with Brian, David, or in at ,least one case, their young friend they'd invited for a
sleepover one night, only to awaken to see my Dad performing fellatio, upon their own friend! Can you IMAGINE!
NOW, before you go condemning my father, you MUST know about his sufferings. Indeed there has to be karma, because this poor lad had a very difficult,
and challenging life, starting with undiagnosed sleep apnea (which I have although I'm not the least but fat any more, but the structure of my wide
throut won't allow me to go off my nighttime breathing machine, which I should be on NOW, getting rest for work tomorrow, at a job I am now barely
clinging on to, and dislike now (so secretly I'm wanting to lose my job, by afraid of the consiequences, what do you know, the Great Big and MIGHTY
NEW AGE MAN, a lazy, cigarette addicted, pot smoking, irresponsible, obsessive compulsive. - Well, if the truth be known, you know this anyway from
reading me, you just had to KNOW that I'm a little touched in some way, that there's soimething not QUITE right there, something hidden, secrety,
secret horror of SOME kind, and you did this, you assumed this correctly, vy the blatant display of my own self expression, and the sig line by Wilde,
about sinners and saints is a dead giveaway. Sadly, I've been covertly and secretly moked for that here at ATS, you know those side arrows that cannot
be ANYthing other than a snide remark at you, perhaps even made to another poster, after you post, that kind of thing, and you can tell that people,
that "normal" people, are thinking to themselves and who can't wait to tell others (hey my " is working again what do you know must have passed a
certain threshold of honesty or something and the tech God's felt that I was oweed a slight assist in continuing with this CRAZY, whacky, OCD, run on
thread about my life and it's depth of pain and sorrow, which makes me me, ulimately, and which ougt to lift your spirits somewhat, suffering reader
who THOUGHT that they knew me and that was was some sort of all together enligthened avataric individual.
But you see, that's also part of me, where the more that suffering, carves into our being, the more JOY we can contain!
I was BUILT for my own calling, whatever it may be, and so was Jesus too, not that I'm trying to compare mysqelf, and there iz no compare and no
student who can be as great as his master, but, as you'll start to see, in the underlying pattern of this God family of sorrows, the Rice family (and
I realize and understand that I'm not the only one to have some sort of whacky or disfunctional family, and to you who are going WOW, this guy's got
some balls and I can totally relate to the concept of unending family suffering, in whatever form, whether by sexual or some other deeply hurtful or
even EVIL form of ABUSE.
In my case, here's my dillmma in a nutshell, the two arrows of fate, which drove me straight into it, straight into a type (of some sort) of fated
God-related, in some way (and for those who know me, you know when I use the word "God" that I am NOT using it in the traditional sense of the world
by any means, but more as an author of love, and well, I have to admit it, as a loving parent.
Getting back to Mom, and to the true nature of moms in generaal.... of course everyone's mom, is the "best" mom a persona could have. Totally
understanding, and therefore knowing full well your every flaw and foible, mothers, not wives, accept you, the whole you and nothing BUT you,
unconditionally. If this wasn't the case with you, my condsolences for having a disfunctional mother, a very hard thing to deal with and get over, but
my MOM, in spite of her prior "sickness" and lingering SYMPTOMS from time to time, during which she would just take right OVER from my Dad, who would
wimp out, and would shrink down in size, if he wasn't so obese from eating sandwiches every nght during his awakenings, often from the flat floor in
the basement (more confortable for the mass of his body, to lay on the floor than a bed, he was about 350 I guess, about 5'8``), and FREAK RIIGHT OUT,
and lliterally go into a screaming FIT of despair, and what was worse is that after aquainting herself with the forms and frames of therapy, she would
do in a way and a manner which was entirely !00% justified, and her favorite passive aggressive maneuver, and THE most effective, since she alone was
capable of loving, and who along even KNEW what love was, and in her case, it was her VERY JOB, as a compulsive hero (wait until you hear this..) -
she, like no other mother on the face of the earth, could effectiely employ love itself as a weapon of utter HORROR and DEEP, DEEP' sorrow, suffering,
and despair (enough at least to match her own). But like I said, she kept at it, and neve stopped, never STOPPED working on herself, for the sake of
herself, her family and the larger world she was emersed and PRESSED INTO serving, not just helping out, but SERVING with her entire being. In fact,
once time my good or best friend from the past, Chris, was breaking up with his wife and had met what he thought was his more authentic soul mate,
over the internet, down in Florida, in a chat room called The Hottub! (eyeroll), but don`t assume, he was correct, both in being called OUT of his
marraige AND that he has indeed found a soul mate, who he`s still with, after a number of years, with her moving up from Canada (although, and here we
go yet AGAIN - I have intuitive knowledge, and truth based awareness, about something involving my friend Chris`s past, and his own absolute sex
addiction, and to what (buds know what their friends truly crave), that he`s fìng her daighter, with her awareness, and blessing - but they bought
the daighter, a budding young 15, 16 year old, get this, a pure, friendly, nice, caged, bunny rabbit, which they semed to be making a big and somewhat
guilt ridden deal over, last time I flew there to visit old friends (after I employed the movie The Secret along with my faith and blessed ah..what`s
the word, providence, yes, to somehow get out to Vancouver Canada, where the ocean meets the moutains (thought it would be nice, environmental and
spirtitual, but it turns out to be both the nicest and THE most socially SHALLOW places on the face of the Earth, next maybe only to downtown Detriot.
What the HELL am I doing here, starting to come down, sober up a bit, and here I am typing Mr. Hollands Opus in a note or a key few have ever heard
----but I want to to KNOW me, isn`t that just ABSURD, how LONELY and NEEDY I still am.. ! It would make me cry right now, if I hadn`t recently
starting getting to a whole new place, in part, what I was `celebrating`this evening, with my screwed up friends, and that`s like me, to enjoy a
little hard death and destruction to Celelbrate new life.
My mother liked to say to me, get this - Bob, you have an addiction, to laziness. You have all the hallmarks (said in soft and eternally loving
unconditional Kay-like voice), or
You know something, about these struggles that I see you struggling with (she was cute bte, loved stuffed animals and bears and would employ toiy
therapy with her paitients)
---so tied, I just heard a future reader ask - how OLD are you or is this guy!
I`m 43, not turning the double whole numner (yes I still play with signs, but not as seriously as I ONCE DID, now THERE is another story and one I
will share, whether you all reject me and hate me or love me or not - I just know there is SOMEONE and probably more than a single one, who benefits
from the sudden, inexplicable, and apparenrly unending rantings and verbal self congratulatory diatribes made here at ATS by a strange so-called
Christian or New Age Christian (what`s THAT), who is called `New Age Man`` because he cannot think of anything more appropriate, no longer even sure,
or particularly concerned about, who he even IS to begin with, insisting instead, to make himself feel better about his own unresolvable paradox of
self reflection, that he just doesn`t really know who and what he is, or may be becoming, other than whatever it is, I really am, and have been all
So this is what I`d like to bring forth for you, with this crazy intro, the most guts and horror, informal, laundry airing, and daring intro ever. You
see, part of my own drama, if you will, is the unending desire to be `special`` AND to be RECOGNIZED.
My LACK of love, in this world, now that my mom and dad are gone, and no longer even connected with my brothers, who I loved and who who really loved
me, and my parents, both of them. I once tearfully asked Brian directly, just how, on earth, in anywhere, or at ANY time, he could forgive my Dad for
what he did, which messed Brian up, not about his sexuality, but about his worthiness, his manliness, and his ability to move around in the world
supported by a loving God. For Brian, God thereafter, has always been an absuser at some level, I was not able to bring this to his attention, to his
awareness. He is always losing everythign and everyone and every THING, including the very universe itself, is out to get him, to bring him close to
having somethign joyful, then then he chooses two paths, reality devides, and then he get`s split in two and falls into the ditch he just created
before HIMSELF. I tried to teach him how to successful `walk`` again, but I don`t think he wanted that, he wanted to play victim, for this round, and
probably many more (if only my Dad understood what he might have unleashed there in that life, and psyche and soul).
Once time, when Brian and Sherry were around (waiting for Mom to die I guess to collect `theirs`` which they never did get, now I`m sure forever
blaming me, the special one), Brian comes down the stairs after spending some time with my mother and I looked up and it was like
BEHOLD THE MAN!
I didn`t even recognize him, for a moment, his STATURE was just so GREAT, so MANLY. She DID IT, I thought to myself, you magnical mystery saint of a
mother, your miracles never cease, but it wasn`t strong enough, or last long enough, and so Brian eventually went back to his old continual
Gee, this is becoming a psych=majors study and thesis, ehÉ! (thingy not working again, darn)
Anway, so one time, when I`m sitting with my mom, as she was you know, dying but still entirely in the land of the living, looking forward to her
death, her with serenity, me with a totally repressed FEAR AND HORROR (I used to have these nagative fantasies when I was a kid about her getting
killed in a car accident on her way home from Toronto, after 10 days, working the night shift, as head of nursing at the Clark Institute of Psychiatry
in Toronto, she said that it really WAS busier after a full moon, believe it or not)
- I have the gaul to say and then ask her this: I said Mom, you obviously had a terrible upbringing, and suffered horrifble, horrible things,
unspeakable things, and while we know you`ve already done that work, as well as the work of forgiveness, of all involved
...have you ever considered, that your unquestionably herioc efforts to HELP PEOPLE, HELP PEOPLE, endlessly and compulsively, almost, all your life,
with all your energy, have you ever thought (i may sounds like some of those cold heartless ATS`rs here) that maybe, the whole thing was simply a
COMPENSATORY reaction, to the suffering, and so, to make yourself FEEL normal, or good about YOU, you do this endless helping thing. Maybe it`s just a
big hero badge to make up for the indignity of your lost childhood or youth..
(what a thing to SAY to such a mom as this, eh)
so she just casually pauses for a moment (like I said, she became rather saintly towards the end, like having my own personal Sadhu Holy Woman of God
available 24-7, and she said to me, with a friendly, loving look
Why, of course that`s what got me into the helping profession, many people in the health care business or the mental health business in particular,
are motivated for that very reason, whereby intially, that is exactly what it is, you`r right. BUT, at the same time, while that`s what got me going,
and so maybe intiially I was motivated for all the wrong reasons, it became a willing conscious service, I`m not sure when that actually was, but at
some point, I started diong God`s will, and in the end, I have no regrets of any kind. God works in very mysterious ways sometimes I guess..
Thanks for listening, this was just crazy, sorry for going on so long and thank you for reading, and gee wiz I sure hope you don`t change your
viewpoint of me in a bad way at all.
I am not unlike my mother I guess you could say. And where Jesus willingly took the hit, sandwitched between two cross, or so the story goes - me, I
was `passed over`` in the middle, between the two, then left the entire inheritance, of which they got nothing.
The injustice of this I`m sure continues from my brothers`end and I don`t blame them, being those who were adopted, who suffered, but were not
So mine is a survivors guilt, and that`s what drives me, and why I do what I do here, thinking that maybe, in this palace of words, someone, at some
point, might get something out of it, and well I`ve already gotten so much from so many others, as well as from having such a channel of
I may come back and make a few more normal posts later to this very strange into
Thanks for reading and letting me vent. Perhaps now you might better understand when I say things like I came out of the dark night of the soul
unscathed with my sanity still intact, etc.
Survivors guilt, in many ways that`s worse than the guilt and everything that comes with actual victimization.
And although my own two brothers, both adopted when they were five and six, my parents thinking that they were not able to have children (perhaps my
dad had a hard time, you know..), although THEY think I`m just the spoiled brat fo the family, who, even at their time of the death of my mother, was
still the `chosen one``, who then ran off and robbed them of their rightful inheritance as adopted children (this has a LOT of meaning and
significance for me as a Christian btw), and took off,, never to be seen again - if they had even the SLIGHTEST clue, how much I have suffered by
proxy to work to somehow make thnigs right or better, even if only relative to all my broithers and sisters, wherever they may be found - I think they
would forgive me, and let me off the hook, adn they would do it in a heartbeat.
Family origins - it`s where it all starts and ends.
And yes, I will try to reach them by phone at Christmas, the little brother, the passover who took nothing, in between the twin pillars of the Church
(both parents as ministers).
Why I even typed this insane mess into here, but something tells me that you people can be trusted, and that like me you only wantt the best, and have
grown tired with all the nonsense that goes on. A seeker of the REAL God, of the real Dad, and there I must say, that there is peace now, both for him
and for me, but my laziness, that`s just me still trying to torture him somehow by some sort of unconsiously motivated karmic proxy, so I`m still
crazy, still healing from the whole mess that was the Rice family.
Heck, I`m too scared to even find a good mate and craete a family of my own, lonely, but with a heart of gold that must I have learned, how truly
wonderful and caring and loving of a person I really am, and that`s somethign, if nothing else.
Later (about to press post with sever trepidation)
edit on 16-12-2010 by NewAgeMan because: (no reason given)
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edit on Thu Dec 16 2010 by Jbird because: profanity and personal info