Just Another Emotionally Trapped Woman seeking advice about My Abusive Relationship

Hello ATS,

I need some real advice. This is very personal, and I really would like to hear some honest opinions and sincere posts. I'm very sensitive, and this is a very touchy subject, so please refrain from making unnecessarily rude comments.

thankyou

Ok, so, I've been in what I'd call a pseudo-relationship. I don't even know how to begin to explain it, but here goes...

My significant other and I have known each other in face-to-face time for like 1/2 a year. We are in a long distance relationship (not going to get into details), that is primarily internet-based. This is a kind of 'new' relationship, that officially bloomed early this year, though, we've known of one another for 5 years. All of our communication is online, and he NEVER talks to me directly. We just kinda play W.O.W all the time, and speak through our Characters to each other.

Problems
The reason why I call this an 'abusive' relationship, is for a few reasons (explanations below):

(1) The Way he talks to me.
(2) My lack of privacy.
(3) The Fact that nobody knows I'm his girlfriend.

Explanations

1. He talks down to me - on many occasions, he's outright told me that I was "Worthless" "Stupid" called me names like "Cheese face" alluded to me being a "sociopath" and often accused me of cheating on him. Whenever he gives advice, it's all wrong, and by wrong, I mean, it's insensitive. Instead of helping me to grow as a person, he uses tasteless comments to sort of 'steer' me into the direction HE believes is best. Sometimes, he makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, but, most of the time, he puts so much pressure on me, to be and look a certain way, that it puts me into a complete depression. He'll talk about how good he thinks other women look, but he never tells me I am beautiful.

2. Lack of Privacy - As stated, our relationship is completely online, we never see one another outside of our computer screens. Since we are on WOW like all the time, we know where one another is, and we do exchange images. I know of at least one incident, where I discovered that he had shared some very private pictures with some of his other online friends. They were talking about it, making cruel comments, and it honestly made me want to vanish off the face of the planet, because I had shared something that I considered special, with him (because I believed I was giving the picture to him) only to be tricked into giving it to one of his friends, and he knew about it, he was the one who set it up. Never had I been so embarrassed before in my entire life, and this is something I had to get counseling for, and I still have not been able to get over it.

Not only has he allowed my images to be spread across the internet, but he also heavily monitors my online activity, wants to know my passwords to sites, and reads my emails from time to time. I have an online diary that I set to private, but if I don't put something on there that he likes, he shuts it down, until he wants me to write again. There is a ton of other stuff I could bring up, but I think it might creep out almost anyone that read it, so, just know that he pretty much rides my arse all the time, and controls what I do and see on the internet, to an extent.

3. Nobody knows I'm his girlfriend - To my knowledge, he has not told anyone that I exist, other than his online friends. He has hinted to the two of us getting married, but really, who would be at the wedding? He never lets me around his friends or family when he does come into town, it's almost like he's ashamed of me.

In Conclusion

If you're still reading this, then you probably do agree with him, that I am a stupid woman for ever putting up with his sh#. I think it is safe to call this an abusive relationship, because it has put me in the hospital/psychward 3 times (yeah, 3) and I've lost almost all of my savings just trying to pay off the medical bills from it. I have lost all of my friends (except 2) and I have become a bitter woman. I know it is not a healthy relationship, but I have had many undeniably spiritual things happen to me, that have truly convinced me that I am suppose to be with him (if you wish to know about them, U2U me). Whenever I have been around him, in person, I feel a connection, I always have, it truly was love at first sight, but I wasn't looking at his body or outside appearances, it was what I saw inside of him that first attracted me. I believe he is my soulmate, but, this relationship is killing me in every single way.

Please ATS help, I've been on this site since 2007, and I would really like to hear from some of you who have more experience with life and relationships (I'm 23). And please, really, if you have nothing helpful or nice to say, then please do not post here.

First off, I do not think you are "stupid".
but I do think you are a young woman in a very bad "relationship".

My advice is,

Dump him, Move on now while your still young and not completely jaded by this arrogant selfish man.

if you dont want to quit WoW get a namechange and a server transfer, And move on,,

Seriously

Just dump him..

Respectfully,

~meathead

I don't know if you will think this mean or not. But my earnest and heartfelt advice here is:

Disconnect the Internet for awhile and get some perspective. I do not mean this in a harsh way at all. And I understand that what you are feeling is very important and real to you. But this does have all the hallmarks of a horrible relationship and you have a much easier out than most women in that situation have. You can simply unplug a wire to get free.

Whatever happens, I do wish you the best of luck.

~Heff

Get out of this relationship , go back to being single. Enjoy the single life for awhile, it will do you good.

Long distance relationships are hard at the best of time, even if other parts of the relationship are good.

My advice would be that you should try being a little bit more selfish, if the relationship isn't making you feel good then it's not worth having as there are other relationships that will (although obviously no relationship is ever perfect)

Life is too short to waste any of it being unhappy, especially if it's something that you could easily change. Your 23 go and have some fun and stop worrying so much about someone who doesn't treat you well

you're likely to see alot of the same messages, and they are all correct. this guy is obviously a jerk, and its a shame he has such a hold on you. were the pictures you sent him sexual? i can understand why you would be upset that he shared them, but if they regular photos, not so much. either way thats not important because of the unkind words they said towards you afterwards. i used to play wow alot and i loved the social aspect of the game, im sure there are other nice people on your server to make friends with, and im sure lots of guys would kill for a nice girl that plays wow such as yourself. dump this loser and move on!

Yeah, get out while you're still sane -
Anyone who calls you names and talks down to you isn't worth the time of day. Don't wait too long, because the longer you hang around the worse it'll get... Like heff & meathead said, ust disconnect from his life either by quitting all together the WOW or doing the identity change thing... but leave his ass.

PS - you're not stupid, either.

Why are you even in a relationship with this guy? It sounds like he doesn't even treat you with the respect that you deserve. This guy doesn't even talk to you outside of the internet and he doesn't acknowledge you around his peers? That to me sounds like a red flag. The other red flag is that he constantly plays WOW. What are you doing with these kinds of guys? Another red flag was that he shared private information of yours with others and he has access to your emails. Why would you even do this? Pull out of the relationship.

You need to run from this relationship and try not to look back. I was in the same situation you are. I felt we were meant to be together, we were sole mates, but i did not see the warning signs. We ended up together. He is now in jail. I know when he gets out, he is going to come after me. I would rather not write details here on the public forum and could not figure how if there was a way to send private messages. If there is and you want more details, contact me privately.

Thank you all for responding to my OP. I don't want to dump him, I Love him, even though I do not understand why he is doing this. If I were to be single again, I do not see myself (or plan on seeing myself) with anyone, because I am so emotionally spent. I know it is horrible to say, but, he really is the only thing I live for, even though he treats me so bad. I haven't had the best life, as far as person to person relationships go, and to be honest, I've had some serious psychological issues that started showing at a very early age (at 9yr.) because of some of the things I've been through and had to deal with.

I know I should dump him, and I can list a million reasons why. I don't even know why I posted now, because I know I'm not going to change my mind on the matter, I just felt like I needed to say it.

reply to post by leira7


I'm sorry about this and before I give you my advice let me preface it with the fact that I am a male. For whatever that is worth to you.

Ok, first, does he know where you live? If he does move....
Second, does he have access to your financial matters? If so revoke it (change banks etc)
Third, there is no question that he has a very strong and bullying influence over you....You are the one that will have to stand up to that, shake it off and get on with your life...I recommend you unplug the internet, and come back to earth in the real world for a while....I recommend you go out and go shopping, start with your two other friends and go do something meaningful in the physical world ( I suggest you go volunteer at the local children hospital, that is one of the most gratifying things you will every do)....

It sounds like you have very low self esteem, now, that may sound harsh, but it you'll look inside you'll acknowledge that it's true...Otherwise you would never allow this to happen....I don't want to diminish the value of dreams and visions because sometimes they are true, but a lot more of the time they come to us because we are preoccupied with something as it sounds you are with him....He is NOT!! your soul mate lady....You have got to tell yourself that first and foremost or none of the advice anyone gives you will sink in.

Please Please end this ASAP....get out of it and get on with you life, or we are going to hear about another lady murdered by her jealous WOW lover.....

And for further advice, never, never never give a stranger pics of you, especially naked ones....Unless you are in a committed relationship I would never do that, nor would I require it of someone I loved, (For that matter, even in committed relationships, sooner or later some of those go sour and your sorry for it anyway, so, just don't do it).

This is mostly likely going to take a severe amount of resolve and willpower to accomplish, but I don't care what your reasons for low self esteem is, (and perhaps you should see a psychiatrist to help you with some of those issues), the fact of the matter is you are a special person in more people's eyes than you know, You need to realize that, take control of your thoughts and emotions, and put your chin up, your shoulders back and kick this piece of dreck in the proverbial digital balls and get him out of your life.

Good luck, God bless and let me know if I can help you in any way.

Woah this is not a relationship. Not from his side anyway.

Nobody that cares for somebody does those things. Particularly the sharing of your photo was a massive abuse of trust. Not to mention totally controlling you.

You need to realise that this guy is a total ass and move on. The sooner the better.

In one foul swoop you should change all of your passwords (that he has) and never have contact again. Send him an email to explain if that makes you feel better but otherwise let him go. This ass of a guy doesn't deserve you and the sooner you realise that the better.

You need to get some self confidence so you will never give somebody so much power over you again.

C'mon a chick that plays heaps of WoW.... YOU are somebody's dream girl for sure


.

I have found that more often than not, long distance relationships only work on a temp basis. If you dont plan to move to the same city, then the subject is moot. And it's time to move on.

It's normal for people to have spats, and to say things that they dont mean, but constantly? Constantly is bad.

The fact that he doesnt claim you as a significant other, probably shows you that he is with someone else. Im sorry, but that's the way I see it.

I agree with another poster. leave the computer alone for a while. Ive done this before myself. No games, or facebook, or anything. Decompress for a few weeks, and figure out what you want and deserve.

Dont ever let anyone dictate your happiness, and disregard anyone that stands in the way of your happiness.

reply to post by leira7
Then what is the point of your post ? there is no magic pill to fix your relationship , you are the only one who can fix it.

Originally posted by leira7
Thank you all for responding to my OP. I don't want to dump him, I Love him, even though I do not understand why he is doing this. If I were to be single again, I do not see myself (or plan on seeing myself) with anyone, because I am so emotionally spent. I know it is horrible to say, but, he really is the only thing I live for, even though he treats me so bad. I haven't had the best life, as far as person to person relationships go, and to be honest, I've had some serious psychological issues that started showing at a very early age (at 9yr.) because of some of the things I've been through and had to deal with.

I know I should dump him, and I can list a million reasons why. I don't even know why I posted now, because I know I'm not going to change my mind on the matter, I just felt like I needed to say it.

edit on 3-12-2010 by leira7 because: -_-

I can understand that you love him and don't want to let him go.

You must realise though that he is the source of your problems and is doing you no good whatsoever.

And I'm sorry to say but to be honest I don't think he loves you. His actions prove otherwise.

You need to get some self confidence and realise that there are much, much better guys out there than him.

Letting go is harder at first, for a couple of months anyway, but in the long-run it will be much, much easier, i promise you.

Why do you love him? Do you really think you have a future with this guy? Do you really think he loves you?

I'm sorry if I come off rude or anything, I definitely don't mean to be, I'm just trying to help.

And FWIW, I'm a guy too.

I don't think this guy is the source of the problem, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say W.O.W is the problem... Maybe the game has got you in a funk, I've been there not with that particular game but it's very life consuming... If you were to unplug go hang out with your friends, go to a bar have some fun I think you would forget about this guy rather quickly.... I think this game and you having a connection to him through it is the real problem, good luck though with whatever happens....

you said, "Thank you all for responding to my OP. I don't want to dump him, I Love him, even though I do not understand why he is doing this."

I am still having trouble staying away from this guy I was involved in, but it reached a point where I knew he was destroying my life and wound end up sooner or later killing me. While I still have urges to return to him, I also know this is something i cannot do.

You need to get out of this relationship - been there - done that - and managed to come out alive - that is what you need to do.

reply to post by Mike Stivic


I was in love with a man for years... Always felt that connection. Finally, this past week we get together again. And he professes to be the 2nd son of god and will soon rule the world. Etc etc etc. Then, after an argument tells me I was acting like a phyco... And ... It was a mess. Someone I was in love with for soo long... Was nothing but an illusion. I'd thought he was the one. But... It took us fighting and him showing his colors for me to fully get over him. (By the way of him telling me to "shut up"... As I was just trying to make a point. Now I see his was never worth going back to. You should be able to be yourself, and not be ridiculed for appearance. As for that bonded connection (and believe me, I know) I've chalked it up to, I learned what I needed from him. Perhaps that's true with you as well. Personally I've thought of doing a post on here too about my situation. I feel brainwashed, tho don't believe he is the 2nd son of man. (So next time you think someone assumes the world revolves around them.... Ha ha)
We select the illusions that best fit with our temperament... Choose wisely.

I thought I would chime in on this one, as I had a close friend, who I no longer talk to because of the same things that you have mentioned. She lost her home, money, friends, family, and self esteem after playing games like second-life, and WoW.

Also, I stopped talking to her, because it was a decision that she made, based on the advice from a guy that she never saw, and lived across the globe. She also thought that he was the "love" of her life, and left everything she ever knew to "be" with this man. She had very low self esteem, due to her physical nature, and never shared photos of herself, but the love she felt for her avatar, is how she began seeing herself, as her actual appearance began to disintegrate.

She lived for this person, who mistreated her, spoke abusively towards her in front of others (online), and she became a joke. She excepted this, and never said a word. What I noticed on these games is that there is a community of "dominate" and "submissive" players, and those of the more dominate nature tend to search out those who have particular needs. I do not personally know you, so I cannot speculate on your nature, but I'm sure you can see it there if you choose.

I am a woman, and I can tell you that getting in an abusive relationship is much easier then getting out. When a woman has a more submissive nature, or has personal, physical, or mental issue, it shows. The good side of this,.. and yes there is a good side. Woman can bounce back! With some support, and good friends (even if its on ATS), you can bounce back. NO ONE can take anything from you, you have to voluntarily give it away!

The fact that you posted this, is probably the most important step that you have taken so far. Of course you can turn back, but you will always remember this thread, and I hope that when you are indeed, in need of an uplifting message, you will bookmark this page, and see all the wonderful things that were said, and how strangers said them.

If complete strangers can have compassion for you, then why wouldn't the person that you love. I dont know you, but I feel for you, your written words were sincere, and yes, even though you put your feelings out on the table, makes you STRONGER than you think.

Please, you can U2U me at ANYTIME if needed. I am non judgmental, and understand that venting how you feel can change your world.

Peace, Love, NRE.

Originally posted by leira7
1. He talks down to me - on many occasions, he's outright told me that I was "Worthless" "Stupid" called me names like "Cheese face" alluded to me being a "sociopath" and often accused me of cheating on him. Whenever he gives advice, it's all wrong, and by wrong, I mean, it's insensitive. Instead of helping me to grow as a person,

1. Nobody has the right to call another human-being "Worthless" or "Stupid" The cheating accusation is most likely his own insecurity. Also sometimes people accuse others of the very thing they themselves have done or are doing.

2. Lack of Privacy - As stated, our relationship is completely online, we never see one another outside of our computer screens. Since we are on WOW like all the time, we know where one another is, and we do exchange images. I know of at least one incident, where I discovered that he had shared some very private pictures with some of his other online friends.

2. Stop right there. If he doesn't respect your privacy now what makes you think he will respect it ever?
That is a total violation of your rights. Legal action could be a option. After you dump him.

3. Nobody knows I'm his girlfriend - To my knowledge, he has not told anyone that I exist, other than his online friends. He has hinted to the two of us getting married, but really, who would be at the wedding? He never lets me around his friends or family when he does come into town, it's almost like he's ashamed of me.

3. Then you have to ask yourself is the relationship worth it? I mean if he is that immature that he cannot hold you or the relationship in full public knowledge then he simply is not worth it or the potential heartache.

In Conclusion

If you're still reading this, then you probably do agree with him, that I am a stupid woman for ever putting up with his sh#. I think it is safe to call this an abusive relationship, because it has put me in the hospital/psychward 3 times (yeah, 3) and I've lost almost all of my savings just trying to pay off the medical bills from it. I have lost all of my friends (except 2) and I have become a bitter woman.

Dump him and move on. If you are youngish or hell even if you are starting to get up there like me remember there are plenty of other fish in the sea. There is always somebody else. I know it may not feel like it now but it's the truth.