I'm so sick of going to school and learning about things that other people deem important, being indoctrinated. I only do it because i feel like i
have to in order to do anything in society. Nowadays, you can't get a good job without a college degree. I'm still in HS btw. Plus, being in school
gets me around people, which is really one of my only pleasures, socializing. But secretly, i resent the bureaucrats and elite who make me do this.
Why should i have to learn Spanish to graduate? I feel helpless and powerless against this machine we call the system.
I think every day of why i'm this way. Why i'm able to see how messed up society is, and why i just can't seem to buy into a 9-5 job and schooling.
Why i resent authority. Why I'm OCD and have a temper. Why I'm a bit of a loner, introvert yet am happiest around people (a bit of a paradox).
I'm rooting for the whole 2012 thing because frankly i can't stand it anymore. But the rational part of me tells me that nothing will really change. I
don't know what will happen.
I keep trying to envision a society that i would like to be in, but think of a logical way to get from here to there (open, free society, abundant
resources, free energy, live and let live approach, etc.) The world I'm in and the world i want to be in are 2 different worlds. Perhaps being 17 has
something to do with it. i'm at that age where the identity crisis is at it's peak and i can see that. But i just get so down when i start to think
about my future. With things the way things are now, i can't do anything without money. What i want is to be able to be free to do as i please
(without harming anyone). To be able to travel and meet people. To be able to relax at the beach if i feel like it. To just have fun. Yet i can't do
that in our current world without money.
I try to have fun with the little things in life, yet it's so hard when the world is so messed up. If I try to forget about what's going on in the
world, and have a good time, i feel like i'm turning a blind eye to the world and feel guilty. If i mess up, i beat myself up and feel guilt for a
while. With OCD, i get random thoughts sometimes, like unwanted, crude and disgusting thoughts. It's a dark side. I feel like such a bad person
because i have these thoughts.
I'm not going to kill myself or anything, but i'm just so tired and worn out of everything. I'm posting this here because I'm hoping you guys can give
me some advice. I don't think I'm mentally unstable, I'm just really depressed over how our world is. The nature of my depression is that of a more
complex and philosophical nature, which is why i thought ATS would be a good place to post this.
edit on 2-12-2010 by mossme89 because: (no
edit on 2-12-2010 by mossme89 because: (no reason given)