posted on Nov, 26 2010 @ 10:45 AM
I don't know what the fuss is about.
We have a simple system set up here.
The neighborhood watch sets up a perimeter and we rent big trucks.
All of our Christmas money is pooled in one account and before Thanksgiving we scout out the best deals. Once we know what stores will be the targets
we get together the tactical action committee.
The ex and active military and law enforcement folks along with a few ex wrestlers and a one time pro nose tackle for the Saints named Lou, all dress
up like homeless people and loiter at the entrance just before the store opens.
The other members of the team pull up in an unmarked van just prior to S-Hour.
At a pre arranged signal the team comes together in a wedge formation going at high speed with concealed tasers and brass knuckles. We take out the
door while the aquisition team followes closely behind. If this maneuver is done correctly, we can get a 30 to 40 second head start on the
competition. The third part of the entry plan calls for our toughest members to intercept the throngs of rabid consumer zombies by taking them out
with walkers and umbrellas. Our best interception member is Maude, knee killer Mac Gillicutty. She was a professional roller derby queen in her day.
She can take em out at the knees even at the age of 73.
The rest is a piece of cake due to the younger members of the team being pre stationed at the key points in the store by the time the doors are
opened. They sneak in Mission Impossible style and conceal themselves among the clothing racks and displays.
All of the good deals have been pre marked with tracking beacons and flourescent paint that is visible with the special glasses that the aquisition
Once the primary targets have been secured the team begins to check in with the mobile command post who then gives redirects to secondary targets or
helps to triangulate in on any unsecured primary items.
By this point the store is flooded with shoppers all going for the best deals. It's chaotic but that helps to conceal the teams efforts and breaks up
any indications of a pre concieved plan within the shopping group.
The original entry team breaks up into individuals and pairs and works as blockers and security on high priority aquisitions as the team moves to the
checkout lines. This is actually the most critical part of the operation as it is the point where the zombies begin to realize that the Fisher price
"Little Brains" 3D learning video game system with holographic video projection (batteries not included) they waited two days in the rain and snow
for is no longer on the shelves but is being hustled down the long aisle between sporting goods and womens wear by a teenager wearing an ear mike and
a 73 year old roller derby champ.
The zombie glares, points and yells "Brains!"
Soon, every basket with a high priority gift is being pursued by zombie shoppers desperate to get one of the $500 dollar game sets at 93 1/2% off with
coupon. Of which the store stocked only 3.
The race to the checkout counter is punctuated by short but violent skirmishes with soccer moms and women with adjectives written across the bottoms
of their too tight sweat pants. Once in a while a member of the entry team will have to take out an encroaching zombie who has managed to get between
the cart and the check out line with a full body block or a tazer to the ribs.
Within 5 minutes it's all over. The big ticket bait and switch items are all gone and the team moves quickly and efficiently to the exits. The zombie
hordes are content to wonder the store muttering to themselves as they settle for buying overpriced stocking stuffers and last years game controllers
at 3% off of MSRP.
The team meets at a rented warehouse to consolidate and redistribute the newly aquired gifts and takes up a collection for Maude who has somehow lost
her favorite pre-weighted dead blow walking cane with the tactical Pachmayer grip and optional retractable stainless spike for close encounters.
When all is said and done we disperse into the growing daylight. Each has what they came for and thinks with satisfaction about the success of the
operation. Lou gets misty eyed and talks about teamwork being the most important part of any good holiday operation. He always was a bit
We take back roads and avoid main thoroughfares to avoid the fire trucks, ambulances and National guard trucks that are headed for the nearest mega
Wal-Mart where a column of smoke is beginning to drift into the blue November sky.