LADIES: official relationship advice given here.

and with what relish you point out this threads doom, thus making ME the better ...dude...

reply to post by ewokdisco


Not at all, ewok. I just think you may need to try harder to get people to participate. I was trying to help you, dude.

Originally posted by ewokdisco
and with what relish you point out this threads doom, thus making ME the better ...dude...

Are you on those guys who thinks that rhetorical application of social cue manipulation actually works on a discussion forum?

Should I use smaller words?

reply to post by ewokdisco


I have some serious questions to ask you. I don't know where to start. I feel so hurt, unloved, lonely. I have been married to this man for many years. I'm one of those 'stayed together for the sake of the children." Now my youngest is a freshman in college.

There's so much to say, like he hasn't gotten me anything for Xmas for years, though I always get him something... he begrudgingly helps me/does things I want to do (or flat out refuses) yet expects me to help him/do things he wants to do. In short, he want's me to live in his world, but rarely steps into mine (and when he does, he's critical and demeaning of the experience.)

He didn't care whether we had kids or not. Actually made me promise he'd never have to change a diaper. He never gave them a bath, fed them, said "you owe me" if he had to change a diaper, and only wanted to hold them for 'show.' As they grew, he never wanted to go on family vacations with us, refused to go to church with us... you get the idea.

Now that they're older, he goes out of his way to be "Mr. Perfect Dad" and they eat it up because all of their lives they've craved to win his love. I don't blame them when I am totally ignored in my own living room during a family discussion on world issues, movies, etc. My son, who is very sensitive to others' feelings, does attempt to rectify this occasionally. But deep down, I believe he is afraid of losing his father's love. He knows he has mine, uncondititonally. He is very affected by the tension.

If my husband is not getting enough attention from the kids when they visit, 'dad' gets grumpy and often finds a way to criticize me in front of them. The worst thing he ever did was go behind my back and tell my kids (13 and 15 at the time) that he thought I was having an affair. (He had accused me of such, which I denied and told him what damage he could do to our children if he even hinted at what he thought. He swore he wouldn't.) He lied. A week later I found something my daughter wrote that said her dad told them what he suspected. My relationship with my kids has never been the same since. They have lost respect for me for something I am completely innocent of. They tell me they didn't believe him, but their eyes and their behaviors say differently. They will do anything for him. For me?... not so much. Excuses or empty promises.

I get so angry sometimes, I want to tell them he didn't care a bit about them until they were old enough to be used as pawns against me, but I love them too much to break their hearts. So I guess to them, I will forever be full of many faults and dad simply awesome.

He does not love me. I've known that for a long time. I am not sure if I love him anymore. Anyway, he loves himself enough for the both of us. I just don't know if I can ever forgive him for 'stealing' my babies away from me. They are my heart and soul. I would die for them. I am never more lonely than when all four off us are in the living room and those bright eyed children of my heart see me not.

If this is too much to take on, it's ok. It felt good just to get it out. Thanks for listening.

P.S. I am by no means perfect. I just want to be loved by this person who vowed to do so all those years ago.

Originally posted by new_here
reply to post by ewokdisco

 

I have some serious questions to ask you. I don't know where to start. I feel so hurt, unloved, lonely. I have been married to this man for many years. I'm one of those 'stayed together for the sake of the children." Now my youngest is a freshman in college.

There's so much to say, like he hasn't gotten me anything for Xmas for years, though I always get him something... he begrudgingly helps me/does things I want to do (or flat out refuses) yet expects me to help him/do things he wants to do. In short, he want's me to live in his world, but rarely steps into mine (and when he does, he's critical and demeaning of the experience.)

He didn't care whether we had kids or not. Actually made me promise he'd never have to change a diaper. He never gave them a bath, fed them, said "you owe me" if he had to change a diaper, and only wanted to hold them for 'show.' As they grew, he never wanted to go on family vacations with us, refused to go to church with us... you get the idea.

Now that they're older, he goes out of his way to be "Mr. Perfect Dad" and they eat it up because all of their lives they've craved to win his love. I don't blame them when I am totally ignored in my own living room during a family discussion on world issues, movies, etc. My son, who is very sensitive to others' feelings, does attempt to rectify this occasionally. But deep down, I believe he is afraid of losing his father's love. He knows he has mine, uncondititonally. He is very affected by the tension.

If my husband is not getting enough attention from the kids when they visit, 'dad' gets grumpy and often finds a way to criticize me in front of them. The worst thing he ever did was go behind my back and tell my kids (13 and 15 at the time) that he thought I was having an affair. (He had accused me of such, which I denied and told him what damage he could do to our children if he even hinted at what he thought. He swore he wouldn't.) He lied. A week later I found something my daughter wrote that said her dad told them what he suspected. My relationship with my kids has never been the same since. They have lost respect for me for something I am completely innocent of. They tell me they didn't believe him, but their eyes and their behaviors say differently. They will do anything for him. For me?... not so much. Excuses or empty promises.

I get so angry sometimes, I want to tell them he didn't care a bit about them until they were old enough to be used as pawns against me, but I love them too much to break their hearts. So I guess to them, I will forever be full of many faults and dad simply awesome.

He does not love me. I've known that for a long time. I am not sure if I love him anymore. Anyway, he loves himself enough for the both of us. I just don't know if I can ever forgive him for 'stealing' my babies away from me. They are my heart and soul. I would die for them. I am never more lonely than when all four off us are in the living room and those bright eyed children of my heart see me not.

If this is too much to take on, it's ok. It felt good just to get it out. Thanks for listening.

P.S. I am by no means perfect. I just want to be loved by this person who vowed to do so all those years ago.

edit on 11/28/2010 by new_here because: left out a word

Though this is not my thread and I hope the OP doesn't mind, I would like to say some things. One, your children whether older or not, know where the love came from, there is no worries there. Where your husband is concerned, and this is IMHO, needed to be left long ago. But because you stayed there are things that may need to be straightened out. You have to be the one to stand your ground.

I too was a slave to the world of others, and didn't want to rock the boat. I was lonely, unappreciated, and ignored for many years. I forgave and was never forgiven. I was the cook, mother, friend, etc,. I know now that this was a fault of my environment and not me personally.

Its ok to do things "for the children", but there is a time for you. I do not know your particular situation and cannot speak as such, but our love, honesty, and companionship is something that can be taken advantage of. Sometimes when you see how much you gave, you tend to think that you are no longer wanted... that is a lie! You cannot be further from the truth on that subject.

We are not a dime a dozen, our love is preferred and looked for. Our radars are now smudged. We can get that back. So, please U2U me if needed, and dont think that you are the only one. There are people out there that are going though it. Your not alone.

Peace, NRE.

OFFICIAL REPLY

sounds like you need to pepper up your love life. perhaps a cuban house boy named Pablo might help? either that or some honest communication with your husband,where ever they might take you.

Originally posted by ewokdisco
OFFICIAL REPLY

sounds like you need to pepper up your love life. perhaps a cuban house boy named Pablo might help? either that or some honest communication with your husband,where ever they might take you.

Thanks. Tried the 'honest communication' many times, only to find that it falls on deaf ears. Seems we both see the same train wreck, and come away with two separate eye-witness accounts. My take on ANYTHING that is not in line with his line of thinking, or a novel thought he did not come upon first, is a threat to his sense of self/inner child/ego... I guess. Yesterday I mentioned I had read several articles online that I found intriguing and wanted to share and discuss a particular statement-- that geocentricity was never actually disproven, but rather heliocentricity had been adopted instead. The articles said no one can actually disprove that the Earth is stationary and the Universe moving about it. According to Einstein, it's all a matter of perspective, and neither scenario is false, both are in fact true, according to his general theory of relativity. The response I got was a verbal slap in the face... "That's rediculous. You're just a school teacher. I know about these things." Then this morning, I heard him tell his mother on the phone he was reading about Einstein's theory of relativity... ?

'Pablo' has tempted me many times. Funny to think, if I did act on that, it would be like time moving backwards. I got blamed, then I did it!

Sorry if I sound like a whiner, but... you asked!

reply to post by NoRegretsEver


Although I did U2U you, I did want to publicly say "Thank you" for your inspirational words. I did get the sense of 'not alone-ness' and warmth and caring. Thanks!

If this is too much to take on, it's ok. It felt good just to get it out. Thanks for listening.

Wow, that's a lot to shoulder....

It sounds like the kids are now grown. Is there any reason to still stay with this man? He's obviously a controller. It may be difficult, but my advice is to have a heart to heart with the kids, and away from Dad...and explain what you've been going through. Don't they find his lack of attention to you careless? (no presents at X-mas, obvious dislike for anything you want to do, etc.).... I'll bet they aren't quite as clueless as you imagine.

With the air cleared with the kids, may then be time to assess what more you want out of life, and then go seek it, free of his influence and control. Love requires a two-way street, and it sounds like yours has been one-way for so long, that you don't recall how to do a U-Turn and go the other way. Here's to hoping you find your way.

new here, please rate your looks out of 10. be honest.

reply to post by ewokdisco


Does it really matter? I've known 10's that have put up with controlling men, just as well as 4's who've done so... Granted, the higher end of the scale sees less cases, but it is by no means formulaic.... Even "lookers" get trapped.