Realizing What Love IS, and then...

Realizing you never had it. That seems to be the dilemma that I find myself in these days. Though I dont necessarily think that I have to LOVE someone or the other way around, but realizing that I am in my mid 30's, finally finding myself, and then realizing that I have never truly loved someone.

Now that I know who I am, what I stand for, have a family, own my own home, and pride myself on being somewhat enlightened, I feel that I have much to give, but now with all of this, I cant seem to find someone for me. I dont think that I am a complicated person, but I do feel that my standards for another are higher, as my reciprocation is as well. I understand give and take, I understand compassion, as well as communication. These of course were things that I did not have in the past.

I do feel as if my research over the years has prevented me from just getting into any relationship, or just to have someone around. I feel I would rather be by myself, then have someone around that has nothing to offer. And of course I mean mentally, and compatible wise, as I do not need any other form of companionship. Strong women, seem to have it tougher these days.

I cant see myself going on an online dating site, and ravaging through tons of guys through a pic, or cliche thoughts, like I like to walk on the beach or something. I know people that have been alone so long, that they cant seem to see themselves with anyone as they have their own way, and cant seem to compromise. These feelings have been plaguing me for a while now, as I see days go by, I feel that I am afraid that I might end up that way.

Though I feel silly writing this on even BTS, I feel as if this is a place that people like me can be found or have had similar experiences.
So, if there is any advice it would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Peace, NRE.

I guess I find myself wondering what you feel you might have to offer a potential mate in a caring/sharing relationship.

love should always be defined as "if you love something, you would gladly give up your life so that it may live on"/ most people try to find one individual who causes this feeling in them, but it differs from person to person. personally, being mildly autistic and socially awkward have landed me in the same boat as you, but yet i have loved for the past ten years. i love no individual, but every individual. i would rather save someones life by sacrificing mine than simply watch. it doesnt matter how much i dont like the person, it doesnt matter rather i know them or not. i love all people equally, and even given the chance to save hitler ( a man i despise ) i would, just because the fact that every life can have extremely far-reaching results on other's lives. maybe you save a man that acts the same way as mr scrooge. in the eyes of most, they wouldv'e rather seen him perish, but that sacrifice could change his way of thinking entirely. sometimes people just need an example, a second chance. maybe loving one person is too selfish and life has been trying to tell people that for centuries. maybe you can take something from this, or maybe you think far too differently. either way. i love you, and would even if nobody else would, and always will. good luck m'lady

I can only answer with my interpretation of what I am reading, so I'll start with your comment of not needing companionship, yet you are writing this, while I think everyone needs it, let's assume you do not, but you want it. You coupled that statement with stating you are a strong woman...so be it, nothing wrong with that. We (guys), know you can open your own door, pay for your own drink, kill the spider (honestly...I'd rather let you take care of that one anyway )...I would just say drop the gaurd that is the strong woman and let yourself enjoy.

On the dating site thing...I'm married, haven't done it, so this is a case of do as I say, not as I do...what the heck you got to lose...you might meet "Mr. Right", you might make some great friends, and heck, you might have a little fun in the process!

Just my 2 cents, and again based on how I read it...good luck out there!

Originally posted by MMPI2
I guess I find myself wondering what you feel you might have to offer a potential mate in a caring/sharing relationship.

This may sound weird but what I have to offer is based on what is on the table. There are some out there that look to take advantage of someone who has, "too much " to offer. Its a process and one that I have learned you have to do together. I cannot love someone, and them not love me "yet", as I sit and wait.

So based on what "we" have, thats what I would offer. But what I would say is, that I am self sufficient, open minded, non judgmental, as give as I receive. I love to live life, as opposed to watching others live it. Research is very important to me, as well as doing something about what I can, based on what I learn.

Peace, NRE.

Originally posted by hypocrites
love should always be defined as "if you love something, you would gladly give up your life so that it may live on"/ most people try to find one individual who causes this feeling in them, but it differs from person to person. personally, being mildly autistic and socially awkward have landed me in the same boat as you, but yet i have loved for the past ten years. i love no individual, but every individual. i would rather save someones life by sacrificing mine than simply watch. it doesnt matter how much i dont like the person, it doesnt matter rather i know them or not. i love all people equally, and even given the chance to save hitler ( a man i despise ) i would, just because the fact that every life can have extremely far-reaching results on other's lives. maybe you save a man that acts the same way as mr scrooge. in the eyes of most, they wouldv'e rather seen him perish, but that sacrifice could change his way of thinking entirely. sometimes people just need an example, a second chance. maybe loving one person is too selfish and life has been trying to tell people that for centuries. maybe you can take something from this, or maybe you think far too differently. either way. i love you, and would even if nobody else would, and always will. good luck m'lady

That was the sweetest thing I have read here on ATS... EVER! There aren't many people out there that think that way, and I am not ashamed to say, that I didn't always think that way either. I didn't know what love was, I also thought it consisted of being a doormat, or waiting for someone to change, or learning to just "deal with it". Now that I am older and wiser, though I am sure I dont know it all, but I am willing to take that step, with someone. Instead of being 10 steps ahead, and then wait it out, till I couldn't take it anymore.

I want to thank you for your response, and it does say alot about a person, when their heart is open that way. It is much appreciated. And good luck to you too, my friend.

Peace, NRE.

Originally posted by BigFrigginAl
I can only answer with my interpretation of what I am reading, so I'll start with your comment of not needing companionship, yet you are writing this, while I think everyone needs it, let's assume you do not, but you want it. You coupled that statement with stating you are a strong woman...so be it, nothing wrong with that. We (guys), know you can open your own door, pay for your own drink, kill the spider (honestly...I'd rather let you take care of that one anyway

)...I would just say drop the gaurd that is the strong woman and let yourself enjoy.

On the dating site thing...I'm married, haven't done it, so this is a case of do as I say, not as I do...what the heck you got to lose...you might meet "Mr. Right", you might make some great friends, and heck, you might have a little fun in the process!

Just my 2 cents, and again based on how I read it...good luck out there!

Thank you for that, better said, I dont need it.. but want it. Thanks for the response, I also think that I should probably let myself have some fun for a while. Ive been out of the loop, by choice for over 2 years now.

BTW, I dont kill spiders, I catch and release , except the big ones!

Thanks for the kind words.

Peace, NRE.

Never loved anyone, or have never been in love with anyone???

They are different you know...

This might sound weird coming from the guy with the scary avatar, but there are many form of love. And I'd be a bit surprised if you have never loved anyone in any way ever. I've never been in love, but I can confidently say that there are many people that I do love.

Originally posted by nick_napalm
Never loved anyone, or have never been in love with anyone???

They are different you know...

This might sound weird coming from the guy with the scary avatar, but there are many form of love. And I'd be a bit surprised if you have never loved anyone in any way ever. I've never been in love, but I can confidently say that there are many people that I do love.

Never been "IN" love. Of course we have all loved someone. I guess I always thought that I was at least in love once, or maybe even twice, but I guess when you finally get to know yourself, and see what certain things mean to you, you can realize that your state of knowing was in fact a state of confusion, or your still getting to know what you really want, and what is expected from you, to actually say that you are "in" love with someone.

BTW, thanks for helping me see that I didn't make that clear... its kind of important

Peace, NRE.

There is not anything that we can say here that will make you decide if you go through life alone or with someone by your side.

Only your heart knows for sure.

I went through life alone and fairly sure I would never find someone.

I was 30 when I met her.

We had 22 years of life together and she gave me 2 beautiful girls who have become gorgeous women.

She died 2 years ago and I miss her everyday.

It is better to love and lose it than to never have loved at all.

This was her favorite song.

There is someone looking for you.

Go find them.

Originally posted by Oneolddude
There is not anything that we can say here that will make you decide if you go through life alone or with someone by your side.

Only your heart knows for sure.

I went through life alone and fairly sure I would never find someone.

I was 30 when I met her.

We had 22 years of life together and she gave me 2 beautiful girls who have become gorgeous women.

She died 2 years ago and I miss her everyday.

It is better to love and lose it than to never have loved at all.

This was her favorite song.

There is someone looking for you.

Go find them.

That was very beautiful, and thank you for sharing the song. I hope to one day find what you have found, and though you may have lost her physically, I am sure that she can never be taken from your heart or your mind, and your two beautiful children I am sure are a reminder of the love that you had, and the hope that they too will find the same love.

I hope you dont mind me saying that, it is from my heart.

Peace, and Love. NRE.

reply to post by NoRegretsEver


You have to see things like Internet date sites, etc. as tools for meeting people, that's it. Don't expect some computer program to find THE ONE...and don't go looking for THE ONE. This idea, or even other avenues for meeting people are to do just that....meet more people, improve the odds, cast a bigger net.

Meet POSSIBILITIES, and then let things happen, and once you're actually WITH someone, then you can take the proper time to deduce if they are THE ONE...

People get so caught up in finding their soulmate right out of the gate, instead of just being a bit more laid back, meeting people, and just having fun companionship. After you get to know someone better, you can then make more informed decisions on just how involved to be...