I think it's alllll circumstantial. First of all, a lot of infidelity begins with finding some easy alternative in a sleazy chat room. It happens a
lot. Let's say you are in a long term relationship and you begin to suspect your spouse is cheating but he is still being nice and treating you with
respect but something is missing from the relationship and you feel he might be spending too much time online and seems to stop what he's doing when
you walk into the room. perhaps he has wondered into some porn links and his curiosity has got the best of him but he's too embarrassed to admit it
(no big deal in my opinion although it would be much better if he just freely admitted what he was doing... because men who hide a porn ADDICTION,
yuck... nothing worse than imagining the person you want to have deep respect for have such an uncontrollable libido that they can't stop wanking it
to sleezy ass women on the internet AND try to hide it) Hell, I have looked at porn and can't say it was really a turn on... I was just curious as to
what the people looked like but after a little while I'm like "I've got way more important things to do than this" It's one thing to be curious and
want to learn something even though I feel experience is the best way to learn about sex, but to be addicted to getting off on it is something I tend
to wonder about... and some people spend A LOT of time looking at porn for that reason. I find it very bizarre.
...but anyway, back to what i was talking about...let's say you want very much to trust the other but aren't quite sure if you should and are in a
long term seemingly committed relationship where you know you are loved but feel the other might be interested in some strange. I know a lot of people
this has happened to and not knowing seems excruciating. what are you supposed to do? Wait until that person gives you herpes because they did
something stupid? Do you have any idea how common cheating is? Everyone wants to believe their relationship is golden... but look at how many end
because of cheating... and STDs....OFF THE CHARTS! It's ridiculous... so if are doubting or suspecting something but have no proof to back it up and
are not completely certain you can trust... so do you just break off the relationship right then?...OF COURSE NOT!... you investigate.
I don't like people #ing with my #... but it's not always over jealousy. For example, my recent ex used to stand behind my chair and talk to me when I
had it positioned a certain way. It drove me nuts! I don't understand why he wouldn't stand NEXT to the chair and look at me while he was talking to
me instead of standing in the dead center of the back of my head. I don't know what it is but that area... that's a bad place to be standing for me.
just imagine it... it's like your brain wants go in to different directions at once because of the person talking at the back of your head... pick a
freaking side for christ's sake! I kept telling him and kept telling him and kept telling him... but you know how some people are, no matter how many
times it's said, they never seem to remember... So I was left to assume that he was trying to investigate what i was doing online so I asked him! just
spit it out!... of course he immediately denied and started going into all this about he did not care what i did online and he ALWAYS said that but i
know he had his own private doubts, especially toward the end. i WAS spending a lot of time online. I WAS doubting the longevity of our relationship
but I won't bog this down further with all the reasons why. I thought he may be able to reel it back in because he was a very sweet person, but he did
not and i guess i just needed more of something he didn't know how to offer. I asked him on many occasions if he wanted to know what i was doing and
he always denied but he would look for ways to try to casually investigate without making me feel violated and it drove me crazy because i was picking
up on it. i mean hell, if you're curious about what I'm doing... SAY SO, do not come in talking about some off the wall stuff that you ought to know
that i could give a flying flip about or something so completely stupid on TV that you think is funny when I can hear the damn TV from where I'm
sitting, just because YOU don't want to take the time to dig into my real interests and feel the need to talk to me about the first thing you can
think of for no reason other than to investigate and when i get aggravated, you assume I don't want to talk at all. WELL PERFECT!
Of all the times
i have tried to open dialogue... for good or bad, it doesn't matter. let the truth be known.
Not to mention the fact that since I have asked if you were trying to find something out, i probably look like I'm trying really hard to hide things
because your intuition is young and undeveloped. Fine. ... although towards the end i will admit I was spending a lot of time online and knew my
interest was clearly jumping the tracks. That's how relationship die sometimes... but the whole time he said he trusted me. there was only one remark
at the end that confirmed that all along he probably did not but he just couldn't express himself.
and how are you supposed to just blindly trust people anyway? trust with your body? your health? come on... you can't COMPLETELY throw caution to the
what pisses me off for example is when someone is so adamant that they are not snooping and are not jealous and in fact ARE but don't want to confide
their emotions to me because they think I'm not worth knowing that they are jealous of me I guess.
... Oh no, Don't give her the big head, no!...
Can't do that, can't empower her to crush your ego, then she will know how to get the best of you... gee whiz.
... then they do # to my computer to
track what i'm doing that completely interferes with my web browsing. GRRR!... Now THAT kinna # pisses me off. Don't waste people's time, don't break
their stuff, don't cost them money, don't ruin their day, don't interfere with their work with accusations.... and if you don't yet know... Keep the
insults until to yourself until you are CERTAIN they have done something wrong.
...but jealousy? How can you not be jealous over someone you want to spend that much time with? If you spend that much time with someone because you
want to and you don't begin to feel a little possessive, well... you must be really different than me. I guess some people feel they are just two
flowers in a garden full of all sorts of other flowers and it's all the same and there is no wrong and there is no ownership and everyone is free to
do as they choose... and this is actually true. You should be free to do what you want, but if what you choose is a certain thing... and it's really
what you want, I mean really really really what you want and you don't feel possessive and you would get mad and let it be a deal breaker if they ever
had a moment where they doubted you and perhaps it wasn't even because of something you did.. perhaps it was something unfortunate that confused them.
i don't see how that is really wanting something.
I have had guys be jealous of me... and then seen them go about it all the wrong way. Or maybe it was just them i didn't really like that much and
when they confronted me, I could not see past their anger into the hurt. something about them made it easy to not care. I have been jealous, really
jealous and had to figure out how to deal with it gracefully... and then I have been put in positions where I should have been jealous and was not and
was able to just let it go and perhaps that was best. Perhaps that was just not where I belonged, but I totally understand jealousy and although I
don't think it should always be a factor or have a place, there seems like there would be times, especially when learning about another and getting
used to them (which in my opinion can actually take years) that jealousy is part of the process. If it was missing it would seem strange to me. It all
depends on how it's executed. I guess i tend to think my approach is best of course (at least for me) and that is the honest approach without anger
and accusations and if laying that vulnerable part of you on the table makes you think "this could be used against me" ...when that happens, you will
know that in one way or another that person is a user... if not of your body, then of your emotions. Sometimes a weakness can be a strength in another
way. i think a lot of people want to act as though they are not jealous at all because rumor has it that people don't like others being jealous of
them. now, is that always true. If you went out and did something and your partner did not care at all, that wouldn't make you feel like you could be
just easily forgotten? I would have to walk away in doubt... and if they did get jealous and YOU don't care, then maybe that is not all you don't care
I think it all has more to do with the specific relationship that it does being jealous because these scenarios can be twisted and contorted all kinds
of ways!... there is never black and white. It's all in the details and you can't just put a generic label on everything because you do, you set
yourself up for misunderstanding. things like this may have appeared make relationships end, but consider what's outside the box and that those
relationships might have been headed straight for the gutter anyway.
edit on 19-11-2010 by ChaosMagician because: (no reason
edit on 19-11-2010 by ChaosMagician because: (no reason given)