ATS Unleashed: Joke of the Week!

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posted on Aug, 16 2013 @ 06:25 PM
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A bear walks into a bar and says "can i have a rum and.....................................................coke please?"
Barman says, "why the big pause?"
Bear says, "cos i'm a bear."

 

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Steam it til it's bill withers.




posted on Aug, 21 2013 @ 08:40 PM
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An Englishman, an American and a Canadian get stuck in an elevator at the airport.

They sit on the floor and chat while waiting for help to arrive.

Once outside, they say goodbye and get on with their lives.



posted on Aug, 25 2013 @ 02:32 PM
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reply to post by Subnatural
 




ooooh gurl!

serving some comedic realness!

the more i read it the funnier it gets, at first glance i didn't comprehend the undertones, as i read it over again i was giggling, and by the third time i was serving some crossed legged bathroom dance realness!

honestly, did you create that on your own or did you hear that somewhere? i believe you could base an entire 10-15 minute set centered around that joke, you could expand and improvise depending on the reactions and the audience

i am literally laughing so hard i type thinking about the potential


gurl honestly, serve it and werk it!



posted on Aug, 29 2013 @ 07:29 AM
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reply to post by Darth_Prime
 


Thanks! I did come up with it myself, but to be honest I was heavily inspired by other stuff I read online. Its called anti-humor, I think. Not funny, but still funny. Just like an anti-hero is still a hero.

Reddit has some good ones. Not as good as mine, though



posted on Sep, 4 2013 @ 10:46 AM
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Stanley, an 85-year-old man, goes to the doctor´s office for his annual checkup.

Doctor: “Well Stanley, looks like you are in great shape. All your vital signs look great - heart rate, blood pressure, etc. But tell me something about your daily habits, for instance, do you go to the bathroom regularly?”

Stanley: “Oh, that´s all working fine, just like clockwork! Every morning, precisely at 5:45, I take a pee. Every morning, precisely at 5:50, I take a poo. And every morning, precisely at 6:00, … I wake up!”



posted on Sep, 10 2013 @ 09:07 AM
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[snip]
edit on 18-9-2013 by elevatedone because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 10 2013 @ 09:18 AM
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Here are the latest football results....

Aston Villa 1 Liverpool 0

Manchester United 3 Manchester City 1

Real Madrid 1 Surreal Madrid, FISH



posted on Sep, 10 2013 @ 01:36 PM
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why are pirates called pirates?


because they ARGH
edit on 10/9/2013 by maryhinge because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 10 2013 @ 01:51 PM
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a teacher asks john to say a sentence with the word fascinate in it .

so john gets up and says i have a coat with nine buttons but i can only fasten eight.



posted on Sep, 18 2013 @ 01:25 PM
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off-topic post removed to prevent thread-drift


 



posted on Oct, 3 2013 @ 07:59 AM
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Bono of the rock group U2 was recently performing a concert in Ireland, at mid show he stopped the music & asked the audience to be completely silent. When he achieved the silence, he clapped his hands once, a pause then another clap, then he tells the crowd" Everytime I clap my hands and child in Africa dies" A very male Irish voice in the front row shouted" Then stop clapping you evil bastard!!



posted on Oct, 3 2013 @ 08:38 AM
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A 5th grade teacher asks if anyone knew who Lewis and Clark were?

I raised my hand and said "Superman and his girl friend."



posted on Oct, 12 2013 @ 06:21 AM
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A Liverpudlian walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing’. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bull#ting me!' The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'



posted on Oct, 20 2013 @ 11:38 AM
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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and asks the bartender for a drink.
Bartender says, "Sorry sir, we dont serve beer to bears in bars, in Billings Montana."
Bear says, "I will eat the woman at the end of the bar if you dont serve me!"
Bartender says, "Do what you gotta do sir, but we cant serve you."
Bear eats the woman and goes back to the bartender "How about now, wanna serve me?"
Bartender says, "Sorry sir, we dont serve beer to bears in bars on drugs in Billings Montana."
Bear replies, "Huh? What do you mean, on drugs?"
Bartender says "Sir, that was a barbituate"

Bit of a play on words, and not sure if this one's been posted before but I've always liked it!



posted on Oct, 23 2013 @ 04:35 AM
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Two guys walk into a bar

The third guy ducks



posted on Oct, 23 2013 @ 05:23 AM
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A girl walks into a bar holding a duck. The bartender asks, "where did you get the pig"? The girl replies, "its not a pig its a duck stupid". To which the bartender replies, "I was talking to the duck".

A guy walks into a bar with a giant frog on his head. The bartender says "where the heck did you get that"? The frog says, "it started out as a wart on my a$$.



posted on Oct, 23 2013 @ 08:23 AM
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Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?

Because it's a little meteor............


A neutron walks into a bar and says to the bartender "how much for a beer?" The bartender looks back at him and says...."for you, no charge".....


What do you call a fish with no eye?

A fsh.......


Why wouldn't the shrimp share his stuff?

Because he's a little shellfish........


And on that note, i will get my coat....



posted on Oct, 23 2013 @ 09:04 AM
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what was the elephant doing on the freeway?

about 55



posted on Oct, 27 2013 @ 01:13 PM
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reply to post by Thadeous
 


Why did the elephant get pulled over on the highway?

Oh come on! How often do you ever see an elephant driving?



posted on Nov, 3 2013 @ 11:29 PM
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The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar at the same time. The bartender says
"It's getting really tense in here."


I gave my neighbor Ruth a ride on my motorcycle. I hit a really bad bump and then rode on ruthlessly.


A redheaded man walks into a bar and sits next to another redheaded man. He orders a Guinness, and the 2nd redheaded man turns to him. "I'm guessing from that accent you're from Dublin?" he asks, in an Irish brogue. "Of course!" the 1st guy exclaims, "here, bartender, get this guy a Guinness, too." Their exchange continues:
1st: Lemme ask you, what street did you grow up on?
2nd: St. Catherine Street. And you?
1st: St. Catherine Street, same as you!
2nd: Here, bartender, get this guy a Jameson! What school did you go to?
1st: St. Jospeh's Boy's Academy.
2nd: Son of a bitch, I went to St. Joe's too! Bartender, get this guy a Jameson!

This continues, and as they find they had the same teachers and knew the same neighborhood kids, they proceed to get louder and drunker until a guy at the other end of the bar asks the bartender, "What's up with those two?" The bartender shrugs and says, "It's the O'Shaughnessy twins, they're drunk again."





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