ATS Unleashed: Joke of the Week!

reply to post by homerJ


Old man sitting on the front porch as a teenage boy walks by with a bag of kitty litter. "Hey, boy," says the old man, "What are you going to do with that bag of kitty litter?'

The boy says, "I'm off to catch some cat fish."

The old man laughs at the stupid boy, but is amazed when an hour later the boy walks by with a bunch of cat fish.

Next day, the boy walks by while carrying chicken wire. "Hey, boy," inquires the old man, "What are you going to do with that chicken wire?"

The boy says, "I'm off to catch some chickens."

The old man laughs at the stupid boy, but is amazed when an hour later the boy walks by with five chickens.

[snip]

Just seen this on my mate's Facebook page:

I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine. Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

"Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

Originally posted by luxbaclos1
Just seen this on my mate's Facebook page:

I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine. Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

LOLOLOL! I was in splinters after reading this!

Originally posted by luxbaclos1
Just seen this on my mate's Facebook page:

I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine. Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

Tit would be a great way to carve out a living!

Originally posted by luxbaclos1
Just seen this on my mate's Facebook page:

I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine. Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

did he use naughty pine?

Originally posted by luxbaclos1
Just seen this on my mate's Facebook page:

I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine. Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

would that be like wood for wood?

"The face of a child says it all....especially the mouth part of the face."

The funny thing about Political Jokes is they get Elected.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won’t do as she’s told!

A man goes to several agents before finding one who will listen to his "talking dog" act. However, the agent warns him that the act had better be good or he will be unceremoniously tossed out on his rear end. So the guy, feeling that his act really is good proceeds to present it. First he asks his dog "Fido, what's on top of a house" to which the dog answers "roof roof". He then asks the dog "Fido, how is sandpaper" to which the dog answers "ruff ruff". Next he asks the dog "Fido, who was the greatest New York Yankee of all time" to which the dog answers "Ruth Ruth". Having had enough of this rather lame act the agent proceeds to keep his promise to toss them out. After picking themselves up off the curb and dusting themselves off the dog looks up at his master and says with a definite sneer in his voice "who should I have said DIMAGGIO"?

A huge fat women is standing in the queue at the supermarket, when her phone begins to bleep, A little boy
standing behind shouts " Oh! Hell its reversing ".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex Study...
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
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Fresh from her shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breast
to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper, stand in
front of the mirror, and start rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years, "my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again. Stupid Stupid man.

The Government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a Condom because it reflects the governments political stance.
A condom allows for inflation,halts production,destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

I told my wife that I'd got a job which involved me having sex on stage. she looked at me and said. "You're having me on aren't you !" I said "Well, I'll ask for you but so far, they've all been young and pretty "

How do you make four old ladies say *SNIP*

Yell Bingo.

Mod Edit: Profanity/Circumvention Of Censors – Please Review This Link.

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the taff
'Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English idiot.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Taff: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Taff: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Taff: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Taff: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Taff: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Taff: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar..'

The teacher asked the class to tell a story and explain the moral of it.

little Mary says "My mom's chicken was laying on 10 eggs and she built individual coops to hold them. Than when they hatched and only 9 chicks were born. The moral of the story is to not count your chickens before they hatch'.

Teacher says "great, anyone else?"

Tommy says "My dad always looked over the fence to our neighbors lawn and it always looked better than ours. He convinced the neighbor to trade homes and after we moved in dad went to the fence again, only now our old lawn looked better than our new one. The moral of the story is the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence".

Teacher says "that's an interesting story tommy, how about another class?"

Billy pipes up and says " My uncle Buck was an Airborne Ranger in Vietnam and he was being flown to a drop sight on one of his missions. Well the plane was hit by enemy fire and uncle buck only had time to grab his gun and a case of beer went he jumped out right before the plane exploded. He drank the case of beer while parachuting because, you know, why not? well he landing right in the middle of 25 enemy combatants. He killed 8 of them with his gun, 4 of them with the knife he had on him before it got knocked out of his hand, than he killed the rest of them with his bare hands".

Teacher says "oook so what is the moral of the story?"

"Don't mess with my uncle buck when he's drunk"

Has anyone heard about the new pistol by Colt? It is called the 'Legislator'. When you attempt to use it, it does not work and can't be fired!

An old lady with 3 sons in law,decided to test,if the cared about her.

So she takes one of them and go to the beach.After a while she pretends that she's drowning and her son in law runs and saves her.
The next day he found outside his house a Mercedes with a note:"Thank you for saving me.-Your mother in law"

The next week she takes the second son in law to the beach and again she pretends that she's drowning.The man runs and saves her.And again the next day he finds the Mercedes outside his house with the same note:"Thank you for saving me.-Your mother in law"

The next week she takes the third son in law in the beach and again pretends that she's drowning.But the third guy doesn't pay attention and the woman dies.
The next day after the funeral he finds ouside his house,a Mercedes,a Ferrari and a Porsche with a note:"Thank you for saving me-Your father in law"

I'd hate to be a dragon.

I'd get so angry trying to blow out my birthday candles.
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I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, took a deep breath and said: "Don't forget. You're a tiger. You're a tiger. You're a tiger."

Then I mauled my daughter, pissed on the sofa and left the house to hunt antelope.
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My schizophrenia's got so bad, I've started following myself on Twitter.
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Holographic drums.

You can't beat them.
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My wifes let herself go recently.

That's schizophrenic kidnappers for you.
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