ATS Unleashed: Joke of the Week!

what gets wetter as it dries?

a towel

reply to post by HomerinNC


An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

Originally posted by creatureme
reply to post by HomerinNC

 

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

Cheers for that, I like that.....haha

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.............

I thought I'd add one that perhaps is timely.

The problem with money is that it is tainted.

It taint yours and it taint mine.

This couple had been dating for about six months but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny thin member. Finally one night he gets up his courage and takes her to a dark secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing he opens his zip and guides her hand to his erection "no thanks" says the girl "you know I don't smoke!"

Why do Canadian couples do it doggy style in front of the TV. So they both can watch the hockey game.

Some Chuck Norris facts:

-When Alexander Bell inveted the telephone he had 3 missed calles from Chuck Norris
-Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
-Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
-Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
-Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afriad to move.
-Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
-Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
-Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
-Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
-Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience
-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris once roudhoused kicked Hulk in the face. Now he hides in the forest and changed his name to Shrek
-When Chuck Norris was asked if he believed that the world was going to end in 2012 he resonded: "Depends how I'm feeling that day."
-There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Adam and Eve - newly formed and in the Garden of Eden.

Suddenly Adam sees his member grow...

He shouts - Stand back Eve I don't know how big this thing is gonna get!!


or

Look I know I may not be a virgin anymore...
But I still got the box it come in!!

Well what am I gonna do with my virginity anyway?
Keep it - put it in a potplant- hope it takes root by itself!


Hope these are okay.

Much Peace...

I've had many husbands - some of them have been my own!

My shortest marriage.

It was our wedding night and I have married a man called one hung low.
It was his name not a physical affliction - I can assure you!

He's stroking my hair.
Oh you have such beeootifool hair - just like silk - finest quality silk.

He's undressing me and stroking my skin.
Oh you have such beeootifool skin - just like alabasterrrrr.

I'm naked and he's about to make love to me and he touches my pubic hair.
Oh you have hair - just like bum of monkey!!!!

Needless to say - divorce was imminent.

or

Girls - men are a lot like floor tiles.
You lay them the right way - the first time...
...you can walk on them forever.


Just jokes - men are cool & groovy!
Much Peace...

Originally posted by creatureme
reply to post by HomerinNC

 

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

Lol. Love it.

Can't wait to use this.

reply to post by HomerinNC


Ya Ya I got one I got one. This is an original now, suited for ATS.

What do you call the droppings left behind by a hillbilly with diarrhea ?

Clem trails. yuc yuc !

reply to post by Korg Trinity


wanna hear a joke i just invented by reading your joke lol? :3

ok so, sorry if this is too much, i never cross the line on these forums as i have been lurking a very long time but only recently joined.... so i don't know where the line is.... but i intend to respect it as i really like hanging out here.

this is not intended to offend anyone... peace ok?

ok here goes.

You know something about circumcised people???


They do give a [snip]


ouchy!

I was working hard at the gym earlier, pumping some serious iron.

Some bloke came up to me and said, "You're gonna be very sore tomorrow, pal."

"It's alright," I laughed, "I'm used to working on my arms."

"I didn't mean your arms," he winked, "I've spiked your Lucozade..."

I went back to some birds house last night.

As I laid down on the bed I pointed to the photograph on her bedside cabinet and said, "Who's that with you in the photo?"

She said, "That's a picture of me and my sister, it was taken 2 years ago."

"Sister?" I said, "That's a bearded bloke on the right?"

She said, "That's me, my sister is on the left."

A black man, an ilegal immigrant, a muslim and a communist walk into a bar....

The bartender asks " What can I get you Mr. President?"

Originally posted by HomerinNC
Thats right folks! Post your jokes here, and one will be picked as the ATS joke of the week by studio vote.

*disclaimer: all jokes become material for the ATS Unleashed studio to pick on, make fun of and generally heckle the joke teller*

Q - Whats brown and ryhmes with Dr Dre,


A - Snoop Dogg

Food keeps going missing from our fridge and things keep getting knocked over in the house..

I think we have a portlygeist.

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

Virgin Broadband

The two main ingredients needed for a World Of Warcraft profile.