posted on Feb, 16 2011 @ 08:37 PM
An insurance adjuster was driving his Lexus through the backwoods of Arkansas to assist a tornado victim. He comes upon a puddle in the dirt road and
stops. He steps out and analyzes the situation, knowing that a good rain had been brought through by the passing storm. As he attempts to judge the
depth of the puddle, an old man working his cattle walks down to his fence and tells the adjuster that it's safe to drive through as the water was no
more than a few inches deep. Believing the native to know his own area, he jumps back in the Lexus, and proceeds to sink it in the middle of the
puddle. The adjuster swims out, sputtering and angry, sloshes over to the farmer and demands an explanation. "I could have sworn it was only a few
inches deep, I saw a duck walk right across it not twenty minutes ago!"
A farmer was out tending his crops when *WHOOSH*... an alien ship thumps to a landing a few feet away. Astonished, he watched as a door open, stairs
descended and the notorious Grey confidently walked up to him.
"This your farm?" asked the Gray.
"Those your cattle?"
"I'll give you a million dollars for all of them." The farmer made some quick mental calucalations and found this to be a very profitable deal.
He agreed, the two shook hands and the Gray dissappeared into it's ship for several minute to re-emerge with two suitcases. One he sat before the
farmer, clicked it open to reveal the stacks of hundred dollar bills. The farmer nodded in approval and the Gray snicked the suitcase shut, set the
other suitcase down and carefully opened the lid. A tiny little raging bull flew up and out of the suitcase and at the speed of thought ran to and
fro across the farmers land gobbling up all of the bulls. When it had fnished it plowed back into the suitcase and without a word, the Alien picked
it up, boarded his ship and zoomed off.
A week later, the same scenario. The Gray was interested in chickens. A million dollars, a little suitcase with a tiny rooster which ate all of the
A week later, the Gray did the same with the farmer's goats. As the Gray was about to board his ship, the farmer frantically waved him down. "Say,
you wouldn't happen to have a little suitcase with a politician in it would you?"
"Hello, 911 what is your emergency?"
"My friend and I were out hunting and my gun went off. I think I killed him, what do I do?"
"First we need to make sure he's dead."
*BLAM* "Okay, now what?"
Not sure if this one is acceptable, but I'm going to risk it.
A man walks into a bar and orders five shots of the good stuff. Bartender delivers and observes that something is wrong with the man. "Today, I
found out my oldest son is gay." To which the bartender expresses his concern and discounts the liquor. Two days later, the same scenario. Again,
the Bartender inquires as to the depressive occassion to which the man explains that he found out his youngest son is gay as well. Again, he recieves
a discount. A week later, the guy walks in, reaches behind the counter, snatches a bottle of Vodka and turns it straight up. Exasperated, the
bartender asks "Good grief, man, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife."
A guy breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He pops the hood of his car, and smoke billows out as he raises it. In dismay, he can only stare.
"It's the carburator." The fellow jumps, startled, knowing there had been no one for miles where he broke down. He looks around only to find a
horse leaned up against a tree staring at him.
"Did you just talk?" THe guy asks the horse.
"Yeah. I'm telling you, it's the carburator."
The guy freaks out and takes off running down the road at full speed. As he rounds a bend, he see an old ice house and cuts a line straight the bar.
"Whiskey!" he demands, "straight up!"
The bartender delivers the shots to the red-faced man. "Everything alright?"
"My car broke down and this horse just started talking to me!"
"Don't pay attention to that horse, it don't know jack about cars...."
In the spirit of equality, I offer you blonde joke balanced by two brunette jokes.
1. Two blondes are walking down a train track into the sunset. One looks at the other and says "These darn stairs will NEVER END!" ... The other
looks over and says "Yeah, and these low banisters are KILLING my back."
1. Why are there so many blonde jokes? Brunettes gotta have something to do on Friday and Saturday nights.
2. What's black and blue and brown? A brunette that told one too many blonde jokes.
I have more, but they aren't appropriate on the forums
A reporter seeks out a legendary Native American who is said to possess perfect memory. After weeks of searching he finds the man sitting at a
campfire beside a tee-pee. The reporter walks up, raises his hand and greets the Indian with a formal "How." The Indian nods to the spot across
the fire. Settling in, the reporter proceeds to question the Indian. At the end of the interrogation, the Indian has gotten every question right.
As he was leaving the man spins around and fires: "Who won against the Oilers in the 1993 NFL Playoffs on January 3?" TO which the Indian
responded immediately with "The Buffalo Bills." The reporter, shaking his head, walks away.
Twenty years later, his Pulitzer winning article is nearing it's anniversary. The now-successful reporter again seeks out the Indian. He walks up
to the campfire, raises his hand and greets: "How." The Indian, without hesitation, responds: "After recovering from a 32 point deficit,
Christie kicked a 32 yard field goal in overtime to win."
-====- I am the guy that tells jokes at bars and at work. Some shockingly inappropriate, some downright clean. I can tell jokes on any subject.
Challenge me and ye shall receive!