ATS Unleashed: Joke of the Week!

I just installed a skylight in my bedroom.


Boy, the people that live upstairs are really pissed!

Just because ...

LOL love this tread! very light compared to the other side, which I will soon jump into again!

The other night, after a few drinks, I arrived at home and accidently stuck my vehicle key in the doorknob.

My home started up. So I took it out for a spin.

I got pulled over by a police officer, he asked me where I lived.

I answered: "Right here!!"

Later I parked on the interstate and hollered at the motorists for driving on my yard.

(Steven Wright)

I live on a one way, dead end street. I have no idea how I got there.....

A small anecdote:

Someone my friend knows had a pretty severe drinking problem and had gone to a lot of trouble to clean himself up. After being sober for eight months he decided to visit his mother and tell her the good news.

He stood beaming on her doorstep and, as she opened the door, proudly announced "Ma, I've been sober for 8 months"

"And?" she responded "So has the fekkin' cat"

a reply to: HomerinNC

On live radio: (true story)

A company’s was using a promotion as advertisement on radio that worked as followed;

You send them your number and if drawn, they phone you back and you must guess a specific household item they chosen for the day. You got 2 minutes, can ask as many questions as you like, and they answer only Yes or No. If you guess the correct item you won one of their products.
The answer the specific day was “Salt”, but the poor woman was struggling and getting nervous as her time was running out. The radio personality decides to give her a tip;

“Miss you put it on your husbands eggs in the mornings.”
“Oh!! Baby powder”

Hope this is "ok" three old friend meet up in a bar after many years all seeming to get upset when they start discussing their sons the first man says well im proud of my son but dissapointed he owns his own mercades dealership and is a millionaire but hes gay the second friend says my son is a great investor and is now a billionaire but hes also gay so i know how you feel when they look to the third friend hes grinning ear to ear he goes well my sons gay too but one of his boyfriends just gave him a new benz and the other gave him a billion dollars.

This is hilarious stuff peeps! I have never visited this forum before but will now be a regular!!

Here goes.....What can a bird do that a man can't?

Sing with his pecker.


I am 40 something years old and to this day that is the only joke that I can remember.

I have a dirty joke ......



There was a white horse.........it fell in the mud

Do you know the difference between an Italian Nuclear Power Plant and a russian one?

The russian NPP is typically built above the ground!

a reply to: Phantom traveller

Hahahahahaha! So funny!

a reply to: HomerinNC

Polar Bear joke.

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?"
"Of course you are." His mother replied.

The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"
"Yes, you are a real polar bear."

A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?"
"Yes" said his parents.

Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?"
"Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother.

"Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm F&%$*%& freezing!

One cold, stormy night a man heard a faint knock at his door so, grumbling a bit, he went to see who was there.

At first he couldn't see anyone but then heard a small cough near his feet. So he looked down and there, on the doorstep, was a snail.

'Excuse me, good Sir' began the snail 'it's so cold and blustery out here would you allow me to come inside? Just for a little while, to warm myself beside your fire'.

Without hesitation the man took aim, and kicked the snail as far away as he possibly could. And then he went inside to warm himself beside the fire and forgot all about the snail.

Two years later, by chance on another stormy night, he heard a knock at the door. Grumbling a bit he went to answer it.

At first he couldn't see anyone but then he heard a faint cough near his feet. Looking down he saw the snail looking up at him reproachfully.

Tearfully the snail asked 'What'd you do that for'?

Just came across this one:
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy. When asked why such a big password, she said "Well, it had to be at least 8 characters long."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender asks "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate says "It's drivin me nuts!!!"

Today someone told me my actions would have grim repercussions. I thought 'aren't they what Death sits on?'

This guy dies and goes to hell. The devil tells him to pick between
Door #1, Door #2, or Door #3, and whichever he picks is where he will spend eternity.
The guy says "Man, that's a tough one, I wish I could peek in the doors"
The devil says "That's fine, you can peek in the doors"
The guy says "Wow! Seriously?! That is great!"

He runs up to look in door #1. He sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a marble floor. They are in excruciating pain.
The guys says "That looks horrible, but it could be worse"

So, he looks in door #2. He sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a marble floor, and the floor is smeared with poop.
Totally disgusted, the guy quickly shuts the door, and decides that is not the one he wants.

He looks in door #3, and sees a bunch of people standing up right, drinking coffee and chatting with each other, up to their thighs in poop.
He says "Well, the poop is gross, but at least they get to stand up right, not be in pain, and talk to each other. I choose door #3!"

He goes in, he's drinking coffee and chatting with everyone for about 5 minutes, then the devil comes in, claps his hands, and says
"Ok everybody, coffee breaks over, back on your heads!!!"

Ok, I got 2 for ya. Got'em from here, but I've heard them before, in one version or another - unijokes.com...

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

None of these jokes are mine i just posted them here for a lol - enjoy

Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?


'I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.'

The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’
I said: ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea.’



My friend keeps telling me I'm in the closet . . . I just say it's Narnia business!'


A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.'


God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.'


'How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?'

The worst two Winters of the 20th century . . . Mike and Bernie.'

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'


'If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.'


I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance'.


I wish people would stop making fun of fat people – they have enough sh-t on their plates.'

What Iran needs now is a more modern leader – a mullah lite.'


I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'


'I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.'


"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?"



A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.'


Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel'

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”



“The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.'”


If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.'

How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?'


“If Adam and Eve can’t make it work in Paradise, how am I going to make it work in Lewisham?”

A man doesn't know what hapiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.'

I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?'