posted on Nov, 6 2010 @ 11:15 PM
20 years ago I had been married for 8 years. I was 32, my husband was 35, and we had 3 children, two girls aged 7 and 4 years, and a 20 month old baby
We were having problems with our relationship because he was a binge drinker and was violent when drunk.
A long story short, 20 years ago and late on a Saturday night he went out drinking and I knew he would be late home, and as he left i let him know in
no uncertain terms that I was not at all happy about his drinking. I told him I would leave him and that this time I meant it. He still went.
Many hours later the police came to my house and broke the news that my husband had been found dead, and that he had committed suicide by running a
hose-pipe from the exhaust of his car to the _
To say I was devastated is a total understatement.
Telling my children that their daddy had died and was never going to be coming back, well, there really are no words to describe the absolute pain and
heartbreak of it. My 4 year old daughter clung to me and amidst the most heart-rending sobs, begged me to "get a doctor please mummy to stick a
needle in my daddy to make him be alive again". It was the absolute worst time of my life and it is pain I will remember always like it was
Your question is why do people blame the one who has committed suicide?
Because the suicide is the cause of their pain of losing you, they miss you, and it hurts so bad for them.
The things that went through my head at the time were along the lines of 'he's to blame for mine and especially my childrens' obvious and
indescribable heartbreak' and 'His suicide caused it.' and 'How could he do this to us?'
And of course what he did changed my kids' lives forever.
Whose fault is it that they had to grow up without their dad and never got the chance to know him - his.
My thoughts were that he knew it was a one way ticket never to come back, and he chose to abandon us.
I blamed myself too, I shouldn't have said I would walk out, he wouldn't have killed himself, and my kids would still have their daddy. I felt like
I'd done this to them.
Everything changed in my mine and my kids' lives because of what he did, and not for the better. I had to give up my job to bring them up alone, our
standard of living was drastically undermined. We somehow had to carry on without him. Life has been a struggle.
If it were possible I would force suicidals to experience just one hour of the pain of those left behind, just one hour, and I know you wouldn't want
to inflict that on anyone, let alone on those you love and who love you.
Can I ask the OP a question?
When you've felt at your lowest and attempted/considered suicide, do thoughts of your family cross your mind at all?
I ask this because when I have had low points in my life and thought to myself, if I ended it my problems will be over and no more worrying and what a
complete relief it would be, then thoughts of not seeing and being with my family again is more painful than the thought of having to struggle through
life. I couldn't bear to put them through that devastation again. Cos i know what that feels like.
I don't think suicidal folk consider the people around them and what they will go through afterwards, they are too full of their own misery and
unable to see past it.
Suicides always think no-one cares and no-one loves them and no-one will notice if they're dead, but you are soooo wrong.
Your suicide will affect your family's lives FOREVER, because they love you whether you believe it or not.