Suicide And The Aftermath., page 18

reply to post by ThichHeaded

My ThickHead,(smile) I hear you. Sometimes I feel like a thick head because my thoughts are not as the masses until I succumb to the truth that I am not the masses. We are so much the same, suffering many years when everything seems opposite as it should be, especially with the effort we put in this game called life. That may be a cliche statement but I say it because I truly feel we create or are given a certain hand and we make with it what we will or can.

At the age of four, I was led to pray for wisdom in this life and I did. I got down on my knees every night and prayed for wisdom, hardly knowing what wisdom was, save a feeling of not having any in the household of my mother. I never felt safe there and had good reason. A few years later, seven or eight, angels would talk to me in my head. They would pronounce my name and then say, "don't forget to keep up your vibratory level" in such sweet melodic and motherly voices, it was incredible. I would say, "okay" and feel such love from them. I truly believed these angels. Somehow I knew what vibratory level meant, and much of it was to believe in me on the inside not matter what happened. I knew they were watching over me.

One day all of my friends were playing under a bridge. I was about eight then. It was my turn to be the seeker. I hid my face in the tree and counted from ten down to one. "Ready or not, here I come," I said, turning around and finding myself in a different dimension. It was indescribably beautiful. You could see the golden sun rays falling toward the ground where the flowers and grasses were sparkling and truly dancing with the rays. The sky was breathing and a beautiful blue that I cannot fully describe. As I looked forward, I saw a great many sheep. They were beautiful and I wanted to go to them immediately. The colors of everything were so brilliant, as if I was in a master's landscape painting.

Just as I began to step over a very low wooden fence, not even a foot high, the angels whispered to me, "Na, ah, ah, your time is not yet." I was stunned and stood there with a million thoughts of wanting to go and knowing I couldn't, wondering where I was and how I got there, the voices of the angels and how sweet they were, that they must be my true family and why can't I be with them and why, why, why...me.

By this time my friends were standing all around me calling my name. I was back. They were calling my name and asking me why I didn't come to find them. I can't remember my answer as my mind wasn't on them, the game or anything aside from knowing that I would be going back there one day, that was where my home was and I have always, always missed it, even before this special day.

Those angels never came back to me again. I did have dreams of other lifetimes and in them I was always detached and not feeling a part of where I was. The day that I turned 20 I perceived, what I recognized to be a male voice to come to me and told me that people were going to hurt me and I would never understand why but to hold on and one day the answers would come. Then I became angry. I had already been thru so much as a kid and teenager and now this? The voice was totally correct and in a large sense, going thru all that I have, that voice made it easier to bear my life. I am now 53 years and I look very young, although this past year I have aged more than ever. I did keep up my vibratory level until I couldn't do it any longer. At intervals of my life, I prayed that my innocence not be taken from me in this world filled with such incongruities (sp) and above all, liars and defrauders and betrayers. All of that has happened to me constantly by my own mother right down now to my own son and a host of others in between.

My mother I knew about . I was taken out of my middle-class upbringing and put into a home for neglected children becoming a ward of the State because my mother was a not-yet diagnosed borderline and diagnosed bi-polar with schizoid tendencies. She was ruthless and I was the black sheep. I was told she was toxic I should never go home again by my counselors. They saw so much more than I. I just saw how sad my situation was and I felt responsibilty to try to change it so that I might have a chance in this world, that things can't be this bad and I felt if this was true that my little brothers were in imminent danger and wanted to go back to "save" them. I had no idea how insane my mother was and how insane all of them would be, two older siblings and the two younger ones...what a textbook case is my family. I was truly fighting the wind in this unwinnable situation and it was me who suffered for it by being trained to take abuse and now realizing how impactful the abuse actually was to my life. Gaslighting is insiduous for someone like me who truly loves people and wants the best for everyone. More on that later...

I met so many people like my mother and became the scapegoat for everyone that needed one. I was gaslighted so bad by my mother with the family following her lead that I should write a book about it but the details are so thick I don't know where to begin. All I ever wanted to do was help them because I always sawa all sides and I was simply was raised to help and to save which only made me a victim...which is what my counselors at the school saw that I did not. Too late.

Long/short, I had a beautiful relationship with my son. I was a strong and dedicated mother, but now at the age of 24-27 he has turned into my mother with a vengeance to my horror and done some very cruel things to me that are just not necessary to mention and he is still doing them even today. Oh, it so much worse than what I am writing, but I truly believe that for whatever reason, I was saved from choosing to be like these people and although it truly hurts so much to go thru such betrayal, I still thank God that I am not one of them.

Needless to say, with going thru tons of therapy, ten years ago thick-headed me (smile) realized so much about my abuse by my mother and how it molded my present. I have always had really good runs of making incredible successes but with my son turning against me and being castigated by all of my family for bringing the truth of the situation to them, I am now the outcast; I am dead to them, really, really dead. They enjoy comisserating against me as if their very lives depend on it and in a large sense it does. They are afraid of the truths of the things that happened to all of us as we grew up and even as adults and I was the one that always fought against all the lies and manipulations of my mother to make things right. They have killed the messenger.

I still have an innocence about myself, although I fear my vibratory level is very, very low, and I know it's low because it most definitely is time for me to leave this planet. I have nothing else to do. I have no attachments that will miss me or cry for me and if they did cry due to my death, I would hope that my life finally meant someting to them and that they may grow from it in honor and in truth. I know in this life, at 53 and all that this world is coming to now, all the lying, cheating, gaslighting by our government, hating, satanic minded imbeciles running amuck,...wow, the world is sooo very much like my family...there is no need for me to be here. I came here to be a mirror. Not that I'm so great. But I came here that people could choose who they would be and they chose the easy way out because they thought, they thought, I was easy pickings, they all realized much sooner rather than later that they lost themselves by hating and abusing me. Or being that mirror, they saw themselves for who they really were and hated me for it, although I was only a mirror, a veritable lamb to the slaughter I have been. The only way in the world as it stands now for me is to leave it.

I truly know my time has come. It's only a matter of time. I am not working and have savings enough to relax and not fix things anymore for my own life or for anyone else's for another few months, and I'm enjoying these last vestages pondeirng my life and what it has meant I can go and have no regrets about anything I have done. Everything I have done was pure and not intended to hurt or cause intentional pain to anyone. I just don't belong here. To stay here would be self-inflicted pain and punishment and I received so much of that, I don't need it anymore to learn another thing about my place in the world. I too have thought of suicide at varous intervals in my life but now I know it's okay and I will be accepted.

For those who think of a myriad of reasons to keep someone here that has truly tried earnestly to be here, it's like the definition of insanity, trying the same thing over and over and getting the same results. Who really would do that? Crazy people. There is nothing anyone can say that the person who wants to self-terminate hasn't thought of, believe me. Once one comes to the realization that it's not working no matter what, and this all goes with an age factor or an experience factor, it's ludicrous and cruel to come up with such shallow reasons. I don't mean to be cruel because most of you have no idea what a person who is truly tired of living goes thru to even get up in the mornings. I mean, the soles of my feet ache when I put them on the ground. It is so symbolic of the pain I am carrying around. There are all sorts of signs one gets when it's time and nothing anyone that is not suicidal can come up with is good enough to make them want to stay if they truly want to leave.

So I understand each and every word you have written in this thread, ThickHead. If you choose to self-terminate, above all, I wish you self-acceptance and the inward joy of realizing that you have served a high purpose that not many would want to be appointed for or take on. You being here was an unselfish act for humankind. You may not understand why you were placed here but in a large way it was for others to make choices as to who they are and for your vibration to resonante in the world until it doesn't resonate anymore. We all just serve as witnesses...Maybe we will see each other on the other side...xxoo